Junk

by Julia Eccleshare

  I want to have Tar’s baby. Now that really is stupid, isn’t it?

  I don’t know why I’ve started to love him so much. It always used to be the other way round, him loving me more. I don’t understand myself, because he’s a bastard now, really. He lies, he cheats. He pinches my money. Just helps himself out of my purse. He nicks our stash. He takes the smack and goes away and doesn’t come back till he’s finished it. Then he tells me he loves me. His eyes sort of swivel about. I don’t know if it’s true. I don’t think he knows what’s true any more. I always used to think that when I fell in love, I’d fall for some bastard with an earring. Well, now I have.

  I lay in bed and I thought for a long, long time. About Tar. About Lily and Rob and Sunny. You look in that baby’s eyes – he’s full of it – junk, I mean. He must get it through the milk. She even rubs a few grains on his gums if he’s playing up. He’s a junkie, he’s been a junkie all his little life, he was a junkie before he was even born.

  What was scaring me was, that little blob of jelly inside me seemed like the only thing worth anything I had in the whole world.

  Much later I heard Lily moving around in the sitting room, so I got up, too. She was wandering around with the baby on her arm looking for something in the drawers.

  ‘Hi.’

  She looked at me. She looked awful. ‘Yeah.’ Sunny was snuffling on her arm, half moaning. ‘He won’t sleep, I’m looking for his dodee,’ she said. She yawned and smiled at me sleepily.

  ‘Let me hold him for a bit.’ She let me take the baby off her. She doesn’t often let me hold Sunny, she clings on to him. I touched the folds of white cloth around his face. He was so sweet. Holding babies always makes me feel broody.

  ‘I wanna have one,’ I said.

  ‘Yeah, you will one day, Gems, you deserve it.’

  Lily sat down. I put the baby on the settee next to her and made a cup of tea. The lights were on a dimmer switch, very low. It was cosy. The embers were still in the fire. I made a pot of tea and we sat and drank it.

  ‘How’s your neck?’

  ‘It hurts.’ Lily smiled. I smiled back at her. She looked really motherly and warm in her gown. Sunny was making gurgling noises. I took advantage of Lily being okay about it and had another hold. He ponged.

  ‘I think he’s filled his nappy,’ I said.

  Lily yawned. ‘I’ll finish my tea first,’ she said. ‘He might’ – and she tipped back her head in a great big yawn – ‘he might do some more…’

  ‘I’ll do it,’ I offered.

  ‘Nah, I’ll do it.’

  Lily sipped her tea and began to doze. She was so tired, I thought I’d change Sunny for her anyway.

  I took him over to the mat by the fire and undid his nappy. It was a mess. He really did some monsters in there, that baby. He bent his legs back the way babies do and gurgled and cooed and held his feet and tried to eat them. I wiped him clean. Then I let him try and suck my nose.

  There was a voice behind me. ‘You didn’t have to do that, Gems.’

  I cried, ‘Ah!’ Lily had crept up behind me to see what I was doing. She scared the life out of me. There was something strange in her voice. I spun round. She was staring at my hands on her baby.

  ‘You fell asleep,’ I said.

  She brushed past me and picked up Sunny. She looked at me as if she didn’t know who I was or what I was doing there and said, ‘No one’s ever gonna take my baby off me.’

  I was just shocked. I said, ‘I never said that, I never said that.’ It never occurred to me. She was looking at me like I was some kind of monster come to steal her baby away. And I felt as guilty as hell because now she’d said it it was obvious that she thought it should be taken off her.

  ‘No one’s ever gonna,’ she said, and she turned away with the baby. She sounded like she was going to cry.

  The whole room was buzzing in my ears. I don’t know why it was so powerful. I think it was because the mask slipped. I thought, My God, she’s completely out of her depth. And we both knew it, we both knew she’d shown something she never ever showed to anyone, because suddenly she gave me this little glance over her shoulder. Her face was so scared. She was like a baby herself she was so scared. Then she cradled her head against Sunny, and rubbed her cheek into him and kissed him and loved him.

  ‘He’s a lovely baby, Gems,’ she said. She tried to smile at me. She was just trying to be normal, but it wasn’t normal. She stood there staring at me, trying to keep her face straight, and as I watched, her eyes filled with tears. Her mouth opened and I knew what she was going to say. She was going to say, ‘Help me.’ Don’t ask me why but I just knew. I could see her reaching for the words, but she couldn’t do it. I reached out to hold her but she just shook her head, a stiff little shake.

  There was a horrible few seconds in which I thought she was going to break down and cry. But Lily turned away and went back to the kitchen. She walked around the room a few times. She sat down on the settee. I couldn’t move. I didn’t know what to do. I thought she might suddenly jump up and… and stab me or something. I was sure she was going to be angry the next second.

  Then Lily tipped back her head and yawned, a big, big yawn. I didn’t believe that yawn; it wasn’t real. She turned and smiled that big Lily smile at me, like she was herself again.

  ‘I’ve had it, Gems, I’m going to bed.’

  ‘Okay, Lil.’

  She got up and she had to walk past me on her way to the door. I had to force myself not to move back away from her. She looked at me and she said, ‘It’ll be all right, Gems.’

  ‘I know, Lily.’

  ‘Night.’

  ‘Night.’

  I watched her as she left the room. She turned at the door and gave me a big warm smile, and that scared little look again. Then she went out. I sat back down on the rug and drank my tea. I listened to her getting into bed. I waited a long time.

  That baby was all she had. He’d always been such a good baby, so quiet.

  I thought to myself, I’ve followed you everywhere you’ve gone. I’ve followed you everywhere but I’m not following you here…

  After a while I went down the hall and got my big coat on. I went ever so quietly down the corridor and let myself out of the front door. It was late, two, three o’clock. It was cold but I was scared to get dressed in case Lily came or Tar woke up. I went very quickly round the corner because I didn’t believe Lily was asleep. I got to the telephone booth and I dialled 999 and asked for the police.

  When I’d finished I said to the woman, ‘Will you go round straight away?’

  ‘They’ll have to get a warrant first, it’ll be a few hours…’

  ‘Goodbye.’

  ‘Just a minute, Miss…’

  I put the phone down.

  It was a real drag that it was going to take so long. I’d been planning on going back and waiting for the music to start with the rest of them, but I just couldn’t stay round there waiting for hours.

  I had nowhere to go.

  I began to walk up the road. A car pulled up by me – someone kerb crawling. I just shook my head and walked on. I was only in my nightie and my coat and my shoes. I carried on walking for a while and I began to cry, trying to think what on earth I was going to do next…

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Vonny

  Wednesdays we play badminton.

  I moved to Clifton when I got my place at college. Now I pay rent and everything. Boring really, but you need a good base when you’re doing something like that, and you could never tell how long a squat was going to last. I took my course at college seriously and I didn’t want the hassle of having to move every few months.

  John’s an art student. After badminton we usually go for a few drinks. He gets through his grant in about the first month, so if I want to go out with him I have to buy the drinks, which irritates me no end. He gets the same as me, why should I pay for him? He says his appetites are bigger, which is true – he drinks m
ore than me. Maybe he should apply for an extra-large drinks allowance.

  Normally we stay at my place because it’s so much nicer, but on Wednesday we usually go to his because mine’s a bus ride away and his is just round the corner from the Sports Centre. I usually stay there and go straight into college the next day. So I don’t get home till Thursday afternoon.

  I’ve got a garden flat that I share with a girl called Sandy, but she was away that week. Willy lives a few doors up from me. We call her Willy because she has two kids and she used to yell, ‘Are the children all in bed?’ out of the front door when she wants them to come in and go to bed, like Wee Willy Winkie.

  She came round to see me an hour or so after I got back.

  ‘There was a girl sitting on your doorstep yesterday morning. A punky type – one of the scabby ones. She was there for hours.’

  I’m a bit of a punky type, as Willy calls it, although never one of the scabby ones. I couldn’t work it out because I don’t know anyone like that any more, not since I left St Paul’s.

  ‘She was there for ages. I think she only had pyjamas on under her coat, she must have been freezing. She was there first thing in the morning, God knows how long she’d been there. I went out about ten o’clock to see what was going on and I told her you wouldn’t be back till this evening. She looked awful.’

  ‘Didn’t she tell you her name?’

  ‘No. She knew you, though.’ Willy looked suspiciously at me. ‘Who was it then?’ she asked.

  I scratched my ear. ‘I can’t think… What did she look like?’

  Willy started to describe her, but that didn’t help either. I just suddenly realised…

  ‘Gemma!’

  I hadn’t seen her for ages. It got worse and worse round there, full of brain-dead zombies. I used to go round and nag her quite regularly. She was boasting about it all the time – being on the game, using needles. She thought it was all a big gas. I kept on going for a bit after Richard moved out of Bristol, but then I stopped.

  I thought she must be in trouble. I mean, she’d been in trouble for years, but now she’d realised it at last.

  I drove straight round to her place but I couldn’t get an answer. I looked through the windows and there was no one there. I got back home, fiddled about. I was worried about her – scared, really. She was in such bad trouble for so long and she never even knew it. I like Gemma. She had a lot going for her, but she was just such a lousy judge of character.

  It was six o’clock in the evening before I discovered the note. She must have pushed it through my letterbox, but there’s a little piece of carpet I use as a mat and sometimes it rucks up and letters get stuck underneath it.

  ‘I can’t wait any longer, I’m going to the hospital to try and get them to admit me. Gemma.’

  I’d told her so many times I’d always be there if she needed me, and she’d just laughed at me. But she remembered in the end. I ran out and jumped in the car and drove straight there.

  She looked like death. I sat on the bed and listened to her story, and I kept thinking, she’s eighteen and I’m twenty-four, but she’s so much older than me. She’s an addict, she’s fallen in love, she’s slept with dozens of men, she’s pregnant. She was only eighteen but I felt like I was sitting there listening to an old, old woman telling me what had happened to her when she was still young.

  The police had been round to interview her but Tar, bless him, had taken the rap again even though he must have known she’d called the cops… and even though it would mean youth custody for him this time.

  The hospital was keen to get rid of her. She was just taking up a bed as far as they were concerned. She’d only got in because she was getting these violent stomach cramps. She said she always got them when she was coming down but to be honest, I think she’d exaggerated it so they’d give her a bed. So she was just lying there waiting to be chucked out with nowhere to go.

  Poor Gemma! Of course I could take her into my house. I would have done but…

  ‘Give me your parents’ number, Gemma. Let’s try that first.’

  ‘I can’t.’

  The number of times I’d asked her. The number of times she’d said that. I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing.

  ‘It’s out of your hands, Gemma. Just say the number.’

  She covered her face with her hands. ‘0232…’ she began. She remembered after all those years.

  The phone rang three times. A woman picked it up and said, ‘Hello.’

  I said, ‘Mrs Brogan?’

  ‘Yes.’

  I took a deep breath and said it. ‘It’s about your daughter, Gemma.’

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Emily Brogan

  Three and a half years.

  I wanted to catch the train. It would be quicker but Grel insisted on driving. I suppose the driving took his mind off things. I thought it’d be unsafe, but in the event he was as good as gold. I sat there and thought about all the things I’d missed – the things Gemma had missed – growing up, going to school, exams, boyfriends in the living room, parties…

  I’d looked forward to all of it. Having a daughter was like living my own childhood over again and I’d missed out on so much. We all had. I was furious with her because of that. And because… You see, after all those years, you try to tell yourself you’ll probably never see her again until you’re an old woman. And then this happens and the wounds are all as fresh and raw as they were when she first left. She was eighteen years old and in trouble but she was still a child to me.

  How could she do that to us?

  I kept remembering what that girl had told me. ‘She’s in hospital. No, she’s not hurt.’

  ‘But why?’ I kept saying. ‘Why’s she in hospital?’ I assumed she was having a baby.

  And then at last, ‘She’s a heroin addict. She’s having severe withdrawal symptoms, apparently.’

  Three and a half years. She could have died. She still could.

  We got to the hospital and asked for Gemma Brogan. They made us wait and there was a doctor who wanted to discuss her case with us before we saw her. He told us she was pregnant, after all. As well as. He gave me to understand there wasn’t a lot of sympathy for someone with her problem.

  ‘Hospital beds are for people who are sick,’ he said. In other words, she was going to be booted out. He clearly expected us to take care of her.

  We walked towards the ward. Grel said, ‘A baby. She’s been taking that stuff with a baby…’ He sounded furious. We walked a bit further. He said, ‘I suppose she’ll expect us to bail her out.’

  I couldn’t believe my ears. I just stopped and stared at him. She was our child. I was so angry with him, I was prepared to have a row right there in public, standing in the middle of the corridor. But when I turned on him, I saw that he wasn’t furious at all. He looked at me with big wet eyes – that’s how he cries, his eyes just get wet, and his hands hanging by his side, and his face as grey as winter rain. He looked like his whole world had been blown up.

  I suppose we let Gemma down in many ways. But she let us down too. She destroyed our lives. The way Grel and I were with each other after she went. We blamed each other. The bitter, bitter arguments we’d had about what we’d said and done and what she’d said and done. It nearly wrecked our marriage. Perhaps it did wreck it. Perhaps we’re just together because we have nothing better to do.

  But at least we are still together…

  I took his arm and squeezed it. God knows, we’re none of us perfect. And he, God bless him, he hung his head and closed his eyes for a moment and a tear trickled down his cheek. Then we hurried on. I can take anything but Grel crying. It always makes me blub and I wanted to save any tears I had for Gemma.

  At the ward I did a very selfish thing. I said to Grel, ‘I want to see her alone.’ I don’t defend it. He had as much right as me. I suppose I wanted that precious moment all to myself.

  He just shook his head. I nearly said, ‘I’m a mot
her,’ but I bit it back just in time. Then we walked in…

  My first thought was, My God, she looks like my mother. Despite everything I still thought of her as a fourteen-year-old girl. But she looked like my mother, my own mother. An old woman.

  I went to sit next to her and put my hand on her hand. I wanted to make it as normal as possible for her sake, talk about home and ask her what she’d done, although how on earth we could talk about what she’d done in those years I don’t know. I didn’t want to cry, I knew I shouldn’t but I thought of all the things I’d missed and I couldn’t help it, I couldn’t get even a word of what I’d planned on saying out. I just started to weep. I tried but I couldn’t speak at all so I laid my head on her breast and I wept and I wept and I wept…

  She was crying too. I knew it was all right when she started to cry. The tears said everything for us.

  Then she said, ‘I want to come home, Mum, can I come home, Mum, please…?’ I nodded my head and tried to say yes, yes, and we just held one another and cried.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Tar

  You keep your head down and you get on with it. That’s how you do your time. If you suck up to the screws you get trouble from the other lads. If you suck up to the other lads the screws think you’re becoming a hard man and start putting you down. It’s bad enough being locked up all day without the screws screaming at you.

  I think I’m going to get through it. I’m steady. Just this past week I’ve been thinking like that. Maybe it can be an opportunity. Before that I was so depressed and before that I was ill, of course.