Yes, We're Haitian

by Alain Patron

  Annoyed, Junior places his drink on a coaster then proceeds to hold both his middle fingers up. “This is for you (Edner) because I don’t look like the Black dude from The Dark Knight, asshole. This one is for you (Ricardo) knowing his name; nobody knows that guy’s fucking name!” The three of them share a brief laugh before Ricardo proceeds to tell Edner while motioning his head towards Junior, “Shh! We’re over here sitting in silence.”

  Edner slaps Ricardo’s shoulder with the back of his hand so he can make space for him to sit on the windowsill. At the same time, they carry on a conversation about Junior as if he’s not sitting directly next to them. This proves to be somewhat true because Junior once again drifts off into a reverie while staring at Edner’s car parked in the driveway. He begins recalling the competition they had to see who would learn how to drive first.

  Everything was a contest between Junior & Edner, with Ricardo usually serving as both the instigator and referee. However, the competitiveness between the two started long before either could formulate a sentence. Their parents had been longstanding frenemies and would use their children to further their rivalry.

  Edner Saint-Louis Jr. is the son of Dr. Edner Saint-Louis Sr., who is Junior’s father’s oldest friend. Edner once compared their family’s enmity to something out of A Song of Ice and Fire, which led Ricardo to refer to Edner’s father as “Lord Edner.” The animosity between Edner & Junior was such that they once played a basketball game vying for the right to use the title of “Junior.”

  However, as Junior and the younger Edner grew older, they grew closer due to their mutual disdain for their parents’ pretentious conduct towards each other. A fact that is reinforced every Thanksgiving--where erroneous anecdotes of attainment did nothing but entertain the children. The main culprit of these exaggerations was Edner’s mother, Jennifer Saint-Louis. She would try to minimize everyone else’s accomplishments by citing her husband’s wealth with little to no tact. The only things more off-putting than her personality are her wardrobe and god-awful cooking. She insists on wearing a gaudy church hat on every occasion, which is as hard to look at as her revolting potato salad. Jennifer’s cooking is so ghastly that whatever she would bring to Thanksgiving dinner would remain untouched, which became a point of contention between her and Dr. Nadia Michel, who is Junior’s mother. Junior refers to Jennifer as “Tatie Jen,” and Edner refers to Nadia as Tatie Nadi because Tatie means Aunt in Creole. However, while Ricardo referred to Nadia as Tatie Nadi, he refused to call Jennifer “Tatie Jen,” instead opting for Jen Jen, which caused resentment between the two.

  Junior, awakens from his latest spell while laughing, “Look at Tatie Jen’s hat!”

  “Bro, did you know she has a closet for just her hats?” asks Edner while shaking his head in shame.

  “Jen Jen looks like she’s at the Kentucky Derby,” says Ricardo laughing.

  “Why don’t you call my mother Tatie Jen?”

  “Because she’s not my aunt, and I want to have sex with her daughter.”

  “Wait, you mean…my sister?”

  Ricardo nods his head to say yes while walking over to his mother, Roseline, who motions for Junior & Edner to come eat their food.

  “I call his mom Tatie Ro. Why’s your cousin such an asshole?” asks Edner Jr.

  “Who cares?” replies Junior.

  As you can tell, food is a big deal to Haitian people at family functions, but food is love in any culture. Junior & Edner join an already seated Ricardo at the kitchen island when Roseline asks Ricardo, “You can’t wait for everyone to sit before you start eating? Sanble ak yon ti kochon. (You resemble a little pig.)” Edner laughs, but Tatie Ro checks him on the spot, “I can laugh at my son; the only thing you should be laughing at is your mother’s hat.” An expressionless Junior barely touches his food before pouring himself another glass of cognac, much to the chagrin of Tatie Ro. “Ou pa manje, men w ap bwè--ki jan moun yo di? Ah, like a sailor. (You’re not eating, but you’re drinking--how do people say it? Ah, like a sailor.)” Tatie Ro always had a knack for telling when something was off with anyone, probably because Ricardo was such a troublemaker as a kid. “Mommy, we’re not allowed to talk to Junior right now; we have to sit in silence,” says Ricardo to Roseline. Edner finds it amusing that Ricardo still calls his mother “mommy.” However, Ricardo poses a rhetorical question, “You’re laughing, but let me ask you this, how has my mother stopped being my mommy?” Disinterested in the conversation between Ricardo or Edner, Junior walks over to the refrigerator to put an ice cube in his D’USSÉ. “Who puts ice in their cup after pouring their drink? Isn’t that like pouring milk before the cereal?” asks Edner. Junior becomes visibly agitated as he aggressively rubs his beard until he sees his grandparents laughing with his great-aunt. This sight puts him into another hypnotic state.

  Junior’s grandfather, Wood Pierre, is the patriarch of the family who emigrated to the United States from Haiti with his youngest son Emmanuel to make a better life for his family. After finding steady work as a carpenter, he sent for his wife and daughter, Junior’s grandmother and mother, respectively. Affectionately known as Papa Woody, he’s an avid fan of the New York Yankees and Wheel of Fortune, both of which he would watch with Junior. Papa Woody maintains the most relaxed demeanor of anyone in Junior’s life. It’s well known that he refuses to raise his voice, which is a rare characteristic among Haitian people. Although, there was a time when he yelled at Junior for using too many paper towels when he was seventeen. That incident is something that Junior is mindful of even when Papa Woody isn’t around.

  The universal admiration and respect Papa Woody receives is reminiscent of audiences with the Pope, and is only outdone by the love Junior’s grandmother, Shamah Pierre, is given. Commonly known as Mama Sha, she is a homemaker who basically raised Junior while his mother worked nights and weekends to put herself through medical school. Mama Sha is the type of grandmother who will offer food to anyone who walks into her house, no matter the time of day. She loves nothing more than to see her family happy & thriving. Well, that might not be entirely true because she is equally passionate about playing the lotto. Mama Sha and her sister, Matant Jacqueline, spend countless hours at the kitchen table with a Tchala piecing together the numbers they want to play in Bòlèt, which is the Haitian version of the lottery. There are numerous stereotypes about Haitian people that aren’t true, especially the idea of voodoo. The way the two of them picked numbers from this torn & tattered book is the closest thing to Haitian magic that exists.

  Sinking deeper into his absorption, Junior finds himself thinking about a day from his childhood that still haunts him. When he was about eleven-years-old, his grandparents were returning from one of their many voyages to Haiti. After greeting them, Junior ran to his room and began to cry uncontrollably because he realized there would be a day when homecomings wouldn’t exist. This unsettling memory rouses Junior from his sad state, staring at his grandparents as he proclaims, “I have to do something important!”

  With his shoulders slumped and wearing a hound-dog expression on his face, Junior aimlessly scrolls through his phone until he’s approached by Ricardo.

  “You can’t keep drinking if you’re not going to eat something.”

  “Which one of us is going to be a doctor?” asks Junior.

  “You got it.”

  Edner walks over to them as they're huddled up in the kitchen corner, groaning before he asks, "Do you see who's here?" Ricardo pokes his head out the kitchen door to look around.

  “Why’d you look?” asks Edner while sucking his teeth.

  “Why do people ask dumb ass questions? If you say, ‘Do you see who’s here?’ I’m pretty sure everyone’s natural inclination is to look.”

  An exasperated Junior wants to know who they're talking about, only to have Ricardo say, "You know I hate that motherfucker, right?" Only one person can trigger Ricardo's dread in this fashion, and that's Junior's friend--Broderick Tyler.

 
Broderick Tyler was Junior’s college roommate at St. John’s University; born and raised in Seattle, he is a social and digital media marketing strategist. His relationship with Junior initially alarmed Ricardo because, according to Ricardo, “Black men shouldn’t be named Broderick.” Junior presumes Ricardo is jealous of Broderick because he is the quintessential privileged pretty boy. In reality, Ricardo resented their relationship because he doesn’t understand Junior’s loyalty to Broderick because it’s typically reserved for family. Ricardo is also skeptical of the fact that Broderick is always around, in what seems to be the most opportune times. While Ricardo rants on the multitude of reasons why he despises Broderick, Junior is recollecting the time in college when his then-girlfriend, Denise, cheated on him. Not only did she cheat on Junior, but she did so with the resident assistant of his dorm. A fact everybody on campus knew but refused to tell him, except Broderick--who provided video proof. Junior has pledged his undying allegiance to Broderick for, as the universal Black rule states, “Not having me out here looking stupid.”

  Grinning like a Cheshire cat, Junior shakes off the distressing memory to ask Ricardo, “Why don’t you like Broderick again?”

  “Because I can tell he thinks Wakanda is a real place.” This causes Junior to spit his drink out and Edner to stomp his feet while laughing before being approached by Broderick, “What’s so funny, my guys?”

  “You! My guy. Yo, you’re from Seattle, stop trying to sound like a New Yorker; it’s disgusting,” says Ricardo.

  Broderick waves him off then proceeds to greet Junior and Edner; he embraces Junior with a hug, which is met with puzzled looks from Ricardo & Edner. Broderick then slaps five with Edner causing Ricardo to walk away with his hands in the air while yelling, “I’m never wrong about people!”

  Edner’s older sister, Johanne Saint-Louis, stops Ricardo in his tracks, “Ou toujou ap pale byen fò! (You’re always talking loudly!)” She proceeds to grab his cup and gulp the rest of his drink. The two share a laugh while Junior grabs Edner by the shoulders, turning him around so that he can see his sister flirting with Ricardo, a notorious flâneur or playboy. Johanne makes her way over to the kitchen where she punches her brother, Edner, in the shoulder and gives Junior a hug before being interrupted by Broderick who starts singing Afro B’s song “Drogba (Joanna)”

  “Joanna , Jo Jo, Joanna!”

  “My name is Johanne, not Joanna, and stop inviting yourself to be comfortable with me, fucking loser,” says Johanne while expressing her contempt for Broderick. He ignorantly dismisses this as flirtatious banter and smiles as he walks out of the kitchen.

  “Why is your friend always in my face?” asks Johanne of Edner.

  “Friend? I’m only cordial towards him because he’s Junior’s people.”

  “Let me guess, you hate him just as much as Ricardo does?” asks Junior.

  Squinting her eyes, Johanne wonders what Junior is trying to insinuate. Edner chimes in, as only an annoying brother can, “Whenever somebody starts squinting, they’re trying to squeeze a bullshit lie out of their mind. We saw how cozy you and Ricardo were getting.”

  As Johanne and Edner jab at each other with insults, Junior weaves back into a state of nostalgia, with Johanne being the subject of his introspection. Johanne Saint-Louis is the prototypical tom-boy who is the polar-opposite of her mother, Jennifer. She refuses to indulge in anything lavish because her work as a schoolteacher has made her realize empathy makes you wealthier than ego. There’s a stark contrast between the tranquility of Johanne’s personality and her modelesque physical traits; standing 5’11”, fine dark brown-skin adorned with dimples and shoulder-length curly hair that would put the fear of God in Jerry Lorenzo.

  While Johanne and Edner continue their battle of wits, Junior emerges from his latest contemplation and sees his mother, Nadia Michel, and aunt, Tamara Pierre, draw near with pies and cakes.

  “Y’all really went hard with the food for no reason,” says Junior.

  “What is y’all? Don’t talk to me like I’m...how do they say? A nigga in the street,” says Nadia.

  “Went hard? What is that? You a drug-dealer?” asks Tamara.

  Evidently, you’re a drug-dealer whenever you don’t conform to traditional Haitian culture. This interaction sends Junior into a state of reflection as nostalgia wafts through the air like a tote from a recreational marijuana joint. Junior’s mother, Nadia Michel, was born in Haiti and moved to Boston when she was 15-years-old. Apparently, Haitians in America only exist in NYC, Miami, and Boston. Nadia is a dentist whose real goal in life is for Junior to get married and give her a grandchild--not literally, that would be awkward. Junior’s mother is his biggest inspiration, as she instilled her work ethic and humility in him at a young age. Influence notwithstanding, the alcohol running through Junior leads him to embarrassing memories that he can only laugh at now. When he was 9-years-old Junior had the bright idea of emulating everything Ricardo did, which included getting the exact same haircut as him. Ricardo would always get a haircut like the rapper Nas, a skin-tight fade with a crescent moon part. Still, Ricardo being seven years his senior, had more liberty than Junior. When Junior’s mother saw his haircut, she calmly walked him back to the barbershop, instructed the barber to shave his head, and that was that. Junior attempted to cover his bald shame with a durag. But, as you’ve probably already guessed, his mother told him he looked like a drug-dealer, and he had to wear his embarrassment proudly.

  Junior recalls his mother calling his aunt, Tamara Pierre, whenever he was in trouble. His childhood mischief would always be painted as a Class-A felony. Eavesdropping on many conversations between the two, Junior would always try to confront his mother about her exaggerations but would be met with punishment for being, “Andedan pale granmoun. (In grown folks’ business.)” The universal punishment for Haitian children is the dreaded Ajenou, which meant you’d have to kneel in a corner facing the wall for a duration to be determined by the sentencing party. God-forbid Junior would turn around because Ricardo and/or Edner were chastising him for being on Ajenou. He would have time added to his sentence in ten-minute increments. Tatie Tam would put whoever distracted the child on Ajenou in Ajenou themselves--on the opposite side of the same room.

  Nevertheless, after the Ajenou was over, Junior would be met with food because Ajenou wasn’t a means of abuse. The purpose of the punishment was to ensure he had time to think about what he did with the hope being he’d never do it again. Retroactive spoiler: he did it again, multiple times.

  Tatie Tam is Junior’s aunt by marriage, a homemaker, and a world-class chef who only cooks for her family. As much as food is a theme with Haitian people, women aren’t relegated to just food--they are the pillars of Haitian families, and are respected as such. Tatie Tam could have been anything she wanted to be. Still, she chose to be a homemaker and occasional babysitter because family means that much to her. Haitian people don’t care about how they’re related to each other; once you’re family--you’re family forever.

  Junior’s latest mental drift is abruptly ended when Lord Edner asks him to pass one of the rolls of paper towels on top of the refrigerator. “Why do you need a whole roll?” asks Junior. Lord Edner looks around because he can’t believe Junior would have the audacity to question an elder--let alone the great Lord Edner. Junior’s uncle, Emmanuel Pierre, appears out of nowhere and tells Lord Edner to chill out. “Why are you bothering my nephew? Go try to enjoy yourself; have a drink or something.”

  “Pa di m 'kisa pou mwen fè; ti gason sa a derespektan -- tèt koupe papa l!” (Don’t tell me what to do. This kid is disrespectful; he’s exactly like his father!) For all his pompous wannabe dignitary bullshit, Lord Edner is known for never holding his liquor, or tongue, for that matter.

  “Ti fi yo itilize bat nèg sa a nan Ayiti (Girls used to beat him up in Haiti),” says Emmanuel before an angered Junior can react.

  Emmanuel puts his arm around his nephew as they walk outside to the balcony.


  “What’s this guy’s fucking problem, Unc?”

  “He probably has a small penis, so he’s projecting; you know how that goes,” says Emmanuel while holding his pointer finger an inch away from his thumb.

  As they share a laugh, they’re joined by Ricardo, who wouldn’t mind a physical altercation with Lord Edner, “Listen, you know I’ll punch him right in his fucking face.”

  “We all know you’ll punch anyone in the fucking face, maniac,” says Emmanuel with a smile.

  “You’re the one who told us to punch anyone who disrespects us in the face!” proclaims Junior.

  “No! He said to ‘deck’ anyone who disrespected us!” says Ricardo laughing.

  The chuckling comes to a full stop when Emmanuel pulls out 3 Montecristo Línea 1935 Leyenda cigars.

  “You don’t fuck around, Unc,” says Ricardo.

  “I’m Kobe Bryant ready,” retorts Emmanuel--citing Lloyd Banks’ verse on “Beamer, Benz, Or Bentley.” Junior grabs Ricardo by the shoulder and shakes him as they begin laughing uncontrollably at their uncle’s outdated reference.

  There’s a knock on the patio door from inside, it’s Broderick, and he promptly receives a middle finger from Ricardo. Taking heed, he backs away from the glass door with his hands up.

  “Ricardo hates him,” says Junior to Emmanuel.

  “Who doesn’t he hate?”

  “Nah, Unc. I really hate that light-skinned nigga!” “Nephew, you are a light-skinned nigga!”

  “But I have dark-skinned tendencies, so technically I’m brown.”

  “I respect your logic,” says Emmanuel while cackling. Junior takes a puff of his cigar as his mind disappears in the smoke as it forms a cloud of memories of his uncle.

  Emmanuel Pierre is the tough guy younger brother of Junior’s mother, Nadia. He was the only person in the family who came to America with Papa Woody because he was such a troublemaker in Haiti. It’s been speculated that an altercation he had with Haiti Kid of WWE fame is what led to his departure from Haiti. Junior and Ricardo have spent countless hours trying to figure out how and why that fight happened. However, Emmanuel is always coy on the topic. The Haiti Kid saga notwithstanding, Emmanuel always has a story about everything from chance encounters with celebrities to women he’s dated to who his classmates were in Haiti. There’s never been a way to verify or refute these tales because Haitian people tell every story as a matter of fact. Emmanuel isn’t your typical uncle, Haitian or otherwise, because he stays in tune with the latest pop culture news, or at least pretends to. Respect is mandatory in Haitian culture, especially towards older people; however, the same energy doesn’t seem to be kept with uncles. Aunts are always referred to as Tatie (Aunt) plus their name or simply Tatie. Uncles are rarely, if ever, referred to as Mon Oncle (Uncle) and their name or simply Mon Oncle; they’re usually referred to by their forename only. Emmanuel is an exception because of the high regard Junior & Ricardo have for him; they call him Unc or Mannie Fresh, which they mockingly called him as kids, but the nickname has stuck as a term of endearment since. Emmanuel is the one adult Junior feels comfortable being vulgar around. So much so that he uses profanity freely in his presence. In case you were wondering, it’s considered a Class B felony to use profanity in front of Haitian adults.