Losing Grip

by Mercy Amare

  “He literally begged. On his knees,” Sebastian says. “I almost felt bad for him. Until I remembered that I hate him.”

  It’s weird hearing the word hate come from Sebastian’s lips. He doesn’t seem like he is even capable of the emotion. But, I have to admit, if I was Sebastian, I’d hate Brody too. Right now, I’m not too fond of the guy either.

  I glance over at Brody’s table and our eyes meet for a few seconds.

  I hate the way my heart reacts to him.

  I blame it on his gorgeous eyes.

  He looks angry, then looks away.

  Why do the cute ones always have to be such jerks?

  Monday, September 16

  Give me the dirty details.

  On Monday, after yearbook is over, Bryce walks with me to the school newspaper room. When I first met him, I really didn’t think I would like him, but he’s sort of growing on me. He makes all these jokes in yearbook and pretty much keeps everybody laughing through the whole class. He actually reminds me of Drew, only he’s less perverted. Now that I know him better, I can definitely see us becoming friends.

  “I read the sample text that you turned in for the school paper,” Bryce says to me. “You are a very captivating writer.”

  “Thanks,” I say, truly meaning it. “I want to do well. I mean, I’m a junior just starting school here, so I have a lot of catching up to do as far as clubs go.”

  “Well, I’m pretty sure Perez is going to give you fun stuff to write about,” he says.

  “I hope so.”

  “So, I couldn’t help but notice that Brody Johnson has a black eye,” Bryce says. “I also happen to know that Sebastian Cruz gave him that black eye. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you.”

  “I might,” I say, shrugging. “But, really, I think what happened just pushed Sebastian over the edge. He’s been looking for an excuse for a long time. I guess I finally gave him a good enough reason to.”

  “So, are you dating both of them?” Bryce asks.

  I shake my head. “Neither. Sebastian is one of my best friends. And Brody... well, he and I had a shot of being friends, but he ruined it.”

  “I heard that you and Sebastian were more than friends.”

  I laugh. “Bryce, I swear you gossip more than a girl.”

  “I’m a reporter. It’s what I do.”

  “Well, your sources are wrong. Sebastian and I have never done anything. Neither have Brody and I.”

  “Come on, Rivera. Give me the dirty details. It’s off the record, I promise.”

  “I don’t believe you for one second,” I say. “You’re talking to me right now and I guarantee if I told you the truth, you wouldn’t even wait until we were done with our meeting to tell somebody else. Also, my name is Jinger. Not Rivera.”

  “You wound me,” Bryce says dramatically, putting his hands over his heart.

  I roll my eyes, but laugh.

  “I have something to ask you,” Bryce says, his voice suddenly getting serious. “Is your roommate single?”

  “Hope?” I ask.

  He nods.

  “Um... She’s single,” I say. “But she just came out of a summer fling, and I kind of don’t think she’s over the guy yet.”

  “I could help heal her broken heart,” he says. “Can you put in a good word for me?”

  “Sure,” I say. “Hey, are you coming to the soccer game on Wednesday?”

  “Yes.”

  “Come sit with us,” I tell him as we walk through the door.

  “I don’t know,” he says, warily.

  “Come on. Don’t tell me that Bryce Adams is scared to talk to girls.”

  “Maybe.”

  “Just come sit by me,” I say. “It won’t be awkward, I promise. My friends are nice.”

  “Fine,” he says. “I’ll see you then.”

  We both take our seats as Colton brings the meeting to a start.

  An hour later, the meeting has come to a close. Everybody has their assignment, except for me. Colton asks me to stay behind, so I do.

  “What’s up?” I ask him.

  “I have an article I’d like you to write, if you’re interested,” he says.

  “What is it?”

  “I hope you don’t think it’s lame, but I want you to write about the negative effects of over sharing on social media,” he says. “I know, the story has been done over and over, but since everything came out about Miss Godbernson—”

  “Miss Godberson?” I ask.

  “She is... was... the French teacher. She was let go earlier today because of some... videos she did back in college.”

  “Oh, my God.”

  “Yeah,” he says. “It’s kind of sad. She was kind of hot. Anyway, the dean won’t let us put anything in the paper about it, so, I figured this was our work around. I guess he wants to keep the school paper classy. Whatever. Maybe if we could report without being censored, people would actually read the paper.”

  An idea hits me.

  “You know that nobody these days reads papers,” I say.

  He nods. “Yeah, I know.”

  “So why not take the paper online? We can go green. Set up a website, maybe even an app. If people could read the stories right on their iPhones or iPads, maybe they would actually read it,” I say.

  “You’re right,” he says. “I’ll set up a meeting with the dean. You and I are going to go have a talk with him.”

  “Me? Why?”

  “It was your idea. Just... text me a list of bullet points we need to go over when we’re in there. We can brain storm together.”

  “Okay,” I say. “I don’t have your number.”

  “Give me your phone.”

  I hand him my phone, he types something in and hands it back to me. He pulls out his own phone.

  “Got it,” he says. “Now, there was something else I wanted to talk to you about.”

  “Okay.”

  “Brody.”

  “No,” I say. “I just... would rather not talk about him.”

  “Brody is my best friend,” Colton says. “And I know why he has a black eye. He deserves it. But you should know, the night he sent those texts, he was wasted. Heart-broken over you, because he thought you were hooking up with Sebastian.”

  “Well, I wasn’t. And he should’ve known that.”

  “Probably,” he says. “I mean, the second he told me, I knew it wasn’t true.”

  “How?” I ask.

  “I don’t know. You just... have this innocence about you,” he says. “But Brody... he’s not good with girls. Or relationships.”

  “Obviously.”

  “He said that he told you about Sadie.”

  I nod.

  “So you understand why he has issues, right?”

  I nod again. “But I also heard Sebastian’s side of the story.”

  “Brody was a high school sophomore. He wasn’t ready for a monogamous relationship. He did the right thing by breaking up with Sadie,” Colton says, defending his friend.

  “I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I was looking for a friend,” I tell him. “Brody just proved to me that he wasn’t ready for either. So, unless you have something non-Brody related to say, this conversation is over.”

  “Fine,” Colton says, sighing. “I need your paper by Wednesday.”

  “Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  4 p.m.

  Boy drama.

  When I get back to my dorm room, Hope is sitting on her bed with headphones in her ears. She has books spread out, and for once, she’s actually studying. I hardly ever see her without a sketchpad or a needle in her hand, so this is weird.

  She sees me watching her and takes out one of her earbuds.

  “I have a paper due tomorrow morning. Well, technically, it was due this morning, but thankfully, my teacher forgot to take it up,” she says, shrugging. “I’m a procrastinator.”

  I just laugh and shake my head.

  “So what’s up w
ith you?” she asks.

  I sigh and flop on my bed. “You know, the usual. Boy drama.”

  “That is why I am done with guys. G...” her voice drops off. She quickly says, “Guys suck.”

  “Amen,” I agree.

  “So why do boys suck today?” she asks.

  I laugh. “I guess there is a new reason every day. Today, Colton had to tell me how heartbroken Brody is, because of me. Which is a laugh, because just a couple of nights ago he was basically calling me a slut and saying he didn’t want to be my friend. And he hasn’t texted me since. It doesn’t sound like he’s brokenhearted.”

  “It sounds to me like he wants to get laid,” Hope says. “Seriously, forget him.”

  “I’m working on it,” I say, then sigh. “Maybe I should be a lesbian.”

  “Why do you say that?” she asks, sounding honestly curious.

  “I don’t know. Girl’s just seem... less trouble than a guy. At least I can relate to girls,” I say. “What do you say, Hope? Want to be a lesbian with me?”

  She laughs. “Sorry, Jinger. You’re not my type.”

  “What is your type?” I ask.

  “I like blondes,” she says. “Plus, you’re too skinny. I like a girl with curves. Not fat, but a girl who knows how to take care of her body.”

  “You’ve given this a lot of thought.”

  “Hello, fresh broken heart,” she says. “Besides, women have beautiful bodies. I’m an artist. I notice these things.”

  “I guess you’re right,” I say. “But guys have beautiful bodies too.”

  “Meaning Brody?” she asks.

  I shrug. “I was actually thinking about Sebastian. He has those strong arms from playing lacrosse. I loved dancing with him Friday night. I felt... safe in his arms. Like I belonged there. Which is crazy, I know. But I liked it.”

  “Are you sure you’re not crushing on Sebastian?”

  I shake my head. “No way. Sebastian and I are just friends.”

  “How do you feel about Brody?” she asks.

  “I feel... confused,” I answer. “I don’t like Brody as a person so far. I mean, he’s nice, when he wants to be, but he’s mostly been mean to me. But he’s gorgeous. I love his eyes. And when I’m around him, I always seem to forget why I don’t like him. But then as soon as I’m away from him, I remember that he sucks.”

  “That’s what bad boys do,” she says. “By the way, what you’re feeling is lust. It’s easy to confuse the feeling for something more.”

  “How do you know when you’re in love?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve been in love, but I’ve never found the one, you know?” she says. “I’m thinking, when I find the one, they will make me forget about every other person I thought I was in love with.”

  “That sounds nice.”

  “Yeah, it does,” she agrees. “Hey, Jinger. I want to tell you something. About me. That not many people know. Definitely nobody at school here.”

  I sit up and look at Hope.

  She looks nervous.

  “What is it?” I ask.

  She licks her lips. “Never mind.”

  “Never mind?”

  “I just... changed my mind,” she says. “I’m not... ready to tell you yet.”

  “Okay,” I tell her. “I understand.”

  Because I do.

  I’m not ready to tell her about my scars.

  I’m not ready to tell her about my sister.

  And I’m definitely not ready to tell her why I’m here.

  But someday, I will.

  Tuesday, September 17

  Date crash.

  Colton and I are sitting outside of the dean’s office. We are supposed to meet with him in five minutes, and I can’t help but feel a little nervous. Colton assures me that he will do all of the speaking. Thank God. I don’t think I could handle it if I had to speak.

  “I don’t understand why I have to be here,” I tell him.

  “Because it was your idea,” he says. “I want you to have full credit.”

  “I don’t care about credit. Really. I am okay with flying under the radar and not standing out,” I say. “Plus, I really, really hate being watched.”

  “Just chill. I already told you I’m doing all the talking. All you have to do is smile and look pretty. Maybe say something about how it’s important for our school to go green and all that. You got this.”

  “I got this,” I repeat, like a mantra. But I’m really thinking, I so don’t have this.

  My phone vibrates, so I pull it out and read the text. Mostly, so it will help get my mind off of what’s about to go down.

  Sebastian: Do you want to go off campus tonight and grab dinner? I want tacos.

  Me: Definitely! I’m with Colton Perez. We’re about to meet with the dean about my “going green” idea for the paper. I’m a nervous wreck, so once it’s done, I will want to celebrate surviving it.

  Sebastian: You will be awesome. Just pretend you’re talking to me and not the dean.

  Me: Thanks. I think I’ll try that :)

  “Who you texting?” Colton asks.

  I put my phone back inside my pocket and look at Colton. “I swear; you and Bryce are so nosey.”

  “I work for the school newspaper. Of course I’m nosey,” he says. “Now, stop trying to avoid the question.”

  “I’m not avoiding. I am talking to Sebastian. It’s not a secret. He’s my friend.”

  “So, you’re going out with him tonight?” Colton asks.

  “You were reading over my shoulder?”

  “Yep.”

  I roll my eyes. “Then you know I’m going with him tonight to get tacos. It’s not a date. We just... like Mexican food. You’re welcome to come with us.”

  Though, I’d rather Colton not come.

  There is something I want to talk to Sebastian about tonight, and I can’t do that if Colton is there.

  “Naw, I’m good,” Colton says. “I’d rather not date crash.”

  “It’s not a date.”

  “Keep telling yourself that.”

  The door opens and the secretary tells us that the dean will see us now. We follow her to the door and then Colton opens it. He motions me to walk in first, followed by him. He shakes the dean’s hand, and I follow lead.

  “Dean Taylor, you look good behind that desk,” Colton tells him.

  He smiles sadly at Colton. “Not as good as Dean Tolken.”

  “He will be missed,” Colton says. “But they truly couldn’t have picked a better replacement.”

  “Thank you, Colton,” he says, then looks at me. “I don’t believe we have had the pleasure of meeting.”

  “She’s Jinger Rivera.”

  “Right. This is your first year at New Haven. How are you liking it?”

  “I love it,” I tell him. “It’s a great school, and I’ve already made a lot of friends.”

  I’m surprised that all nerves are gone. Marcus Taylor definitely makes me feel right at home, even more so than Dean Tolken did. This school certainly knows how to pick out great leadership.

  “The reason we are here is actually because of Jinger,” Colton says.

  I grin. “It was just a suggestion. Colton was the one who gave the idea legs.”

  “I’d love to hear your idea,” Dean Taylor says.

  “Well, right now we are printing off about four hundred and fifty copies of the school newspaper,” I say, running with the number Colton gave me earlier. “We are wasting so much paper, and for what? The fact is, most students just wad up the paper and toss it.”

  “I’m listening,” he says, relaxing back in his chair.

  “I am betting that a lot more students would read the newspaper if we put it online,” I say. “I’ve got a lot of web design experience. And we were going to talk with the computer club, see if they could help us set up an app so students could view it on their mobile devices. So the cost is minimal.”

  “Plus,” Colton says, “parents could view it
then, too.”

  “And how much would this cost?” Dean Taylor asks.

  Colton throws out a number.

  Dean Taylor rubs his hand on his chin. “That cheap?”

  Colton and I both nod.

  I’m holding my breath, waiting for his response.

  The nerd in me is really excited about setting up the website.

  “When could you have it up and running?” he asks.

  “The website I could have up within two weeks,” I answer.

  “I talked to the computer club president, Jason. He says that they can have it up and running for Apple, Android, and Windows within a month,” Colton says.

  Dean Taylor nods his head and smiles. “All right, you’ve got yourself a deal. Come see me in two weeks, when the website is up.”

  “Of course,” Colton and I both agree.

  We shake his hand and then leave his office. The second we’re outside the building I let out a squeal and Colton knuckle bumps me.

  “Rivera, we’ve got a lot of work to do,” Colton says.

  “Yeah, we do,” I say. “But I can do a lot in my down time. I’ll email you all of my design ideas and you can tell me what you think.”

  “All right,” he says. “I’ll see you tomorrow. I can’t wait to tell all the staff.”

  “Me, too!”

  He starts to walk towards the dorms, but then turns back to me. “Hey, I thought you were going to let me do all the talking?”

  “I was, but Dean Taylor made me feel very comfortable,” I say, shrugging my shoulders.

  “Well, confidence looks good on you.”

  “Thanks.”

  We both head towards our dorms.

  And maybe I skip a little.

  It was a great meeting.

  6 p.m.

  I think you’re pretty freaking awesome.

  I slip on my favorite pair of hot pink skinny jeans, a band t-shirt, and a pair of black Vans to meet Sebastian.

  Hope eyes my outfit choice and frowns at me. “Where are you going?”