THE TROUBLE WITH KISSING YOU

by Gen Phan

  "Sit." He pointed at the couch and McKenzie and I awkwardly sat down. I'd never seen my dad like this before, he looked worked up.

  I watched him curiously as he paced up and down the room. "I probably should have had this discussion with you two ages ago...." He stopped and put his hands on his hips, he looked down at us and shook his head. I cringed. He looked emotional and I felt terrible. I hated upsetting him like this.

  "Do you know what I would give to have my sibling again?" My dad asked, his voice quivering slightly. My father had lost his brother to cancer when he was a teenager. I had only seen pictures of him and heard the stories, but from what I had gathered, the two had been very close and my dad had never really been the same after that.

  "I would give anything to have a brother again and look at you two. Do you know how lucky you are?"

  I didn't feel very lucky now. On the contrary.

  "You two used to be so close. Don't you remember that? Don't you remember how you used to spend house playing together. Hours! You even had your own special language that no one else could understand. Remember? No one knew what you were saying, only you guys did. Remember how the two of you wouldn't sleep in separate beds for years. You always wanted to be with each other.... " He paused and looked at us for the longest time. "And now look at you. Just throwing it away!"

  I shifted uncomfortably. I had forgotten all that. The language that we'd made up, which allowed us to talk to each other anywhere without anyone understanding. I shot a tiny glance to my side at exactly the same time as McKenzie. Ours eyes met for a second and we both pulled away.

  "And over what... a boy?" My dads gaze came to rest on me and a massive wave of embarrassment made me shift again. My dad moved closer and kneeled on the floor in front of me. His face changed and he looked softer now.

  "A boy that hasn't noticed for ten years Maria... "

  I couldn't stop the tears and my dad gripped my hand. "You are worth more than that! The right boy would notice you in seconds Maria." Out of the corner of my eye it looked like McKenzie was trying to move towards me, but then stopped herself.

  "You wanted to travel the world once, to see it all. Don't throw it away. And don't throw your relationship with your sister away over this either." He got up swiftly and marched to the door before turning around. he held his hand out.

  "Phones. Give them to me." He clicked his fingers impatiently.

  We both obeyed and handed them over.

  "Now, you two are going to stay in here until you sort this out." He exited and the locked clicked.

  McKenzie and I were alone. Locked in a room together.

  Mike.

  I climbed the tree and sat in my usual spot. Maria was everywhere. The carvings we'd made on the tree together over the years, and there was even a small piece of blue wool stuck to a twig, from the time she'd ripped her cardigan on it.

  I thought back to the day that I found out my parents were getting divorce, how she'd bunked school to come looking for me, and how we'd sat together for what felt like hours. We hadn't said a word, but I had felt so comforted.

  I traced my fingers over one of the carvings.

  C & S

  Best friends eva

  We'd carved that when we were just . I remember that day too. We'd thought about slicing our palms and doing that whole, "sealed in blood friendship thing" but we'd both chickened out and decided just to spit and shake on it.

  In fact, if I think back over the last ten years of my life, there's barely a memory that doesn't involve Maria. She had always been there for me.

  I was trying to wrap my head around it all. What had just happened? I started to trace back the sequence of events. She'd known who kissed me from the start; from the day we had sat here and chewed all that gum together. She'd listened to me for hours as I spoke about trying to find her, and there she was, in front of me this whole time. The party I had organized at Brett's house – she'd known. She must have been messaging me while I was right there. Literally, behind my back. And how the hell had McKenzie gotten involved? Pretending to by the MMK was one thing. It was almost something I could forgive. In a way, it was almost amusing to think about. But what really hurt right now was the lie about her parents getting divorced. She'd used that lie to manipulate my feelings, even if she'd been trying to make me feel better.

  If I thought about it with a little distance... sure, maybe she'd done it for the right reasons. But something about it just hurt so badly. The divorce was so raw and painful that the idea that someone- my best friend- would make up an elaborate lie about 'her' divorce. It felt patronizing somehow. Almost mocking. Making light of it. Pretending. Lying.

  That was the part that really got to me.

  I kicked a small branch off the tree with my foot. And then another, it felt good to break the little branches and listen to them snap. There was something quite soothing about being destructive right now.

  But what the hell was I meant to do now?

  I'd almost had her in my grasp, and without realizing it, she had been what I wanted for a long time... and now what? She was gone? We were over?

  God! I grabbed my head between my hands. I was so fucked up right now. I wasn't even thinking straight. This had been the craziest, most eventful, the best and the worse three weeks of my entire life. A massive turning point. Massive!

  My phone beeped and I reached into my pocket, it was Brett.

  Brett: Don't tell me ur fucking up all my hard work!

  Mike: Did you know it was her?

  Brett: Does it really matter if it was her?

  Mike: YES! She lied to me. She put me through hell.

  Brett: AND U DON'T THINK YOU'VE PUT HER THROUGH HELL?

  I stared at the message and his words hit home. I had put her through hell for so many years.

  Brett: Get over yourself Mike Matthews!! Go home. Have a shower, u probably stink and sleep on it. I think things will be clearer in the morning. P.s I'm gonna start charging u for relationship advice.

  At the mere suggestion of it, I lifted my arm and sniffed. I did stink. In fact, I was thirsty and my calves were in agony and I had a stitch in my side, probably exacerbated by the sprint here. I hadn't really noticed all that until now. The only bodily organ I'd been thinking about for the last hour was my heart. And that was in a lot more pain than my calves.

  I jumped out of the tree and started walking home. I wondered whether I should message Maria or not. Maybe I should just take Brett's advice. I probably couldn't think straight on a dehydrated brain anyway- and I was acutely aware of my exhaustion now. I was fucked after all those matches. My walking felt totally laboured, each step like a chore.

  "Don't fucking talk to me again. Just don't."

  That's what I'd said to her. The words rang in my head as I continued to walk. I started to feel like one of those guys trekking through the hot desert walking towards a mirage thinking it was water. Hoping for an oasis and shaded palms. I started to feel a little delirious actually. Faint even. I just needed to make it home.

  But I didn't really want to go home. I wanted to go to Maria's and throw myself on her bed and sleep there, knowing that she was there, busy on her computer- planning her world trips- or just sitting there reading a book. A tennis metaphor popped to mind, how apt.

  The ball is in your court.

  Except I wasn't sure whose court it was in. Maria's or mine. The more I walked the less pissed off with her I felt. I wondered how she felt. I'd never spoken to her like that before, never sworn at her. God, this was all just such a mess. And who knows what was going on with her and McKenzie right now.

  I picked up speed, even though my body could barely take it and headed straight for her house, totally disregarding Brett's advice. I didn't know what I was going to say to her. I just wanted to see her. Tell her that I loved her...

  It was agony climbing the trellis and I almost lost my footing twice. I squirmed my way into the window and came face-to-face with Mr. Glover.

>   "Hey, um... I was just..." I stuttered feeling very intimidated as he stood up and looked at me.

  "I know what you're doing. You do this almost everyday. Do you really think we don't know you're playing video games here at : at night?"

  "UH...." I wanted to throw myself out of the window and run for my life. I was sure I was going to be dragged out by him. But for some reason, I didn't understand, he didn't look angry.

  "Sit down Mike."

  "What?" Awkward.

  He gestured for me to sit at Maria's desk, so I obeyed.

  "Where's Maria." I asked, starting to feel nervous at the sudden formality of this event.

  "She's unavailable right now. And probably will be for a while."

  "Is she..."

  He cut me off, "She's fine. Sort –of."

  "Good!" I replied.

  "We've never really had a chance to talk to each other, have we? Mano e Mano?"

  "Sorry what?"

  "Man to man Mike. Man to man."

  I swallowed. This didn't sound good. At all.

  "What do you want to talk about?" I asked tentatively. I was starting to perspire.

  "I have a request. A simple one. I've never asked you for anything before, have I?" He sounded so calm and business like, it was eerie. No wonder he was a good businessman, he had the most intimidating presence and he was not the kind of guy you could say no to.

  "Sure."

  He paused and looked at his watch. "Okay, it's Friday : pm now."

  He looked up at me as if I was meant to know where this was going. I didn't.

  "Please don't contact my daughter until next week this time."

  "What? I shot out of my seat. "But that's a week away, and besides, I'll see her at school."

  "No you won't Mike. It seems that Maria has been suspended for a week."

  "What? How?"

  "I'm sure you can call your other cronie Brett and he will fill you in." he stood up and walked towards me, I wanted to take a step back. He extended his hand for me to shake.

  "Deal?"

  I stared at his hand, not sure what to do. "Can I ask why first?"

  "Because my daughter deserves a little break. And quite frankly, so do you. You can resume your friendship next week Friday, no problem."

  This sounded so strange. What break did Maria need? A break from me?

  I extended my hand tentatively and shook it, but as I tried to pull away he gripped it harder. "I take hand shakes very seriously Mike. Do not disappoint me."

  I nodded and so did he.

  "You're a good guy Mike, I've always liked you, and I was really sorry to hear about your parents."

  I shrugged. "It's life I guess."

  "Life." He echoed and patted me on the shoulder before turning and walking out the room.

  WTF was that? I was stunned. This was just another weird event to add to the weird weeks I had been having. I climbed out of Maria's window and walked towards my house, still trying to wrap my head around what had just happened.

  I hoped Maria was okay?

  Maria

  What's that thing people say about silence being deafening? Not only is it deafening, but it's also palpable. It almost had a taste, or maybe that way the blood I was tasting from were I bit my own lip while launching myself at Maria. The two of us sat upright on the couch looking straight ahead, not daring to move and certainly to not make eye contact.

  Tick, tick, tick...

  All I could hear was the second hand of the huge grandfather clock killing time. Murdering it one second at a time. I wanted to murder someone right now..... I felt very murderous.

  I was still seething. Only this time it was a silent, internal seethe. It was actually the more dangerous kind, because this time it was calculating. I was thinking about everything. Every last thing that McKenzie had ever done to me. I was racking my brain for her Achilles heel, where could I hurt her that would have the most effect?

  Throwing myself into a physical fight with her was child's play; I was in it for so much more than getting a few slaps in now. I was in it for proper revenge. I wanted to make her feel like I did right now.

  I heard the fabric of the couch ripple a little and out of the corner of my eye I saw her cross her legs. She was wearing a short pastel pink skirt, she had the smoothest longest legs I'd ever seen. They were always tanned, even in winter. They were always shiny, like she rubbed glitter on them every morning. The skirt was attached to some tight shirt- obvs (as she would say) Long blonde hair, so shiny it was like a mirror. She basically shined! Lips and lashes like a Kardashian- which may or may not be fake.

  Her hands clenched in her lap and she began wringing her hands together. Anxiety? So unlike her. She was probably just warming them up for another bitch slap session. Her muscles tensed and I looked back up to her face, a small tear escaped her eye and rolled down her cheek.

  "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" I screamed, jumping out of the seat. "You're crying. YOU! What the hell do you have to cry about?"

  I kicked a cushion across the floor, just because I felt like doing it. It was also probably the only thing stopping me from kicking her shin with my 'muscular manly thighs.'

  "I didn't want things to land up like this." McKenzie wailed and then burst into tears. Sobbing tears. I backed away, almost frightened by this very uncharacteristic show of emotion. I didn't know whether to believe it, or whether this was another one of her manipulative Oscar worthy performances. She continued to sob. Quite frankly, I felt disturbed. I didn't trust this. She continued to sob, her shoulders shook.

  "I mean it!" She cried out again. I was stunned. She was either a great actress, or those snot bubbles coming out of her nose as she sobbed hysterically were real! "I really, really didn't want this to happen!"

  "Well what the fuck did you think was going to happen when you did it?" I wasn't ready for communal twin sobbing, I still wanted my explanation.

  "You're as blind as him, you know that." She looked up at me. Her face was ugly and smeared with black mascara. She looked horrendous, like a Halloween version of herself.

  I shook my head. "Blind? Can you be a little more cryptic please!"

  "BLIND!" She screamed the word at me. "You were my best friend! You were my everything. I looked up to you so much... my big sister, even if it is only by two minutes. Didn't you see that? And then one day some asshole guy moves in across the road and you dump me. Just like that!" She started to sob again and my mouth fell open. "For ten years I've been trying to get your attention. It's totally pathetic I know. I've done anything to get you to talk to me, look at me even. Even if we're fighting it's better than nothing, at least you can see I exist!"

  I took a step back, as if her words had knocked me off my feet. Her sobbing tapered off and she hung her head.

  "You've been as blind as Mike this whole time."

  Stunned. Floored. Like a rock to my stomach. I didn't know what to say and just froze in total stupor.

  "But I didn't mean it to go this far... I swear." She whimpered softly and an unfamiliar part of me wanted to reach out and comfort her. That shocked me. Had I really done what she'd said?

  I remember when we were younger, she was always trying to play with Mike and I. Mike and I would tease her because she couldn't climb the tree, or run as fast as us. She was so girly. We were climbing trees and making secret forts, while she was wearing frilly pink dresses.

  It felt like someone snapped an elastic band insider my brain. She was right. I'd done that. I'd dumped my best friend, my twin sister for him. For Mike. All her bitchiness, it was all to get my attention.

  I looked down at McKenzie, she was nervously fingering the hem of her skirt like a small child that couldn't sit still might do. She looked so vulnerable. All her walls were down. The cold façade that she worn like a badge. She looked like that little girl that I played with all those years ago.

  My heart broke.

  I had abandoned her. For Mike.

  Was he really worth all
that?

  Maria

  I had this strange desire to sit next to her. I don't think the two of us had sat like that in years. Maybe when watching TV together on the couch, but then we would mainly spend the time fighting over which channel to watch. She wanted MTV or TLC or something like that, I wanted the History Channel or a show about people who hauled crocodiles up from the swamps! Not her style.

  "Um...I..." I started the sentence with no real intention, or plan as to where it was going. What the hell was I supposed to say to all this anyway? But McKenzie looked up expectantly, clearly she was waiting for me to make a statement. Say something.

  "You what?" She said, whipping a tear from her face.

  I what exactly! Exactly what? "I guess I also never meant for it to go so far."

  "And...?" McKenzie prompted me more.

  "Shit! I don't know." I sounded frustrated, and I was aware that this was probably not the reaction she wanted. "I mean... I knew from the moment I did the whole "mystery mint kisser" thing I was in shit. In fact, I knew from the moment I kissed him. It's all just such a mess and now Mike says... he says..."

  "Says what?" She asked, looking concerned.

  "Says he loves me! Okay. After all this time... he loves me." I bit my lip. Despite McKenzie's show of emotion, I did not feel comfortable enough right now to be vulnerable in front of her. Especially when it came to Mike.

  "I think he's always loved you." She whispered. "I mean, who wouldn't?"

  "Huh?" My sister's words confused me instantly.

  "Maria, you've always been..." She paused and started wringing her hands together. "Always been the cool one. The smart one, and I've always wanted to..."

  She paused again. What was this? What was going on?

  "You don't give a shit what people think about you. What mom says and thinks. You say what's on your mind, you stand up for yourself, even when we were younger, the boys were scared of you because no one messed with Maria Glover. Everyone knew that. And I'm... whatever. Whatever Maria. I feel like I'm pouring my guts out to you and you're saying nothing, so whatever."