Worth Every Risk

by Laine, Terri E.

  Violet claps. I set her down and turn to Chase. I crook a finger at him to follow me into the kitchen. I hope he doesn’t go ape shit when I tell him the truth.

  Once we are there, my hands shake. To hide it, I pour two cups of coffee and hand him one.

  “You still like it black, right?”

  He nods.

  “What’s going on, Andi? I know when you’re hiding something. What’s up?”

  I let out a sigh. Over the years I’ve told myself I was doing the right thing. But seeing his questioning eyes, I know I’ve made a colossal mistake. I can’t force out the words, so I start off easy.

  “How are you feeling?”

  His gaze narrows. “Fine.” He speaks as if he’s forcing himself to remain calm. My heart races and I feel slightly lightheaded at the idea of diving into the past. “It’s a little sore, but I’ll live. Now what’s this about? Why did you send Owen away?”

  Despite the impending conversation, I reach up, touch his temple, glide my fingers down his cheek, and over to probe lightly at his nose. I have a feeling he won’t let me near him when our conversation is over. He winces when I touch a sore spot.

  “Sorry, occupational hazard. I need to make sure you’re okay.”

  He snags my hand. When he doesn’t let go, my hearts skips so many beats it’s surprising I remain standing.

  “As much as I enjoy you touching me, I need to know who Owen is before this goes any further.”

  I lick my lips, catching the lower one between my teeth for a second as I try to prepare myself for what’s coming.

  “He’s my neighbor and a friend.”

  “That’s it?” His face brightens and I hold onto that picture. He won’t look that way for long.

  As much as I don’t want to, I pull free of his grasp and turn away. Tears prick the back of my eyes, though I have no right to cry. When I turn, I can see the wheels turning in his expression.

  “When you walked away and went to Europe, I thought that was the end of us,” I begin.

  “Andi, I made so many mistakes. That’s why I’m here.”

  I hold up a finger as he takes a step in my direction.

  “When you left, you didn’t leave me alone.”

  Confusion makes lines form on his beautiful face.

  “What does that mean?”

  I glance over at Violet to make sure she isn’t paying any attention to us. I turn back to find that he’s followed my line of sight. When our eyes meet, I see when the pieces begin to connect for him.

  “I never meant to keep this from you. I thought I was doing the right thing. I even wrote a letter to you I meant to send a thousand times.”

  Every muscle in his body goes stock-still.

  “What are you saying, Andi?”

  He’s put it together, but the frost in his tone means he wants me to say it. Without wasting another breath, I do.

  “Violet’s your daughter.”

  I’m not sure what he will do next. Chase can be the sweetest guy in the world, but he also can freeze people out with a single glare.

  He points a finger at me and narrows his eyes.

  “She’s mine and you kept this from me?”

  His disbelief only heightens the guilt I’ve felt over the years.

  “Honestly, I thought I was doing the right thing.”

  “My daughter?” he repeats.

  “Chase.” I make the mistake of reaching for him, but he takes a huge step back.

  So far, our talk, though fueled with emotions, remains in a conversational tone bordering on whispers at least with his last ragged words.

  “Does Mark know? Your parents?”

  I shake my head.

  “You’ve kept this secret from everyone?”

  Yes, and it’s been eating away at me bit by bit.

  “How could I tell anyone before I told you? That didn’t seem right.”

  “That didn’t seem right?” He laughs, though a humorless one. “But keeping my daughter from me is okay. She’s what, three now?”

  “No, she’s two.”

  “Two years I’ve had a daughter. Here I thought I screwed up by walking away from you, only to find out you’re nothing but a liar.”

  I step forward and plead with him. I hate the way he looks at me now, like I’m a stranger. “Please, I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry doesn’t give me back two years, Andi. Sorry doesn’t even come close.”

  “It’s not like you ever made it a secret that you didn’t want kids,” I blurt. It isn’t fair, but it had been part of my reason for keeping it to myself. “I didn’t want you to give up your career or resent me later because I got pregnant.”

  His lips compress as he shakes his head in bewilderment. “It’s your body. I get that. But I had a right to be in on your plans, assuming she’s mine.”

  I move back, a gasp held in my lungs.

  “Don’t be an asshole, Chase. You know you were the only one.”

  He shakes a finger. “No, I don’t know anything, least of all you. The Andi I knew wouldn’t have kept this from me. I don’t know who you are.”

  I rein in my anger. He has every right to be mad. I’ll give him a pass for that bullshit comment because he’s upset, rightfully so.

  “I deserve that. I get you’re pissed at me. But know this, Chase Wilde. Violet is your daughter. I would never lie about that.”

  He turns to find her. Violet’s in her own world singing to herself while mesmerized by the show. I keep my mouth closed because what else can I say? When he faces me again, it’s as if I’m staring into the face of an alien. All the tenderness is long gone.

  “She called me Dada. Why?”

  Nothing I say will help me in this moment, but he will get only the truth from me going forward.

  “I have a scrapbook with pictures of everyone. She likes to look at it every night before bed. Your picture is in there.”

  He chuckles darkly. “So she knows who I am?”

  I nod.

  “Fan-fucking-tastic. She knows that I haven’t been in her life, that I’ve been a ghost of a father, while I didn’t even know she existed.”

  He pivots before I can answer, making short work of killing the distance between him and the door.

  “Chase, wait!”

  The door is open and the menace on his face stops me.

  “I always knew you were good at keeping secrets. Hell, our family doesn’t know about us. But this … I didn’t think you could keep something like this from me.”

  “If I could do it over—”

  Even when Chase thought Owen was my husband, in my heart I felt that he still cared for me. Looking at him now, it’s as if I never meant a thing to him.

  “What can I say to make this right?”

  “Right?” Another laugh born of pain escapes him. “Honestly, I can’t stand the sight of you right now. But know this, you’ve had two whole years with our daughter. It’s my turn now.”

  Panic fuels my rapid steps in his direction. “What does that mean?”

  The door is almost closed, but I hear him clearly.

  “It means you’ll be hearing from my lawyer.”

  I cover my mouth with my hand as a sob tears through me. Yes, I’ve royally fucked up. But the idea of losing my daughter scares the absolute shit out of me.

  Twelve

  Chase

  Andi’s words keep ringing through my head like a fucking bell. Two years. Two fucking years. Well, longer if you count the pregnancy, and that wasn’t even mentioned. How could she do this? And then she had the nerve to throw in my face how I didn’t want kids. Talk about hitting below the belt.

  Not to mention her talk about doing this for my career. Keeping my child away from me because of my career? Like hell! All this time I thought I was the bad guy for walking away. I always wanted to bring our relationship out in the open, but she insisted on keeping us a secret, so I did it to please her. I would’ve done anything for her. Well, look where it got me. I�
��m the one who ultimately gets my face rubbed in shit.

  I always thought I knew her, knew the type of person she was. Evidently, I was way off-base on that one. The Andi I knew and loved—yes, loved, because all the emotions I had for her were drained out of me when she revealed the truth about Violet—was nothing more than a sham.

  Who am I kidding? I’m beyond pissed the hell off, but my heart aches for her.

  The snow is almost knee-deep as I trudge my way through it, but I don’t give a fuck. My inadequate clothing isn’t enough to ward off the chill, but that’s fine with me. Bring it the fuck on. Even the cold numbing my cheeks is a blessing. I need numb. It’s a necessity to get me through the next hours. How the fuck will I make it through until I can get the hell out of here? There has never been a time in my life when I felt this much anger toward one human being, and to think she’s the mother of my child. Jesus C, I’m a father. A damn father.

  That little sweet-faced girl is mine. MINE and I’ve missed everything in her life.

  I stop and lean against a building, forcing myself to breathe. This is so fucked up. How the hell did I even get to this point? This was supposed to be a nice little trip, where I showed up on Andi’s doorstep, told her I fucked up when I left, that I loved her, and then everything would be cool. She was my one. But now look at me. I’m gutted, shattered. My emotions are a goddamn train wreck.

  Forcing myself to keep moving so my stupid feet don’t get frostbite, I eventually see my street up ahead. When I get to my rental, I’m to the point when I practically have to drag my feet to walk.

  Wouldn’t my football fans be proud of me now? Shit. I rip off my clothes and take a hot shower, careful not to get my face wet. I’m not even sure if I’m supposed to get that shit checked again. I’ll take a look at it when I get out of the shower. Once I’m warmed up, I turn off the hot water. The bathroom is so steamy, I have to wipe the mirror to see. My nose is definitely broken. Not the first time it’s happened, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. I do a little poking and prodding to find it’s not too bad. Then I pull on some clothes and call the only person I know who can help.

  “Fletcher, I need you.”

  My brother is the one person I trust even over my friends or any of my teammates.

  “What’s up, Chase? You don’t sound so good.”

  “No, I’m not good at all. In fact, I can’t remember a time when I’ve felt this … fucked up. How much time do you have, because this may take a while.”

  “I have all the time you need. I’m free. Shoot.”

  I begin with the real reason I came to Chicago and everything that transpired up to this morning. When I get to the part about Andi telling me about Violet, he interrupts me.

  “So, wait. What you’re saying is Andi has a kid?”

  “Yeah, a daughter named Violet.”

  “Holy shit.”

  “You’d better sit down,” I tell him.

  “I am. Go on. But, man, I can’t believe she has a kid. And two years old at that. No one knows either. How the hell did she pull that off?”

  “No idea. But that’s not why I’m calling. See, as I said earlier, Andi was my girl, right? Well, Violet is my daughter.”

  Fletcher doesn’t say anything for a while.

  “Fletch? You there?”

  “Uh, yeah. Your daughter? Violet is your daughter?”

  “Yeah. Imagine my shock. Andi never told me and I’m so furious right now. She totally fucked me over. I swear I could put both fists through a concrete wall right now. And the fucked up thing about it is I still love her, but I don’t know what to do.” Then I go into Andi’s excuses of why she never told me. “I don’t even give a shit about all her justifications. I want to be a father to my kid. Which means I’ll probably have to go for custody because I’ve been cheated out of two years with her.”

  “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, Chase.”

  “Exactly.”

  “You have a two-year-old daughter. Holy shit. What are you going to do?”

  “It’s why I’m calling. I need you, man. I need your advice. Like I said, she’s my kid too, but I don’t think Andi will let her go to Italy with me.”

  “You mean you’d go for total custody?” Fletcher asks. His voice tells me he isn’t one hundred percent on board with that.

  “I don’t have a choice. I want my two years back. She fucked me out of them, Fletch.”

  “But, dude, she’s her mother. You can’t pull a kid away from her mother like that. Especially if she’s a good mom, and I’m sure Andi is.”

  “Are you? Then why didn’t she tell me? She even has a scrapbook of pictures and shows Violet, so my daughter called me Dada. She thinks I’m some kind of an absentee dad.”

  “Okay, let’s think about this logically. You don’t think you can work something out with her.”

  “I’m so fucking mad right now I can’t see straight. She lied to me. The Andi I’ve loved all my life would never lie to me. How can I trust her?”

  “Okay, I get you going for custody. But go for joint or shared. Not total. That’s just wrong, brother.”

  “And her keeping this from me isn’t wrong? I’m not sure if I should love her or hate her or somewhere in the middle.

  “Chase, you going after total custody is you trying to get revenge against Andi, but who’s it really going to hurt in the end?”

  Though I know where he’s going with this, I blurt, “Andi.” I am emphatic about this.

  I know it’s a knee jerk reaction. But I want her to hurt as much as I am and that’s wrong, but it’s how I feel at the moment.

  “No, you dumbass. It’s going to hurt your daughter. And trust me. After you form a bond with her, you would never in a million years want to do anything to hurt that kid. Taking her away from her mother would damage her.”

  “Fuck. Goddammit. I know your right.”

  “And what will you do with Violet when you have her? You travel with soccer.”

  “Football.”

  “Whatever. Are you going to take her to Italy with you? Who will keep her? Will you hire a nanny? And is a nanny better than her own mother? There’s so much to think about.”

  My brother poses a ton of things I haven’t begun to process.

  “Did I mention she has a guy who’s more of a father to my daughter than me?”

  He’s silent for a second. “Chase.”

  “No, never mind. I get it. I just want to be there for Violet and you’re making this whole fatherhood thing very complicated.”

  “Listen, I’m not saying not to go for some type of custody arrangement, but you need to do what’s best for your little girl and not think about how Andi hurt you. It has to be difficult, I’m sure, but seriously, if you do this the right way and don’t use her as a pawn, she’ll grow to love you and not hate you. Whatever you do, do not pull her away from her mom.”

  “Shit. I didn’t think of that. I’m glad I called. Hey, don’t tell Mom and Dad about this. I don’t mind you sharing this with Cassie, but please keep it between the two of you, at least for now.”

  “Sure, and if you need to talk to Cassie about motherhood advice, I’m sure she’d be glad to help.”

  “Thanks.”

  “And, Chase, for what it’s worth, I’m really happy for you. Being a dad is awesome. There is nothing like it in the world.”

  After we hang up, I sit and ponder our conversation. The first thing I need to do is talk to Andi again. I also need to figure out my career. Having a kid changes things drastically. Going back to Europe will make it considerably more difficult to see Violet. If I play here, it would be easier, even though it’s a ton less lucrative. I’ve saved and invested my money wisely. I could stop playing entirely and be fine, if it came to that. Maybe even coach if I had to. It’s time to realign my priorities.

  My first order of business is to call the airlines and change the reservation I have. Then I call Max to explain the situation.

  “Chase, are you still under
the snow?”

  “Sort of. Something’s come up. It’s personal. I’m not sure when I’ll be leaving.”

  “What? You can’t do that.”

  “I have to.”

  “Germany has been knocking down my door.”

  “I need you to hold them off for me, Max.”

  He blows out a breath so long I can almost feel it in my ear. “You don’t leave me with much choice, do you?”

  “Not any. Just know it’s a family issue. Tell my coach it can’t be helped.”

  “If I didn’t know you so well, I’d drop you.”

  “I know. Thanks, Max.”

  Now I’m left to my toxic thoughts, although they’re not nearly as bad as when I left Andi. Fletcher’s conversation helped immensely. There is still a hole in my heart that plunges to the depths of my soul. It’s something awful to discover the person you always thought you knew, the one you loved for so long, could betray you the way Andi did. I simply cannot wrap my head around why she didn’t tell me. Yeah, I love football. It’s my career. But she always knew how I felt about her.

  Or did she? Did I not make myself clear to her? I thought I did, but it was so long ago, maybe I didn’t. God, I loved her, was so in love with her. How could she throw those feelings aside so callously and think a stupid career would take precedence over her and our child? Did she think I’d be so cold-hearted? If the answer is yes, then I have some serious work to do on myself as a human being.

  I punch in Andi’s number. Better to have this discussion now, rather than later. When she answers, I say, “Hey, we need to talk.”

  “Chase,” she answers reluctantly.

  “No angry talk.”

  “But you just left not too long ago.”

  “Right. That was angry talk. I’ve had time to think and speak to Fletcher.”

  “What? You told someone?”

  “Andi, let’s get one thing straight. This isn’t going to stay a secret anymore. But I asked him not to tell my parents yet and he won’t.” When she doesn’t say anything, I continue. “He made me realize a few things. One, my career. I have to make some decisions on that. Two, we need to be parents to our child. Not you or me, but the two of us. We need to do what’s best for Violet. What you did was fucked up to the core. I’m not gonna lie. But, if I take her from you, is having her raised by a nanny the best thing for her? There are so many questions pinging around in my head. I know the answer to one, and that is I want to get to know my daughter. Missing out on two years was too much. I will not miss out on any more. So either we work together on this or we work against each other, but I will be a part of her life. Are we clear?”