The Perfection of Love

by J. L. Monro

  We sat and watched Sunday TV for a few hours. Joe was taking Jakey to school Monday morning so I didn’t have to rush home. The loud banging on the door made us both jump.

  “You expecting someone?” Lana shook her head. She slowly got up to go to the door.

  “Is she here?” Deacon. I heard the door bang against the wall.

  “Why hello to you too Deacon. So nice to see you again. Come in why don’t you. Make yourself at home. No, no. You’re not interrupting me or anything. Me and my harem of men will make some space and get out of your way.” Sarcasm laced every one of Lana’s words.

  “Not now Lana.” Deacon roared and Lana actually stopped in her tracks. I’d peeped around the corner to see what was happening and when Deacon caught sight of me, he headed straight for me. I couldn’t tell whether he was angry or happy to see me. His face held a mass of emotions that were in conflict with each other. I turned to run but I wasn’t fast enough. Deacon caught me by the arm and scooped me off the floor. I shrieked.

  “Deacon put me down. Now.” I was thumping his chest but it was having no effect.

  He stopped to talk to Lana, “Lana, your sister is in no danger from me but we need to have a talk right now and we don’t need an audience. If she still won’t talk to me after I’ve said my piece I will bring her back and not a moment before.” He walked past her out the house towards his car that was parked somewhat haphazardly.

  “How romantic!” Lana fake swooned and went back inside the house. Traitorous bitch!

  Deacon placed me carefully but firmly into the passenger seat and then buckled me in. I guess that was his way of telling me I wasn’t going anywhere. He slammed the door shut so hard I thought the glass might break and I jumped. Deacon looked down at me and his face softened but he walked quickly round to his side and got into the car. He sped off to his flat and didn’t talk to me the whole time. Not for a lack of me trying.

  “Deacon take me home now.” Silence “Deacon I don’t want to talk to you, so can you take me home please?” More silence.

  “Deacon I’m not mad at you. Let’s just be professional about this.” That earned me a quick angry side glance but still more silence. I gave up and sat back for the rest of the journey looking out of the window. Two could play the silence game. I grew up in a house full of females. He stood no chance against my skills.

  Deacon took my hand to lead me out the car. I was about to tell him not to touch me but remembered that would break our silence match. I pulled my hand out of his to make the statement that I was walking of my own free will. He turned back and looked down at our now separated hands. I thought he was going to speak but instead he took my hand back, interlocked our fingers and carried on walking. He didn’t let go the whole time until we got inside the flat. Only then did he let go and that was to pull out a chair from the dining table and make me sit on it by pushing me down with both his hands on my shoulders.

  “Right, are you ready to listen to me?” I turned my face away from him and folded my arms. Mature. I know.

  “Fine. Well I’m going to talk anyway and you’re going to listen. First of all you should have let me know that you were going home with Lana last night. I was out of my mind worrying that you’d run off and got yourself hurt or worse. I went to your grandparent’s house but they hadn’t seen you and it’s only by chance that Colin called me and I managed to get Lana’s address out him. Dana what you saw last night isn’t what you think. Miranda came on to me. I didn’t come on to her and there was definitely nothing going on between us. I know what you saw and how it must have looked. I even know how lame what I’m saying sounds but it’s the truth. I don’t know whether she was as drunk as she was making out or it was all planned but she had been trying to get her way with me all night. I was trying to let her down gently but she’s quite aggressive in her approach. It’s not like I could tell her that I’m with you and therefore never going to be interested in her. You won’t let anyone know that we’re seeing each other so what am I supposed to say?” I still wasn’t looking at him. “Damn it Dana.” He slammed his fist against the wall and I couldn’t stop the squeak that escaped me. I had automatically ducked and put my head in my hands in a protective position. I knew that Deacon would never hurt me but old habits die hard. Deacon’s fingers pulled my arm away and lifted my chin so that I had no choice but to look at him. The moment my eyes met his the tears began to fall. Deacon wiped the first drops away and as more followed he kissed each one. When I began to sob he held me close and stroked my hair. The soothing motion made the tears begin to subside but I couldn’t bear to look at him. I’d cried because of him and Miranda, I’d cried because I’d been so weak with Mitchell and I still wasn’t over it and I cried because all of it put together was just too much for me and it hurt so bad. “Dana, what did he do to you? You jumped. I frightened you. Dana I would never put my hands on you. Ever. I’d sooner hurt myself. Please talk to me.” The tears came back with a vengeance. “Dana, I really want you to hear what I’m about to say to you. Can you at least shake your head so I know you’re listening?” I shook my head against his chest. “Dana, this isn’t the way I wanted to tell you but I want you to know something.” Oh God what was he about to say. He’s married? With three kids? He’s now gay? “Dana, I don’t know if you’re ready to hear this but after last night I need to tell you that I love you.” I looked up at him now. “I love you like I’ve never loved anyone in my life. I can’t bear to be apart from you. When I leave you in the mornings all I want is to be right back by your side in the next minute. When I think that you might not feel the same I can’t breathe because I don’t know what I would do if you truly didn’t want me. When this project that we’re working on is finished I don’t want to go back to LA. I want to stay here with you or if you want we could move with Jakey. I’d do whatever you wanted to do just so you’re always by my side.”

  I couldn’t lift my head off of his chest. I knew I really needed to say something but I couldn’t find the words. I couldn’t even look at him. I felt like there were mini elephants on my chest and I couldn’t breathe. I was hot and the walls suddenly felt a lot closer than they were before. Shit. I was having a panic attack.

  “Deacon you need to leave the room.” I couldn’t look up so I don’t know how he took the first thing to come out of my mouth. I pushed him back so I could put my head between my knees. My breathing was already erratic. “Deacon, I’m having a panic attack you need to leave the room so I can calm down.” He hesitated for a second and then I felt him move away and heard the door to his dining room shut. It took me several minutes to calm down but when I did I still needed to get out of the flat. Deacon knocked the door and stuck his head through.

  “Are you ok?” I nodded shakily. “I didn’t know what to do for you so I made you tea. The English love their tea right?” He looked adorable and then I remembered exactly what he’d said which had induced the panic attack. I had these whenever situations happened that I couldn’t control and were happening to fast.

  “Deacon I need to go home. Last night. What you just said. I can’t cope with it all at once. I need some time on my own without you and definitely without Lana and copious amounts of booze.” Deacon’s shoulders slumped and wanted to reach out to him but I just couldn’t.

  “Ok, baby.”

  Deacon drove me home without protest and the car was filled with silence once again. This time it was awkward. He dropped me off at Lana’s as I had no keys with me when he took me earlier, and kissed me on the cheek before he said goodbye. I think he took my heart with him because as soon as he left I was aching to be with him.

  The front door swung open and I was confronted with Lana’s beaming and immaculate face. You’d never think just a few hours ago she had the mother of all hangovers.

  “So, did you sort it out? I told you he wasn’t a cheater.” She was gloating.

  “Lana just leave it right now ok.” I pushed past her and headed upstairs, not giving her the chan
ce to continue the conversation. I crashed out on her bed and didn’t wake for several hours. Deacon had my heart and I needed to confront my demons and tell him how I felt. I needed to start with why I’d been dragging my heels in our relationship.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  I had tried to think of several excuses to not go into work but had come up empty. I needed to face the music and more importantly face Deacon. I’d gone over the situation at the ball a thousand times, replaying everything. Lana was right I hadn’t seen anything concrete when I had seen Deacon and Miranda together. Deacon’s version of events were completely plausible. It then came down to did I trust him.

  My office door was locked which meant that Deacon wasn’t in yet. It was unusual for me to come in to work before him. I got myself sorted and realized I was missing something. My morning coffee that Deacon always brought me. I fought back the tears that were threatening again. My heart felt like it was tearing slowly in two. A man couldn’t do the things that Deacon did and make me feel the way he had if he didn’t care for me. In that moment I realized that I did trust him and I wanted him here so I could tell him right now. I dug out my mobile and called his number but it went straight to answer phone. I tried several times over the following hours but he never called me back. Maybe Deacon was avoiding me. I couldn’t blame him. I blew hot and cold. Drew him in and pushed him away all in the same breath. I put my head in my hands and tried to rub away the growing migraine.

  I didn’t notice when Colin came into my office until he tapped on my desk. His expression was morose. Something was wrong. It was Deacon. He wasn’t coming back. I chucked away any hope that I had of us working things out. The tears were right on the edge now.

  “Dana, I don’t know if you’ve heard but I thought I best come and tell you as soon as I found out the news. It’s about Deacon.” Oh God he really wasn’t coming back. I’d pushed him too far. Me and my messed up head and chased away the one real chance of happiness that I’d ever had. “He was involved in a hit and run last night. He’s in hospital unconscious at the moment. I believe it’s an induced coma.”

  “Oh my God. When did this happen? Have his parents been told?” I could barely speak. Deacon was hurt. I needed to go to him.

  “His parents have been called. I believe they are on their way over from America.”

  “Colin can I leave? I don’t want him to be alone in there in case he wakes up.” I was already packing my things. The question was more out of habitual politeness. I wasn’t really asking his permission.

  “Of course Dana. If he wakes please send him my best wishes. We all hope he gets better.” He wrote down the details of the hospital that Deacon was in then gave me a small nod and turned to leave.

  I gave Joe a call and asked him to pick up Jakey from school and look after him until I got home. Luckily he didn’t have any clients but I knew that Mara could help if it came down to it. When I arrived at the hospital I didn’t know where to go. Everyone was running around left and right and moving past me as though I was invisible. I walked up to the desk where one of the nurses sat at the station. When she had finished her phone call she finally looked up at me.

  “Can I help you?” I had been expecting her to be rude and short but she was nice and her tone was sympathetic.

  “I’m looking for Deacon Greenwood. I’m his girlfriend.” The irony wasn’t lost on me that the first time I acknowledged that I was Deacons girlfriend or even wanted to be his girlfriend was when he was at deaths door.

  “Let me just take a look. Ah. Here he is. He’s on ward twenty seven room eight. Just follow the corridor all the way down and take a left”.

  “Thank you.” I followed the nurse’s directions and found Deacons room with little difficulty. Deacon was in a room on his own. The room was bare with monitors beeping everywhere. He didn’t look like my Deacon. This wasn’t the Deacon who would pick me up like I weighed nothing or argue with me just to get me worked up so he could tell me how cute I looked. The Deacon who was always bouncing in his seat because he hated keeping still. His left leg was in a cast and his arms looked scraped and bruised. His face didn’t have much damage. Just a few abrasions and his eyes looked slightly swollen. I took the chair that was under the window and brought to the side of the bed. I sat and gently took Deacons hand in my own and held it to my lips.

  “Deacon. Baby. Please wake up. Wake up for me.” I could barely speak over the lump in my throat. What if he didn’t wake up? What if I never got to tell him how I felt about him? I’d have no one to blame but myself. “Deacon, I love you and I need you to wake up for me now. I need to tell you how much of an idiot I’ve been. You need to know how much I love you. If you wake up I promise I won’t hide that we’re together and I’ll take that leap and give myself to you just please don’t leave me like this.” I rested my head lightly on his arm and silently prayed that he would wake up.

  “Do you pinky swear?” Came a croaky voice next to me. I whipped my head up to see Deacons hazels eyes peering at me.

  “You woke up!” I covered his body with mine and hugged him.

  “Baby, it’s not that I’m not happy to see you but I’ve got cracked ribs here and you’re not helping them heal right now.”

  Shit. I’d forgotten he was injured. “Deacon, I’m so sorry.” Wait a minute. “How do you know you’ve got cracked ribs?” Deacon now looked sheepish.

  “Ummmmm the doctors may have woken me up a few hours ago and told me.”

  Hold up. “So you heard everything I just said? You were pretending to be asleep?” I was getting a little pissed now.

  “Ummmmm, I wasn’t pretending.” He was struggling to turn and face me so I pushed him flat onto his back and stood so he could see me. “I was asleep but when you came I heard you start to cry and then you started talking and I wanted to hear what you had to say. So really I was just being polite and just let you finish.”

  He was such an arrogant prick sometimes. “You know you’re….”

  “The man of your dreams. Yeah. I know. Glad you’ve finally realized it. Now give me a kiss. I got into a fight with a car and lost.” He was trying to cover up how much pain he was in but I could tell. I moved closer so he didn’t strain anymore to reach me and kissed him lightly. I didn’t know how hurt his face was and I was trying to make sure I didn’t put any of my body weight on his. Deacon growled and I felt his arm come round me and pull me closer into him. When I leaned back he was smirking. “Totally worth the pain.”

  I sat with Deacon for the next hour while he explained what had happened. After he dropped me off at Lana’s he went straight back home to his flat. He parked his car in the underground car park and was making his way to lift. He said he heard a car behind him but at that point it was driving slowly so he paid no attention to it. All of a sudden the tires screeched and the car drove straight for him. He had a second to dive out of the way but it wasn’t enough and the car hit his side. The police told him when he woke that they had found the car burned out in an empty warehouse parking lot but the car was unregistered and CCTV hadn’t caught who was driving. Basically they had no idea where to look. Deacon was here on a business trip. There was no way he could have generated himself an enemy like that in such a short space of time. However the police and I thought that this was a very personal crime which sent shudders down my spine. The idea of Deacon being in danger left me cold. Deacon was tired after telling me what happened so I told him to get some sleep and I would visit him again in the morning. I kissed him goodbye and in the time it had taken me to bend down and back up again he had already fallen into a deep slumber. I watched him sleep for a few minutes before I left. He looked so peaceful and beautiful. Like an angel.

  When I got home Joe had made dinner. He and Jakey were sitting in the living room eating what looked and smelled like fisherman’s pie.

  “Hi boys. You okay?” I flung my bag on the sofa and started to take off my shoes. I was knackered.

  “Hi Mum.” Jakey didn’t lo
ok at me when I said this and when I saw what was on the TV I realized why. WWE. God I hated that shit. The house could be on fire and if WWE was on, Jakey was still not going to move. Luckily Joe wasn’t so engrossed and he got up and followed me into the kitchen.

  “Jakey and I got some supplies and knocked up a pie for dinner. I didn’t expect you back so soon.” Joe had already begun dishing up for me. He was Mills’ brother but he felt like he had been mine as well for most of my life. He took care of Jakey and I when Saz and Mills couldn’t be around or just couldn’t help and I would be forever grateful to him for that alone.

  “So how’s Deacon?” Joe turned his head over his shoulder to ask me but never stopped what he was doing.

  “He’s pretty broken and bruised but he’s awake. I sat with him for a while but he fell asleep. I said I’d visit him tomorrow morning.”

  “Do you want me to have Jakey again so you don’t have to worry about getting back? I pretty much keep all my appointments to school or evening hours anyway so that I can be around to help you. Mills is usually back home by 6:30 so we can tag team and she can do the bedtime routine till you get back.” Joe had to be the kindest person I knew. He had rearranged his life just to be there as a safety net for me. I walked up to him and hugged him tightly.