Only A Memory Away

by Madeline St. Claire

  If he took time out to think about it, Judd knew he’d probably agree with the man, say he was within his rights, but Judd didn’t feel like being rational or agreeable or civilized at the moment. He wanted to ball up his fists again and beat the life out of someone.

  He stepped back, grabbed the doorknob. “I’ll be out by this afternoon,” he said, and slammed the door.

  NO ONE ANSWERED Karen’s knock as she stood in front of Judd’s apartment, about an hour before noon. The curtains were closed, but Judd’s car was parked outside. Karen shifted the bag of groceries to her hip and tried the knob—it wasn’t locked. She rapped again, called out, “Judd, it’s Karen,” and let herself in.

  A cheery greeting died on her lips as she surveyed the room. Clothes were strewed everywhere on the floor and over the twisted sheets of the bed, like a tornado had caught them up and hurled them. Judd ignored her as he grabbed a shirt from the floor.

  “What happened here?”

  Judd wadded the garment in his hands and glared at her. “I’m not in the mood for visitors this morning, Karen.”

  “I can see that.” She ducked into the kitchen, slipped the eggs and milk into the refrigerator and left the rest of the groceries on the counter. When she came out, Judd was shoving clothes into a canvas duffel on the bed.

  “Are you going somewhere?”

  “Yes, to Bedlam.”

  “I’d say you’re already there.” Her attempt at humor fell flat. Karen bit her nail and tried to think how to not antagonize him further. “Can you tell me when you’ll be back?”

  “No. I’m not going on a cruise, and I’m not coming back. I’ve been evicted.”

  “Evicted! Oh, Judd, no. How did that happen?”

  “The easiest and fastest way—I didn’t pay my rent, apparently.”

  Karen didn’t use oaths, but she felt like uttering one now. “Where will you go?”

  “I have no idea.” He picked up the alarm clock, examined it as if trying to decide whether it was his or belonged to the apartment, then slammed it down on the nightstand. “I’m sure if I wander around long enough I’ll find a bridge somewhere I can sleep under.”

  He was being facetious, and Karen knew it. “Don’t be silly.” She picked a sock from the floor, began looking for its mate.

  Judd glanced over his shoulder. “Leave that. I can do it myself. You’d better go.”

  “No. I’m going to find you a place to stay.”

  Judd threw down a pair of shoes and rounded on her. “I can take care of myself!”

  Karen, too, felt her control slip. “How?” she yelled back. “By becoming a street person?”

  “I’d rather live on the streets somewhere else than stay in Silver Creek to be treated like a freak.”

  “Oh, for goodness’ sake, Judd, be reasonable! At every turn, you’ve fought me—’No, I can’t do that, no, I can’t let you do this,’” she mimicked. She thought she saw Judd’s mouth twitch a hair. His blood was still up, but some of the fire left his eye.

  “For a little thing,” he said, taking a step toward her, “you’re awful sure of yourself, aren’t you?”

  The argument had cleared her head, and she suddenly felt very light. She closed the room-length gap between them a pace. “I don’t claim to have all the answers, but you could at least try working with me instead of against me, for a change.”

  “That’s your advice, then?” His tone was normal again, almost teasing.

  “Yes.” They were slowly inching closer. “And that you give up your foolish pride for a few days.”

  “You think I’ve been foolish?”

  He was only half an arm’s length from her now. Looking up into his amused, faintly smoldering eyes, she thought he didn’t seem immature at all. “Not foolish, normal rather. Dr. Bergman says so.”

  She tried to hang on to her thoughts, but his gaze fascinated her; his irises were dark pewter, flecked with silver. Without touching her, he seemed to be reaching out to capture her, wrapping invisible arms around her middle. She knew in her bones he would kiss her if she came any closer.

  She licked her lips. “It’s, ah, normal for amnesia victims to be angry, even paranoid.”

  For a moment, he seemed not to be listening, but then his expression changed. Surprise flickered across his face. She leaned toward him, inviting his embrace.

  “Dr. Bergman said that?” he asked quietly, voice altered.

  “Yes, you’re a textbook case. That’s what he said.”

  Judd put his hands lightly on her shoulders. “He never said anything like that to me—he was mostly frustrated he couldn’t get me to go under. You’ve been a lot more patient,” he finished huskily.

  Karen wondered dreamily if there was a double meaning to the words. She hadn’t admitted it to herself before now, but she had been waiting for his kiss. “Yes,” she breathed, parting her lips just slightly, closing her eyes.

  His mouth brushed hers, tender and warm, lingering only as long as might be appropriate to express gratitude and thanks. The kiss thrilled her, and left her wanting more. She leaned toward him again, into empty space, and opened her eyes. Judd had moved back, his expression turned inward and thoughtful, apparently digesting what she’d just said about his amnesia.

  Karen stepped away, covering the awkwardness she felt as his hands released her shoulders. “I’m, ah, sorry Dr. Bergman didn’t discuss your case with you more.” She shoved her hands in the pockets of her skirt. “I have to say that I agree with what he told me.” She slipped into social worker’s jargon, giving him a speech she’d often recited. “In my experience with people under extreme stress, who have been dispossessed from their homes and familiar surroundings, fear and anger are very common.”

  Judd sat down on a dinette chair, leaned his elbows on his knees. “I’ve been having terrible nightmares—another reason they want me out of here. I even terrified poor Trouble. I woke up twice last night in a cold sweat and found him on the bottom of his cage, flapping around. I was afraid he’d hurt himself.”

  “More reason not to take off,” Karen said gently, laying a hand on his shoulder for a moment. “Who would care for Trouble?”

  “You’ve got a point. But where can I go? I doubt Howie Summers would rent me a room.”

  His tone was joking, rather than sarcastic as he’d been earlier, and Karen chuckled. She shrugged the tension from her shoulders as she sat down at the table with him, and they talked about his experience at the hospital, and his frustration that nothing so far had helped his memory return. She didn’t want to discourage him, but now was the time to tell him what Dr. Bergman had warned her about, that it could take a couple of weeks for the amnesia to break, even longer for it to clear up completely. She was pleased when Judd received the news with equanimity.

  “You’re not disappointed?” she asked.

  “No, maybe even the reverse. I’m beginning to wonder if I haven’t been expecting too much of myself. It’s unreasonable to think I could come down with amnesia, and wake up the next morning feeling right as rain.”

  “That’s right,” she said quietly. An intimacy had grown up between them as they talked about his illness. Karen could feel the bond growing between them.

  Judd reached out and took her hand. “I know I’ve given you a rough time, Karen, and I’m sorry.”

  Karen blushed with pleasure. “Well, it’s been understandable. Just try to lighten up. Everything will work out.”

  Unlike his earlier touches, which had shot through her like charges of sexual electricity, his grasp now filled her with a sense of quiet happiness and well-being. Strange that she should feel this way with someone she’d just met. It didn’t seem possible that she knew so little about his past—at this moment, she felt as though she had loved and lived with him for a long time.

  But Judd broke the spell. “We should talk about what happened a few minutes ago,” he said. “I kissed you, and to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure I had any right to.”

/>   “Why is that?” She was suddenly afraid he knew something she didn’t.

  “Besides the fact that we still haven’t learned much about my past, it’s not certain that I don’t have a…family…out there somewhere. I haven’t found any photos around, and you heard Howie Summers say he thought I was divorced. Well, those seem like good signs. But until I’m sure…you see, I’m beginning to care about you very much…and the last thing I’d want you to think is that I’m taking advantage of you.”

  He started to withdraw his hand from hers, but Karen didn’t let go. “I care about you, too,” she said. She was impressed at how brutally honest he was willing to be, and how honorable. But feeling the way she did about him at this moment, she couldn’t bring herself to match his candor.

  “I’m not worried,” she fibbed. “The chances you’re attached are very slim.” With greater conviction, she added, “I know whatever we discover about your past, it can only be good.” She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek, smelling the attractive tang of his aftershave mixed with the earthy scent of his skin.

  As she got up from the table, she cleared her throat and glanced at her watch. “I should start making some calls if I’m going to find you a place to stay. Can I use your phone?”

  “Of course, thank you. I’ll finish packing.”

  Karen pulled a pen and notepad from her purse, then dialed her office. She always carried the phone numbers of the nursing homes in Granite County that took patients on full government assistance, but she had to ask the secretary at work where she could place an able-bodied man in his thirties. The list was short: a couple of halfway houses for recovering alcoholics and drug addicts, and Granite City’s single homeless shelter. As she’d feared, the two house managers told her they were fully booked, with a waiting list of at least a month. Karen had been called out twice to interview elderly street people who wandered into the downtown shelter and knew the facility could probably offer Judd a bed, but only for a few nights, and they had no facilities for storing his belongings, much less a cockatiel in an iron cage.

  Karen decided against calling the homeless shelter and chewed on her thumbnail as she thought. She didn’t believe Judd would want to stay at her uncle Ed’s house, and given Ed’s suspicious attitude toward Judd, it wasn’t a good idea, anyway. She had a former boyfriend who was a mining engineer and had a nice two-bedroom apartment in town, but Mark wasn’t the helping-hand kind, and he’d probably be flabbergasted if she called him.

  Even though it was a little unorthodox, and her boss would give her a lecture if he found out, there was really only one place Karen could think of for Judd to go for the next week or two.

  “Judd.”

  He was clearing out the medicine cabinet. “So, have you booked me into the Pariah Palace?”

  “No, and I’m afraid the Halfway Hilton was full up, too. Unless we, ah, opt for the bridge idea, you’ll have to stay at my place.”

  Chapter Six

  “Your place? You’re joking.”

  “No.” She told him about the recovery houses but didn’t mention the homeless shelter.

  “I can’t inconvenience you.”

  Karen braced herself for another confrontation with his familiar stubborn streak. “It will only be for a few days, and you won’t be any trouble at all. You can sleep on the sofa and help with the chores.”

  “It’s too much.”

  “No, it’s not. I was going to have to take your pet bird, anyway.” She’d have to deal with her cat, Toby, when the time came. “They don’t allow animals at men’s houses, you know. So why shouldn’t I take the owner, too?”

  Judd shifted to one hip. “I, ah, geez. This is getting more complicated all the time.”

  “Please, Judd. Do this for me. I don’t want to worry about you, and you know I will if you go off somewhere on your own.”

  Judd weakened. “All right,” he said slowly, “but I don’t want to park myself on you a moment longer than is necessary. And when I get a job, I’ll pay you back for the room and board.”

  When she started to protest, he pointed a finger at her, sighting down it with a fierce no-arguments look.

  A FEAST AWAITED Karen when she arrived home from the office that night After showing Judd where she lived, giving him an extra key and telling him to make himself at home, she’d had to dash to Granite City.

  While she was at work, Judd had packed his stuff in cardboard boxes and stacked them in Karen’s garage. The house only had one bedroom, the second one having been eliminated at some point to open up the living room and allow space for a dining table. Judd’s suitcase sat on a chair next to the sleeper sofa.

  Looking about as she stepped in the door, Karen was suddenly reminded of one of her friends from college and the girl’s romantic description of how she felt the day her fiancé moved in. Karen had never made love with a man, much less considered living with one. But she hadn’t thought twice about inviting Judd here.

  Judd was in the kitchen searing the steaks he’d brought from his apartment. Karen could smell potatoes baking, and a pot simmered on the stove. Karen popped in to say hello, then showered and changed into shorts and a fresh blouse while he finished cooking. When she reentered the living room, Judd was staring out the windows to the sunporch, the washed skillet and a dish towel in his hands.

  He started as he turned, his eyes widening slightly.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you.”

  “You didn’t. I heard you coming. I’m just impressed with how…” From his foxy grin, she thought he was going to say sexy, but he finished, “how beautiful you look.”

  His eyes lingered on her a moment, then he glanced back at the sunporch.

  “What were you looking at?” she asked.

  He sucked in his breath, his wide chest visibly expanding beneath the white polo shirt. “Nothing. I just thought I heard a car pull up, in your back alley, and idle there for a few minutes. It’s gone now. Probably just someone picking up one of your neighbors.”

  Karen knew that none of her neighbors used the unpaved alley to exit their homes, but she didn’t say so. Judd didn’t seem too concerned about his observation, and she certainly didn’t want to fuel his amnesia-induced paranoia again.

  They listened to music as they ate. Judd had obviously played with her tiny living room stereo, because it was tuned to a pleasant light rock station Karen was unfamiliar with, the FM signal coming in remarkably strong. Judd seemed more interested in eating than talking, while Karen felt keyed up and strangely at a loss for topics of conversation.

  Though she’d eaten dinner at this same table for years, with Judd catercorner from her, the experience felt strange and new, and more than a little exciting. It amazed her that, barely hours after accepting her invitation, Judd had filled her bachelorette home with his masculine presence. She was listening to his music, eating the food he’d prepared with his gourmet cookware, watching his pet bird in its cage across from them in the living room.

  It was almost as though he’d come to stay. A premonition struck her that he had moved into her life and would change not only her surroundings but her, too, making her a part of his world.

  It gave her the titillating sensation of being a new woman. At the same time, she told herself it was foolish to jump ahead. Foolish, and potentially hurtful, if it turned out Judd wasn’t free. There was still a possibility he might wake up from his amnesia and remember he was deeply in love with someone else.

  “Would you like a steak knife?” she asked, pushing the disheartening thought away.

  “No, thank you.” She got herself one, then watched as Judd cut through his steak, cleaving the meat like butter. He took big bites of the rare steak, chewing with relish, then washed it down with a swallow of beer, tilting his head back as he grasped the bottle by the neck. He held the liquid in his mouth for a moment to taste it before swallowing it.

  When he noticed her watching him, he gave her an amused, knowing grin. Sh
e blushed and looked away, then tried to concentrate on Trouble, who was eating his own dinner of bird pellets. When she looked Judd’s way again, on the excuse he might need another helping of vegetables, she caught him paused with fork in hand, studying her profile. Now it was his turn to look away. Karen felt as though the temperature in the room had risen at least ten degrees.

  As they finished their meal, the charged silence became too much for her. Karen asked Judd how he’d managed to get Trouble’s cage in his car. He leaned forward on his elbows, the pine tabletop creaking under the weight of his muscled torso. He proceeded to delight her with the story of how he’d easily broken the iron cage down with a screwdriver, then been flummoxed as to how to transport the bird. After a too personal, and volubly resented, inspection of Trouble’s wings, Judd had determined they were clipped and the cockatiel was probably incapable of flying away. Therefore, Judd had taken the line of least resistance and simply carried Trouble on his shoulder in the car.

  “You’re kidding?”

  Judd swallowed his last bite of steak. She noticed the deliberate, masculine movements of his hands as he brushed his lips with the paper napkin and pushed back his plate. “No, I think Trouble enjoyed the trip. He was almost asleep when we got here, he was so relaxed. It was like he does it all the time.”

  “I doubt that. At least not in town. You’d be famous if the two of you were in the habit of driving around like Bluebeard and Polly.”

  Judd chuckled, the baritone rumble coming from deep in his chest Karen smiled to herself and tipped her head; with his dark hair and beard now grown in very nicely, he rather looked the part of a pirate. Yes, very rakish indeed.

  She realized she was feeling a little sassy after the satisfying meal, and Judd’s presence was giving her more pleasure and a greater sense of being alive than she could ever remember. The reminder that they were very much alone kept running through her mind, teasing her with provocative possibilities that made her pulse race and start. Trying to act natural and not flirt with him was getting harder by the minute.