Junk

by Julia Eccleshare

  I don’t believe in anything any more. I don’t believe in me, I don’t believe in my friends, I don’t believe in Gemma. But I don’t mean that in a cynical way. The thing I have to remember is that I’m weak and that they’re weak. I can’t do it alone. If you have an addictive personality, you have to have help from outside yourself. Not a person, or an organisation necessarily. Something deeper than that. Some force outside you and stronger than you, that you can turn to when you feel weak.

  I don’t know what they mean when they say that, but maybe I’m getting some kind of an idea about it. That thing outside yourself is different for everyone. I know that I can’t trust myself ever again. I know I can’t trust Gemma either. She’s stronger than me but she’s still weak. But what about love?

  I was looking at a letter she wrote to me the other day and those words on the bottom she writes – ‘Dandelion, I love you…’ And I thought that was magic. Loving someone. It’s not you and it’s not them. It’s not in you, it’s between you. It’s bigger and stronger than you are.

  That’s what I have. That’s all I have, when you think about it. My personality almost disappeared when I was on heroin. I’m off it now but I still don’t know who I am. I only know that I’m weak, and Gemma’s weak, and that I love Gemma. And I know that she loves me.

  Dandelion, dandelion. That’s what I believe in. It’s the only thing can help me now.

  Steve said to me, ‘When you go home you’ll know in the first day whether you’re going to get through the week.’

  ‘I will,’ I said.

  I’ve said that before. This time I know I’ve got nothing to be confident about.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Sally

  It was gonna be a wedding party, it was gonna be a honeymoon, the way Gemma was. She was jumping up and down, and kissing him and hugging him. He was blushing. He’d definitely changed, definitely. He looked so much better. I was pretty cynical about the whole exercise, but you’ve gotta keep an open mind or nothing ever changes.

  Later on, he started going on about all that stuff they’d taught him – how he couldn’t do it on his own, how he needed help from outside himself, wherever that is. Lily was really sneery. She said, ‘Brainwashed. Yeah, what a drag. They took him off one drug and they put him on another. They done a good job on you, mate…’

  Well, she was right, but she didn’t have to say it. Maybe he needs brainwashing. Poor old Tar. I gave her a nudge and I said, ‘Leave him alone, he’s doing all right.’

  ‘Yeah, they put you in prison all right. They locked you up inside your own head and then they gave you the key and how do you get out of that jail? They made you your own jailer, it’s cheaper for ‘em that way…’

  I was pissed off with her, she was being really nasty. He needed that stuff. He just sat there drinking a glass of fizzy wine and said, ‘You can think what you want, Lily. You’re on smack and I’m not.’ She hated that. Later on she went into the bathroom and came back with all these broken up little bits of soap and started trying to push them in his ear and up his nose.

  ‘Get off, Lil!’ He was getting annoyed now.

  ‘That’s to keep your brain clean,’ she told him. You had to laugh. Poor Tar! Lily’s a bit of a missionary. She doesn’t like any other religion but her own.

  Gemma was her old self that day. Bouncing about. She wanted to show the world how pleased she was to get her hands on him again. She was all over him.

  It was a bit different the day before. I went round to help her get the party ready. She was doing rice salad and she looked really awful. I didn’t say anything. You know, your boyfriend’s coming out of detox and someone walks in and says, ‘Christ, you look ugly this afternoon…’ I had a bit with me, because I thought she might need something to steady her up and I offered her some, but she said no. She was making a big thing about not doing any, but we all knew she was cracking up every now and then. The thing is, people say that your friends stop you getting off but you’re gonna pack it in when the time is right. If you push it at the wrong time you only wear yourself out and make it worse.

  But I didn’t say anything. I got a knife and helped her cut up the peppers.

  I was watching her. I kept my mouth shut as long as I could but finally she hangs down her head and starts weeping. I put my arm round her. ‘What’s up, Gems?’ I said.

  Out it all came. ‘I’ve really let Tar down, I’ve really blown it for him. I made all these promises and…’ And she cracks up all over the rice salad.

  I was really surprised because, you know, she’d been doing so well. She’d turned over a new life. She’d stopped doing jumps at the parlour, saving herself for Tar. She’d cut right down on the smack.

  ‘I’ve been doing more smack, I did some today and he’s been keeping himself clean and look at me…’

  Off she went.

  ‘How much have you been doing?’ I said.

  ‘I did some again today, I was feeling so rotten…’

  ‘And when did you do it before?’

  She shrugged and wiped her eyes. ‘Day before yesterday.’

  I mean, she used to do stuff every day. Twice a day. Three times. She used to do more than me. And now she’d cut right down, just taking a little bit when she was feeling low, and here she was blaming herself and turning the brilliant effort she’d made into a mess, just because she wasn’t bloody Superwoman.

  ‘But Tar hasn’t done any,’ she wailed.

  ‘Well, of course he hasn’t, he’s been surrounded by all these people paid to make sure he stays clean. Where he was you’d have to be strong as hell to take the stuff,’ I told her. ‘You’ve done it all on your own, you’re doing really, really well.’

  ‘But he’s been clean and I haven’t and I don’t think I’m strong enough to keep off it and I do love him, I love him so much, Sal, and I’m just going to drag him down…’

  ‘Listen…’ I gave her a squeeze. ‘You’re really lucky. I wish I felt like that about someone. You don’t know how lucky you are, Gems…’

  She smiled at me through her tears.

  ‘You’re going to be all right.’

  ‘I ought to go away. I’ve been thinking if I was strong I ought to go away and leave him because maybe he’d stand a better chance without me.’

  I started getting a bit irritated with her then. I told her, ‘You’re mad, you don’t leave someone because you love them. You’re mad…’ I started laughing, and she started laughing a bit through her tears, because it was so stupid.

  We did a little one together. She was worried about it but you can’t turn yourself into Superwoman. She did a chase, so Tar wouldn’t see any marks on her. She hasn’t done a needle for weeks. That’s brilliant. She was falling to bits, what sort of homecoming would that be for him?

  I told her, she can’t be strong for everyone all the time, she had to learn to take some strength off him. I told her, he’d been taking strength from her for a long time. Maybe now it was her turn. If that place where he’d been was any good, he’d come up with enough strength for the pair of them.

  I was scared that when the party came she wouldn’t be able to cope with it, but she was brilliant. Gemma knows how to rise to the occasion. She was bubbling. Tar was as cool as a cucumber, although looking back maybe he was a little freaked.

  Later on I noticed Rob was missing, and I knew what that was likely to mean so I went upstairs and found him, sure enough, doing one in the bedroom. And guess who was there with him?

  Well… that didn’t last long, did it? I was pretty annoyed with Tar about it, I can tell you. Gemma had tried so hard and she’d done so well. He was saying how it was a party, he was just having a hit because it was a big day and he was feeling a bit freaked out with all those people. I thought, Maybe it didn’t mean anything. But of course I knew exactly what it did mean.

  I sat on the bed and shot up. We sat about talking about nothing and then, Lily came in…

  She just stood there lo
oking at Tar and nodding, going, ‘Yeah… yeah…’ He just smiled wryly. You could see there was a performance on its way. Then she starts going round the room looking behind the wardrobe and in the drawers and under the bed and she says, ‘You know what? I can’t find God anywhere.’ God, of course, was what she thought Tar was on about when he talked about something outside himself helping him.

  ‘He didn’t hang around long, then, did he?’ she told Tar.

  ‘It’s not a problem to me, Lily. I’m sorry if it bothers you,’ he said, smiling at her like he was drinking milk.

  I lay back on the bed and closed my eyes. I just couldn’t be bothered. I’d have said something, but he didn’t look as though he cared either. I don’t suppose he did; he hadn’t used for over a month. Lucky bastard, you could see by the look on his face. He felt good. Even so Lily stood there staring at him until he began to wriggle about in his chair.

  ‘Gemma did some,’ he said at last.

  ‘Oh, that’s all right then,’ Lily said. Then she started on at Rob. ‘You prat!’ she said.

  ‘He asked me, what was I supposed to do?’ said Rob.

  ‘Oh, leave him alone, Lily, for God’s sake, it’s supposed to be a party,’ I said.

  ‘Look at him, he’s practically gauching out…’

  ‘I only had a chase, I didn’t use a needle,’ he said.

  I said, ‘You’re making too much of it, Lily. It’s his party.’

  ‘It doesn’t mean I haven’t given up,’ said Tar.

  I said, ‘Oh, God,’ because that was asking for it.

  Lily was right in. ‘Oh, yeah, you take the stuff but you’ve still given up, sure…’

  ‘… this is a party. Anyway, Gemma did some tonight. She told me. She asked me if it was okay.’

  ‘And you said yes.’

  He smiled. I thought, You crafty git. Of course Gemma could have some. Because then so could he…

  Well, you know, that’s junk. We’re all the same. There’s always a reason when you want to do some.

  Then he said, ‘Don’t tell her, will you, Lily? It won’t do her any good, you won’t be doing her any favours.’

  Lily sneered. ‘Yeah, you want me to play your game. How are you gonna feel about this tomorrow?’

  ‘I expect I’ll think I fancied some heroin, Lily.’

  She flounced around the room a bit then snapped at Rob. He’d been sitting quietly. He knows not to put his head over the edge when Lily’s off. He’d been doing her a works and now he handed it over to her. Lily sat on the edge of the bed and started digging about for a vein behind her knees.

  ‘You’ve really buggered it up for both of you,’ she told Tar.

  I’d just about heard enough. I got up and stamped out to the door.

  ‘What’s up with you?’ she snapped.

  I turned round at the door and said, ‘You, lecturing him about junk with a needle stuck up your arse, that’s what,’ and I slammed the door and walked out. Lily came running to the door and leaned over the bannisters screaming at me,

  ‘You fucking slag! Are you calling me a junkie? Are you calling me a hypocrite?’

  I just ignored her and walked on down. I didn’t even look round. I knew she wasn’t going to come for me. She still had her works loaded up in the bedroom behind her and she wasn’t likely to leave that behind, not in a room with two junkies in it.

  I got to the bottom of the stairs imagining I was one of those starlets in an old fifties film where they descend the grand stairway in a ballgown, and all the heads turn. All the heads were turning, of course, but not because I was looking beautiful. I stepped off the last stair and I thought, So she isn’t a junkie? Hasn’t the penny dropped for that girl yet?

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Richard

  HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME

  THROW ME A LINE AND I’LL SPIN IT BACK

  HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME

  BUT WHAT I REEEEEEALLY NEEEED’S THE CASH

  Lurky

  I said, ‘Are you clean?’

  ‘Sort of.’

  ‘I don’t want any needles in the house.’

  ‘I’m not that bad,’ he said. He sounded slightly offended. I didn’t ask any further than that. I thought it was just a visit. We made arrangements for the weekend, then I put the phone down.

  I was living with Sandra at the time. I’d had a great time in Australia and South-East Asia. Bicycling is the only way to travel. I used to go down regularly to the New Forest when mountain bikes first came on the market and I knew at once I’d seen the future of cycling. South-East Asia was only the first step. I’m going to do India next.

  I’d often thought of Tar when I was over there. He’d have loved every second of it. I used to think of the last time I’d seen him and what he’d said to me, ‘I don’t have to run away to Asia to have a good time, Richard.’

  I was sitting on this fallen statue in Thailand at the edge of a ruined temple in the jungle. I’d slept on the beach, had a swim and cycled through the jungle for fifteen miles. There were huge butterflies everywhere, big as birds. I thought, I know where I’d rather be…

  Then when I got back I went to live in Birmingham for a bit. I had friends in Birmingham, but it’s a city I’d never lived in before. That’s where I met Sandra. She was living in the same house as my friends and we started to have an affaire du coeur. Unfortunately I’m not very good at that sort of thing. Then she got a place in college at Reading. Reading! I must have been mad! I went and interviewed at a bike shop there and they offered me the job.

  That’s life. I came back thinking I’d earn enough money to get off to India fairly quickly. Instead I ended up with Sandra in a flat in Woodley. The worst of it was, Sandra liked it.

  I keep falling in love but it always makes me unhappy, I’ve no idea why. When I told Sandra about Tar she was very disapproving. I tried to tell her what a lovely person he was, what a hard time he’d had as a child, all that. It wasn’t as though she’s unsympathetic, actually, but only professionally. Her course was for working with handicapped kids. She was doing work experience with some very badly handicapped kids and it had a very high burn-out rate. By the weekend the last thing she wanted was work at home.

  ‘Junkies are bad news,’ she announced. I suppose after dealing with people with those sorts of problems, addiction looked a bit self-induced.

  I told her what he’d said.

  ‘What’s “sort of” supposed to mean?’ she wanted to know.

  I had a good idea.

  Tar was his usual shifty self. I mean, that’s usual for him since he got on to smack. He’d lost that open look he used to have about him quite early on, after about six months of leaving the squat, I’d say. It was funny. I hadn’t actually liked him for years. I loved him when he first turned up. He had this way of trying to hide everything but it all came shining through anyway.

  The heroin covered that up soon enough but I kept getting little glimpses. He’d look shyly at me out of the corner of his eye, or a slow smile would spread over his face and I’d think the old Tar was still in there somewhere.

  The evening started off not too bad. He told me about the bust. I thought it was very noble of him to go in when the place was crawling with pigs and take the rap. And he talked about the detox centre. I think he got a lot from it but Sandra wasn’t impressed.

  ‘Obviously you didn’t get enough from it,’ she said. It wasn’t very comfortable. She went up to bed early on but I stayed up with Tar rapping. He had a lot to say about junk and getting off it. It all sounded very sensible to me. I thought he was okay.

  I went up to bed about an hour later and Sandra was furious.

  ‘I want him out of the house first thing in the morning,’ she said. I couldn’t believe it.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘He’s just bombed out of his head, that’s all.’

  ‘No, he told me he’s been clean for a month…’

  ‘He says! Didn’t you see his eyes?
’

  ‘He wasn’t… was he?’ And even as I said that I knew it was true. He’d been getting more and more dopey and his pupils had been getting smaller and smaller. I’d been smoking so I hadn’t really noticed, but looking back he was bombed out of sight. If it wasn’t heroin it was something very similar.

  ‘His pupils were like pinheads,’ said Sandra in disgust.

  ‘I’ll have a word with him,’ I promised at last. ‘But don’t boot him out. He’s a friend of mine. Please.’ She snorted and rolled over in the duvet. But she didn’t make me chuck him out.

  We were planning on going for a walk along the river the next day, but first Sandra and I had a few chores to do. We tended to spend Saturday morning doing things like the laundry, ironing. Sandra was being a pain. We put that sort of thing off when her friends came visiting. I got sent to the supermarket. Tar came along with me, and I noticed he was a bit fidgety in the car on the way out. He seemed distracted but at least he wasn’t out of it. Then at Safeway’s he bought some Paracetamol.

  ‘Not feeling well?’ I said.

  ‘A bit ‘fluey,’ said Tar. The number of times I’ve heard him and his friends talk about being ‘a bit ‘fluey’.

  ‘Oh, yes?’ I said.

  ‘Really.’ He looked me in the face. ‘I really have got a bit of ‘flu, really,’ he insisted seriously. He swallowed a mouthful of Paracetamol.

  I didn’t say anything. He was so convincing but Sandra had burst the bubble. I thought, Well, if he doesn’t want to admit it, that’s his business. Actually that’s not true. What I was really thinking was, oh dear, more trouble. Because if Sandra found out he was coming down… oh dear.

  Sandra and I hadn’t been getting on well for weeks. Ever since we moved to Reading, actually. We split up a few months later. Not a very good atmosphere for poor Tar to come off heroin in.

  I was hoping when we got out in the fresh air by the water he’d feel better, but we went back home. Sandra still had loads to do. I was getting annoyed about it. From what I could gather she’d been on the phone to her mum all morning, she didn’t seem to have done anything at all while we’d been out. I suggested Tar and I go on our own, but no, she wouldn’t have that either. So we had to hang about while she got the ironing board out. I could see it was going to take ages, so I went to load the washing machine in the kitchen to try and speed things up.