Losing Grip

by Mercy Amare

Me: And you think I’m going to give you the “dirty detes”?

  Drew: Ooooooh. So something dirty happened?

  Me: I guess you’ll never know ;)

  Drew: So. Cruel. You break my heart, Bae.

  Me: Sorry <3

  Drew:
  I don’t bother replying to his text.

  It’s really nobody’s business what happened today. Which is obviously nothing.

  Well, just Sebastian being the sweetest guy, ever.

  He might just be the best friend I’ve ever had.

  My phone vibrates again.

  “Wow, you’re popular tonight,” Hope says.

  I laugh. “It’s just Drew and Sebastian.”

  I look at my phone and see that it’s neither of them. It’s an email from my dad.

  Jinger,

  I spoke with Caleb’s therapist. He agrees that it would be beneficial to the both of you if you were able to speak more. So, starting next Friday, Caleb will be calling once a week at 8PM for ten minutes. This is a probationary thing. If it sets Caleb’s progress back or slows it down, the calls will be cut back to once a month.

  I just wanted to let you know that I am proud of you. I feel like being at New Haven Academy has already been a good thing for you. It seems like you like it there.

  I know sometimes it may seem like I don’t care, but I do. You and Caleb are the most important people in my life and everything I do is for the two of you.

  I love you.

  Dad.

  I smile at the email, for once feeling like my dad is actually proud of me.

  I lock my phone, turn off my lamp, and instantly fall asleep.

  Thursday, September 12

  I don’t want a broken heart.

  I slept nine hours last night.

  Nine, glorious, restful hours.

  When I wake up, I’m surprised there is light coming through the window. I didn’t have one bad dream, which is a first for me.

  I get out of bed, get a quick shower and head to breakfast. I’m not tired, so I skip the coffee. I just grab a bottle of water and a breakfast sandwich.

  “You look very rested,” Sebastian says as I sit down.

  “I am,” I tell him. “I slept a full nine hours last night. I fell asleep at eight and didn’t wake up until a little after five. I’ve never slept that much at once, like, ever. It was amazing.”

  “Oh, my God,” Drew says dramatically as he takes a seat across from Sebastian and me. “The school has already chosen a new dean.”

  “I guess the school needs a dean,” I say, shrugging my shoulders.

  “Yeah, but like, give us time to mourn,” he says.

  “So, who is it?” Drew asks.

  “I don’t know him. But I do know that he was the guy in charge of the school charities, scholarships, and stuff like that,” he says.

  “Oh, Marcus Taylor,” Isaac says. “He’s really nice. He helped me get a scholarship.”

  “Cool,” Drew says. “I was worried they’d get some old dude to replace Dean Tolken. The last thing we need is somebody in here, trying to get into all our business. Can you imagine if they actually checked all our dorms after curfew to make sure we were there?”

  “I don’t think there has been one time that you haven’t broken curfew,” Sebastian says to Drew.

  He laughs. “Hell, yeah. I got a life. A life that doesn’t stop at 10 p.m. for bed time.”

  I turn to Drew and cross my arms over my chest, trying to look angry. “Are you cheating on me already?”

  His mouth falls open. “Umm...”

  “You told me I was your bae. Before anyone else.” I smile to let him know I’m joking. “Who are you sneaking out to see? Because it definitely hasn’t been me.”

  “I think I like the you that sleeps,” Drew says.

  “I second that,” Isaac says. “So, tomorrow, we’re leaving at five. We will go check into our hotel, and get ready for the club. We’ll arrive there around eight, and I go on at nine.”

  I’m actually excited.

  Obviously sneaking into a club when you’re sixteen years old can get you into a lot of trouble, but I think that’s what makes it so much fun. And the fact that I’m doing it with friends makes it better. I actually have friends.

  I really should thank my dad for sending me here against my will.

  “I’ll have your fake ID tomorrow,” Drew says.

  A very sleepy-looking Hope sits down at the table. She looks at me. “Did you know that you snore?”

  “I do not,” I protest.

  “I’m kidding,” she says. “You don’t. I just stayed up too late working on a design, and I just wanted to blame it on you. Dude, you were sleeping so heavy. I was walking to the bathroom and stubbed my toe on my desk. I pretty much screamed for a few seconds. You never even stirred.”

  “I guess I was tired.”

  My phone buzzes on the table, so I pick it up and see a text from Brody.

  Brody Johsnon: Want to hang out tomorrow night?

  I look up and see him sitting at his table across the cafeteria. He waves at me. I wave back and look down at my phone.

  Me: Sorry, I already have plans.

  Plus, Brody hasn’t talked to me since Tuesday morning.

  Not since he told me he was going to “make me fall in love with him.” So far, he hasn’t done a very good job.

  I look up at him as he reads the text. He frowns, says something to Colton, and starts walking towards our table.

  “Jinger,” he says, standing beside me.

  I look up at his face. “Hey.”

  “Can I talk to you?”

  I don’t know why, but I look at Sebastian before I respond to Brody.

  Sebastian is frowning.

  I look back up at Brody. “Ugh, sure.”

  I say a quick goodbye to everybody and then follow him out of the dining hall. We stop outside and I lean my back against the brick wall.

  “What’s up?” I ask.

  “You already have plans?” he pouts.

  I nod.

  “With Sebastian?” he asks, not in a friendly tone.

  I nod. “Not just Sebastian. Isaac, Drew and Hope will be there as well.”

  “What are you doing?”

  “Not that it’s any of your business,” I say, narrowing my eyes. “But, Isaac is DJ’ing at a club in Boston on Friday night. We are going to go watch him, hang out and have fun. It’ll be too late to come back, so we are staying in a hotel. We will probably sleep in Saturday, hang out in Boston for a while, then come back. Or maybe we will stay another night if we feel like it. My dad gave me permission to be gone all weekend.”

  Brody puts his hand on the brick wall beside me. “When will you have time for me?”

  “I don’t know,” I say, shrugging. “Maybe you should’ve asked me out sooner.”

  “Obviously,” he says. “What about tonight?”

  “I have a book report due in British lit tomorrow, so I’ve got to work on that,” I tell him.

  “How long will that take you?” he asks.

  “Maybe half an hour at the most. I already wrote it. I just need to look over it and polish it up a bit.”

  “Can we hang out after you do that?”

  “I guess.”

  “You don’t sound very excited.”

  “I guess I’m not,” I say. “You haven’t talked to me in two days. I thought maybe you changed your mind about wanting to be my friend.”

  He runs his free hand through his hair and sighs. “I suck at this.”

  “At what?”

  “Relationships. Trying to get a girl to fall in love with me.”

  I push myself off the brick wall. “Well, it would help if you actually talked to me. And if you asked me out before I had plans with my friends.”

  “I’m sorry,” he says, frowning.

  I shrug. “I’m going back inside to finish breakfast. I’ll see you tonight.”

  “See you tonight,” he promises.
>
  Though, really, I won’t hold my breath. I’m sure he will conveniently forget and then blame it on “sucking with girls”.

  I know guys like Brody Johnson. My brother is one. He is a player. He thinks he can compliment me, and try to suck up to me, and that I will just fall into bed with him.

  He’s wrong.

  Soon enough, he will realize that. And when he does, I don’t want a broken heart.

  12 p.m.

  Do you like Brody?

  This morning, the new dean, Marcus Taylor, stopped by class to say hi. A lot of the kids knew him already, but I didn’t. They all seemed to like him and he had a lot of energy, so I guess he won’t be bad. Though, it’s such a tragedy that Dean Tolken was murdered, I’m glad he has a good replacement.

  Later on, in Spanish, the girl sitting next to me gave me the lowdown.

  Marcus Taylor is young, only twenty eight. He is the youngest dean that we’ve ever had. His wife, Lauren Taylor, is pregnant with their first child. He went to school here, as did his parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents. It’s obvious the school has always been a big part of his life.

  I also found out that Brody Johnson supposedly hooked up with Nicole Wright last night, which I’m not sure if I believe. But I guess he was seen coming out of Nicole’s room. Either way, I don’t think I care. Or, that’s what I’m telling myself.

  The most important thing I figured out though is the girl in Spanish likes to gossip. I don’t even know her name. She’s never asked for my name either, though I suspect she already knows. I definitely won’t make the mistake of starting a conversation with her again.

  I grab an energy drink and sit down at the table.

  My earlier energy is now gone and I’m tired. I blame Mr. Brown, my British lit teacher. He talks in a monotone voice that is very boring. I really thought it was going to be one of my favorite classes, but definitely not with him as my teacher.

  “Where is your food?” Sebastian asks.

  Sebastian, Drew and Isaac are already at the table.

  Hope is skipping lunch to work on one of her sketches. She texted me earlier to tell me. She is obsessed with finishing it. I admire her enthusiasm.

  “I’m not hungry,” I tell him.

  “You can’t just skip lunch,” he says. “That’s so bad for you.”

  “It’s really not a big deal. I do it all the time.”

  “You are so frustrating, sometimes,” Sebastian says.

  “I know,” I say, frowning. I’m still not used to somebody being there to care about me.

  I mean, Caleb cares. He always has. But he has a whole life outside of me. We hardly ever ate together; not enough for him to notice that I wasn’t eating.

  Speaking of Caleb—one week from tomorrow I get to talk to him again. It’s going to be nice only having to wait a week between conversations instead of a whole month. I am so glad that Dad agreed to it.

  “Let’s skip the dining hall tonight,” Isaac says to me. “All of us can go into town and grab something.”

  “I can’t,” I tell him. “I am going to hang out with Brody tonight.”

  Sebastian’s head jerks up.

  I look at him, and see that he looks furious. He is frowning and his hand is making a tight fist on top of the table.

  “Seriously, Jinger?” he asks.

  “What?”

  “The guy hasn’t talked to you since Tuesday.”

  “I know,” I say. “But it’s not like he’s a boyfriend. He’s a friend. We don’t have to talk every day.”

  Sebastian stands up abruptly. “I just remembered I have something to do.”

  He grabs his tray full of food, dumps it in the trash, and stalks out of the dining all.

  Great.

  I fully managed to piss off the best friend I’ve ever had.

  And I know he’s right. Maybe I should’ve told Brody no. But I can’t seem to. When he looks at me with his caramel-colored eyes, I can’t seem to control my mouth. I know that Brody isn’t the type of guy I should have a crush on. My brain knows that. But then I get around him and all common sense goes out the window.

  “He just worries about you,” Drew says. “He has a legit reason not to like Brody. Really, it’s a miracle he’s as nice as he is.”

  “Do you like Brody?” I ask.

  Drew shakes his head. “Hell, no. I can’t stand that arrogant a—.”

  I cut him off. “Am I seeing something different than the rest of you?”

  “Ask Sebastian to tell you why he hates Brody.”

  “I have. He said something lame about lacrosse,” I say.

  “Ask him again,” Drew insists.

  I nod. “Okay. I’ll talk to him this weekend.”

  Because, I am not breaking my plans with Brody. Not yet.

  “How long will Sebastian be mad at me?” I ask Drew.

  He shrugs. “Hard to tell with him. He doesn’t generally get mad. But when he does, it’s for a legit reason.”

  I sigh and get up from the table. “I’m just going to head to Spanish early.”

  “Later, Bae,” Drew says, waving a finger.

  “See you tomorrow,” Isaac says.

  I walk out of the dining hall feeling like crap.

  6 p.m.

  Boys suck.

  I am sitting on my bed in my dorm room.

  Waiting.

  Brody was supposed to be here thirty minutes ago, but he’s late. Or maybe he ditched me. I don’t know. But my heart feels heavy, and I want to cry. Which makes me feel like a pathetic loser.

  It also reminds me why I shouldn’t crush on a guy like Brody. Because he will crush me. He will break my heart. And the last thing I need is a broken heart.

  Hope is sitting on her bed with a needle in hand. She’s sewing the dress she’s been sketching for days. She says that I can’t see the sketch. She says that I have to wait to see the dress. And I’m excited to see it. I have a feeling she’s good at what she does.

  I mean, really, how many sixteen year olds get an internship at Teen Vogue? It’s kind of a big deal.

  She looks up at me. “He still hasn’t called or texted you?”

  I shake my head.

  “Text him.”

  I shake my head again. “No. I don’t want him to think I’m sitting here waiting for him.”

  Because that makes me look pathetic. And even though I am sitting here waiting for him, he doesn’t need to know that.

  “I’m still team Sebastian,” she says.

  I roll my eyes. “This isn’t some movie. This is real life. And I’m not dating either of them.”

  “Yeah, but you like Brody. And Sebastian likes you. And Brody... well, who knows what he likes,” she says, shaking her head. “I will admit, you’ve got some crazy lust going on with Brody, but it’s all just attraction. Lust. But Sebastian, he’s protective of you.”

  “Like a big brother,” I add.

  She laughs. “He does not look at you the way a brother looks at his sister.”

  I open my mouth, then shut it.

  I was going to ask her how he looks at me, but I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of my curiosity.

  “Sebastian is my friend. Period.”

  “Okay, then. Prove me wrong,” she says, grinning big. She thinks she will be right, but she’s not.

  I didn’t come here to fall in love.

  I didn’t come here to get a boyfriend.

  I didn’t come here to make friends.

  I was forced to come here.

  Okay, maybe it’s partly my fault. I did get kicked out of my last school. And I nearly gave my father a stress induced heart attack. But I did what I had to for my family. I would do it again, if I had to.

  Hopefully I won’t have to.

  My phone vibrates.

  Brody Johnson: Hey. I’m not feeling well. Think we can postpone?

  I want to yell at him.

  I want to ask him why he didn’t tell me thirty minutes ago when he
was supposed to meet me.

  But I don’t.

  Me: K

  I hate when people text ‘K’. It’s so vague. But at this point, I want Brody to know that I’m mad without actually telling him.

  And I am so disappointed. Then I feel stupid for being disappointed.

  Sebastian was so right. How am I ever going to face him again? I stood up for Brody.

  Brody.

  A guy I barely knew.

  Not that I knew Sebastian that much better, but Sebastian is my friend. I should have listened to him.

  Just another twist of fate that definitely did not end in my favor.

  I push the thought out of my head and just focus on the positive. Like Caleb. My new friends. And the fact that my dad has actually been nice to me the last few days. Things are changing and I’m definitely not going to let some guy I just met change that.

  One thing is for sure, though.

  Boys fucking suck.

  7 p.m.

  Genetically altered spider.

  Hope and I are sitting back to back on the floor of our dorm room. We each have a cell phone in one hand and a shoe in the other. We’ve been in this position for about five minutes now.

  “Maybe it’s gone,” she says, hopeful.

  “No.” I shake my head. “It wants us to think it’s gone. The second we drop our guard, it will crawl out. This time, it will probably bring its whole family with it.”

  She laughs. “Oh, my God, Jinger. We are so pathetic. I can’t believe we’re doing all of this because of a spider.”

  “Did you see how big that thing was?” I ask. “That was not a normal spider. It was a genetically altered spider. No spider should be that big.”

  She nods her head in agreement.

  “Why don’t you just call one of your friends. Certainly they will... come get the spider,” I suggest.