Falling Away

by Devon Ashley

  She stepped forward, a fire raging in her eyes too. “You think I don’t know your endgame here, Jenna? I’ve seen it a hundred times. Most women just try to latch on and seduce, but you took a step I had never seen, luring him in by making him the hero, truly making him believe the feelings were genuine.”

  Gasping, I cried, “You think I tried to kill myself to get his attention? Are you fucking serious? I ALMOST DIED! You could not be that delusional! And what the fuck do you mean my feelings weren’t genuine? I. Loved. Your son! And he’s the only reason I ever put up with your sorry, manipulative, judgmental ass!”

  She took one more step, and was so close I was actually uncomfortable, but I refused to be the one that backed down today. I had always kept my mouth shut and walked away to keep the peace. But not anymore. Not this time.

  It was probably humorous to anyone watching, with the two of us having a standoff in the foyer, her arms crossed and mine resting firmly on my hips. And over her shoulder I saw Izzy down the hall, waving her fist in the air as she peeked around the corner, but I was too pissed off to revel in her support.

  With a firm, hushed tone, she replied, “Just let him go. Women like Anne will always be the best choice for our lifestyle.”

  “Well, that may be true, but at least when he was with me, he didn’t have to drink himself to death just to get through the day.”

  Finally! Something that made her recoil.

  “Jenna.” His voice was soft, and it surprised me that I could hear it as he bent over the balcony above us. And if I could hear him, then he probably heard everything his mother and I exchanged no matter the tone. “I take it you’re here to talk to me?” I nodded fearfully, ‘cause his tone was a little cold. “Then come up.”

  I obliged, happy to end this horrible discussion with his witch of a mother. At least I got in the last jab.

  Surprisingly, he led me to the only room in the house I knew would infuriate his mother. Glad to see some things hadn’t changed... I wandered through the room quietly, noticing the bottle of liquor on his bedside table. He never used to keep that in here. Robert closed the door and leaned against it, waiting for me to do whatever it was I came here to do.

  I crossed my arms and hugged myself tightly, suddenly feeling like I was under a microscope. “I’m sorry about that. It’s just…your mother always knows exactly what to say to piss me off. I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

  “It’s alright. It took me twenty-one years to learn how to play the game efficiently. Growing up with her was exhausting. It’s a constant chess match, and you always have to think two steps ahead just to keep your head above water.”

  “Guess I never stood a chance then, huh, ‘cause we both know what a wonderful swimmer I am.”

  He chuckled, and his smile lifted a weight I didn’t even realize was pressing down on me. “It’s refreshing to hear someone yell back at her. Friends, family…they’re all too afraid to call her out. Turns out you get under her skin as much as she gets under yours.”

  My smile kept growing. “I hate to admit it, but I actually feel kinda better now. Just yelling and letting it all out like that…I feel so much lighter.” Maybe Sophie knew what she was talking about after all, ‘cause who thought I’d actually be smiling today? Same for Robert.

  “So why are you here, Jenna? If you had just called, I could’ve met you on neutral territory.”

  Crap. I’d never thought about that. “Intervention. Apparently, my best friend and your best friend think we’re falling into the pit of despair,” I mocked, adding a horror voice to that, “and need each other to save our miserable selves.”

  He gave me that you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me look, then topped it off with an eye roll. “Is that why you were screaming at my mom? Misery therapy?”

  “If only that were enough to fix me.”

  “Yeah, well, I’ve removed one of the sources of my misery and the other is blissfully ignorant, so you can spare yourself the cleanup.” Curious, I kept my trap shut until he got the point that I wanted him to explain that.

  “Anne and I broke up at the wedding.”

  Seemed to be an epidemic…“And the blissfully ignorant?”

  “We’re not announcing it to our parents until I get out of here, so my mom’s still nice and happy.”

  Except when I come around. “I understand your motives for holding off, but what are hers?”

  He shrugged lightheartedly. “I blackmailed her.”

  Laughing, I bumbled out a, “What?” in disbelief.

  He rubbed the back of his head, debating whether or not to share his plight. “Look, I had a bad semester, and I’m not too proud of the things I did. Once we broke up, Mom and Anne tag teamed my ass and wouldn’t leave me the hell alone. And then I got pissed off all over again when I saw you and Evan together. I just wanted all the noise in my head to stop, so I agreed to date her. We went to different schools, so I didn’t have to see her much, and I ignored most of her calls. Mom got all happy and nice. I was still miserable, but I got a little peace out of it.”

  “And where does the blackmailing come in?”

  His lips pressed tight. “I may have went as far as to date her, but I still didn’t want to sleep with her.” Smart boy. “So I told her if she was going to be with me, she had to agree to my rule of no sex before six months.”

  “You don’t have a six month rule.”

  “I did for her. My plan was to break up after five, but she beat me to it. Luckily, she kept trying to entice me by sending me dirty, naked pictures of herself.” My face cringed, my mind inundated with images I didn’t wanna see, completely grateful I didn’t come across them on Robert’s phone, ‘cause I was pretty sure that’s where they were stored. “I told her if she didn’t keep quiet about our breakup, I’d send them to every person we went to school with…and her father.”

  “Robert!”

  “Relax. We all know I’d never do it for real. But she can’t take that chance, so she’s going along with it.”

  Ugh. I felt dirty just thinking about it. “See? Another argument against personal cell phones.”

  “Great, Jenna. The score’s now a thousand to one in favor of phones. Keep it up!” he jested. He’d always hated my lack of enthusiasm for the damn things. I still thought they were a waste of money.

  “You know, you have the money for a hotel. Why even bother with this crap?”

  “Because I’m not the only one benefiting. With my mom being happy all the time, Reynold, Julie and my dad get a break too.”

  I nodded my agreement and paced the room with my hands on my hips, once again coming face to face with the liquor bottle. I picked it up, the bottle light in my hands ‘cause it was almost empty. I cocked my eye at him. “So, are you gonna tell me how your drinking’s going?”

  Pushing off the door, he came to pull it from my grip, eyeing it so intensely I almost took it back. “Getting there. I’m still drinking, but not as much.” He carefully returned it to the chest, then leaned his body via elbow beside it.

  “So, are you going to tell me how your breakup’s going? Because I’m guessing that’s the source of your misery.”

  My eyes burst wide, my heart matching its worry. I wasn’t gonna tell him that today. “How?”

  “Jhett called.”

  “Good news travels fast, huh?”

  He shrugged. “Music to my ears, but I doubt you feel that way.” His eyes locked hard on to mine, the warm shade of melted chocolate soothing, reminding me of all the times I used to get lost in them. My blink slowed ten-fold as he fingered my long bangs and tucked them behind my ear. “I know I felt like shit right after ours.”

  “Me too,” I murmured.

  Caressing my face, he enticed, “We can still get it back, us…if you want it, too.”

  I easily got lost in his touch, the light brushes to my cheek and lips, numbing the aches within. Funny how after all this time, he still had that affect on me. I’d loved him once, knew I could d
o it again if I allowed myself.

  Warm air distracted my thoughts, breezing past my ear, down my neck and skimming my lips. He pressed our mouths together, beginning the dance in a wave-like motion, soft and slow. Faint rumbles vibrated his chest as his body cocooned me within his arms, grasping the underside of my head, angling it to provide more sumptuous kisses. His tongue parted my lips and made a sweep of my mouth, reacquainting his with mine. Tiny flecks of energy begin to pop inside me, like a child’s sparkler, but images of Evan flashed in my head, haunting me with a face of betrayal, extinguishing the frenzy before it had a chance to really explode.

  I mumbled no, pushing my mouth away from his. Dipping my head to avoid his longing gaze, I whispered, “I can’t do this. I’m not ready yet.”

  He expelled a deep breath of disappointment, and rested his forehead on the top of my head. “Alright.” He swayed us gently in place, prolonging the embrace I had yet to refuse. “Alright. I can wait until you are ready.”

  “Robert, why do you even want me?” Maybe it was the pity party going on inside me, but I added, “Your mother’s right. I’d never fit the mold here. This whole lifestyle repulses me.”

  “One of the many reasons worth loving you, Jenna. I promise you there’s an endless list. You’re not just some school crush or some girl trying to give me a hero complex. And what’s happened between us isn’t going to change that. I see that now.”

  I let him hold me a little longer before saying, “I should go.” I didn’t like the way I was beginning to feel guilty in his arms, though I did nothing wrong. But my heartstrings still tugged for Evan, and were determined to end this moment as quickly as possible. His arms stroked my back a few times, then fell away like I’d implied.

  “Before you do, I have something of yours.”

  Unable to come up with anything I could’ve left behind that I never realized was missing, I curiously watched as he swept aside clothing in the chest until his hand emerged with my diamond flower necklace. My head shook softly. “No, I can’t take that. You were right before. It should stay in the family.”

  Ignoring my rebuttal, his hands swept around my neck and fastened the necklace in place. “Jenna, you are my family. Even when you piss me off. And you’re the only one I want this to belong to. Ever.”

  The love in his eyes warmed my stubborn heart, and I smiled and threw myself into his chest once more. He welcomed the last chance at affection, but his voice somberly whispered, “Please come home, Jenna.”

  For a week I fingered the necklace around my neck. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bring me some sort of comfort, thinking someone out there loved me and put it out there that he wanted me back. Memories of my time with Robert flooded my mind, brought a smile to my face, and slowly reminded me of why I loved him in the first place. But there was hollowness in my heart that just wouldn’t allow itself to be filled with Robert. At least not yet.

  I thought of Evan a lot too, but it filled me more with pain than euphoria, so I tried to derail my thoughts when they turned to him. I found Sundays to be the worst, and I ached for him to show up and take me back to his place so he could smother me with kisses. But he never did, and I let my phone die on a permanent basis.

  Robert learned email was the only way he was gonna get a hold of me, shy of just showing up, which he wasn’t gonna do until I said it was alright. Reading his messages at work brightened each of my days a little, and I felt my misery slowly dissipating.

  Trying to get through another Sunday alone, I opted to borrow a book from the store, one of those dirty ones I used to love to read, and secretly crushed on. And when a knock surprised me at the door, a dirty, humorous thought of the main guy in the story coming by to make me his made me laugh.

  But when I peeked through the door of my studio, my laughter came to an abrupt halt, my neck and facial muscles cringing. I’m sorry. When did hell freeze over and pigs start flying loop-de-loops? ‘Cause I apparently missed the memo about the apocalypse.

  I cautiously slid the chain off and unlocked the deadbolt. The door seemed to creak louder than normal, probably picking up on my nervousness as my fingers slightly trembled around the doorknob.

  “Mrs. Jennings,” I deadpanned, happy my voice didn’t crack.

  She gave me a curt nod. “Jenna. May I come in?”

  “Yeah, sure.” I extended the door’s opening, hesitating to close it behind her. Surely my dark hole of an apartment would send her fleeing for her life. When it didn’t, I reluctantly closed it.

  She didn’t venture far into the room. Not that she had far to go in four hundred square feet in the first place. I had no idea what type of vibrant designer clothes she was wearing, but I couldn’t help but notice she was stripped of all her fine jewelry. Probably afraid she’d get mugged coming to what she considered the riffraff part of town. The phrase stuck out like a sore thumb didn’t even begin to cover how off she looked standing next to my beat up furniture, muted color tones and aging walls.

  I only had the one chair, which she took without showing her disgust at its condition, though she chose to cross her arms and rest her hands over her black leather purse in her lap instead of touching the abraded wooden arms. That left me the edge of my bed, which made us close enough to bump knees…and still within choking range without a referee.

  Damn it. Surely Robert was smirking right now. Had I never allowed my phone to die, he could’ve called to warn me she was coming. Having email access only at work and the local library was truly screwing me right now.

  She watched me carefully, but for once there wasn’t a menacing expression to go along with it. Her eyes then diverted to my neck and I saw them pinch slightly. She’s here for the stone! Why else would she travel all this way? My hand instinctively wrapped around my necklace, as if to protect it. After releasing a pent up huff, she said, “I didn’t like the way we ended our last conversation. It’s been eating away at me.”

  “Ok-aaay.” Oh, this can’t be good. And the walls here were paper thin. My nosy neighbors were always calling the police when a raucous broke out in one of the apartments, and Lord knew the two of us didn’t have a problem getting into a screaming match.

  Meekly, I asked, “How’d you find me?” And was my apartment going to mysteriously blow up once you left?

  A tiny smile curled her lips. “Jenna, it doesn’t matter where you go. Money always talks.” Awesome. Now my paranoid ass was gonna start looking over my shoulder all the time. “My son told me you still intend to attend Rutgers.”

  “That’s right,” I confirmed. Why the hell were they discussing me at all?

  “When do you begin?”

  “I’m deferring my acceptance for a year or two. I can’t afford to go just yet.”

  “My dear, working in that little bookshop and living here, won’t save you enough money. Why don’t you just apply for a school loan?”

  “Can’t qualify.”

  “Why not?”

  Man this woman was nosy. If I didn’t still love her son I’d tell her to shove it up her ass and kick her out. “I have no money, no credit history, the economy’s crap, and I have no one to co-sign the loan with me. They’re not exactly chomping at the bit to help me.”

  “What about the state? Isn’t it their duty to help people like you in situations like these?”

  People like me? We’re called orphans, you bitch. “They’d help if I wanted to attend somewhere in Vermont, but the schools aren’t a good match for the degree I want.”

  She scanned my pitiful room, then refocused on my necklace, which I still hadn’t released from my grip. “You know, you’ve got your college tuition and then some wrapped around your neck. Why didn’t you just sell it and get on with making something of your life?”

  It was a good thing she said that without bitterness, otherwise I’d be trying out that new chokehold I learned in that free self-defense class down at the Y. I was well aware of what the diamond around my neck was worth, and that yes, it would
take care of all my monetary issues for a long time to come. But its sentimental value outweighed that worth. I’d never sell it.

  Not that I felt she deserved an explanation, or would even understand my reasoning, but still I replied, “I’ll never sell it.” And in order to sell Robert’s effort to hide our newfound friendship, I sadly added, “It’s all I have left of him.” An Oscar worthy performance and she hardly acknowledged it.

  “Yes, well... I suppose you won’t have to sell it now. My husband’s been at me to choose my charity projects for the year and I’ve decided on making a monetary contribution to your education.”

  Deadpanned couldn’t even begin to describe the lack of emotion for the words I had for her. Very slowly, I replied, “Thank you for your consideration, but I am not a charity project.”

  She found that amusing, ‘cause clearly I was from her point of view. “So I’ve been told by my son multiple times over the years. But he agrees with me on this occasion. He’d very much like for you to accept this opportunity.”

  Yeah? Then why wasn’t he here to smooth the way? Or give me a heads up? Surely he knew putting me alone in a room with his mother was the equivalent of asking Cruella de Vil to volunteer at the local puppy farm.

  “If it helps your ego, think of it as more of a pay-it-forward situation. Once you get established with your life and your pocket book is comfortable, you can help do the same for someone else in a position similar to yours.”

  Hmm. I wondered if Robert told her to say that, ‘cause it was just the thing that would work on me. I desperately wanted to take her up on it. Who wouldn’t want their education paid for? But this was Penelope Jennings. Surely there was a hidden agenda in this somewhere. “Why would you do that?”

  “Because try as I might, I can’t find a legitimate reason to dislike you.” Her words made my face scrunch up. Who the hell says that? “I know I’ve been hard on Robert these past several years, and you by association, but I was only doing what any good mother would do. I want the best for him, so I want him to marry into the best.”