Mom leaned against the kitchen island and smiled up at me. “I told you that Becker knew his stuff.”
“You were right,” I told her.
“Cute too,” she added.
“Mom,” I said in a warning tone.
“I know the look of heartbreak when I see it,” she said. “I know that you’re not ready to move on right now, but Becker has potential when that day comes.”
Becker was cute, smart, and funny. My brain said he was my type, but my heart said otherwise. My mom might’ve been right, and I only needed time, but I didn’t think that was the case. If I ever got over Chaz Hamilton, I was pretty sure that Becker wasn’t the guy I would seek.
The next two weeks dragged on at a torturously slow pace. I miraculously avoided running into Chaz, which was good and bad. I didn’t want to be around him, but I needed to see that he wore misery all over his face like I did. I knew that my staff worried about my withdrawn mood, but they didn’t say anything. On a whim, I started bringing Sadie to work with me and that lifted my spirits. She was great with my animal patients, their owners, and my staff adored having her around all day. Having her and Otis helped ease my loneliness, but it wasn’t a cure.
I was supposed to go to dinner at Josh and Gabe’s the Sunday after they returned from their two-week honeymoon. It was the last place that I wanted to be, but I went anyway. I tried my best not to even look in Chaz’s direction because I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he hurt me. I had decided to move on with my life and get over him at any cost. The first step was to suck it up and spend time near him while not really being with him. I sat quietly in a corner and sipped my beer, hoping no one would notice I wasn’t interacting with the others. Of course, I wasn’t that lucky.
“What did you do?” Gabe asked.
“Me?” I was shocked that he asked me such a ridiculous question. “Me?”
“Yes, you,” Gabe said. “You looked like you were so close to getting everything you deserved and now… Well, it looks like everything went tits up.”
“Tits up?” I asked.
“It’s a saying that Josh is prone to use on occasion. That one and ‘calm your tits.’ So, what did you do?” Gabe asked again.
“It’s not me,” I said, holding my right hand up like I was swearing in before giving testimony. “I thought we were finally heading in the right direction, but he put the brakes on when I asked him on a date. He turned me down flat.”
“You asked Chaz on a date, and he turned you down flat? No explanations or nothing?” Gabe asked to clarify.
“Nothing,” I said, shaking my head because I still couldn’t believe it. “One minute he was looking at me with eyes that begged me to kiss him again, and the next he was telling me that he couldn’t go out with me, but didn’t say why. I think I’m just going to give up.”
“Don’t do that, Kyle,” Gabe said firmly. “If you weren’t upset about it, then I’d agree with you, but you are upset. That means you do care and brushing away your feelings isn’t the right thing to do.” I knew Gabe was thinking about all the twists and turns he and Josh had taken before they fell madly in love with one another. “I promise you that it’s worth the battle.”
I inhaled deeply and released my breath slowly. I turned my head and looked over to where Chaz was sitting next to Emory. Chaz looked up just then, and our eyes met and held for a few seconds before he looked away again. Our connection didn’t last long, but I saw the same yearning in Chaz’s eyes that I felt in my heart. I recognized the sadness and loneliness looking back at me and wondered why we were apart if we were both so damn miserable. “Yeah, okay.”
“Good man,” Gabe said and patted me on the shoulder.
That didn’t mean it was easy for me to be patient and bide my time while Chaz sorted himself out. I fought with myself every day not to call or text him over the next two weeks. My conviction flew out the window when I showed up at Josh and Gabe’s Halloween party and saw Chaz wearing leather pants. It was the icebreaker I needed though.
“Are you a leather daddy?” I asked him.
“Hardly,” Chaz said and snorted. “I’m Ross from Friends.” The episode where Ross sweated in the leather pants and couldn’t pull them up was one of my favorites also. “Where’s your costume?” Chaz asked.
I smiled shyly and undid the top three buttons on my shirt. “I came as Chandler,” I said, flashing him my fake third nipple.
“Oh my God! You have a nubbin!” Chaz threw his head back and laughed. I had missed the sound of his laughter almost as much as his kisses. “That’s perfect.” The smile slid from his face, and he looked somberly at me. “I didn’t think you were coming.”
“I wasn’t sure either,” I said honestly. I’d talked myself in and out of it multiple times that day. By the time I arrived at the party, it was in full swing. Hell, I hadn’t even sought out the hosts to say hello before I made my way to Chaz.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
I opened my mouth to respond, but someone cranked up the volume on Bobby Pickett’s “Monster Mash.” I chuckled as the people started getting down to the popular Halloween song before I turned my attention back to Chaz. “I can tell that you’re sorry, but I wish I knew why.” I had raised my voice so he could hear me over the music. “Are you sorry that you hurt me or sorry that nothing has changed?”
Chaz flinched as if I hit him, but he didn’t break eye contact with me. I saw his resolve to talk to me in his expression and in the way he squared his shoulders. “I need to tell you something, Kyle. I should’ve told you months ago,” he said.
“You can tell me anything,” I told Chaz. I was certain that nothing he said would change my feelings for him. “I won’t like you any less.”
Chaz leaned forward and pressed his lips to my ears and said, “I’m Drew.”
I jerked back from him and looked into his eyes. He wasn’t joking as I had first suspected. Anger and humiliation washed over me. Chaz knew this whole fucking time? He made me talk about the situation with Drew during lunch. Oh my God, had he been playing me? First as his alter ego, Drew, until that got old. I was horrified as I recalled some of the intimate things I chatted about with Drew.
I couldn’t think anymore; I reacted instead. I tossed Chaz over my shoulder caveman style and started carrying him toward the door.
“What are you doing?” Chaz squealed in alarm.
Fury rose swift and fierce inside me and I wasn’t sure how to process it. “Not a word out of you,” I said sharply then followed my command with a slap to his leather-clad ass. What the fuck was I doing? I should’ve postponed our conversation until I was calmer, but I couldn’t put him down and walk away. I wasn’t one to anger quickly, or hardly at all. I was always calm, cool, and in control until Chaz Hamilton came into my world.
“Where are you taking me?” he demanded to know.
Chaz didn’t take direction very well, so I slapped his ass again.
“I’m taking you somewhere we can hash this out in private,” I said. “I can’t believe you, Chaz.” As angry as I was at him, the prodominant emotion I felt was disappointment. I had been let down by people many times during my lifetime and I didn’t always live up to my own expectations, but somehow I didn’t expect that from Chaz. I held him to a higher standard even though he hinted that I shouldn’t the morning after we have sex for the first time. I couldn’t imagine Chaz had a good reason, but I knew in my heart that Chaz wasn’t a jerk, even if his actions indicated otherwise. I would hear what he had to say for himself then make a decision on where to go from there.
I carried Chaz to my truck and unceremoniously dumped him in the passenger seat. “Don’t you fucking move.”
“Okay then,” Chaz said agreeably, but it lacked the perky tone of voice he normally used. Then I realized where I’d heard that phrase. Drew! He used it a lot when we played online or chatted. How the hell did I miss that?
Chaz wisely stayed put and didn’t say anythi
ng else until we arrived back at my house. “Spill it,” I said after I gave him a few minutes to greet my pets.
“Otis is growing so fast,” Chaz said sadly.
“Chaz,” I growled in a warning tone. “You owe me an explanation.”
“I do,” Chaz agreed. He swallowed hard and started telling me how it all began. “I only created that profile to use as research for my book.”
“The one you just finished?” I asked.
“No, the one I already published a few months ago,” he said shyly.
“Wait, you didn’t tell me that the book you finished last month was your second book,” I interjected. How intricate was Chaz’s web of lies?
Chaz closed his eyes while he inhaled deeply and slowly exhaled a few times. Fuck, I was the one who needed to do yoga breathing to calm down. Finally, he opened his eyes and looked at me with sincere regret in his expressive eyes. “If I told you about the book, you would’ve wanted to read it and I couldn’t—”
“—Oh my God!” I cut him off before he could say anything else. “Did you put what I did with Drew in the book?”
“I didn’t use any of the conversations we had or specific things we did, but I worried that you’d recognize some of the situations,” Chaz said.
“Situations?” I practically screeched. Wow, I didn’t realize my voice could get that high.
“Kyle, I didn’t use anything specific,” he reiterated. “I meant how we met and started chatting on the app. My book characters took things further and used Skype and eventually met in person.”
“They did?” I asked. “Is that why you refused to meet me?”
“Kyle, how the hell could I have met you?” Chaz asked irritably. “Besides, the relationship you had with the real me was nothing like the one the book characters had.”
“How was it different?” I don’t know why I needed to know; I just did.
“Well, for starters, one of the characters turned out to be a serial killer and—”
“Did you make me the killer?”
“Babe, I think we veered way off topic here,” Chaz told me.
Then we stood there blinking at one another when we both realized he called me babe. I could tell he wanted to take it back, but I knew it was the most genuine reaction I got from him that didn’t involve sex.
“I think I need a beer. Then I want to hear this again from the beginning,” I told Chaz. “I want to know at what point you knew it was me and why you didn’t tell me before you dirty messaged me through masturbation.”
Chaz’s lips twitched like he wanted to laugh but was too afraid. “Okay, but don’t use the word masturbation in that tone. It sounds so clinical, and I can’t take you seriously.”
“Deal.”
I felt slightly less nauseous and a tiny bit more hopeful that Kyle would forgive me when he handed me a beer and sat down next to me. I wasn’t stupid enough to believe I was out of the woods yet, nor did I deserve to be, but I thought it was a good sign that we were talking. He wanted me to go back to the beginning and start over so that was what I would give him.
I took a long drink of beer and said, “I already established that I created the fake gamer account so I could do research for my book. I’d played online video games before, but I didn’t grasp the concept of the gaming community as a whole or the ways they bonded and formed friendships. To be honest, I’m not even sure why the book idea came to me since gaming wasn’t my thing.”
“Maybe it was the serial killer part that appealed to you,” Kyle said sarcastically. I thought there was a good chance I’d killed any chance at a future with him, so maybe he wasn’t too far off the mark.
I ignored his comment and continued with my explanation. “My original outline involved an online dating app, but I didn’t think it sounded unique enough. I decided to switch it up. I thought I would create Drew, join the community, get the information I needed, and get out. That wasn’t what happened.”
“What happened?”
“I struck up this immediate connection with a gamer named Doc Paws. I started looking forward to the times I could steal away to spend with him and focused less on writing about the experience. I realized it was you once we started chatting privately. The small-town vet with an ex-boyfriend who started dating the gay salon owner gave you away. I couldn’t fucking believe that you were the one I connected with out of millions of online gamers. How was that even possible?”
“Why didn’t you tell me right then?” Kyle asked. “Why would you continue with the charade and allow our friendship to evolve enough that I thought meeting you was the next logical step? We had already clicked and—”
“No, Kyle,” I told him. “You didn’t click with me. You clicked with a successful man from Columbus who had his shit together, not some hair salon receptionist who might as well still be living at home.”
“You made up your name and occupation, Chaz, but the rest was all you.” Kyle shook his head then laughed dryly. “I should’ve known it was you by some of your outbursts. No one sticks their foot in their mouth like you do. I would’ve known it was you though if I’d heard your voice.”
“Like I said, I didn’t plan to stick around long enough to use those nifty headphones and cool gadgets. I just wanted an idea of how a relationship could develop; I didn’t plan to create one for myself.”
“So, you didn’t tell me that you were Drew because you felt inferior or something ridiculous, but why did you take it so far once you realized who I was?” Kyle asked me. By that, he meant the dirty messages we exchanged that led to us jerking off together.
“Honestly, I’d had the hots for you for so fucking long, Kyle. Knowing that I, or an extension of me, could get you hot and hard was a temptation I couldn’t refuse. I never thought that it would develop into genuine feelings. I panicked and bolted when I realized what I’d done. I was wrong, and I understand if you can’t forgive me.”
“Damn, I just can’t wrap my head around it, Chaz.” Kyle shook his head slowly. “The entire time I was messaging Drew, I felt this crazy connection to him like I knew him. He just got me. Then he and I—well you and I—started messing around together and it felt so damn right. I went to bed at night happy that I found someone then I would see you in town or at the salon and I felt this magnetic pull to you that made me forget Drew existed until later that night when we chatted again. I felt like a horrible fucking person for wanting two people at the same time. That was a cruel thing to do, Chaz.”
“I know,” I said softly.
“I don’t think that you do,” Kyle said. “I fell so damn hard for you twice, Chaz, and both times you rejected me instead of trusting me with the truth. Do you have any idea how much you…” Hurt him. Kyle stopped suddenly and shook his head. I did know because the sadness I heard in his voice was louder than his unspoken words. “I messaged you slash Drew every day, and you couldn’t even tell me that you weren’t interested or to fuck off? The only thing that hurt me worse was you walking away from me at the wedding.”
I saw how much I devastated him by my actions and I spent our separation in a constant state of self-loathing that led to sleepless nights and a constant state of misery. Kyle had offered me everything I ever wanted, but I threw it back in his face. I should’ve fallen on the sword and begged his forgiveness. A small hopeful voice whispered, maybe it’s not too late. “I’m sorry—”
Kyle wasn’t through and cut me off before I could finish my apology. “You made me feel like that unwanted, unlovable fat kid again.” He ran his hands roughly over his face then said, “God, Chaz, how are we supposed to work past this?”
I sat blinking at him for the longest time because surely I had misunderstood him. He sounded like we weren’t over and that perhaps he might give me another chance to redeem myself. Then his next words dashed my premature hope.
“I want to understand and forgive you. I want to get back to the way things were between us, but I don’t know if I can, Chaz. I’m just so… disappoin
ted.” Ouch! It would’ve been much easier and less painful had he just been angry. Anger was sometimes easier to overcome once time had passed, but disappointment often lingered long after the tears dried. Who in their life hadn’t worked past their anger over a situation in their life, and who still wore the scars from disillusionment years, or even decades, later. His disappointment cut me to the bone, and his forlorn expression broke my heart in two. True to his compassionate nature, he was more concerned about upsetting me when he should’ve told me to take a hike.
I reached over and placed my hand over his. “You don’t owe me anything, Kyle. I was the one who betrayed your trust twice and ruined something incredible both times.” My voice broke, and I cleared my throat to get myself under control. I refused to cry in front of him and make him feel even worse. I needed to make things easier for him, not harder. I shook my head and stood up. “I’m not sure I deserve your forgiveness, but I damn sure don’t deserve a man like you.”
I started to walk away from him, but he reached out and snagged my hand. “Where are you going?” Kyle asked.
“I was going to walk home,” I replied.
“That last bit you just said was book worthy, but a total cop out,” Kyle said, tugging my hand until I sat down. “We definitely won’t patch things up if you keep running from me every time things get hard. Don’t just tell me you’re sorry and that you regret what you did; show me.”
I’d done just what he accused me of in the past, but it wasn’t my goal that night. I rejoiced in the fact that Kyle still held my hand and hadn’t recoiled from my touch. I’d never been one to gamble or take a leap, except when I published my book, and that wasn’t all that scary since I released it under a pen name. If my book had bombed, no one had to know. I could’ve just chalked it up to a life lesson and gone about my business. That night while looking into Kyle’s bottomless blue eyes, I felt braver than I ever had before in my life. I knew he might never forgive me, but I wouldn’t know unless I took a leap and tried. I boldly turned my hand over and linked my fingers with his.
Unscripted Love (Road to Blissville, #1) Page 15