by Nicole Conn
“I’ll call you,” she said as she walked from the patio into Peyton’s living room.
Peyton’s eyes followed Elena as she left. She felt angry, hurt, disappointed and absolutely frustrated with herself. What did you expect? She confronted her own appalled realization. You have only yourself to blame.
*
It had been almost a week since they had seen one another. Even when Elena had tried to figure out a way for them to spend at least an afternoon together before she was going to board a plane to Hawaii, every plan she spun had derailed.
Today Peyton had asked if there was any way she could quickly drive to Pinot Latte to see her before she left, and Elena had made that happen.
Peyton now waited in the booth, nervous, feeling silly one moment, longing the next, wondering if this was dumb. But the insecure part of her and that part of her that absolutely needed Elena to know how she felt still wanted to give herself this before Elena left on her trip.
Elena dashed in the door, and Peyton was again shocked by how drop-dead stunning she was with confidence blazing, her hair falling softly about her shoulders, her features highlighted by a deep lavender summer dress. Peyton’s breath was knocked from her.
Elena saw Peyton sitting in the booth, Peyton’s face so exquisite to her—how she would miss those beautiful eyes, the dimples, Peyton’s engaging smile. She slipped in beside her, and while she did not feel bold enough to kiss her, leaned her head against Peyton’s shoulder, taking in the familiar smell of her, her woman smell, the musky cologne she always wore that Elena would breathe in long after they had been together, and never get enough of.
“I’m so sorry—I only have a few moments…I said I had to dash out to get some female supplies for the trip.”
“Baby, it’s fine. I just wanted to give this to you.” Peyton shyly presented a small present wrapped in beautifully handmade paper gift wrapping.
“Oh Peyton,” Elena was truly touched.
“The only thing is, you can’t open it until you’re in the air—in the plane—and then just promise me you’ll follow the rules!”
Elena frowned at her, at the same time grinning. “Very mysterious.”
“Yeah that’s me…so mysterious…so in love I can’t think of not seeing you a whole two weeks.”
“Walk me to my car?” Elena asked with a sad plea in her voice.
“Sure.”
Peyton climbed into the passenger seat. They looked at one another and a second later their mouths met, hungrily, desperately, both of them knowing it would be days before they could touch again, feel, wrap their souls about one another, know the other was truly there.
“I…I actually have something for you too.” Elena leaned over and extracted a small square box from the glove compartment. “Wait until I’m gone. I feel entirely too self conscious.”
Peyton smiled. They turned to one another, thign anotheeir eyes became serious.
“It’s only two weeks,” Elena whispered between kisses. “Nothing can change in that time except that I will miss you more and more every day.”
*
Only after several hours, when Barry was asleep and Nash and Tori were playing DES games in the seats ahead of them, so Elena could see if they were to turn around, did she dare to remove the package, which she had put in her small carry-on. She had thought of nothing else since they boarded the plane, waiting, waiting, what seemed an interminable time to simply see what it was that Peyton had gotten for her.
She double-checked Barry, who was snoring, and extracted the package, unwrapping it to reveal a beautiful black satin cloth with a lace ribbon that bundled a packet of cards/letters with a business card-sized note on the front that stated: Do not open it until you’re high in the sky...
Well, Elena had waited, so she breathed in deeply, could smell the cologne which Peyton must have spritzed over the satin and opened the first letter on top that was sealed in an envelope, deep red, and could hear Peyton’s voice, soft and intimate in her ear as she read: I miss you. I missed you before our last kiss was finished…I want you to know that I am with you...every single day. In heart. Soul. Spirit.
Elena flipped through the cards and letters. They were all exquisite. Some were notecards, some were sealed envelopes, all gorgeous, handpicked. Clearly Peyton had taken her time to create this wonderful gift so that she could have her by her side, no matter where Elena might travel. Each love letter Peyton had written had a date and a number—fourteen altogether, for the days they would be separated, and the one she held now, with the lovely words:
So the only way I can be with you right now is to touch you each day, with a moment that I hope you can steal away to have just for yourself—that is just for you, baby…here’s only one rule: You have to read them as they are numbered...no skipping ahead like you did with my book!! This way I will know you and I will have a little shared space every single day that you are gone…and you will know how much I love you each and every day—
A tear fell on the paper. Elena felt herself let go, missing Peyton so completely she felt swallowed up by sorrow. How she could miss this person, more than anything…anything other than…oh, if she thought about Sarah now, she would completely lose it.
Elena quickly dried her tears, sniffling quietly, afraid that Nash or Tori might catch on. She simply folded the top letter and held it tightly to her breasts for a moment, then returned it to the others and placed them all back in her carry-on, taking comfort and delight in the fact that she would have Peyton with her in this entirely different way, excited and looking forward to reading her first letter.
*
Peyton waited untithi waitedl she returned home to open the box Elena had given her. She took off her jacket, hung it up, arranged herself on the couch, and only then touched the box, gently, as if in some way she could link herself to Elena. She shook her head. This was insane, missing another person like this. It made her feel a little out of control. Always dangerous. Because now it made her wonder what would happen if she were to lose Elena, and the likelihood that their circumstances would never work out.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
She swiftly unwrapped the box to reveal a framed photo. It was a shot she must have set up herself in her studio. Peyton smiled, thinking about who Elena had been and who she had become. In the photo she was wearing nothing more than a white shirt, left undone, her hair full and thick about her shoulders, and she was looking directly into the camera with absolute love and a very sexy twinkle in her eye
Peyton could not stop grinning. It was such a metamorphosis. This woman bore no resemblance to the woman she had met at the adoption center. As Peyton looked into Elena’s eyes, she felt as if she were there with her. It was the best gift she could have given her, so that she would not feel so alone.
*
February 27th
When you walked in from the kitchen, dressed for the outside world in your jeans and that dusky teal tank top—it struck me, Elena, how absolutely beautiful you are…and it’s because your beauty radiates from your soul...sensual, deliberate, graceful…
Yours is the kind of femininity that beguiles all the more because of the sheer strength of you behind it…so indelibly female, a handsome beauty that carries your power and the confidence to know how to use it…you are the best of woman…the most enticing because you are not afraid to love with all of your being, not afraid to follow your instincts, feel the searing intensity of your own passions and bring them out in me…the sheer attraction in that, Elena, leaves me breathless...I finally understand the clichéd term “take my breath away”....Elena you take my breath away—simply by the power of who you are...
*
Peyton thought of her, in just that moment, as Elena was reading the first of her letters that night. Peyton sat out at the pool, thinking how she loved watching the way she moved, simply walking across the room, or as she made her tea. It was these prosaic moments that made up an epic beauty, the way she so very slowly tw
irled the spoon in the cup with her long fingers, the way she drank her tea, so gracefully. Elena was the most elegant and alluring woman Peyton had ever laid eyes on, and it gave her great aesthetic enjoyment to just watch her.
Peyton smiled, thinking all this as she sat with her own tea by the pool. And then she sighed, long and hard. Thirteen more days to go. Already today had seemed like an eternity. She was going to have to really think of ways in which to fill the days to make the time pass. Sure, she had plenty 0"> had plof work she was behind on. Dammit, that’s what she was going to do…she would catch up, so that when Elena returned she would be able to spend with her whatever time Elena might have free. Because if she didn’t meet deadline on the huge Women in the Arts piece for Vogue, there was no way she was going to make her Paris trip. Paris. She wondered, if there would be any possibility that Elena could share—stop it, Peyton. That won’t happen. She can’t leave her family for an entire week. But she can so easily leave me. Stay focused.
Simple. She would just grind the work out while Elena was gone. But the moment she concluded this was the best use of her time and the best way in which to make the time speed by, the niggling irritation intruded that her life and how she filled her hours were always going to be determined by the time Elena was available. This was always going to be on Elena’s timetable. And it began to irk her.
Stop it, she chided herself. She’d known from the start what she had walked into. It was worth it. Even if it ended tomorrow, loving Elena was the most incredible thing she had ever done, and she would never allow herself to regret it.
*
March 2nd…Oh but when you kiss me…oh…fuck, when you kiss me…that bottom lip—no earthly experience could prepare me for your bottom lip, your tongue, your mouth, the way you kiss me with your entire body, soul and being…when you kiss me and hold my head with your hands, with those long tapered fingers gently caressing my face as you kiss me…and continue to kiss me until nothing else exists but your mouth, pearly tongue, soft as silk lips…oh, fuck when you kiss me…
March 5th… After I make love to you, you tell me “Lay on your back!” and those fingers of yours glide over my body, teasing me, owning me…slipping inside me now and then fucking me…fucking gently at first, then firmer, fucking me until I cannot breathe, and before I can even catch my breath, you tease me, touch me as I have never been touched, playing out the rhythm of your ownership, taking me deeper as I grow tighter about your fingers, ever deeper until all feeling begins and ends with those fingers…I remember the night you showed up so unexpectedly after our first fight...when you made love to me with no words...
*
Elena remembered now as she sat out at the beach with her book. But inside her book was her “letter of the day” and as she read it, it immediately brought her back to her entering Peyton’s house, putting fingers to Peyton’s mouth so that she wouldn’t say a word and moving her swiftly to the chaise lounge, slowly but deftly unbuttoning Peyton’s jeans, teasing her fingers into the open pants and then she began to gently stroke her.
I’ve never let anyone have me, let anyone take me, ravage me...
Elena’s eyes were closed as she remembered now, as she watched Peyton’s face, Peyton coming...
...you have eve...you given me such a gift...the other side of myself...you have made me whole...
*
“Christ!”
Nash sat on his bed, back from vacation, luggage strewn all about along with Peyton’s letters spread out before him on his bed, as Tori read, as rapidly as she could, so she could catch up on what Nash already knew. She glanced at Nash, whose face showed a spectrum of emotion: disgust, sadness, anger, confusion, shame.
“Wow…” Tori said, speechless possibly for the first time in her life. She had never actually read anything quite like this. Not that she hadn’t been exposed to it. It came with being a research assistant. You were bound to find some pretty skanky sites on the Internet, no matter what you were looking up. But something so intense, so raw, so clearly personal and intimate? Not on your life. She couldn’t think of what to say and out popped, “Can anyone say outed in Maui?”
Nash found no humor in Tori’s quip and looked at her sourly, despairingly.
“I’m sorry, baby.” Tori quickly followed up. She watched Nash as he tried to grapple with all the implications these letters presented. “So you found these letters right before we came home?”
“I had a headache so I went to find an aspirin in Mom’s suitcase—and I was digging around and I saw...” he gestured helplessly to the letters before him, “…these.”
“Well, this puts a whole new spin on ‘The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.’” Tori picked up one of the letters. “On the other hand...these are decidedly erotic and...well, hot.”
“Yeah...great.” Nash snorted.
“I’m sorry,” Tori offered. “God, I just keep putting my foot in it. I…you know, I just really don’t know what to say, Nash…I mean it’s Momma Bear—it’s your mom for gosh sakes.”
“I got that,” Nash replied sullenly.
“I guess this isn’t really the best way to find out your mom’s fucking another woman.”
“You think?”
“Maybe we aren’t getting the entire picture here. You know, if I’ve learned nothing else, don’t jump to conclusions until you’ve done all your research.”
“What are you suggesting, that we spy on my mother?”
“No. Of course not.” Tori pondered, saw the tears begin to slip from Nash’s eyes. “Oh baby, come here.”
He fell into her arms, sobbing deeply, holding onto the only true thing he knew.
*
Barry had discovered when they returned from their trip that his car battery had died while they were gone. He had asked Elena to drive him to the church and also asked if they could “have a talk.”
“I can drive you over, Barry, but really, I don’t have time for—”
“Look, I’d really like to talk, and the shop said it would only take a couple of hours to get over and get the car up and running—”
“I can’t!” Explosive.
Barry literally jumped.
“I’m sorry...” Elena made herself calm down. “I’ve just got so much catching up to do, unpacking, the laundry, I have to go shopping—” Elena could hear her voice rising in hysteria, tried to control herself. “I have too many damn errands...I’ll be back, don’t worry.”
“You’ve been jumpy all morning. And don’t even get me started about our trip.”
“I told you…I’m sorry. It’s the new medication.”
“It’s the medication, you’re tired, it’s this, it’s that… Come on, Elena, I don’t pressure you…and I know a lot of husbands who wouldn’t put up with this kind of bullshit for as long as I have—do you even realize how long it’s been? Since we’ve…? You said you didn’t want to talk during the vacation—just wanted everyone to have a nice family outing, and I agreed, it wasn’t the place for anything heavy, but now we’re home, dammit. And we’re going to talk.”
Elena sat stoically, waiting for Barry to get out of the car, but he wasn’t moving.
“Barry, I know you want…that we need to talk, okay? I understand that. But please, I just have so much to take care of before Nash gets back to school, I’ve got to go to the store—”
“Elena, what the hell is going on?!”
“Nothing, Barry. Haven’t you ever noticed before that when we go away for vacation, I do all the travel plans, the packing, I schedule all the outings on the trip, budget everything out—all the planning, and when we return I need to get everything put back as if we’d never left and all that falls on my shoulders. Would you like to have dinner tonight?” Elena put the car into first gear.
He looked at her. “Go ahead…but we ARE going to talk…something’s going on and I want to know what the heck it is.”
“Barry, I’m just…just—Look.” Elena knew if she starte
d, it would not stop and she still could not quite get there. Yes, she knew things were bad. Yes, she knew she was in love with Peyton, a woman. But when she looked at this man with whom she had shared almost half of/p>most ha her life, all the history of Nash and the tragedies they had overcome together, she couldn’t quite come to terms with telling him it was over. Just like that.
He leaned to kiss her. She offered him her cheek.
“Fuck!”
He leaped out of the car and before he could slam the door, Elena had already pulled away.
*
Peyton paced, anxious, hopeful, terrified, barely able to contain the jumble of feelings.
Elena finally walked through the door.
Peyton could barely breathe. Somehow Elena’s beauty always struck her as if she were seeing her for the first time. She almost looked ethereal in a white blouse, the top buttons open, her hair a wild thrill of waves. The moment she saw Peyton, her face burst into a huge smile.
Elena felt like her heart was going to pound from her chest when she saw Peyton. Her lover. This woman, standing there, at once looking masculine with her defined swimmer’s arms in a forest green muscle tank top, and yet so beautiful in the same breath. It was that mix of handsome and feminine that was so compelling.
“Oh God, I’ve missed you!” She rushed headlong into Peyton’s arms, began to kiss her, but Peyton, while yearning to do nothing more than throw Elena down upon the chaise beside them and ravage her, could not break away from how shut down she felt, and Elena could feel Peyton’s restraint.
“What is it?” Trying physical seduction, unable to keep her hands off Peyton, again Elena tried to kiss her, then stopped, exasperated. “I...only have an hour...”
But as much as Peyton wanted Elena, she slowly pushed her away and looked directly into her eyes, asking the question she did not necessarily want the answer to.