If I Say No (Say Something #2)

by Brandy Jellum

  “I’m not?”

  “No…and you left me, remember?”

  “You had every opportunity to keep me from leaving. All you had to do was tell me the truth.”

  “I know and I will. I have some things I need to do, things I need to deal with first, before I can tell you everything. But you need to be fair. I gave you time when it was you needing to tell the truth. I never pushed; I never prodded. Why can’t you do the same for me?” I take another step toward her.

  “I already told you why.”

  “That’s a bullshit excuse, and you know it. You’ve been looking for an excuse to run since the beginning. Now that you know my world isn’t perfect, it terrifies you. You did the only thing you know how to do in that situation. You ran.”

  Liza’s face drops and she shifts her gaze to the floor. I see her wipe away a tear and the crack in my heart grows a little more. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be going. I’m such an ass. I can’t believe I just said that. I’m supposed to be convincing her to take me back, to give me time to explain everything to her. Not to belittle her and cast blame.

  Maybe I’m the asshole Eli thinks I am after all.

  Liza lifts her head. She glances at me for a second before setting her cold hard stare on Eli. “Why, Elias? Why did you bring him here?”

  “You have to hear him out.” Eli walks toward Liza and reaches out to her. She hesitates and pulls away from him. I’m secretly elated that she didn’t rush to him. “Just give him a chance to explain what he can. Listen to him with an open mind and consider everything he has to say carefully. It’s really important that you do this.”

  “You’re taking his side?” she yells at Eli and throws her hands up in the air.

  Eli exhales heavily. “This was my idea, actually.”

  She stares at him for what seems like an eternity and finally looks to me again. “Fine,” she says harshly. “Start talking.”

  “Is there somewhere we can sit down? I’d much rather we—”

  She cuts me off. “Either you start talking now, or I’m walking out this kitchen and any chance you have is going with me.”

  “Liza…” Eli takes a step toward her. Her body is shaking with anger, her face is a soft hue of red, and her hard stare is glued to mine. “He’s right. You should sit down for this.”

  “No.” She doesn’t budge.

  This definitely hasn’t started off the way I was hoping. Now I don’t even know how to begin. Eli and I planned what we were going to say, but I guess I threw that out the window the moment I lost my cool and opened my big mouth.

  Eli steps away from Liza. “Your move, Reid,” he says.

  “This isn’t a game, you two,” Liza barks.

  I walk over to the breakfast bar, pull out a stool, and sit down. I bury my head in my hands and rub my face. I hear Liza release an irritated sigh from where she is standing.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell her. “Sincerely and deeply and honestly and totally.”

  “How original.”

  I keep going. “I’m sorry for hurting you. It was never my intention.”

  She looks at Eli. “Is this going anywhere significant?”

  “Liza,” Eli cuts in, “let him talk.”

  Liza glares at him again. Some of the spitfire in her is making an appearance, and I’m happy for it. That’s the girl I know and love. “So, what I’m trying to say is this. I want you—no, I need you—to forgive me. Yes, I have secrets…I planned on sharing them with you, and I still do. Before I can do that, I need to face the darkness of them myself. There’s more happening here than you realize, and now it’s put us both in jeopardy. I just want to make sure we’re both safe and happy and ready to move forward with our life together, because I still believe we’ll have that – a life together. You and me.” The words spill out of my mouth and a tear streams down my cheek. Well, damn, that wasn’t supposed to happen either.

  “I don’t know.” Liza drops her arms and takes a step forward before stopping herself.

  “Reid,” Eli says. “Just tell her.”

  Liza glances between Eli and me. “Tell me what?”

  “Reid still wants the wedding to happen.” His eyes gleam mischief, which is not the right direction to take this.

  “That isn’t Reid’s choice, is it?”

  I glare fire in his direction. “What the hell are you doing, Eli?”

  He doesn’t look at me as he blows our plan to shit. “He wants to move up the date, too…because the FBI thinks it’s the only way they can lure his brother out into the open.”

  “So that’s what this is all about: your brother.” She shakes her head and stares down at the floor. “You didn’t come back to beg me for forgiveness, did you? You came here to pull me into your stupid plan. Since when have the FBI been involved?” Since the topic has been brought up, I’m ready to tell her everything. But I don’t get the chance. “You know what, I don’t even want to know. If you’d been honest with me as soon as you walked in here, I might have been willing to listen. But now? You can burn in hell for all I care.”

  “It’s for your own protection, Liza!” I plead.

  “I’m not your pawn, and I’m not your fiancée anymore…and as of now, I’m not your concern.”

  I could throttle Eli. He knew dropping a bomb like that would cause this reaction and she would dismiss the idea before I had a chance to really explain myself. This was going to be about more than my brother.

  This was my chance to win her back.

  “You’re a dick,” I tell Eli.

  “You wanted to be honest,” he answers. “This is what honesty looks like. It’s not just telling her the things that make you look good.”

  I ignore him.

  “Liza, I came here because I love you. I need you. More than anything else in my life. Without you, I’m lost. Eli is only partly correct: I did come here with the intention of trying to talk you into marrying me and moving the wedding date, but not just because the FBI told me to. I did it because I don’t want to go another day without you by my side. These last few days have been torture. Even Eli can’t deny that…he’s seen it for himself.” He just shrugs, as if he’s not going to help me anymore. “What can I say or do to prove this to you?”

  Liza stares at me for a moment. “You’ve blown chance after chance to come clean with me and let me into your life all the way. I’d say you’ve done pretty much everything you can at this point.” Then she turns and leaves the kitchen.

  I jump up to follow her. Eli’s hand on my shoulder holds me back. “Let her go, Reid.”

  I throw his hand off of me. “Fuck you, Elias! This is exactly what you wanted.”

  “You’re wrong,” he tells me. “You don’t think I know she wants you back as much as you want her? I was trying to get you to see that you can’t keep doing what you’ve done if you expect things to be different between the two of you.”

  “That’s a shitty way of doing it.” I feel my jaw clench and lock.

  “I’m sorry…it wasn’t the best plan of action, I guess.”

  I can’t help but feel like he’s gotten exactly what he wants here. Instead of helping Liza and I put our relationship back together, he’s broken it even more. “Know that whatever pain she’s in now is partly your responsibility, too, okay? Then we can both feel like assholes for it for the rest of our lives.”

  I turn and walk out with letting him say anything else.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  IT’S BEEN THREE DAYS since I stormed out of Eli’s house. People might say three days isn’t a long time but to me it’s an eternity. I’ve tried calling Liza a hundred times. In the beginning, the phone would ring and ring before going to voicemail. Now, it doesn’t even ring once and I get voicemail right away.

  She’s turned off her phone. Not a good sign.

  If I’m not in the office taking my anger out on Derek, I’m at home drinking myself into oblivion until Marco drags me to bed. It isn’t supposed to be this difficult
.

  I have to talk to Lily so I can move on.

  I have no idea where to find her.

  I spoke with Agent Johnson this morning, and he assures me that Lily and Ollie are somewhere safe. I told him I need to make contact, which he says isn’t possible at the moment. I don’t like it, but it’s out of my control. I’m going crazy with all these thoughts running through my head. For so long, I haven’t allowed myself to feel. It wasn’t until Liza that I realized it was possible. But now, all the feelings I’ve held back are coming to me at once. Maybe I’m putting myself through this pain as penance for what I’ve put Liza through.

  “Mr. Harder.” Derek’s taken to addressing me formally after I snapped at him yesterday morning for his lack of professionalism. Another victim of my anger. “You have a visitor.”

  “Tell them I’m not seeing anyone right now.”

  I hear the muffles of Derek’s voice as he relays the message. I continue looking through the email I’ve been not reading for the last twenty minutes. The intercom beeps again. The sound of Derek’s voice aggravates me. “This individual insists on seeing you.”

  “Tell this individual to call and schedule an appointment.”

  The door bursts open.

  I look up into Liza’s eyes. “I’m pretty sure you have time to see me.”

  She closes the door behind her. She looks better than the last time I saw her. Her dark wavy hair is down and frames her green eyes. Her face is fresh. She looks rested.

  “Of course.” I stand up nervously.

  She crosses the office with long strides, drops into the chair on the other side of my desk and crosses her arms.

  “I wasn’t expecting it to be you.”

  “I know.” She says. “We need to talk. “

  “Look, I can explain everything, if you—”

  “Just let me talk for a minute.” She leans back in the chair and takes a deep breath. “I’m not happy about any of this. Walking out wasn’t a decision I made easily, but I don’t regret it. I can’t live with secrets anymore. I’ve lived with them far too long, and it kills me to know that after all we’ve been through together you still don’t feel like you can tell me what’s going on with you. We’re supposed to be able to tell each other everything. I know I have no room to talk because I’ve shut you out in the same way you’ve shut me out. I had hoped we were getting past all of it, but it seems like it just keeps weighing us down.”

  “If you would just let me ex—”

  “I’m not finished.” She shoots me a glare. “Elias filled me in on what’s happening with your brother and the FBI. It seems a little more critical than our lack of agreement about what constitutes truth-telling in a relationship.” She takes a deep breath. “So I’ll do it.”

  I’m kind of lost now. “Do what?”

  Liza rolls her eyes. “We’ll get married. Two weeks from now.”

  I don’t know what Eli said to get her to agree but I couldn’t care less.

  “Thank you!” I say, too emphatically.

  “Don’t get excited.” Her flat voice interrupts my jubilation. “The wedding is a set up. A trap to catch your brother. That’s all.” Her face remains emotionless. “That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

  “Yes…I mean, no.” Have I screwed up so badly that I really have ruined the possibility of us? My face falls.

  “Don’t look at me like that,” she says softly. “This is what you wanted, and you’re getting it. If we take your brother down then we’ll all be safe. Lily and Ollie included.”

  I’m speechless. How much did that jackass tell her? Liza has agreed to have a fake wedding just to force my brother’s hand. I can’t let it happen like this.

  “No.” I say finally. Her eyebrows rise. “I’m not doing a fake wedding.”

  “I really don’t see any other option. Elias said—”

  “He has no idea what he is talking about.” I raise my voice. “I’m not going to drag you through a wedding you don’t want to happen. I’m not going to put you at any more risk than I already have. I’m not going to hurt you anymore. If you can’t sincerely marry me because you want to, then we’ll just find another way to pull Rhett out of wherever he’s hiding.”

  Liza pushes the chair back and stands up. She plants both her hands on the desk and leans over. “You don’t get to make that decision. You’ve put me in danger. If the only way to stop this psychopath is to have a wedding, then we’re having a wedding.”

  “How will you do that if the groom doesn’t show up?” I glare at her, refusing to look away first. “I said no and I mean it. You’re only doing this because you’re angry with me. You have every right to be but I’m not going to let you do this. If we get married, we’re getting married.”

  “Don’t you get it?” She isn’t softening. “I’m broken – we’re broken. I told you I’m incapable of giving you what you want and you pushed anyway. This wouldn’t be happening if you would have just stayed away. If you would have honored my rejection the first time and just kept being my boss. You brought this upon yourself. You knew I was broken and you insisted on fixing me. Well, guess what? I’ve thought about it, and I don’t want to be fixed. I don’t need to be fixed.”

  Her words slam into me and I realize the truth in them. I did push her. That’s all I’ve ever done. What’s happening here isn’t just about my selfishness or my inability to let her in. This has been a seed growing since the very first time I met her. Since the moment I technically blackmailed her into meeting me at Gravity. It was never my intention, but I’ve made such a mess.

  “I didn’t want to fix you,” I tell her. “I just wanted to love you. I thought maybe you could love me in return.”

  “I am incapable of love. Since that day I found my mother’s body, that piece of me died with her. It didn’t matter how much I hated her or my father. The pain of it lives in me each and every day. I thought I could love you, and I really thought I did. But I was more caught up in the idea of being loved by someone. I know now that I can’t return what you’ve given me.” Her voice weakens. “It isn’t you, Reid; it’s me. I’m the one who is messed up.”

  I slam my hand against the desk and push out of my chair. “That’s an excuse, and you know it. When are you going to realize you can let go of the past and move on?” I could ask myself the same question.

  “I can’t. I just can’t.”

  Before I realize what I’m doing, I walk around the desk, pull her into my arms, and crush my lips against hers. She tries to pull away and fight me off but I hold on tight. I put everything I have into it. Everything I’ve felt since the moment I’ve met her—it’s all in that one kiss. She tries one last time to break free before giving in. Our lips part and our tongues dart back and forth. I pull her even closer to me.

  The feel of her in my arms, of her mouth against mine again, makes me instantly hard. I press my body against her, grinding next to her sweet spot, and she releases a moan. I grab the back of her head and a handful of her hair and give it the slightest tug. She moans again, and our breathing becomes ragged. We are panting, breathless, but neither of us are willing to stop. This kiss holds so much emotion. It’s unlike any kiss we’ve ever shared.

  I pull away and nip at her lips. “Tell me you don’t feel it, too.” I kiss her again. “Tell me you aren’t feeling what I’m feeling and I’ll stop. I’ll let you go and comply with whatever plan you have.”

  She pulls away. Her eyes are wet and I know she is feeling the same thing I am feeling. “Desire and love are two different things, Reid,” she whispers. “I may desire you, but that doesn’t mean I love you.”

  I release her and look into her eyes. She’s lying to me. She’s lying to herself. I know it and she knows it. But she is stubborn and scared. She’s trying to be strong, thinking that it’s the right thing to do, when it’s the wrong thing to do. I don’t know why she’s torturing herself. I may deserve that, but she doesn’t. “Do you really believe that?” I ask.

&n
bsp; “I do.” She turns her head to hide her tears. “So…is there going to be a wedding in two weeks or not?”

  I’m not sure if I should respond. I don’t know if she is testing me or herself. I don’t have any idea what she is doing right now. I want to reach out and pull her in my arms again. I want to feel her lips against mine. I just want her to let me love her. I just want her to know she is capable of love. But she doesn’t see what I see. She doesn’t see what everyone else sees. She doesn’t see the strength she really has, the beauty and kindness she offers everyone. Her humor or her laughter. Everything about her is beautiful and I only wish she could see it the way everyone else does. I want to be the person who shows her all of these things.

  I realize in this moment that she is far more broken than I even thought. She’s spent all her life wearing a mask to hide her real feelings. She’s learned how to go through the motions of day to day life. She’s learned how to deny herself what she wants the most. The past year was just the tip of the iceberg and now she’s melting away.

  I realize I’m the one who set all of this in motion.

  Whether or not I want to, I have to play by her rules.

  I always have. Now should be no different.

  “There will be a wedding,” I finally say. “We’ll do it your way.” If she wants to put on a fake wedding, then we will.

  I press my lips against hers softly before pulling away. We stare into each other’s eyes before she turns and makes her way to the door. She stops with her fingertips on the handle and looks over her shoulder. “I never meant to deceive you, Reid.”

  Her voice is so quiet, I’m not even sure she’s really spoken.

  “I’m sorry.”

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  AFTER LIZA LEAVES MY OFFICE, I replay the entire conversation in my head, over and over again. When are you going to realize you can let go of the past and move on? There’s so much truth in that. So much I need to learn from them and do myself. There isn’t time for regret any more, no room for what ifs. Nothing good has come from dwelling on the past. I need to let go once and for all.