Junk

by Julia Eccleshare

  I was thinking about having a word with her and telling her that I thought he was coming down and that we ought to be helping him, when suddenly there was Tar behind me pulling his coat on.

  ‘Where are you off to?’ I asked.

  ‘I’m going back.’

  ‘What for?’

  Tar shrugged. His eyes drifted across the floor. ‘I need to go back,’ he said. ‘Can you lend me the bus fare? I’ve left myself with no money.’

  ‘Oh…’ I felt I was letting him down. ‘Is it Sandra?’

  ‘No, it’s nothing to do with her, I don’t blame her at all, I just have to get back…’

  ‘Why?’

  Tar looked away from me, at the fridge, at the wall opposite. ‘I’m coming down, I’m doing cold turkey, but I can’t go through with it. I want to go back and get some heroin,’ he said. And he looked at me and shrugged.

  I said, ‘Why didn’t you say?’

  ‘I just thought I’d give it a go and it’d happen, but I’m not making it. I have to go back.’

  ‘But you said you’d been clean for a month.’

  ‘I didn’t want to tell you I was coming down. Look.’ He spread his hands open. ‘Can’t you lend me the money? I’ll only hitch home if you don’t.’

  ‘What were you on last night?’

  ‘That was downers. I took some barbs along to help me through the first night, but they’re gone now. I can’t do it, Richard, I’m sorry, I can’t do it. Not this time.’

  I started trying to talk him out of it, telling him to think of Gemma, telling him how well he was doing, which we both knew was a pack of lies. He hadn’t even made it through one day and, in fact, I was appalled at how bad he was. I was still going on at him when Sandra came in.

  She stood and looked at us, Tar in his coat.

  ‘What’s going on?’ she said.

  ‘Tar wants to go back. He’s been trying to come off it on this visit.’

  Sandra just snorted. She turned her back and went to the washing machine and began to go through the clothes I’d loaded.

  ‘I’d better go,’ said Tar, and he made for the door.

  ‘Wait…’

  I could have killed her. He was coming to see me because he thought I might be able to help him, he was my friend. He was still just a kid! If she decided she didn’t want to help, I might as well give him the money now, except I’d have an argument on my hands about that as well.

  He got to the door when Sandra came back in. ‘How long have you been off it?’ said Sandra.

  Tar turned at the door to look at her. ‘Just one day,’ he said.

  ‘What about last night?’ she said.

  ‘That was barbiturates,’ I said quickly. ‘He took some to help him get over the first night but they’re gone now.’

  Sandra snorted softly.

  Tar said, ‘You’re right, I’m just a junkie. I’m just a junkie and I just want to get back and get on with…’

  And as he said this his face began to crumple up. He began to cry. As he started to cry he turned and ran out of the room.

  I was shocked. He’d looked so cool. I stared at Sandra. She looked at me and suddenly, she ran out after him. He was at the door fumbling with the lock and Sandra threw herself on him and she grabbed his shoulder and spun him round, tall bloke though he was, and fixed him with a hug. She just wrapped her arms round him so hard he couldn’t move and hugged him and hugged him. I stood and watched his face over her shoulder. It was terrible. He cried and cried, he couldn’t stop. Αll the strength fell out of him. When she let him go he sank to his knees and then lay down on his side, his face in his hands, and he cried and he cried and he cried.

  ‘I’m just a junkie, I’m just a junkie, I’m just a junkie,’ he said, over and over and over. Sandra lay down next to him and put her arms around him. I got down too and lay half on top of him.

  ‘I’m just a junkie, I’m just a junkie,’ he said. He tried to get up but we held him down. I put my arms around him. I was crying too. Tar lay there underneath us both and wept.

  *

  Sandra was brilliant. Once she realised what was going on, she was right there. After a bit when the tears began to subside she said, ‘I’ve got some strong painkillers upstairs, would that help?’ Tar nodded. I mentioned the Paracetamol, and he said he’d had two. Sandra and I glanced at each other; he was in such a state we were scared he could do anything, so we made him hand over the packet and sure enough, he’d just had two. So Sandra went and got her painkillers. She’d had them prescribed for her periods, which had been really bad ever since she’d had a coil fitted.

  Then we discussed what to do – me and Sandra, that is. Tar just sat there and watched us. Whether we should get to a doctor and try to get him on a methadone script, whether we should give him some money and pack him away on holiday somewhere. I have to hand it to Sandra – she’d have given over her life savings to save him once she came round to his side.

  The trouble was, Tar wouldn’t have any of it. The tears had stopped, but he was as stubborn as a mule. He was going back to get some heroin. That was all. He wouldn’t agree to anything else. When she asked him if he wanted to go on holiday to Spain or somewhere, on us, he just said if we gave him any money he’d go straight back to Bristol and spend it on heroin, so it would be better for us not to.

  All he wanted us to do was lend him the bus fare. In the end we decided to put off any big decisions and just go for that walk. At least he might feel better by the river. We could go to a pub and get a few drinks down him. But time was getting on and we decided we’d better have some lunch first.

  We went to get it ready. I was in a right mess. I was appalled at what had happened. But one thing – he was himself again. He’d come back, all open and helpless, and I suppose that’s what won Sandra round in the end. But it was so sad, because it was being himself that he found so difficult to cope with.

  We chopped vegetables and talked about what to do.

  Sandra, bless her, wanted him to stay as long as he needed to. I remember standing there beaming to myself with pleasure and thinking, It’s the first time I’ve done this for weeks.

  But when we went through with the food he was gone.

  We ran round the house but his bag was gone from his room. I ran out on to the road but I couldn’t see him. I went one way, Sandra went another, but he was nowhere. So we ran back into the house, grabbed our keys and made for the car.

  ‘He can’t be at the bus station, he hasn’t got any money,’ I said.

  Sandra said, ‘We’d better check my purse and your wallet.’ I just looked at her, but she was right, he was desperate enough. We ran back in and Sandra spent ten minutes looking for her purse, but she found it in the end. The money was all there.

  ‘He must be hitching.’

  We jumped into her old Renault and headed off towards the motorway junction.

  We got to the roundabout – no one there. We stopped and got out of the car to see if he’d spotted us and hidden on the slip road, but he was definitely not there.

  Then I realised: ‘The other roundabout…’

  There are two in Reading.

  ‘But that’s miles away.’

  ‘Yes, but that’s where he got dropped off when he came, that’s where I picked him up. He might not even know about this one.’

  So off we went again. We got on to the motorway and drove up to the next turn-off. We drove around that roundabout, but he wasn’t there either. We got off the roundabout and drove back in towards town.

  He was walking down the road towards the junction. He didn’t try and hide. We pulled up, jumped out and ran towards him. Tar put down his bag and waited for us.

  ‘Got you!’ I grinned. He smiled back wanly. I think he was pleased to see us.

  Well, we argued and argued all over again. Tar wasn’t interested. All he was willing to talk about was whether we were going to lend him the bus fare or whether he was going to hitch. It went on for ten minut
es or more, but gradually it began to sink in on me – there was nothing we could say or do. He’d already given up in his mind.

  ‘But you can do it, other people do it,’ Sandra kept saying.

  ‘It’s no worse than a dose of ‘flu,’ I reminded him.

  ‘And I can’t even cope with that,’ said Tar.

  I sort of understood. That was how worthless he felt. It was poison and you knew it was poison. Maybe it was just like the ‘flu, maybe it was even easy to stop, but he couldn’t do even that.

  ‘I’m going back to Bristol to get some heroin. You can’t stop me. All you can do to help me is lend me the money to get back on the bus.’

  ‘We’re not lending you anything,’ said Sandra.

  Tar must have seen in my face what I was thinking. ‘Tell her,’ he said.

  And I just shrugged. The thing was, if he hitched back it would be so miserable. It was a lousy day, cold, damp, he wasn’t dressed for it. But he’d freeze and get sodden for the sake of heroin, and what would that achieve? He’d just feel even more worthless and useless than if he caught the bus, because then at least he wouldn’t have to suffer for it.

  I tried to explain to Sandra, but she was more or less convinced anyway. He was so sure of himself, if you see what I mean.

  ‘I can’t give up for you,’ Sandra said, ‘or I would.’ I rummaged in my pockets for the money. He was looking miles better all of a sudden, and I could have kicked him for it.

  Then we drove him to the bus station.

  ‘You did the right thing,’ said Tar. And we both glanced at each other because it was like he’d pulled the wool over our eyes, because he was so pleased with himself. Maybe. Or maybe he was just glad that he didn’t have to hitch after all.

  We went with him to the station to wave him off. Sandra said, ‘Come back soon, any time you want to try again.’

  ‘Any time at all,’ I said firmly.

  ‘Any time at all,’ she agreed.

  Tar nodded his thanks and moved towards the bus. We stopped him to give him a goodbye hug and he waited while we did that. Then he climbed on board and the bus drove him off.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Gemma

  OH HOW COULD YOU EV-ER LET ME DOWN

  NOW HOW COULD YOU EV-ER LET ME DOWN

  THESE PROMISES (AH AHHHHHHHHHHHH)

  WERE MADE FOR US

  (O-O-OH O-O OH OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

  The Buzzcocks

  I had a problem. Maybe I had a problem. I was waiting to see if I did when someone started pounding on the door and yelling. I leaped up and spilt tea down my front and scalded myself.

  I thought, Police! But it was a woman doing the yelling.

  It was a complete accident I was at home at all. I should have been at the parlour but I just couldn’t face it that day. This time it wasn’t the junk. My period was late. My period was late and my boobs felt sore and…

  That was absolutely the very last thing on this planet I wanted and now a monster was knocking on my door.

  I walked very quietly down the hall as if I wasn’t in.

  Bang bang bangbangbababababang…

  I knew it wasn’t the police because it was so desperate. Then I heard the breathing. It was ragged breath. I mean, almost choking. Then, again – BANG BANG BANG – and the voice– ‘Please please please…’

  I ripped the door open and Lily fell on to me. She had Sunny in one arm. Lily slammed the door behind her, moaning and weeping.

  ‘What happened, Lily, are you all right?’

  She couldn’t talk. She could hardly walk. She had one hand on her throat. She gestured with that hand and I saw that her throat was red. She was only wearing her dressing-gown.

  ‘God…’

  I dragged her in and plonked her on the settee. I took Sunny off her. He was screaming his head off. Lily leaned over the side of the settee and threw up.

  I got the story slowly. It was a punter. He came up and he got her to undress and then he asked her to… something she didn’t want to do. When she said no, he grabbed her and shook her. Lily tried to scream to alert Rob, who always waited downstairs with a baseball bat in case there was any trouble, but the guy clapped his hand over her mouth. He shoved her over the bed and grabbed a pair of her old tights – her floor was always littered with clothes – and he put them round her neck and pulled them tight, really tight. He really pulled them tight.

  He kept half strangling her and then letting go, just enough for her to know he could kill her, really kill her, if she didn’t do what he wanted. She couldn’t scream. He let loose just enough for her to get a breath and then he’d squeeze tight again. He was doing these things to her while she was being strangled. At one point she got her hand under the tights and flipped over on to her back and kicked him off. He turned her over and he bent her arm right up her back until she thought he was going to break it. Then he got the tights back on again and carried on with what he was doing, all the time tightening the tights around her neck.

  When he’d finished he let her go and she tore the tights off and tried to scream. Her throat was wrecked, but she made some sort of noise. The bloke did his clothes back up and walked out of the bedroom and downstairs. Lily heard Rob shout, but a minute later the door went bang. Then Rob ran upstairs. She was trying to tell him not to call the ambulance because they’d bring the police along with them, but she couldn’t speak. Rob just stared at her. His head was bleeding. Then he ran back down.

  Lily got up and tried to get downstairs. She got halfway down the stairs when Rob reappeared.

  ‘Go back up,’ he said. ‘The police are coming.’

  Lily tried to say, ‘You stupid idiot,’ because he’d rung them up and the house was full of needles, weighing scales, heroin, everything. But she still couldn’t speak. She carried on downstairs. Sunny was on the floor screaming his head off. She managed to pick him up with one arm. Rob tried to stand in front of her and block her way, but she just pushed past him. She was still naked so she grabbed a gown from a chair and ran out and came straight round to our place.

  While she was telling me all this two things happened. One was, we heard the police come. The sirens. I kept expecting Rob to turn up but he never did. He went round and hid at Dev’s. The other was, I had this pregnancy test on the table. It was one of those ones that shows you a little ring at the bottom of the tube if you’re pregnant.

  That’s what I was waiting for. You have to wait so many hours. I was sitting next to Lily comforting her, but Sunny was screaming so I had to get up and make him a bottle. This little test tube was in the way. I had a quick glance and it seemed okay, you know? There was no ring, everything was fine, I wasn’t pregnant.

  I thought, that’s something, anyway, and I reached out to move it and as my hand went towards it I had another glimpse and this time there was the little ring at the bottom of the tube. A perfect little ring, saying you got it. I don’t know why I saw two different things; it must have been the angle, the light, I don’t know. But it was too late to stop my hand. I grabbed the tube and everything in it went up in a little puff. The ring was gone as soon as I’d seen it and I had no idea which glimpse was the real one and which one I’d imagined…

  I heard my mum saying, bad things always come in threes.

  Rob turned up later and they had a terrible argument. She was furious with him for calling the pigs, even though she’d almost been strangled. Obviously they couldn’t go back to their place because the police’d be watching out for them… they were both scared even to go out of the house. We put them up in our bedroom and they were screaming at each other all night – Lily croaking away because of her throat and bursting into tears. One of them started to trash the place. Me and Tar just sat in the kitchen and listened to it; we didn’t dare go in. The baby was ‘mazing, quiet as a mouse the whole time, although I heard him crying at night a couple of times.

  It got quiet later on. Me and Tar made up some cushions in the spare room and kipped dow
n there. I said to him, ‘What’re we gonna do?’

  He was lying there looking at me in the dark. He said, ‘They can’t stay here.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘The police are looking for them. We’ll only get done. Anyway, Rob’ll be wanting to carry on dealing and we can’t have two dealers in one house.’

  I thought, You bastard, they did everything for us and now all he can worry about is his business. I shifted about a bit, then I said, ‘Maybe we ought to move out and let them stay here.’

  ‘What for?’ He sounded surprised.

  ‘You know what a mess Lily’s in.’ It was true. Lily was worse than any of us. She’d got hooked in Manchester, now she’d got addicted again here. ‘She can’t cope with getting a new place,’ I said. ‘She should stay here. We can go. We could move right out. We could get out of here…’

  Tar shook his head. ‘I’m not giving up my place for them, why should I?’ he said.

  ‘I mean, we could get right away. You know?’

  There was a pause and then he said, ‘Not yet, Gems. I’m not ready for that yet.’

  I didn’t say anything. I thought about that little ring at the bottom of the test tube. I thought, When did Tar turn into a shit and when did I fall in love with him?

  He leaned across and kissed me. ‘Dandelion, I love you,’ he said.

  ‘I love you,’ I said. He pulled a smile, I pulled a smile, not real ones. Then he turned over and went to sleep.

  I didn’t tell him about me being pregnant. I knew what he’d say. He’d want me to have it. He keeps saying we should have a baby like Rob and Lily. It’s stupid. We’re both junkies. But the really awful thing is – I want to have it, too. I knew that when I caught that glimpse of the little ring in the bottom of the tube. I wasn’t frightened or upset by it, you see. I was pleased.