Their Child?

by Christine Rimmer

  A sudden and deep sorrow tried to force itself on her. What if he didn’t really love her, at least not enough to build a future? What if he didn’t want the baby? What if he didn’t want her when he found out she was pregnant? The sorrow tried to turn into a sob, followed by tears welling in her eyes. She blinked them away. There was no question that she was handling the situation badly. She had to tell him. She had to find a way. The tears slowly trickled down her cheeks. How could she be so much in love yet so miserable all at the same time?

  Jean unpacked her overnight bag and prepared for bed. She fell asleep quickly, but it was not a peaceful night. Rather than the euphoria of the weekend providing pleasant dreams, she tossed and turned as her mind filled with everything that could go wrong when she told Ry about her pregnancy.

  She continued with an unsettled night, finally waking half an hour before the alarm went off.

  The morning started the beginning of another work week. Ry had been correct, she saw very little of him during the days that followed. He had also reluctantly been absent from her life for most evenings during the week due to a heavy work load that he had been neglecting while he had spent almost every night with her. She barely saw him for more than a few minutes at a time until Wednesday night.

  The tension had been building inside her all day and now it was almost six o’clock. Ry was due to pick her up any minute to take her out to dinner. Her tattered nerves told her just how high her stress level had risen. Her life seemed to be torn into two facets. One part loved Ry more than anything, reveled in the days and hours they had to themselves and wanted them to last forever. The other part knew telling him could not be put off any longer, regardless of how much it frightened her or how it would impact the future.

  As soon as he arrived at her condo he immediately pulled her into his arms and captured her mouth with a kiss that spoke of pent-up desires, incendiary passion and a deep and abiding love. And everything else faded from her mind.

  “I’ve really missed you. This has been worse than when I was in Chicago for a couple of days. At least there was a good reason for my not being able to see you then. We were two thousand miles apart. But this week has been impossible. You don’t know how often I wanted to go to your office and close the door, but I needed to stay with the manufacturing operation. And the nights…” He stroked her hair as he nestled her head against his shoulder. “There were so many times I wanted to shove the work aside and drive over here just so I could see your face, touch your cheek and taste your lips.”

  He continued to hold her, not wanting to relinquish the warm sensation. “You are such an enchanting temptress that I haven’t been able to stay away from you. It’s almost as if you’d cast some kind of a spell over me that I couldn’t fight.”

  “Stop it.” A soft chuckle escaped her throat as the heat flushed across her cheeks. “You’re embarrassing me.”

  “It’s the simple truth.” He placed a tender kiss on her forehead. “And as a result, I’ve allowed my work requirements to fall far behind schedule and now I’m forced to play catch up. I need to have all the reports completed by Thursday of next week so I can submit them to Matt the next day. So, if I’m going to have this weekend free for us, I’m afraid I need to work at night. This was the only evening I could get some extra time.”

  He lifted her chin so he could look into her eyes. “I hope you understand.”

  “Of course I do. After all, you have a contracted assignment and it needs to be finished on schedule.”

  “So…I’ve made reservations for us for dinner tonight. Are you ready?” He was reluctant to turn loose of her, but they needed to be on their way. And if they didn’t leave right then he knew the next step would be up the stairs to her bedroom—certainly a very appealing and desirable alternative.

  “Yes, and I’m hungry.”

  They went to dinner at a charming, out of the way restaurant where they enjoyed a delicious meal enveloped in the aura of love that surrounded them. They lingered with after-dinner coffee. She was so thrilled to be with Ry again. She didn’t want anything to spoil the perfect evening. Following dinner they returned to her condo.

  Would this be the proper time to tell Ry? The last three days since they had returned from Orcas Island had been filled with longings and fears. The trembling started again, the deep tremors that assaulted her insides and said her anxiety level had reached a new high.

  She had planned to tell him as soon as he arrived, but decided it would be better to wait until they returned from dinner. They had left her condo too quickly and the restaurant was obviously not the proper setting. Should she do it now? Wait for a little while and tell him later that evening? It was already getting late. Maybe it would be better to tell him this weekend when she wouldn’t feel as rushed, when they would have time to discuss the ramifications.

  Yes, that would be better. The decision lessened her immediate trepidation, but did nothing to calm her nerves. The evening had been so perfect. She didn’t want to destroy the mood and atmosphere by bringing up what she knew was going to be a difficult subject, especially when it was too late that evening to devote much time to it.

  She also knew she was only fooling herself by putting it off. Was she living in a dream world? Hoping for some kind of miracle that would somehow make everything all right? She told herself no, but she didn’t believe it.

  Ry spent the night with her, a night containing all the passion and love they had shared over the weekend on Orcas Island. A blissfully happy Jean snuggled into his embrace under the covers. It had only been a few days, but she had missed him so much—missed the warmth of his touch, the passion of his kiss, the earthiness of his sensuality. She also missed talking to him, sharing dreams and ideas with him. Life with Ry would be so perfect. Then she again recalled the task ahead of her. The turmoil played havoc with her senses. She fell asleep in his arms, but an uneasiness continued to circulate through her mind as she slept.

  Ry woke early the next morning so he could return to his hotel and prepare for another day at work. He paused at the front door and pulled Jean into his arms. “I’m afraid the rest of this week will be pretty much like the first part. I’ll be lucky to catch a glimpse of you at work and I’ll be working tonight and tomorrow night at the hotel.”

  He placed a soft kiss on her lips. “Let’s do something Saturday…I don’t care what as long as we do it together. You plan the day for us, whatever you want to do.”

  He squeezed her hand, then turned loose of her. “I’ll call you tonight.”

  She watched as he left. She had allowed yet another opportunity to slip away without telling Ry she was pregnant. She couldn’t let it happen again. First thing Saturday morning, as soon as he arrived to pick her up, she would tell him. The churning trepidation told her just how much she feared the outcome, but she didn’t know why. If Ry loved her, then everything should be all right. But did he love her? He had never said and not knowing preyed on her mind more and more with each passing day.

  She rallied her determination. Saturday morning would be it. There wouldn’t be any more postponements or excuses.

  Ry stepped out of the shower and towel dried his hair. The work week was finished and he had caught up on a lot of the backlog by working nights for the past week. In less than an hour he would be with Jean again for the weekend. A strange combination of elation and anxiety twisted around inside him.

  He didn’t like the unsettled nature of his relationship with her. He wasn’t happy not knowing what the future held. It had taken a lot of internal battle, but he had finally made his decision before going to bed last night. And now after sleeping on that decision, it still felt right. In fact, nothing had ever felt more right.

  He planned to put everything on the line—his emotions, his heart, his carefully buried vulnerability. He would tell her he loved her and offer her a commitment. He didn’t know yet what the details of that commitment would be or how they would work out their careers, but he knew they
would be able to do it. The important thing was that they would be together…forever. And if that meant marriage, then that was what it would be.

  He finished dressing, grabbed his jacket and drove to Jean’s. It was still early, not even eight o’clock yet. He would take her out to breakfast, maybe to the restaurant at the top of the Space Needle so they could enjoy the spectacular view as the restaurant revolved.

  The joy of his decision to offer Jean a commitment continued to well inside him as he approached her front door. To his surprise, the door flung open as soon as he stepped on the porch.

  He immediately pulled her into his arms and kissed her, the moment even more special because of his decision. He couldn’t hold back the grin that played at the corners of his mouth. “I have something I want to discuss with you. I planned to do it before I took you out to breakfast and we started on whatever adventure you had planned for the day, but judging by the way you opened the door you must really be hungry. Maybe we should go to breakfast first.”

  She nervously shifted her weight as she took a step back from his embrace. She had to escape the mesmerizing pull of his touch. She needed to keep her head clear and her emotions in tight control. “I’ve…uh…I’ve been waiting for you.”

  Her nervousness immediately telegraphed to him. Something was wrong. “Jean? Is there a problem?” A tickle of panic tried to take hold. A sense of urgency surrounded his words. “Are you okay?”

  “It’s…we have to talk. I have something I need to tell you and it can’t be put off any longer.”

  “Of course.” He forced a calm outer manner, but it didn’t prevent his insides from twisting into a thousand knots. Somewhere in the back of his mind a tiny spark of fear tried to ignite into a conscious thought. What if she was sick? If she had been diagnosed with some sort of life threatening disease? He pulled together his determination and shoved down his fears. Whatever it was he would take care of her. He would see to it that she got well again. A cold shudder rippled through his body. The thought of anything happening to her was almost more than he could handle.

  He took a calming breath. He was letting his imagination run wild. He needed to get back to reality. She couldn’t be sick. It had to be something else. Maybe a financial problem of some sort. He knew he was grasping at straws. He took her hand and led her to the sofa.

  “Sit down and tell me what the problem is. Whatever it is that’s bothering you—” he paused a moment to recapture his rapidly deteriorating composure “—we can work it out together.” He had to be strong so he could give her the strength and emotional support she obviously needed.

  Jean looked up at him. He looked so concerned, a deep concern that touched her heart. Maybe all of her anxieties and worries had been for no reason. The tension began to ease out of her body. She closed her eyes and drew in a steadying breath. The best thing to do was just say it outright without beating around the bush. She took in another deep breath, held it a few seconds, then slowly exhaled. She reached out and took his hand. She desperately needed the warmth and comfort of his touch and the strength he personified.

  “Ry…” She gulped down the lump in her throat and tried to control the quaver in her voice. She finally forced out the words that had so frightened her. “I…I’m pregnant.”

  She saw the shock spread across his face and felt his muscles tense before he let go of her hand. He jumped to his feet. The concern that had been in his eyes disappeared, to be replaced for an instant by a stormy confusion before turning angry. A sick churning boiled up from the pit of her stomach. Any hope she had for him being pleased with her news, or at the very least readily accepting it, had been dashed.

  “Ry?” Her voice filled with the fear that coursed through her veins. “Say something…please.”

  He finally forced out some words. “You’re…you’re pregnant?” His voice grew angrier, his words accusatory. “How can that be? I always take precautions.”

  “Not that first time…not after all the champagne we had at the rehearsal dinner.”

  The words came out even before he thought about them. “So that’s your claim?” He heard the hard edge to his voice and wasn’t sure exactly where it had come from. “The first time we made love you got pregnant because we had too much to drink?”

  The pain sliced through him like a hot knife through butter. It swirled around inside him, mixing with the sudden anger until he couldn’t tell them apart. Everything he believed in and held true had been pulled out from under him in the blink of an eye. He loved Jean and more importantly, he had trusted her. And now she was saying almost the exact same words Marjorie had uttered so convincingly ten years ago, the deception and manipulation she had used to trap him into marrying her.

  Was that Jean’s game, too? If she had waited a little while longer she wouldn’t have had to use the lie. He would have asked her to marry him because he loved her. But now…he shook his head hoping it would clear out the bad dream and the horrible pain. Only it wasn’t a dream. Everything he wanted, everything he believed in came crashing down around him.

  Every self-protective instinct he had ever possessed, every defense mechanism he had developed from childhood on through adulthood suddenly kicked into play. He had allowed his vulnerability to come out of its safe hiding place and now he was paying the price. He staggered backward a couple of steps as he desperately fought to maintain control of his spiraling panic. The words seemed to come out of his mouth before he could even formulate the thoughts.

  “What’s the name of your doctor?”

  “My doctor?”

  He saw the hurt and confusion on her face, but refused to let it penetrate the protective wall he had put between them, a wall built from bricks made of old wounds and ancient hurts. He had to look away in order to steel himself against his own emotions and the love he felt for her, a love he knew deep in his heart would never go away.

  “Yes…your doctor. The one who confirmed your pregnancy.”

  “I…I haven’t been to the doctor yet. I have an appointment for week after next.”

  “Then how do you know you’re pregnant?”

  “I took a home pregnancy—”

  “And on the basis of something you claim to have bought over the counter at the drugstore you now expect me to…to do what?”

  He closed his eyes as he tried to regain his composure. He had hoped she would be able to give him a name, be able to say she had been to the doctor and the pregnancy was confirmed. But again her words echoed those Marjorie had said to him ten years ago—a home pregnancy test. Well, he had been down that road before and he didn’t want to take that painful journey again. He knew he needed to get away from her physical presence, to leave before his love overruled the reality of what she was trying to do to him.

  “I won’t be manipulated this way…not again. If you get this confirmed by a doctor, let me know.”

  His voice was cold, his physical manner distant. She fought back the tears that threatened to flood down her cheeks. The last thing she wanted was for him to see her cry. He would probably think it was nothing more than another attempt to manipulate him, to use his own word. The horrible pain and the heavy weight of betrayal settled over her. Nothing in her life had been as unbearable as the total and complete rejection she had just experienced. She tried to pull herself together, at least long enough to get him out her door.

  “No.” She saw the surprise dart across his features.

  “No? What do you mean by no?”

  “Just what I said. No—I won’t be bothering you with a doctor’s report.” She heard the bitterness and pain that came out in her voice, but she didn’t care. “You may consider your responsibility in this matter finished as of this moment. I certainly don’t want you to feel as if you were being manipulated in any way.”

  Jean walked to the front door, opened it and stood aside clearly indicating that she wanted him to leave.

  Ry hesitated for a moment, not sure what to do. His mind swirled in a mass
of confusion. She was throwing him out? Dismissing him? He had steeled himself against a totally different type of reaction from her. He had been prepared for her to attempt to coerce him into staying, not for her to tell him to leave. Had he been too hasty in his decision? Had he been wrong to assume—

  “Goodbye, Ryland.”

  Her words cut into his thoughts and penetrated his hurt and anger. They sounded so final. He looked at her, but she refused to make eye contact with him. She looked so determined, so sure of her decision. Doubts flooded through him battering his sense of reality against the rocks. Had he made a colossal blunder?

  “Wait a minute. Perhaps—”

  “I said goodbye, Ryland. I want you to leave right now.”

  Her tone of voice left him no room for argument or discussion. He turned and walked out the door and as he did every fiber of his existence started to unravel. It felt as if his life had just come unglued. He started to turn back, but heard the door slam with a finality that left nothing to the imagination. Then the sounds of uncontrollable sobbing reached his ears. It tore out what little was left of his composure.

  He sat in his car for what seemed like forever before he finally came out of his stupor enough to start the engine. His senses were numb, but not enough to prevent him from choking on the emotions and pain that were pulling him apart.

  He hadn’t allowed himself to cry since that horrible Christmas when he was eight years old and his beloved train had been taken away from him. That was twenty-four years ago. But right now he felt like that eight-year-old boy again and he wanted to drown his sorrow with tears, only he wasn’t eight years old anymore. He was an adult who was totally in love and had just made what was probably the most colossal mistake of his life.