Losing Grip

by Mercy Amare

  “So, are you ever going to tell me what the deal is with the two of you?” I ask. “Why do you hate each other so much?”

  “Not tonight,” he says. “I’d rather think about happy things right now.”

  I can’t help but feel a little rejected at his reply.

  “Hey...” he cups my chin with his hand and guides my face until I’m looking at him. “I’m not brushing you off, I promise. I’ll talk to you about it, but not right now. What happened... it’s really hard for me to talk about.”

  “Okay,” I say, licking my lips.

  Sebastian looks at my lips. He let’s go of my face and takes a step back. “You’re really pretty.”

  “Thanks?” It comes out as more of a question.

  Maybe it’s cliché girl thing to say, but I don’t think I’m pretty. And it’s not just my scars. It’s me.

  I’m too skinny.

  My dark brown hair is always messy.

  My eyes are ordinary hazel.

  Sebastian is a very attractive guy. His hair is so dark it almost looks black, and his eyes are the same color. His hair is always messy too, but it’s in an intentional kind of way. And he’s the perfect weight for his height. He is strong, but he’s not overly muscly. He’s definitely the kind of guy who would not have trouble getting any girl he wants.

  “We have got to work on your lack of confidence,” he says. “Just trust me when I say you’re beautiful.”

  “Beauty is an opinion, not a fact.”

  “Your beauty is a fact,” he counters.

  I can’t help it. I grin. “Are you this smooth with all the girls?”

  He laughs. “I’m not smooth with girls. That’s Drew. I’m just along for the ride.”

  I open my mouth to say something when I hear a high-pitched scream. Everybody falls silent, looking for who was screaming. Finally, I see why. A blonde girl is on the ground. It’s obvious she tripped over something.

  Actually, somebody.

  When I look close, I see that there is a dead body lying on the ground, half in the lake and half on the shore.

  A loud mummer breaks out among the crowd, and a few other people start screaming.

  Sebastian pulls my hand. “Jinger, come on. We have to get back to the dorm.”

  “We can’t just leave when there is a dead body here,” I protest.

  “You do if you don’t want to get in trouble,” he says. “Come on.”

  He pulls again and this time I follow him.

  My feet and legs feel numb, but we follow the huge crowd back to the dorms.

  I had no idea who that was, but I can’t get the image of the body lying on the ground out of my head.

  I knew I shouldn’t have gone that close to the lake.

  Tuesday, September 10

  I’ll make you fall in love with me.

  I could hardly sleep last night. My dreams were full of dead bodies and water.

  As if I needed another reason to be scared of water.

  At five in the morning, I decide to just get up and go for a walk at the track. When I get out there, Brody is running. He doesn’t have his shirt on, and I have to admit I like the view. When he sees me, he stops running and falls in step beside me.

  “Hey,” he says.

  “Hey,” I say back.

  “Last night was crazy.”

  “Do we know whose body it is?” I ask.

  “I don’t know. Everybody left, and we made an anonymous tip to the cops,” he answers. “None of us are really supposed to know about it. I figure the school will have some kind of announcement though.”

  “Won’t they know there was a party last night?” I ask.

  “Yeah, but how are they going to know who was there? They won’t,” he says. “They’ll probably monitor that area, which sucks. I guess we have to find a new place to party now.”

  “I’m not really into partying anyway. I just went to hang out.”

  “Speaking of, what is the deal with you and Cruz? You looked pretty cozy last night.”

  “Sebastian is my friend.”

  “And what about that other kid? Watson... umm... Drew, I think?”

  “Drew is just a friend too,” I tell him.

  “You seemed cozy with him, too.”

  I roll my eyes. “Are you going to accuse me to being cozy with all of my guy friends?”

  “Maybe I’m jealous,” he says.

  “You don’t have any reason to be jealous. Besides, you and are only friends, too.”

  “Yeah, but you know I want more than just friendship.”

  “And you know that I don’t.”

  “I’ll change your mind,” he says. “I will make you fall in love with me, Jinger Rivera.”

  Brody doesn’t give me a chance to respond. He just takes off running around the track.

  And I might just be grinning a little bit.

  Or a lot.

  8 a.m.

  Safety.

  The school pulls everybody out of their first period class for an assembly.

  First, they tell us that a body was found last night, which most of us already knew. But then, they tell us who is was.

  It was the body of the dean, Dean Tolken.

  Then they tell us the scary part.

  He was murdered—shot in the back of the head.

  Then they go on to tell us how we are safe at school. That the police are doing everything they can to find the murderer. That they will be amping up security until the person is found.

  But then they mention the field. How it looked like people had been partying. And that if they found anybody out of their dorm after curfew, they would be expelled from the school. No exceptions. Usually the punishment isn’t so severe, but they want everybody safe.

  The school is also contacting all of our parents to tell them what happened. That worries me. My dad is over obsessive about my safety. What if he hears this and decides to pull me out of this school?

  They tell us that they have brought in extra counselors for anybody who needs to talk about their grief. It seems as though Dean Tolken was a loved man in this school, and he will definitely be missed.

  Then we are sent to our class, as if nothing ever happened. And I have to pretend like I hadn’t seen a dead body last night.

  Unfortunately, it wasn’t the first dead body I’ve seen, but hopefully it is the last.

  Wednesday, September 11

  Sleep.

  After my second night of little sleep, I feel like a walking zombie.

  I mean, I’m used to hardly getting any sleep, but this is getting ridiculous. I think I slept two hours last night. My body is exhausted, but my mind will not stop thinking. Replaying all the bad stuff I’ve seen.

  “Are you okay?” Isaac asks me, as I sit down at the breakfast table.

  I take a sip of the coffee in my hand. “No.”

  Sebastian stands up and hold his hand out for me. “Come on, Jinger.”

  I am too tired to protest. I just grab his hand and let him lead me out of the dining hall.

  “Where are we going?” I ask, when he keeps going once we get outside.

  “To your dorm,” he answers.

  “Why?”

  “Because you are exhausted. There is no way you can go to class like that,” Sebastian says.

  I don’t say anything, because I know he’s right. I let him lead me up the stairs to my room. He opens the door and pulls me inside. I watch as he searches through my drawers. He pulls out a pair of shorts and a baggy band t-shirt and hands it to me.

  “Put this on,” he says, and then turns away so I can change my clothes.

  I change, not bothering to pick up the clothes I just took off. I usually wouldn’t do that. I hate having a messy room.

  “You can look now,” I say.

  Sebastian walks over to my bed, turns the covers down, and I climb in. He picks up my clothes off the floor, carefully folding them over the back of my desk chair. After, he climbs onto the bed beside me. I sc
oot over to accommodate.

  “Tell me what’s wrong, Jinger,” he says.

  “Nothing.”

  “Don’t lie.”

  I sigh. “It just... bothers me. Seeing that dead body Monday night.”

  “That’s understandable.”

  “And it’s not just seeing the body,” I say. “I mean, I hardly even saw it. It was from a distance. But it was... in the water.”

  “You don’t like water.”

  I shake my head.

  “Why?” he asks.

  I shake my head again, because I’m not quite ready to answer that question yet.

  “You should sleep,” he says.

  “I can’t.”

  “What if I stayed here with you? Would that help?” he asks.

  I shrug. “Maybe.”

  Sebastian holds out his arm and I rest my head on his chest. He wraps his arm around me.

  This feels nice.

  I listen to the steady rhythm of his heart, and within seconds I am out.

  1 p.m.

  I don’t mind sharing.

  I sleep better than I have in a long time.

  And when I wake up, Sebastian has his arms wrapped around me.

  Then I hear something vibrating. I look over and see my phone on the nightstand beside my bed. I see “Father” flash across the screen, so I quickly hop out of bed, waking up Sebastian in the process.

  “Hey, Dad,” I say, so Sebastian will know not to say anything.

  “Are you okay?” Dad asks.

  “Um, yeah. I’m fine.”

  “Why weren’t you at school today?”

  “I didn’t sleep good the last couple of nights,” I answer. “So I stayed in my dorm and slept.”

  “It’s the third day of school.”

  “I know. And I’m sorry. It’s just...” my voice trails off.

  “The school told me. About the dean of the school,” he says.

  “His body was found in the water.”

  I hear my dad sigh. “Is that why you can’t sleep?”

  “Yeah. I keep... having nightmares. About that day.”

  “I thought you were doing better,” he says. “I’m going to find a good therapist you can go to.”

  “Dad, I don’t need any more therapy. If anything, I need to be able to talk to Caleb more.”

  “Jinger...” his voice trails off.

  “Dad, don’t give me anymore crap. Caleb is my brother and I need him. It’s not like he’s going to get me hooked on drugs over the phone,” I say. “Besides, it doesn’t just help me. It helps him, too. I miss him.”

  “I’ll talk to his therapist,” he says.

  “Thank you, Dad.”

  “I’ve also been talking to his therapist about a home visit for Thanksgiving. We think that it might be a good idea. For just a couple of days,” Dad says. “Well, not really home, home. His therapist says he needs to be away from his old friends here in The Hamptons. So I was thinking that we could go somewhere. Maybe we could go to Greece this year.”

  “Greece would be cool,” I say. “I want to go back to Mykonos or maybe we could go to Santorini again. That was a lot of fun.”

  Well, you know... if you ignore the fact that my mom only came for two days of the fourteen day vacation. And if you ignore the fact that my dad spent seventy-five percent of his time on his computer and cellphone.

  “Sure, Jinger. Anything you want.”

  “Do you think you could not bring your laptop?” I ask. “I mean, it’s not a whole week. It’s just like three or four days.”

  “I have to work,” he says.

  “Not on Thanksgiving. Please, Dad,” I say, pouting even though he can’t see.

  He sighs. “Fine. I’ll think about it.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Why is it so hard to say no to you?” he asks.

  “I’m persuasive.”

  “You’re spoiled,” he says, in a joking tone. I don’t take it offensively.

  “I’m so not spoiled. If I was, my credit card bill would be a lot higher every month.”

  “True. You’re pretty low maintenance. Last month you spent less than one thousand dollars,” he says. “Maybe you should talk to your mom. Give her some pointers.”

  “Whatever. You love buying stuff for her.”

  “I do. And I love buying stuff for you too,” he says. “You can get whatever you want, you know.”

  “Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’ll try to spend more money this month.”

  He laughs. “I have to get to a meeting, so I have to go.”

  “Oh,” I say, trying to keep the disappointment out of my voice. “I’ll talk to you later, Dad.”

  “Bye,” he says, and the line goes dead.

  I set my phone back down on the bedside table.

  “Sorry I woke you,” I tell Sebastian, taking a seat on the bed.

  “It’s okay,” he says. “I can’t believe we slept that long.”

  “Me, neither. I can’t remember a time I’ve slept more than four hours at once. Maybe you should come sleep with me every night.”

  Sebastian grins.

  And my face warms up as I realize what I just said.

  “You know what I meant,” I say.

  “I still like it,” he says.

  I smack his arm playfully.

  “I can’t believe your dad told you to spend more money.”

  I shrug. “I’m low maintenance. I have a credit card with no limit, and I hardly ever buy anything. I guess he wants to do more for me. You know, buy my love.”

  “At least he loves you,” Sebastian says. “I haven’t heard from my dad since Christmas. I only hear from him on Christmas and my birthday.”

  “When is your birthday?” I ask.

  “Actually, nine days from now. September nineteenth.”

  “Awesome! I’m going to buy you a present.”

  “You don’t need to buy me a present,” he says.

  “You heard my dad. He wants me to spend more money,” I say. “Besides, I want to buy you something.”

  Well, I can now say with certainty that Sebastian is not my friend just because of who my dad is. Not that I thought he was.

  I trust Sebastian completely, which kind of scares me. I’ve known him six days.

  “You’re a really nice person,” he says.

  “Because I’m buying you a birthday present?”

  “No. Just because you’re you.”

  Gah.

  Oh, my gosh, he’s so sweet.

  That, or he wants to have sex with me.

  No, not Sebastian. If this were Drew, then I’d think, yes. But with Sebastian, I think he’s just genuinely a good guy.

  Sebastian pulls his phone out of the pocket of his jeans.

  “I have seven text messages from Drew,” he says, laughing.

  “What do they say?” I ask.

  Sebastian’s smile fades. “Nothing.”

  I grab his phone and read them.

  Drew: You and Jinger sure have been gone for a long time.

  What are you doing?

  Hmm... neither of you are at school...

  If you’re having sex with my bae, I’m going to be mad.

  Must be good sex.

  Lunch and you’re still not here.

  She must be AH-MAZING in bed.

  As I’m holding his phone, it goes off again.

  Drew: I don’t mind sharing.

  “Ew!” I hand his phone back and then grab my own.

  Me: Sorry, Drew. So NOT interested in being “shared”.

  Drew Watson: I was only kidding, Bae. Chill.

  I roll my eyes.

  “Sorry about that,” Sebastian says.

  I shrug. “I know he’s only joking.”

  “You want to go get some food?” he asks. “I have lacrosse practice after school and I can’t miss.”

  “Sure. I have to be at the newspaper anyway.”

  “I’m going to be in so much trouble for dit
ching today,” he says.

  “Surprisingly, my dad didn’t care that I ditched, once I explained why.”

  “Lucky you. I will not only be in trouble with my parents, but with the school too.”

  “Why the school?” I ask.

  “Well, your dad is Preston Rivera. But my parents... well, they will tell the school to punish me for ditching. Which they will do,” he says.

  “Want my dad to cover for you?”

  Sebastian looks at me. “Can he even do that?”

  I shrug, and text my dad.

  Me: Hey. My friend, Sebastian, skipped school to hang out with me. His parents are kind of strict. Think you can smooth it out with the school for him?

  Father: Give me five minutes.

  I show Sebastian the text.

  “He likes to make up for his non-existence by getting me out of trouble and buying me things,” I say.

  “I seriously love your dad right now,” he says.

  Me too.

  Surprisingly.

  8 p.m.

  The best friend I’ve ever had.

  I’m getting ready for bed when I get a text.

  Sebastian: Your dad is AWESOME. Not only did I not get in trouble with the school, but he somehow managed to get my parents NOT to punish me.

  Me: Glad you didn’t get in trouble. :) If you had gotten in trouble, it would’ve been MY fault. You skipped for me.

  Sebastian: You’re worth getting in trouble for.

  Me: <3

  I plug my phone up to the charger and climb into bed. I’m surprisingly tired, especially considering I slept most of the day.

  My phone vibrates with another text, but it’s not Sebastian.

  Drew: So... Sebastian is being vague and not telling me what you did today.