Callous

by Xavier Neal

  When my eyes look up to see Maxx staring at me she asks, “So where’s my ice cream?”

  Drives me crazy. Still love her.

  “You’re not getting any ice cream from me,” I sigh.

  After a long hard look, she sits up and readjusts her back so it’s against the pillows. “He finally told you.”

  Wait. She knew?

  “You knew?!” My voice pierces my own ears.

  “I wasn’t allowed to say anything—”

  “You’re not his best friend, Maxx! You’re mine! Your obligation is to me! My side! Defend me!”

  “It wasn’t that easy, Erin.”

  “That sounds like bullsh—”

  “He got us the Kid.” The response shuts my mouth. “C.J. got us the Kid. Apparently when Logan talked to him about the Kid, he offered to help. He let us know what it was he did for a living before he started bartending and offered to help get us custody of the Kid. The only condition he had was Logan wasn’t allowed to let his secret out. I found out when Logan asked me to ride with him to get the Kid from his old man and sign the papers. C.J. asked me to promise the same thing. I didn’t keep this because I wanted to, Erin. I did it because I had to. It’s the least we could do for what he did for us.”

  Feeling more betrayal building on my shoulders, I shake my head slowly. “You know how much I hate lawyers.”

  “I do. And I also know C.J. isn’t like that.”

  “They’re all like that, Maxx.”

  “Your father wasn’t.”

  “Don’t bring my dad into this,” I sharply point at her. “No he wasn’t a lying cheating bastard, but he was selfish. He put his job before mom more and more. His cases, his inability to pass them up got him killed!”

  “No Erin, a malfunction got him killed,” she argues and I feel a knot swell in my throat. “Accidents happen. Accept it. And accept the fact that he loved you with everything in him and would’ve given it all up for you. For your brother! For your mom! Just like C.J. would.”

  “I have to go,” I swiftly turn on my heels not prepared to deal with this, any of this.

  Or you. So just...keep your mouth shut.

  I take the long drive home extending what is typically a twenty to twenty-five minute trip to well over an hour. The entire ride alone with the music blaring loudly doesn’t leave much room for my thoughts to invade.

  Opening the front door, I’m slightly surprised to see Logan, Luke, and Dean at the kitchen table with textbooks opened. Confused I slowly approach them. “You do know that it is Friday night, right?”

  Dean looks up and smiles brightly, “Yeah. But the deal was if we finished my project tonight Uncle Luke or Dad would take me driving in the morning to collect my permit hours.” He wiggles his eyebrows. “Then I’ve got a date with one very leggy dance captain.”

  I roll my eyes and shake my head before turning to Logan. “Give up on looking for your wife?”

  “No, but I have exhausted all nooks and crannies I know. I was going to track her GPS—”

  “Which only mildly sounds like a stalker,” Luke adds.

  “But Tony said she turned it off. Then he told me he could hack to turn it back on—”

  Perks of having a computer wiz in the fam.

  “But when he did, it turns out she left it at her Aunt and Uncle’s house. I went by to double check to make sure they weren’t lying to me.”

  “Trust no one,” Dean says in a deep villain voice before laughing to himself.

  “You’re a nerd,” I state to him.

  “Both of my parents are nerds; what do you expect?”

  Logan quickly argues, “I’m not a nerd.”

  “Really? So when we went down to the comic book store so you could grab the latest issue of—”

  Logan’s hand flies over the Kid’s mouth. “Shut it unless you want that date with the leggy dance captain to be supervised.” Dean clamps his lips together and Logan looks up at me. “Have you heard from her?”

  “I know where she is.” Pulling out the key card to her room I hand it to him. “Walburg. 12th floor. Room 612. Take chocolate chip ice cream.”

  Luke leans back in his seat. “Did you just sell out your best friend?”

  I give him a shrug and look back at Logan. “When you get there, before you start groveling, tell her Erin says now we’re even.”

  “Even for what?” Logan asks but I don’t answer.

  Leaving them at the table I exit and lock myself in my room. My head immediately hits the back of the door as tears start to fill my eyes.

  It’s over. Everything. I don’t have to deal with this shit. It’s simple. I’ll just put the mask back on.

  Chapter 18

  C.J.

  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’ve spent the entire week trying to talk to Erin. I’ve called her. I left her voice mails and texted her. I expected to see her at my last shift yesterday but Frank said she called in not feeling well. Shy of showing up at her door, I have no other options to get to her. And yes that’s exactly where I am now, so don’t judge me. I’m out of time. More importantly I’m out of my goddamn mind without her.

  Kellar opens the door and immediately looks confused.

  Does he just wake up that way?

  “What the fuck are you doing here this early?”

  “Kellar it’s 2:00 in the afternoon. What do you mean this early?”

  “Is it really?” he sounds even more lost. On a giant yawn he says, “Well shit...my bad. Guess I napped longer than I thought.”

  He heads back in the house letting me trail behind him. “Why are you napping at all?”

  “Got back late last night from a prize fight a couple cities over. Saw how comfortable Maxx looked in bed and fell asleep on the couch instead. Didn’t wanna wake her ya know?”

  “Still walking on egg shells?”

  “I’d walk on glass to make that woman happy,” he responds flopping down on the couch. “If you’re looking for Erin, she’s in her room.”

  So he doesn’t know. Huh. Either she’s forgiven me or worse. She doesn’t even consider our relationship being something that matters in her life to mention it doesn’t exist anymore.

  I give him one more look as he stretches out in front of the T.V. Slowly I make my way over to Erin’s door and give it a gentle knock. When she opens it, she immediately slams it in my face.

  My hands brace themselves on the outside of the door frame, “Can we talk?” She doesn’t answer. “Fine, I’ll talk. Look Erin, I know you’re still pissed about what happened. I can’t apologize any more than I already have. I really am sorry I didn’t tell you everything up front. I....I was partially ashamed of what I did. I mean what kind of guy leaves a girl at the altar on their wedding day? And then I was afraid you would run once you knew what I used to do for a living and you did. I’ll give you all the space in the world to deal with this, to cope with whatever it is you need coping with Erin, but don’t shut me out forever. I know you. I’m in love with you. I know that you’re hurt right now and you want to punish me for it. Fine! Keep up the silent treatment, but I know you love me. You know me—”

  “I don’t know you!” She screams through the door and I shut my eyes. “I know the lie you sold me. I know that really well.”

  “Erin—”

  “Go away!” She screams through the door. “Go back to Yankee Doodle Land and enjoy whatever cocktail party you throw with your Mr. Monopoly hats and diamond encrusted glasses!”

  Leaning my head against her door I push past her lashing, “I am. I have to go back to Maryland. I have some family business to deal with and a case that I’m in the middle of.” With a long exhale I shake my head. “I’m sorry, Erin, for everything. If you change your mind call me please. I’ll hop on the first flight back for you. I’d do anything for you...”

  Backing away from the door, I turn and see Kellar with his eyebrows raised high. “For how long?”

  “Unsure.”

  Logan
nods. “Try to make it back to see your niece or nephew born or Maxx will fly up to Maryland and give you a beat down.”

  I give him the best smile I can. “I’ll do my best. By the way Kellar, I just want you to know that...I owe this all to you.”

  “Owe what?”

  “My decision to go back to the legal field.”

  “You’re blaming me?”

  “I’m thanking you,” I reiterate. “Helping you get custody of Dean was one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life. Taking it on and helping someone actually get the family they needed, just struck something inside. Something was missing before with my career. I didn’t miss being a lawyer until I offered to help make a real difference in someone’s life. So thank you for that.”

  He nods again at me, stands, and gives me a bro style hug. After it he says, “Take care of yourself up there.”

  “Take care of yourself down here,” I try to smile again. “And if you can...keep an eye out on my girl, will ya?”

  “Most definitely,” Logan assures me.

  Without saying another word, I walk out the front door and prepare to leave Texas. The only place that’s ever really felt like home and leaving the only people who have ever really felt like family.

  Guess everyone’s past catches up with them at some point huh? No need to co-sign. I know it’s true.

  Chapter 19

  Erin

  The knocking doesn’t stop. Finally I swing my door open prepared to kick C.J. in the nuts when I see Logan leaning against the door frame. I open my mouth to snap when he holds up a set of car keys. “Let’s go for a drive.”

  Folding my arms across my chest I let out an exasperated sigh.

  I know this tactic. It’s one I’ve used on him since I learned to drive except I’m usually the one driving. We get in the car with no destination in mind and I drive around until he opens up or calms down. It works for him. Doesn’t mean it’s gonna work on me.

  “We can try,” he responds.

  What did he do? Have Tony bug our conversations?

  “Fine,” I give in walking past him. “But I’m not talking because there’s nothing to talk about.”

  “That’s fine.” He shoves his hands in his hoodie. “That’s always been the deal. You don’t have to talk. You don’t have to listen. You just have to get in the car and ride.”

  So I do. I get in Logan’s mustang and enjoy the passing scenery in the middle of the day. He takes us through the hills out by the lake. I find I’m yearning to be back in C.J.’s SUV, back in front of the lake, back to being his small slice of peace.

  Annoyed I growl, “How could he do this to me? He expected me to be upfront with him then he wasn’t with me! And now I’m just supposed to let this shit go! Well I did. I let him go. Problem solved.”

  “You didn’t let him go,” Logan says strongly. “And the problem is not solved.” Irritated I let my eyes lower to a scowl. “What are you really pissed off about Erin? That he had a secret? That he has a shitty past? Because you can’t fucking be pissed about that Erin. We all have a past. Look at mine. My shit could make a nun cry.”

  It’s beyond bad. And I don’t even know the half of it. Only Maxx does.

  “I’m pissed off that the guy I fell in love with isn’t the guy he says he is.”

  “Because of his name?” Logan argues.

  “Because he lied!” I scream. “Because he isn’t who he was pretending to be!”

  “Are you sure about that?” Logan pulls up to a stop light. “I mean really sure, Erin. Because what if that guy he was when he was with you is the real him and that other guy he was before was just something he thought he had to be?” The fact that his speech sounds like C.J.’s causes me to look out the window. “Think about it for a sec. We’re all exactly like that. There’s the Maxx the world sees, the book nerd. There’s the Maxx that you and the rest of the fam get to see. And there’s Maximus, a part that only I get to see.” His words cause my eyes to close. “I’m just like C.J. There’s Unbreakable the guy I am for work, the career that people try to define me by. There’s Kellar that you know and then there’s Logan, which you don’t. The real me that only Maxx truly gets to see. Erin, the point I’m trying to make is we’re all a bunch of layers. Not everyone is comfortable being themselves when they feel they’re expected to be someone else. You should know better than anyone.”

  When Logan pulls away from the red light, I flick away a tear still looking out the window, “But it hurts to be lied to. And it hurts that he expected me to trust him when he didn’t trust me.”

  “Take it from someone who never says or does the right thing when it comes to these situations. We all do the best we can in love. It’s hard. We fuck up. But forgiveness is just as important as love itself.”

  His words cause another tear to cascade down my cheek.

  Is he right? Wow. Weird. Never thought I’d have to question that. He’s almost always wrong....but for once, just this once he doesn’t seem to be. Am I being too harsh? Am I wrong for pushing so hard when C.J. just needed a chance to explain? No...No. I’m fine. It’s better this way. It’s better to be alone than to let someone hurt me again.

  Chapter 20

  C.J.

  On an annoyed growl I walk through the front door of my parent’s estate, one hand in my black dress pants, the other tugging at my tie.

  It’s not that I hate ties. I look damn good in ties. It’s just that I miss the lax of jeans and t-shirts. The choice to dress up or dress down. In this house the word “choice” is non-existent.

  Turning the corner, I see my father at the dining room table with a glass of scotch already in his hand and my mother with a glass of wine already in hers.

  Well at least some things will never change. I’ll just go ahead and mention right now, how much it kills me that I look like a younger version of him. My mother on the other hand looks like a classic Barbi Benton. The only thing I got from my mother are her green eyes.

  “Christian!” My mother places her glass down and stands to greet me, the most excited I can honestly say I’ve ever seen her about my arrival.

  She wasn’t even this thrilled when I graduated from high school or college.

  “My sweetheart,” she hugs me warmly. I give her a soft pat on the back, this physical contact being new. “So glad you finally came home.”

  “Well that makes one of us, Mother,” I mumble and sit down at my seat beside her at the oversize dining room table.

  “Christian,” my father greets.

  “Father,” I say in return as Gerald, our butler, comes and places a napkin in my lap and fills my water glass.

  “Drink, sir?” Gerald questions.

  Looking up at him, I give him a short smile. “Come on, G. We’ve talked about this.”

  “Sorry,” he apologizes. “C.J.”

  “No, I’m good. Thank you.”

  He offers another smile and says softly, “Welcome home.”

  Warmest feelings I got most of my time growing up in this house were from G the head butler and Minnie, the nanny that was around most of the time. Come to find out, the two fell in love and got married. However, when my asshole father found out he fired her.

  I nod and he walks away leaving the three of us alone and me feeling no more than a nine year old still trying to hold his own the first time at the grown up table.

  “Did you enjoy your vacation?” my father questions his fingers tapping his glass.

  “It wasn’t a vacation. I was living my life—”

  “Hardly,” he cuts me off. “Serving liquor to people who couldn’t pay for the dry cleaning of one of your suits doesn’t qualify as living.”

  “Jonathan,” my mother hisses at him.

  “Has it ever occurred to you that living isn’t defined by a price tag?”

  “Too much sun, Christian?” he accuses and I roll my eyes.

  Years and years of this! Can you really blame me for splitting?

  “Here I am,�
� I get back on subject. “At the table, just like you ordered.”

  “Good. Because at the firm—”

  “I’m not coming back to the firm.”

  He nearly drops his glass as the warm French bread is delivered to us. “Excuse me?”

  “I’m not coming back to the firm, Father.”

  “You don’t have a choice.”

  “That’s the thing,” I lean back in my seat. “I do. You know why I left? Why I relocated my entire life with next to no warning? I was fucking miserable here.”

  “Language,” my mother scolds me.

  “Miserable?” My father asks like he doesn’t understand.

  “Miserable. I hated waking up in the morning. I hated working with people who felt money was the ticket to everything. That stealing millions of dollars doesn’t deserve anything more than a slap on the wrist and a naughty wag of the finger. I hated golf tournaments and fundraisers for stupid causes. I hated waking up next to a girlfriend I knew I didn’t love. Hell I didn’t even like. Who was most likely cheating on me! I hated going through the motions of a life I would rather end than continue.”

  To my surprise, my mother puts down her wine glass and says, “I...we didn’t know you were so unhappy.”

  “That’s because you don’t really know me. And to be fair, I didn’t really know myself. So I left. I needed to know who I wanted to be versus whom I was pretending to be before the two became one and I spent the rest of my life counting my life in spans of court cases and popping pills to help me sleep at night.”

  “What did you learn, Christian?” My father’s weary voice asks.

  Is that...compassion I hear? No that can’t be right.

  “I learned I’m not made to live in a place like this. I love Texas. I love the city I live in. I love the people I’ve met. I prefer jeans rather than ties. I prefer a greasy burger to an overdressed steak and beer, really good beer, to scotch. I’d rather be in love with a woman whose favorite thing is to argue with me than pretend to care about a woman who has my credit card number memorized.”