Give Me Strength

by Kate McCarthy

  I stood up and pushed away. The cool air was a shock, blowing hair into my face. I pushed it away, tucking it behind my hair before hugging myself and meeting his eyes. “I don’t need you to be strong for me.”

  He nodded, the movement slow and careful. “Maybe you don’t,” he murmured. “But I need you. Every day I get up, tired from not sleeping, and I go to work and do what I do. Late at night I come home and go to bed for another sleepless night, and the whole time there’s a weight on my chest that’s so fucking heavy it leaves me feeling like I can’t breathe.” Wounded green eyes found their way to mine. “When I’ve got hold of you, somehow it doesn’t feel so heavy anymore.”

  My eyes filled and I turned away.

  Damn you, Travis.

  Damn you for having a chink in your armour like a battered knight—so worn down from being a goddamn hero that you’re turning to the one person not good enough for you.

  I drew a deep breath into my lungs, lifted my chin and met his eyes. “I can’t be what you need, Travis.” I hugged my arms tighter, trying to contain the hurt rising in my chest. “Inside of me…there’s too much damage. Someone gave me hope once, and it was beautiful. I’d never seen anything like it. It changed me from who I used to be.” I shook my head, a tear rolling down my cheek. I wiped it away, unable to look at him. “I used to give my body away to anyone who wanted it…and I didn’t care because for a fleeting moment I felt wanted. I was only sixteen and already taking drugs and alcohol to get me through each day. I wasn’t sure I’d live to see the end of high school,” I whispered. “But I thought acting out would somehow justify all the pain David inflicted.” My tear filled eyes finally rested on Travis. “How could I not see I was only hurting myself?”

  Travis was frozen, his jaw locked so tight I thought it would break.

  I took a step back. “I met Ethan at a party. It was obvious he didn’t belong there. He looked so…clean, both inside and out. It drew me in. I wanted to know what being clean felt like. Ethan had this quiet intensity—a confidence in himself and his future. He made me feel like I could have one of those. A future,” I added. “But he…he.” My voice pitched and Travis rose to stand, but I waved him back. “He died…” I choked out, “… and I wanted to die with him, but I couldn’t you see, because I was pregnant. My baby kept me alive and made me realise that I needed to leave. But David found me. He found where I lived and he was so angry. Beth left him. He…I thought it was Lucy at the door,” I explained, “so I called out for her to come in, the door was unlocked. The door was unlocked,” I enunciated. “David came in and he…” I took a deep breath. “He broke me—inside and out. I tried to fight, but I fell and he wouldn’t stop kicking me, and he killed my baby.”

  A sob escaped me.

  “Quinn,” Travis pleaded, his hands fisted so tightly his knuckles were white.

  “I’m not finished,” I told him and lifted my chin, bracing for the worst. “When I woke up in hospital, the doctors told me there was so much damage that I would never have children. I can’t have kids,” I said simply. “And after they told me, for a whole month I wished he’d killed me too, because I felt dead anyway. There were entire days I couldn’t get out of bed. It’s taken me years to get where I am now. Days upon days of pretending to be a normal person that sometimes I even convince myself. If I keep doing it, then maybe one day it’ll be true. Can you see now, why I can’t be what you need?” I looked at him. “I’m not whole.”

  Travis sat frozen, his face pale, and I died a little inside.

  The need to run, to find oblivion, rose within me.

  I moved swiftly inside, and finding my bag, I messaged Lucy. She’d be finished work soon, and in ten minutes I could disappear for a while. Finding the bathroom, I shut the door behind me. I flicked the shower on and stood in front of the mirror, seeing a stranger with pale skin and fear in her eyes—someone who didn’t know how to fight, only how to run. I might not know who she was, but even I could see she was missing pieces of herself. I tilted my head at the mirror. Maybe Travis might say that was okay, and just maybe it was for him. But it wasn’t for me. He didn’t deserve okay.

  The door swung open and I turned.

  Travis leaned up against the door frame, his eyes were pained and wet with tears.

  “I don’t know who I am, Travis.” I turned back to face the person in the mirror. “I don’t think I’ve ever known.”

  “I know who you are,” he said hoarsely.

  “Please tell me.”

  “You’re a survivor, and on the inside that makes you more beautiful than you could possibly imagine. Do you think I want perfect? No one is ever that. Perfect is for people who don’t know how to be real, and I don’t want any of that. I want you.”

  My eyes closed against the image in the mirror. “I’m not sure I’m able to give you me.”

  He flicked off the shower and came further into the bathroom, taking hold of my hands. He pulled them behind his back so I was holding on. Then he wrapped his arms around my shoulders. “I’m so sorry, Quinn,” he said thickly. “I want to kill him for what he did to you. What he took from you.” Travis closed his eyes briefly and swallowed. “People like that are nothing. They feed off the good in others because it makes them feel like something. You can’t let him win. You can’t let him take that from you anymore.”

  The phone rang.

  Travis ignored it.

  It rang again.

  “Shit,” he muttered. “Be back.”

  I followed him out, heard him murmuring something before he held the phone towards me. “Here. It’s for you.”

  Eyebrows raised, I took the phone. “Hello?”

  “Quinn, did you or did you not go to Mr. Chow’s for dinner?” came Evie’s voice.

  I sighed, thankful for the distraction of her voice, but I’d completely forgotten about her requested doggy bag.

  “Maybe,” I hedged.

  “What do you mean maybe? Everyone’s worried about you. Cooper was trying to tell me you were supposed to be back by midnight, and now I hear from Travis you’re not feeling well. Damn that Mr. Chow. I think he’s trying to kill off the entire female population.”

  “He is?”

  “It makes sense. He has the hots for the entire badass brigade.”

  Warm hands rested on my shoulders and my eyes closed at the touch.

  “Badass brigade?”

  “Yeah. I got so sick once that I had to get an anti-nausea injection to go on stage.”

  I heard Jared’s voice in the background. “Baby, that was not food poisoning from Mr. Chow’s.”

  “Oh yeah?” was her reply as one of those warm hands slid around my belly. There was a muffled crackle from the phone and she said, “You would defend him, Jared. You like it when he plays grabass.”

  My eyes widened. “Grabass?”

  “Pay attention, Quinn. You can’t just go waltzing in to that restaurant without expecting death glares. You have to—”

  Jared’s voice sounded closer when I heard him cut her off, calling out, “He’s not trying to kill you off, Quinn!”

  The other arm came around me until I was pulled into a hard chest. I let out a deep breath. “Quinn? You there?”

  Travis snatched the phone from my hand. He pressed the end call button and tossed it on the floor.

  I pushed away from the hold, and not looking at Travis, walked into the bedroom, grabbing for my clothes. I started sliding them on as he followed me in.

  I spared him a glance. “I should get going.”

  “No.”

  I paused and looked at him. “No?”

  He shook his head. “No.”

  “I can’t stay here,” I told him. Not now. I couldn’t stomach him knowing everything about me. Travis had been right when he’d told Evie on the phone that I wasn’t feeling well, because I felt sick.

  He folded his arms.

  “I want to leave.”

  “Is that what you really want?”

&n
bsp; My chin lifted as I finished dressing. “Yes.”

  Hurt flashed on his face before he shuttered his expression. “Okay, just give me a minute. I’ll drive you.”

  He stalked to the bathroom and shut the door.

  “No need to drive me,” I called out through the door as I grabbed my bag and slipped on my boots. “Lucy’s out the front waiting for me.”

  I shut the front door behind me.

  “Quinn!”

  I flew down the stairs and into the street, shivering in the cool, eerily quiet street. Lucy wasn’t there so I shrank back into the shadows.

  A hand slapped around my mouth and yanked me back further. My knees buckled in panic as I was locked around the waist with another arm.

  “Dammit,” came a hard male voice behind me. The hand loosened and I drew air into my lungs. My mouth opened, ready to scream but the hand tightened around my mouth again. “I have a gun. Don’t make me shoot you.”

  I whimpered, fighting to breathe.

  “Quinn?”

  The apartment door opened and Travis flew out of the building in just his jeans. He scanned the empty street. His muscled shoulders, covered by the eagle’s wings that made him look strong enough to carry anyone’s weight, slumped.

  “Move or make a single sound,” the voice hissed softly in my ear, “and I’ll shoot him.”

  My heart beat erratically as I nodded.

  Go inside, Travis. Please go inside.

  Instead, he pulled a phone from his pocket and dialled.

  “Mac.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “Quinn’s on her way home. Can you ring me when she gets there? Please?” After a pause, he said, “No, Lucy…I don’t know,” he said impatiently. “Just ring okay?”

  He ended the call and my stomach sank when he didn’t move, but simply dialled another number.

  The stranger’s breathing was harsh in my ear, and my nails dug into my palms.

  “Mitch, David’s still locked up, right?” He exhaled loudly as he listened to the other end. “Yes, I know I’ve already told you, but the second he’s out, let me know.”

  This time when he ended the call, his fingers hovered over the keypad, hesitating, and I knew he was trying to decide whether to ring me or not. I realised with horror that if he rang, he would know exactly where I stood and the man behind me would shoot. My body sagged with fear, the stranger’s arms the only thing holding me upright.

  Travis shook his head and shoved the phone in his back pocket. A single tear trickled down my cheek as he did a final scan of the street and disappeared back inside.

  “Good girl.”

  My eyes closed with relief.

  “Now you’re gonna listen to what I’m telling you and you’re not to speak. Just nod your head that you understand. Okay?”

  I lifted my right leg and slammed the heel down hard on his foot. As he grunted with pain, I fought to break free, but he didn’t budge his hold.

  “Asrghoe,” I grunted against his mouth.

  “Did you just call me an asshole? I told you not to speak,” he puffed in my ear.

  My breath came in bursts and praying my boots made me tall enough to hit my mark, I drew my head forward and then slammed it back as hard as I could.

  “Fuck,” he growled. His arms loosened from around me, but the bright burst of pain in the back of my head had my knees giving out. My palms came out to brace my fall and the harsh concrete cut into the skin of my hands and knees. Scrambling to my feet, my hair was grabbed in a fist, and I was yanked upwards. I blinked back tears, my heart racing in fear.

  “Here’s the deal,” he growled in my ear. I nodded so he would know I was listening. “David owes us money and that’s not good because that means we in turn owe money. There’s a chain you see, and David lives at the bottom. You have a good idea of what David’s like, so you can imagine the type of man that lives at the top. We’re told you’re the one that had him put away. Not only that, it seems you know people in high places. That now makes his debt yours.” Then he named a sum that left me reeling. “You’ve got two weeks before I find you again.”

  Lucy’s beat up car squealed to a stop out the front and I could see her looking for me. She got out of the car. “Quinn?”

  “See you get the money and keep your mouth shut about it or your friend here, or even your fuck buddy upstairs, are gonna bleed.”

  He shoved me away and my forehead smacked hard into the brick wall. I bit down on my lip to stop the moan of pain. My hand came away from my forehead bloody, and I turned to face my attacker. My eyes strained down the dark alley alongside the building, but I couldn’t see anything, just inky blackness and silence.

  I pushed weakly from the wall and peered up into the light blazing from the loft. For a brief moment I remembered the feel of Travis wrapped around me, the sound of his low breathing and curve of his lips when he smiled because soon, too soon, I would have nothing.

  ***

  “Let’s go,” I murmured, sliding into the passenger seat of Lucy’s car. I was careful to avert my face. Lucy was like a bloodhound when it came to sniffing out trouble.

  “Uh uh.” She tapped the steering wheel impatiently. “I want answers.”

  I faced her full on, all sense of calm rationality disappearing in favour of panic. “Just plant your fucking foot.”

  She blanched and as though my bloodied forehead was like a green flag, her foot hit the pedal, and we screamed out of the street.

  “Quinn, this isn’t fair. You attract violence like flies on shit. What happened? Did Travis hurt you? I swear to God, I’m turning this car around right the fuck now.”

  “See you get the money and keep your mouth shut about it or your friend here, or even your fuck buddy upstairs, are gonna bleed.”

  My jaw ached with the effort of pulling myself together. “Nothing happened. I tripped on the stairs, okay?”

  Lucy glanced at me. “And face planted?”

  “Yes,” I replied, both annoyed and relieved when a laugh bubbled out of her.

  Lucy screeched the car to a stop at a red light, and I jerked forward, pulled up short from the seatbelt and slammed back in my seat. “Okay then. What about Travis?”

  My stomach rolled at hearing his name.

  “Quinn, tell me about Travis or when we get back I’ll sit on you until you do.”

  I had absolutely no doubt that Lucy would attempt it. I struggled to find where to start. “He held my hand in the movies.”

  At the green light, she accelerated wildly, taking her eyes off the road to offer me a look of mock horror. “He didn’t! The bastard. I’ll kill him.”

  “Lucy,” I said weakly. “He knows.”

  “Knows what?”

  I waved my hand, opening the glove box for a tissue. Pulling down the visor, I eyed the mess on my forehead and wondered how I’d manage to hide it. “Everything.”

  Lucy’s mouth fell open.

  “Close your mouth before you catch flies.”

  “Oh, Quinn,” she said, weariness deep in her voice. “And then you ran.”

  I nodded as I wiped the blood away, wincing when it stung. “And then I ran.” Slumping back in my seat, I did my best to wipe at the scrapes on my hands. “Actually, I’m thinking that maybe it’s time I moved. Made a change or something.”

  “A change?”

  “Yeah, you know, maybe a move to the country or something.” My eyes focused out the window and my reflection taunted me.

  “The country? You want to move to what—west bumblefuck? David won’t find you where you are. You’re not leaving.” Her voice was firm but I could hear the panic in her voice.

  “It’s just an option,” I hedged.

  “Option, schmoption. Who do you think you are—Daniel Boone?”

  “Who’s Daniel Boone?”

  Lucy glanced over her shoulder before cutting across three lanes in quick succession. “Never mind who he is, just…don’t do anything or go anywhere without talking to me first. Promise m
e.”

  My eyes fell on the best friend I’d ever had—the one person who had seen me at my worst, walked me through it, and came out the other side holding my hand—and I lied. “Promise.”

  “Quinn, what are you doing?”

  Flustered, I minimised my internet search engine window of country maps and called up the diary. “Working.”

  I smiled up at Mac from my desk to put her off the scent and heard her indrawn breath. “What happened to your face?”

  At the reminder, the pain on my forehead throbbed dully. My hand came up to cover it, and I forced a sheepish chuckle. “Oh. That? I uh, scraped it on the um, driveway.”

  Her lips pressed flat, suppressing a smile. “Did it leap out at you and smack you in the face?” She went a little pale. “Oh shit. I didn’t mean—”

  I cut her off. “Pretty much.”

  “Right. Coffee. Then you can tell me about your date last night.”

  She left and I rubbed at my eyes. I hadn’t slept—at all. My mind had raced over every possible scenario but the problem was, there were no scenarios. The simple fact was that if I left, Lucy and Travis, or anyone else for that matter, wouldn’t get hurt. I’d move somewhere cold. They wouldn’t expect that. Fleeing people in the movies always made the mistake of disappearing to some warm tropical island. Newsflash—that was always the first place the bad guys looked.

  “Quinn?”

  “Huh?”

  I blinked back into focus and found Travis in the doorway. My heart lifted at the sight of him. “Travis?”

  “You’ve been staring at the wall for over a minute.” He frowned. “What happened to your face?”

  “I fell,” I told the desk after averting my eyes.

  Travis came and stood in my space. He crouched down and cupped my face, examining the injury. “When?”

  “Is that important?” I could feel his breath on my face, and I wanted him so much. Sheer agony speared through me, and I closed my eyes against the force. His touch on my forehead was gentle, and I jerked my head back. “It’s just a graze. What are you doing here?”