If I Say No (Say Something #2)

by Brandy Jellum

  I try to call Agent Larson. Right now, it’s the only way I can reach Lily. After two rings, I get his voicemail. I leave a message that Liza has agreed to the plan and wait for his call back.

  A piece of me will always love Lily. How can I not? She brought me back from a dark place after Alexandra’s death. I need to see her. I have so many things I need to say to her. There will never be enough apologies in the world to make up for what’s happened, but I have to try.

  I scroll through the contacts on my phone. I land on Eli’s name and pull up the screen to send him a text.

  Thanks for talking to her. I owe you.

  Seconds later, my phone chirps.

  Anytime.

  Things will never be tight between Eli and me. But the only thing that matters is that Liza is happy. If I expect her to accept someone from my past someday as I hope she will do with Lily, I have to do the same for her with Eli.

  I email my overseas contact and inform him that as soon as things settle here I will schedule a trip over. I email my uncle to let him know there’s been a delay, and I will tend to it as soon as I can. This will probably piss him off; he wants it all taken care of right away. He can send someone else if need be. I have too much shit going on at the moment to worry about business. I want to call Liza and ask her how we’re going to do this whole wedding thing, but I decide it’s too soon. She’ll call me when she’s ready.

  There’s a knock on the door. Derek pokes his head through “Mr. Harder?”

  “C’mon, Derek…don’t be like that,” I say.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Mr. Harder. Just being professional, like you asked me to.” He won’t let up.

  “I’m sorry I snapped at you yesterday. Things have been a bit rough.”

  “I have, yes. Apology accepted.” He opens the door further. “Your mother is on line one. I tried the intercom but it isn’t working.”

  I look over to where the receiver should sit. I look over the side of the desk and see it on the floor. I sheepishly pick it up and place it back in its cradle. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome…boss.” He winks.

  I steady myself for whatever is about to come. Then I pick up. “Yes, mother?”

  “Don’t you ‘yes, mother’ me!” Her voice blasts through the phone. “Liza called me…you two have done an about face and now the wedding is on again—is this right?”

  “That would be correct.” I rest my head on my free hand and shake my head.

  I hear her laugh but the sound of it makes me cringe. I’m not prepared for whatever is coming next. “In two weeks?” she yells. I hold the phone away from my ear. “How are we supposed to pull off a wedding in two weeks? Do you even know if the venue is available? Oh Lord…that’s it. I’m packing up and coming down there. Get my room ready. I’ll be there late tonight.”

  “Tonight?”

  “Yes, son. Tonight. You kids can’t hold off per the original plan, so I’m coming tonight to get this all sorted out. Tell Liza she is not to go to bed until I get there. I want to talk to the both you. Am I clear?” She hangs up before I have a chance to respond.

  What am I going to tell my mother when she arrives and Liza isn’t there? Oh, by the way, Liza is staying with Eli, as in another man’s house. Did you also know that the wedding is all a setup to catch your other son in the act of…whatever it is he’s planning? So much for keeping a low profile.

  Liza should have let me make the call once we got all the details figured out. Granted, that would have pissed her off too, but at least I could have smoothed it over without having her here. She’ll be in Rhett’s line of fire, too. What am I supposed to do now?

  This just keeps getting more complicated all the time.

  I decide to head home for the day. There’s too much running through my mind. I can’t focus on anything else.

  “Derek,” I say as I slip on my jacket.

  “Yes, boss?”

  “Make lunch reservations for three tomorrow, at The Grenadier.” I’m hoping a meal at my mother’s favorite restaurant will smooth her feathers.

  “I’ll text you the confirmation.”

  “Then take the afternoon off.”

  “Thanks, boss. See you tomorrow?”

  “Probably not.” It’s a good thing the company is owned by my uncle. Considering how much time I spend out of the office, I’m pretty sure I’d be out of a job right now otherwise.

  The drive home is quick and easy. I head into the kitchen and grab a beer. It’s only three in the afternoon, but I need to start drinking now to survive the night with my mother. Right about now would be a good time for Liza to call me. I stare at my phone and will it to ring.

  Nothing.

  “Fuck it,” I say to myself and close the refrigerator door. “If I’m going down, so is she.”

  I head back over to the breakfast bar and pick up the phone. I scroll to Liza’s name and hit the call button. It rings once…then twice… and then a third time before she picks up. “You called my mother?” I say before she even speaks.

  “I didn’t think it would be a problem.”

  I laugh. “You didn’t think it would be a problem. News flash, love: it’s a huge problem. She’s on her way here right now and she expects you to be here and awake when she arrives.”

  “Oh shit,” she whispers into the phone.

  “Yeah…oh shit.”

  Liza is quiet and I listen to the sound of her breath. “What do we do?”

  “I say you get your ass over here and pretend that everything is fine with us, just like you told her it was. Or we can just tell her the real reason—”

  “NO! That’ll break her heart.” She’s quiet again and I swear I can hear the wheels turning as she weighs her options. “I’m on my way.”

  I pace through the kitchen as I wait for her. This is the first time she’s coming back to the house since she walked out. This is where she belongs. It feels right…and yet, it feels different.

  Eli doesn’t live too far away, so after forty-five minutes I wonder what’s taking her so long. I’m getting ready to call when I hear the gates open. I head into the foyer and open the door just as she stops her white BMW in front of the house. I smile, remembering when I finally talked her into getting rid of her death trap of a car. I think she even shed tears when we left it sitting in a junk yard. She sits for moment with her head in her hands. Finally, she climbs out.

  She has a small bag with her and I move to the side to let her in past me. “Welcome home,” I say.

  She shrugs her shoulders and offers me a weak smile in return.

  I follow her down the hall and into the kitchen. She goes to the pantry and pulls out a bottle of wine. I watch as she silently pours herself a glass and drinks it down in one gulp. She sets the glass down on top of the black marble countertop and looks at me. “I think I’m going to need something stronger.”

  “You and me both.” I laugh softly and head over to the liquor cabinet and pull out a bottle of whiskey. Liza pulls out a couple of glasses and I pour us a drink. She holds her glass up and I clink mine against hers. She finishes the drink in one swift gulp and starts to pour herself another one. “Liza?”

  “I need my liquid courage tonight.” She eyes me curiously and I nod my head at her. “I shouldn’t have called your mother. I wasn’t thinking.”

  “It’s been done.”

  “Promise me something.” She looks at me and I raise an eyebrow in question. “Promise you won’t let me get too sloshed and take advantage of me.”

  I shrug my shoulders and laugh out loud. “How can I be sure you won’t be the one taking advantage of me?”

  She laughs and takes another drink. “I mean it, Reid. No funny business. Things still aren’t right with us and if we go sleeping together it will make it a bigger mess.”

  “I’ve always thought of sleeping with you as making love, and that it is a beautiful thing.”

  She rolls her eyes and finishes her
second glass. She offers me another drink and I decline. She’s right. One of us has to keep our head straight. If anything happens, it will definitely make a bigger mess than we already have on our hands. “But I promise to be a good boy.” I hold up three fingers and smile. “Scout’s honor.”

  “You weren’t a boy scout, so that doesn’t count.”

  I laugh again and walk over to the refrigerator. I pull out a soda can and pop open the top. I take a drink, letting the cool liquid slide down my throat. I set the can on the counter next to the refrigerator and close the distance between Liza and me. She hesitates and takes a step back as I approach her. I stop just in arms reach away and stare down at her. She casts her eyes down to the floor as if I am making her nervous. I take another step forward and notice the hesitation again. I reach out, place a finger under her chin, and turn her head toward me.

  “I promise you’re safe with me.” I place a kiss on the corner of her lips.

  I walk back over to the breakfast bar and pull my laptop out of my briefcase. I didn’t know Liza had brought hers, so I’m surprised when she pulls it out of her bag and takes a seat next to me. For the rest of the evening we sit by each other silently and work on our computers. We exchange a few glances here and there. Liza isn’t typically the person to drink a lot when she is nervous about something, but I don’t say anything when she pours a third drink.

  The sun is setting and the sky is beginning to darken. The house is quiet with the exception of the two us typing away on the keyboards. I look out the kitchen window and take in the darkness. It’s peaceful out tonight, and it feels almost normal to be sitting here with Liza. Something I realize I didn’t miss until now. Something so small I never appreciated in the past.

  The calm atmosphere is suddenly broken when I hear the gates opening. I close the laptop and look at Liza, who suddenly looks sick to her stomach. I can’t figure out if it’s because she’s had too much to drink or because my mother is here. Maybe a little of both.

  “She’s here,” Liza says in soft voice.

  I stand up, nod and hold my hand out to her. “You ready to do this?”

  “Let’s get this over with and go to bed.” I raise an eyebrow and smile at her. “Don’t get any ideas, big boy. You’re sleeping on the floor. Preferably in the closet.”

  With that, she leaves me standing in the kitchen to go greet my mother at the door. I hear the sound of my mother’s voice asking where I am and I figure it’s now or never. The sooner my mom tears into Liza and me, the sooner it’ll be over and we can get to bed. Preferably in my own bed with Liza tucked right into my arms.

  A guy can hope.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  “SIT,” MY MOTHER COMMANDS.

  Liza and I pull out stools next to the breakfast bar and take a seat. I watch my mother head toward the refrigerator, and I feel Liza tense next to me. We’re sitting close enough that our arms brush against each other. A jolt of energy shoots through my body.

  My mother starts rummaging through the refrigerator. She pulls out a tub of butter and a carton of eggs and sets them on the countertop next to her. Her petite frame moves like lightning through the kitchen. She heads into the pantry, comes out with an armful of who-knows-what and places it all on the counter next to the butter and eggs. Her cooking at ten at night isn’t a good thing. This only means we’re about to get the ass chewing I knew was coming.

  She starts sorting through everything on the counter, banging items around, and stops to look at us. “Chocolate chips?”

  “In the pantry,” Liza says softly without looking at her. “Second shelf along the left side.”

  She’s making cookies.

  I’ve never been more terrified of cookies.

  If she’s not humming while she’s making them, then it’s not good. And she’s not humming now. The banging of drawers and the rattling of utensils give me a pretty good idea how upset she is. My mother rubs her temples with her hands and brushes a strand of her gray hair out of her face.

  The sight of her gray hair makes me smile. For the longest time she colored her hair, because the gray made her feel older than she really is and she still has a long way to go before I can “get rid of her.” That is not anywhere on my agenda. I like to think of my mother as invincible. That I will be gone long before she is. I consider her a friend, and even though she gets on my nerves, I love her.

  I watch out the corner of my eye as she goes into the pantry. I grab Liza’s hand and give it a reassuring squeeze. She squeezes slightly in return before releasing it. Both her hands fall in her lap as my mother comes back into the kitchen with a bag of chocolate chips, places them on the breakfast bar in front of us, and goes to gather the rest of the ingredients she needs.

  She slams down a large mixing bowl in front of us and Liza lets out a soft yelp. I don’t think she was expecting that from my soft-hearted, good-natured mother. I see the corner of my mother’s lips curl up and shake my head. She’s achieving exactly what she is trying to do: she’s making Liza nervous. I’m not so easy to get to; I’ve grown up with the woman, and I know how she works. I’m not saying that I’m not shaken by this. I am. But I know what to expect, and I try not to let my fear show. That’s what she wants. I’m not going to give her the satisfaction.

  I watch silently as my mother begins to start measuring the ingredients. She glances at Liza who is fidgeting in her seat. “So…who wants to talk first?”

  Liza and I look at each other, neither of us willing to open our mouth.

  “Did the both of you forget how to speak all of a sudden?” She stares at me with her dark eyes. I can feel them stabbing into me, like daggers.

  “Fine!” She breaks an egg into the bowl. I question whether or not to ask her to make sure there are no shells in the mixture. But I don’t have a death wish. My mother looks at me again and chills run down my back. “Did you get her pregnant?”

  Liza gasps next to me and my jaw practically hits the counter. “What?” I exclaim. The thought of having kids with Liza makes my skin tingle. I want nothing more than to have a half a dozen kids with her, if not more. I want to come home and see the glow of her with my child growing inside. The sooner the better.

  “It’s the only reason I can think of for you two rushing to the altar instead waiting another two months,” my mother says. She looks over at Liza, who is as pale as a ghost, and smiles. “How far along are you, dear?”

  “I’m not pregnant.” Liza looks like she’s about to be sick. “I don’t even think I want kids.”

  Liza’s admission makes my heart stop. How can she not want kids? In all the time we have been together, she’s never told me this. We have talked about them countless times. This is something I never would’ve guessed. I’m completely heartbroken.

  Once upon a time, I didn’t want kids. But I also said I was never going to get married either. Everything has changed since Liza has come into my life. Not having kids is something I don’t think I can live without. I want a family and I don’t think I can give that up for anyone. Not even her.

  Maybe there’s still darkness in her that I don’t know about.

  My mother looks from Liza to me and I know she sees the pain in my face. “Oh dear…haven’t you even talked about children yet?”

  “Yes.” I answer right away. “I thought we were on the same page.”

  “You’ve talked about kids,” Liza explains. “I’ve just listened.”

  I take a deep breath and sigh. “You never once said anything about not wanting a family.”

  “I just don’t think I’m cut out to be a mother,” she says softly and looks away. “I didn’t have the best example growing up.” I see a tear stream down her face. “Neither of my parents were good.”

  “I…”

  “Liza, honey,” my mother says. “Look at me.”

  Liza looks at her and I see the pain she’s in.

  “Based on what you’ve shared with me, I know your parents weren’t good people. But t
hey don’t define who you would be as a mother.” She pushes the bowl aside and takes Liza’s hands. “Don’t let their mistakes direct your life. I feel like you’ll make an amazing mother. But this is something you two,” and she looks at me, “need to talk about before you get married. You need to be on the same page.”

  Another tear streams down Liza’s face, and I want to reach out and hold her. I remember how she pulled out of my hand a moment ago, and I know my touch wouldn’t be welcomed at the moment.

  “Thank God it hasn’t happened in that order,” my mother says as she resumes adding ingredients to the cookie batter. “I was going to beat you senseless if you knocked her up before you put a ring on her finger.” Her eyes are locked on mine. I know we haven’t gotten away scot free. She’s still pissed. She adds the chocolate chips into the mix and starts beating it with a wooden spoon. “So if you two aren’t having a child together, what’s the rush?”

  “We just can’t wait to get married.” Liza’s face reddens and she looks away. I know she doesn’t like lying to my mother but we really don’t have a choice.

  “Don’t give me that baloney.” My mother pulls the baking sheet out from the cabinet on the breakfast bar and slams it onto the counter. “You, my dear, left the other day and called off the wedding. And you.” She aims at me now, with acid dripping in her tone. “You are the reason she left. You’re going to honestly tell me that everything is okay and now you’re rushing to get married. I may be old, but it only means I’ve been around long enough to know when something’s not right. And this, dear children, is NOT right.”

  She pulls out an ice cream scoop, dips it into the batter, and drops it on the baking sheet.

  I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything more menacing.

  Liza tenses up next to me again. I move my hand to her, but I see her pull away as mother continues dropping batter onto the sheet. I try not to show my hurt from her reaction. I can’t hide the hurt on my face. Liza looks like she’s going to say something, but her eyes dart to my mother and she closes her mouth. I clench my fist and turn my attention back to my mother and wait for her to say something again.