Behind the Mask

by J. L. Ostle

  “Who cares? He wants you.” Naomi smiles at me. If I heard this a few days ago, I would be touched that he has been crushing over me. Well, a version of me. But too much has happened. He has been obsessing over a girl he thought was real in his head, but he has no problem getting between girls’ legs.

  “It doesn’t matter. I’m still sticking to the plan. Tonight, I was vulnerable, I let him get close to me and it was for show. At the end of the day, his music career comes first. Once my time is up, I’m gone.”

  “What do you mean gone?” Troy asks, confused.

  “You can’t say shit, but I’m leaving once Tegan’s hand is healed.”

  Troy stands up, walking toward me.

  “You can’t leave us, we are a family.”

  I look at him sadly. “We always will be, but I need a change.”

  He pulls me into a hug. “This sucks.”

  “I know, and it sucks more that Naomi will be coming with me also.”

  Troy looks at Naomi and sadness crosses his eyes. Naomi looks at him sadly, also biting her lip.

  “Shit.” Is all he says before he sits back down.

  “You can’t say a word. I will tell the others once I’m ready.”

  He nods in agreement. “Nate is going to be hurt,” Troy adds.

  “Well, he will know how I felt for the last three years,” I say when the bus doors open and Nate walks in. Well, stumbles in and to make it worse he’s not alone. “Yeah, he is going to be hurt,” I say before heading to the bathroom, wanting to get ready for bed.

  “You’re a dick, man.” I hear Troy say before I close the door.

  I lean my back against it. My heart sinks when I hear Nate’s door close. I stay frozen to the spot for a moment before I shower. Once clean I head out, putting on a tank top and shorts, climbing into my bunk, putting in my earphones.

  Like hell, I want to hear him at it.

  I wake up the next day, my head killing me slowly. I feel like I’m dying and my mouth feels like I ate sand. No wonder Tegan says she’s dying after a night out. This is what death feels like. Heading to the bathroom, I brush my teeth and when I look in the mirror I look even paler than usual.

  Walking to the living area, I see Sam sprawled on the couch, looking just as bad. I notice Tegan is sleeping. I wonder what time she got in at. Naomi and Troy are whispering in the booth and I sit alongside her. “Why are my ears burning?” I joke.

  “How are you feeling after yesterday?” Naomi changes the subject. I look out the window to see we are moving.

  When did we start moving?

  “I feel like death and I kind of want to forget about last night,” I quickly add.

  “But Nate likes you.”

  “You don’t bring a girl back if you like someone else. If he figured that I’m his muse.” I use air quotes on the word muse. “That I’m the girl he has been wanting to see. He wouldn’t have been inside another girl.” Maybe I just need a guy to be inside me, help myself move on.

  “He was drunk.” Troy starts to defend him.

  “I am sick of that being an excuse. If a guy was beating a girl when he was drunk would that be okay? No. He can fuck whoever he wants. You know what, I’m going to start moving on. The next guy who isn’t in this band to be nice to me, I’m going to give him a chance.” I cross my arms.

  “Do you think that’s wise?” Naomi looks at me with sad eyes.

  “Yes, now let’s drop the whole Nate thing.” Like he heard us, Nate walks out of his room. I groan to myself when I see him only wearing a pair of his boxers.

  Really, God, you just had to let him have an amazing body. My eyes go to his toned stomach, and images of his body pressed against mine enter my head. I lay my head on the table, wanting to bang against it. If my head wasn’t already in agony I would.

  “Morning,” Nate says, walking toward us, sitting opposite me. Everyone replies, but I just stay quiet. I can feel his eyes on me, but I haven’t got the energy to look up. “Are you feeling okay, Blair?”

  I know it’s childish, but I keep my head down. I lift my arm, giving him a thumbs-up.

  “She’s feeling a little hungover,” Naomi explains.

  “Blair, I was wondering…” Nate starts, but the bus stops. I quickly stand up, running outside to get some fresh air. I know Nate wouldn’t walk out just in his boxers.

  “Don’t forget this.” Naomi comes running out with my mask, and I quickly put it on. “Nate looks upset,” she says. “The girl didn’t stay.”

  “I don’t care if she stayed or not. I also don’t care if Nate is hurt. I am hurt. Right now, I care more about me. Naomi, I need you to be on my side.” I lean against the bus.

  “I am on your side. I just know you have liked Nate for so long and now this could be your chance to be with him. You are his dream girl.”

  “After last night I haven’t got the energy anymore. Plus, if he really wants me, he can be the one now to do the running. I have wanted anything he can throw at me for so long and now he can do it. If he truly wants me, he will prove it,” I say when I see Rich and Gav heading toward us and I give them both smiles.

  “Hello, boys, looking good as always,” I say sweetly. I notice Naomi roll her eyes.

  “Looking good yourself. Nice legs,” Gav says, winking at me. I look down at my short shorts and notice they are quite revealing.

  “Did you have fun last night? You looked like you did with all the shots I saw you consume.” Rich chuckles.

  “I’m feeling it today.” I avoid the question. “I’m going to be heading to the venue shortly if that’s okay?”

  “But you got a few hours until you need to rehearse.” Rich checks his watch.

  “I’m in the mood to play beforehand.” Music always makes me feel better and I want to get some of this frustration out of me.

  “Yeah, that’s fine. Go get ready. I’ll be here.”

  I smile before heading back on the bus.

  Nate is still sitting in his seat. I walk past him, heading to the bunk area, putting on a pair of black skinny jeans. I see Troy’s clean clothes scattered about and I grab a white shirt, remembering what Tegan wore at the photoshoot. I leave most of the buttons open, so you can see my black lace bra.

  I wave up my hair, doing my makeup and placing the mask back in place. I look in the mirror, feeling good with my appearance even though I still feel a little drained. I look at Tegan, who is still sleeping. I kiss her forehead before walking to where Naomi is near the couch and her eyes trail my body.

  “Okay, I’m ready,” I say. All guys turn and looks to me. I feel Nate check me out slowly.

  “Ready, sweets?” Rich steps on the bus and I give him a warm smile, skipping toward him, linking my arm through his.

  “Always.” I wink at him and he smirks at me.

  “Wait for me,” Naomi calls out after me.

  Rich drives us to the venue and I already see everyone working away setting everything up. I head to the stage, helping out. I want to keep myself busy and this is what I’m good at. The roadies know it’s me behind the mask, but they all tease me, pretending they don’t know who I am.

  Once the microphone is set up, I turn up the radio to see what’s playing and I smile at the sound of Lady Gaga’s “Alejandro.” I grab the mic, moving my hips to the beat as I start to sing. I love a catchy song, and Lady Gaga knows her shit.

  When the first chorus hits, the roadies stop what they are doing, turning up the radio, making the music flow around the room, and they all start dancing. Travis comes to me with a headpiece, placing it on me, then takes my hand as we start to waltz around the stage.

  I sing to him. When he spins me, I walk slowly back to the middle and a few of the girls join me as we start to do a dance routine. Them singing along with me. Naomi joins my side, smiling at me.

  Moving my hips, I sing with all the energy I can muster. I sing louder, I sing with everything in me. Singing out all the anger I am feeling.

  I am still sing
ing when Travis once again takes my hand and we waltz around the stage during the chorus. When the last words leave my mouth, we all applaud one another. I watch as they disconnect a few things, getting them back to where they were.

  Feeling eyes on me, I turn to see the guys and my sister standing there, gazing at me.

  How long have they been standing there?

  Why are they even here?

  Nate’s eyes are entranced with mine. He walks slowly toward the stage, toward me. “You can really sing,” he says in awe.

  I shrug. “I guess.” I walk away, heading to the changing rooms, not wanting him to try and pull me back in.

  I head in the room and I’m only in there for two seconds before the door bangs open, Nate walking in, locking the door behind him.

  “What the fuck do you think you are doing?” I yell at him.

  “I am sick of you ignoring me.”

  I start to laugh. “You have been doing that to me for years. I have done it for what?” I pretend to look at my imaginary watch. “Half a day?” I point to the door. “Get out.”

  “No.”

  No?

  “Get the fuck out,” I yell at him, but he walks slowly toward me.

  “No,” he says in a stern voice.

  “Fine, I’ll leave.” I walk around him, heading to the door, when I feel him push me against it. His front pressed into my back. “Get the hell off me,” I shout, trying to push him back, but he’s too strong.

  “Stop being so difficult.” He takes hold of my wrists.

  “Stop being a dick.”

  “Say dick one more time, I dare you.” He growls in my ear, causing me to shiver.

  “Dick, dick, dick,” I say over and over. Soon I feel his erection press against my ass.

  “Do you have any idea how happy I am knowing that you are my muse? The girl I thought didn’t exist, that I thought I was going crazy over. I wanted you, Blair, I wanted you for years. Fuck, I wanted you when you were sixteen but knew I couldn’t.” He bites my neck, causing me to scream out in pleasure.

  “But I was drawn to the voice, thinking I was dreaming of a muse who sings and touches my very soul. My very core. I wanted you both, but I knew I didn’t deserve you. I still don’t, but you make it so fucking difficult.” He grabs a fistful of my hair, pulling my head back.

  “You are my muse, the girl I wanted but could never have. And guess what?” He pauses, smelling my neck. “I want to be inside you. I want you to scream out my name.” With those last words I use my elbow and hit him in the stomach, making him step back, and I quickly open the door.

  “See, even now you are just thinking of your dick. You don’t want me. You want the fantasy of me. The one you dreamed up,” I say to him. “Once you had me the novelty will wear off.”

  “It won’t. I want you.” He approaches me, and I walk backward.

  “No, you want a dream girl and I’m not her.”

  He backs me against a wall.

  “You are her. You’re the one I always wanted. You are stuck up here.” He taps the side of his head. “You have always been in there, even in my dream world.” His breathing comes in fast.

  He stays there watching me, not saying a thing, but I feel like I’m being suffocated by this pull. I feel it surround me. I see his chest heaving up and down. I need to get away before he truly pulls me in.

  I am about to open my mouth to tell him I’m leaving, when his mouth lands on mine, surprising me. I shouldn’t be letting him kiss me, but all I’m thinking about is that he is kissing me.

  He is finally kissing me.

  Years of wanting.

  Of waiting.

  I don’t move for about a second before I close my eyes and kiss him back with everything I have. I feel like I have just been drugged. I have never felt anything like this before. My whole body tingle with so much want and need.

  Months of wanting, but never having, are finally catching up with us both. I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me, and when I hear him growl in the back of his throat, I groan into his mouth. He pushes me farther into the wall and I can feel his erection against me and I start grinding myself against him.

  I am still angry at him, but with all this lust it’s making me crave this even more.

  He glides his hands down until he reaches my ass and he bends and lifts me so my legs are wrapped around his waist. I continue to grind against him, trying to dull this ache that is building, but it makes it worse. I want him so badly. I am pulling his hair as he digs his fingers into me, causing me pain, but it feels so good.

  But it’s not enough.

  I need more.

  I want more.

  “Nate,” I breathe out.

  He kisses me harder and I arch into him. He starts kissing my neck and jaw. I hear people moving about in the background. I know anyone can see us, but I am lost. I can feel this kiss right through my whole body. I place my hand to cover his dick over his jeans and start rubbing it, causing him to hiss.

  “Fuck.” He bites my neck and I pant out his name again. I need him inside me. I don’t care about the consequences right now.

  All I know is that I need his dick.

  With fumbling hands, I unbutton his jeans when I hear someone clearing their throat and I turn my head, seeing my sister standing there with her hands on her hips, looking at us both with very angry eyes.

  “What the fuck do you think you are doing?” Tegan shouts at us both.

  Nate helps me down, and I look at the ground, completely embarrassed. What was I thinking?

  Yeah, that’s right, I wasn’t thinking.

  “Please don’t tell me you would have let him fuck you backstage? Where all your friends and the people we work with are only a few feet away and can see?”

  I don’t lift my gaze from the ground.

  “Tegan—” Nate starts, but he gets interrupted.

  “Blair isn’t one of your whores. You can’t just fuck her anywhere that’s easier for you. Does she not deserve more class than this? Troy and Sam filled me in. So, you found your imaginary girl with a voice you can’t get out of your head?” She shakes her head. “What now? You are going to be an honest man and stay faithful to my little sister? Be her boyfriend?”

  I look up a little at Nate and he avoids my eyes, looking only at Tegan.

  “What happens now? You keep fucking her? Letting her sing for you? Then what?”

  “Tegan—” He tries again, but she doesn’t let him talk.

  “She is my little sister, Nate. My little sister. You know if you hurt her in any way this wouldn’t work out. I can’t be in a band who ends up breaking my sister’s heart.”

  I look at her like she has four heads.

  “Tegan, you don’t have to say this,” I plead with her.

  “I do. I need him to know where he stands and what the consequences will be. You have seen what he’s been like over the years, he loves to fuck, and he doesn’t fuck the same girl twice. He will get bored. He will see the fantasy isn’t the same as the reality.”

  I know all this.

  “I don’t want anything to do with him like that,” I say, sounding stronger. “It was a moment of madness.”

  “Guys, you are on in five.” Travis jogs over, telling us. He looks at each of us and must be able to see something is going down as he quickly leaves.

  “You have nothing to worry about, Tegan, it won’t be happening again.” I start to head to the stage.

  “I love you, sis, I just don’t want him hurting you, because I know he will. Even if he doesn’t mean to.”

  I know what she is saying is right.

  “I know.” Is all I say as I head to the stage area. Naomi runs over to me, holding my hand. “I fucked up,” I say, breathing in deeply as my eyes prickle with tears. I just had my first kiss with Nate last night and it’s a kiss I regret. It should have been more special, but I would have let him fuck me also, and that would have been something I’d regret also.


  “What happened?” Naomi asks with concerned eyes.

  “Tegan will fill you in. I have to go be a rock star,” I say weakly, following Travis’s orders and heading to my spot on the stage, the crowd chanting my name over and over. I plaster on a smile, waving at them.

  Soon all the lights go out. When the light shines again, it’s on Nate. His back is to the crowd, him facing me as he stands in the middle of the stage. He gives me a pleading look, but I ignore it.

  We play our set, Nate singing as amazing as always. The crowd screams out in excitement. I feel their energy flowing through my veins, giving me that high feeling that I enjoy. Adrenaline rushing through me.

  It is the last song of the night. I wonder what song he is going to sing. He walks slowly toward me, ignoring the crowd, his fans, the guys. “I’m going to prove to you that I’m going to be different,” he says before heading back to the middle of the stage.

  Grabbing the microphone, he smiles at the crowd. I am sure I hear a few girls fainting. “As you know I sing a song at the end of the show. I sing something that I feel means something in that moment. Now, I am wondering, would you like to hear Star sing with me? Would you guys like to be the first to hear a duet?” The crowd goes crazy. “You heard them, Star.” He smiles at me.

  I shake my head at him. I can’t sing to this many people.

  Is he crazy?

  He thinks this is a way to prove himself to me? By what? Embarrassing me?

  “Sing with me, let the world hear your voice.”

  I walk closer to him, whisper-shouting at him, “What are you doing?”

  “I want you to sing with me. I want you at my side always. Just one song and I will die a happy man.” He gives me puppy dog eyes, causing me to laugh. I nod and he smiles at me triumphantly. “What song shall we sing?”

  I ponder it for a second.

  “‘Wake me Up’ by Boyce Avenue,” I say and he nods, smiling. He goes to the guys and then comes back to me, helping me take off the guitar, taking my hand as we head to the middle of the stage.

  He starts to sing, looking at me, and I feel even more nervous knowing I’m about to sing with him. I close my eyes and let the words out, then open them again after my line. We take our turns on each verse. When we sing the chorus together our voices just mesh.