The Perfection of Love

by J. L. Monro

  Over the next few weeks Jakey and I saw Mitchell every Tuesday and Thursday after school. After a while the meetings became less uncomfortable and I found myself almost enjoying the time. I guess it made me think of how it should have been with Mitchell. How I had wanted things to be between us. We still went to public places such as parks and museums as I was definitely not comfortable with going back to where Mitchell now lived. He had sold his house when he went to prison and now that he was out he was living in a flat that wasn’t that far from where I lived. Something I really didn’t want him to know.

  Things at home were not great though. Deacon now had the cast off of his leg and was able to get around by himself. He had said he was going to move back into his flat but I had got used to having him stay with us so every time he brought up the subject I had an excuse as to why he needed to stay a bit longer. The excuses ranged from needing time to explain to Jakey that he would no longer be staying with us now his cast was off, to I didn’t have time to help him move his stuff back to his place. If that didn’t work I resorted to the best underhand technique every woman had in her arsenal. Getting on her knees, undoing your man’s trousers and sucking like your life depends on it.

  The fact that Jakey and I were spending time with Mitchell was grating on him. He believed he was up to something. As far as Deacon was concerned a leopard didn’t change its spots. While to some extent I agreed with him I kept telling him he was forgetting the bigger picture which was Jakey having a relationship with his dad.

  “Every time you come back from seeing him, you’ve got the biggest smile on your face I’ve ever seen. You enjoy playing happy families?” He shouted.

  “First of all keep your voice down. Jakey is upstairs. Second of all, that’s bullshit. You know I only go to support Jakey and in any case as of next week Jakey’s going to be staying overnight with his dad on the weekends. Mitchell will be picking him up from school and I won’t need to be there. Can you just get it out of your head that we are playing happy families. It’s a means to an end and it’s going to be better as of next week. Stop stressing, please?” Deacon sighed.

  “I just don’t like it. The two of you have got a connection that I haven’t got with you. He can be the biggest ass and treat you like shit but he’ll always have an in into your life and there’s nothing I can do about it.” He looked beaten and my heart went out to him so my body followed and I wrapped my arms around him.

  “We may have Jakey together but he broke and lost my heart a long time ago and you came along not taking no for an answer and picked up the pieces, you mended my heart and now it belongs to you and only you. There’s no crack for him to slither his way through because I love you Deacon.” I kissed him on his lips and across his jaw and after that, I guess what I said reassured him because we didn’t do any talking after that but we did express some more feelings.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  If I thought that was the end of our arguments then I was sadly mistaken. The worst was yet to come. Mitchell was doing security work at night clubs around the city, which meant that he was around during the daytime to pick Jakey up from school. This worked out for me as it meant I could stay at work and catch up on what Deacon and I had missed and got behind on, so after a few weeks of meeting at the coffee shop I allowed Mitchell to do the afternoon school run. However this meant that Mitchell dropped Jakey off to my house some evenings after they had dinner together, which Deacon did not see as necessary and an additional threat to our safety.

  “Why has he got to drop him here? I don’t like him knowing where you live and it’s not me that he attacked. How are you so comfortable with it? Why can’t you pick him up or I go and get him or even arrange to meet him at a halfway point?” Deacon was repeating himself for the third time this week, which always led to the next argument. I knew his argument came from a place of love but it was starting to piss me off that he thought he could dictate the decisions I made.

  “It makes my life easier if he drops him here and you can’t go and pick him up. They need to develop their own relationship, Deacon. I’m so tired of going through this over and over again. Just let it go. You know he doesn’t know you and he doesn’t know I’m dating and I don’t want to cause an argument if I don’t have to.” Which led to….

  “We’re in a fucking relationship! We’re together. What’s the fucking problem? You’re more worried about upsetting your violent ex than the statement you’re making by hiding our relationship. Again. When we were first seeing each other I understood why you wanted to be cautious but now you’re reverting back to the same old behavior because of him. I’m not going to play like I’m some dirty secret, hiding in the shadows so I don’t upset your ex.” I would be surprised if the whole of the university hadn’t heard the arguments in our office. Deacon refused to talk to me for the rest of the day apart from the odd grunt or nod of his head. While it upset me that he couldn’t understand my position or even talk to me calmly about it, I was glad that the arguing had stopped. I couldn’t cope with the confrontation although the hostility was only a mild improvement. I understood his position, I really did. For once this was not about me putting up a barrier to our relationship, well, not intentionally anyway.

  The next day we had driven to work in separate cars as we had also argued about the same topic this morning. Once again I was thankful for small mercies, as I didn’t fancy driving home in awkward silence. I had planned to talk to Deacon though, properly. We couldn’t continue with the arguing. I didn’t want Jakey to pick up on the bad vibes between us and the reality of the situation was that if we couldn’t sort things out right now, then it might be best that he moved back to his flat until we did. If we did. Once I got home I waited for Mitchell to drop Jakey off. I heard the gate open before I heard the bell so I got up to answer the door. Mitchell always saw Jakey to the door.

  “What’s wrong Dana?” Mitchell looked genuinely concerned.

  “Nothing Mitchell, just tired. Was everything okay getting Jakey from school?”

  “Yeah. No problems as usual. Jacob go inside a minute while I talk to your mum. I’ll pick you up tomorrow. Make sure you get your homework done before you play any games.” Jakey gave his dad a hug said goodbye and went inside.

  “Come on Dana. Despite what you might think I know you. I know when something’s wrong. Is it something to do with that bloke your seeing?” I raised my eyebrows. How did he know about Deacon? I had asked Jakey not to tell his dad about anything that happens or who comes and goes at home. “Jakey told me ages ago. It wasn’t my business to bring it up.” That was my own fault. How the hell did I expect a child to keep my secret? He took my hand and stroked the back of my hand. After a second I took it back.

  “It’s nothing to do with Deacon, Mitchell.” This time he took a strand of my hair that had come loose from my ponytail and began to twirl it around his finger. I hadn’t realized he’d come so close. Normally my alarm bells ring when he’s too near to me. This closeness was familiar but it didn’t feel right. It was wrong. It wasn’t Mitchell that I wanted here being intimate like this with.

  “You’re an amazing person Dana. Don’t forget that. I never told you enough and that’s my regret to live with.” He started to lean in and I don’t know why I didn’t move but I let him kiss me. It was chaste and noninvasive. It was like the way Mitchell used to kiss me when I was just a teenager. Before things changed, before he changed. Like that I woke up and pulled away but not before I heard a familiar engine tear away from in front of the house. Deacon.

  “No. No. No. No. No.” I pushed past Mitchell and ran through the gate. I saw the tail of his Porshe stop at the end of the road and then take a hard right. “What have I done?” I ran back to the house. “Mitchell you need to go.” I shut the door before he could answer. I picked up my phone and phoned everyone. No one was answering their phone. Finally Lana picked up.

  “You’ve reached your favourite sexiest sister. How may I be of assistance?” Not no
w Lana.

  “Lana, help me.” I was in tears. What was I going to do?

  “What the hell is going on?” Lana, had thankfully become serious now that she could hear the distress shooting down the phone from me.

  “I. Deacon. Oh shit, Lana.” I couldn’t speak. My throat was clogged. My thoughts were racing. I didn’t know what to do first.

  “Take a breath Dana. I’m on my way to yours, getting in the car now. Talk to me.”

  “Mitchell kissed me after he dropped Jakey off and Deacon saw. He just sped off Lana. I hesitated for a second but I didn’t initiate the kiss. I don’t know what happened. I need to talk to him. Can you come and watch Jakey for me please?” I was a sobbing wreck. I was trying to be quiet so that Jakey wouldn’t hear but it hurt so bad. I had hurt Deacon.

  “Shit. That’s a fuck up. I’m coming Dana. Give me thirty minutes. I’m not far.” She hung up and I began pacing until she arrived.

  The moment she knocked the door I swung it open, gave her a quick brief on Jakey who had done his homework like his dad had told him to and was now playing in his room. All she needed to do was feed him and get him ready for bed. I ran as fast as I could to my car. It seemed to take forever to get to Deacons flat but he wasn’t there. I didn’t know where else he would be so I waited. Mitchell had tried to call me several times but he was the last person I wanted to speak to so I kept declining the calls hoping he would take the hint.

  Deacon finally turned up two hours later. I saw him look in my direction at the car and keep walking. I quickly got out of my car and shut the door to run and catch up to him. He had just got to the lift and was waiting for it to come down when I caught up to him.

  “Deacon, that wasn’t what you think. What you saw, it wasn’t how it seemed. He kissed me. I didn’t kiss him.” He had his back to me. I touched his shoulder and he recoiled from me. The motion hurt more than a slap to the face. “Deacon please?” I begged. I stepped in front of him and my heart tore in two and shattered. He had tears streaming down his face. I looked at him and I could no longer breathe.

  “Are you happy now Dana? This is what you wanted wasn’t it. Mitchell treated you like shit and you needed to take it out on someone else. Did you want me to feel what you felt? Is that it? I’m as broken as you were. I gave you my heart and now you can return it back to me in pieces. I knew something was going on between the two of you and you tried to make me believe I was imagining it all but I wasn’t was I? Were the two of you laughing behind my back? Laughing at how stupid I was to have faith in your honesty. Believing that you really loved me. Were you waiting for him to come back all this time? Was I just something to fill the time Dana? Or maybe you never really wanted me. You were just too weak to tell me outright that you didn’t want to be with me.” He had fisted his hands in his hair and was pulling at the strands. I could physically see his inner turmoil.

  “Deacon, it wasn’t like that. Not even close. Just let me explain. I love you. Only you. I never loved Mitchell half as much as I love you. I never will.” He put his hand up to silence me.

  “Save it Dana.” He roared. “I’ve had enough of your lies. Just go. I’ll send someone to pick up my things. I don’t want to see you again. I’ve wasted enough of my time chasing you and being with you. I’m not doing it anymore. I don’t want to hear any more of your lies or be taken in with your deception. I don’t need to be in the office to continue our work. You can contact me by email.”

  I didn’t know what to say. The lift arrived and he got in. He didn’t look at me once before the door shut. I moved to follow him. “Just don’t. I don’t want to talk any more Dana. I’ve had more than enough of you.” I continued forward anyway and stood in the doorway so it couldn’t shut. I was half scared they would crush me but I needed him to listen to me.

  “Deacon, would you just hear me out. Listen to what I’m telling you. You’ve got it all wrong and you’re going to walk away from me without even giving me a chance. What happened to you telling me that you would always be there for me, and you wouldn’t leave? You’re going against your word. You promised me.” I was screaming in desperation.

  He stepped towards me and smoothed my hair that had fallen into my face out of the way. I thought I had finally gotten through to him but then he placed his hands on my shoulders and kissed my forehead just before pushing me away from the lift. I barely heard him whisper as the doors closed. “Tell Jacob, I said goodbye.”

  I slumped to the floor as my legs gave way and began to cry hysterically. He’d left me. Deacon was no longer in my life and there was nothing I could do about it. I sat there on the floor with my back against the wall next to lift for what felt like forever with my head on my knees and my eyes squeeze shut. I felt a jacket come round my shoulders and whipped my head up hoping to see Deacon, praying that he had changed his mind. It was Tara instead.

  “Lana sent me to come and check if you needed any help. Come on Dana, let’s get you home you can’t sit here forever. It’ll be better in the morning.”

  It didn’t feel better in the morning. That was a damn lie. It felt worse. Much worse. I felt hollow inside and everything in me was missing Dr. Deacon Greenwood.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  I didn’t see Deacon again. He sent some guy to the house to pack his stuff and bring it to him. I was still holding on to the hope that he would come for his things himself so I would get another chance to plead with him. He told Colin that an emergency had come up and he need to go back to his practice straight away. At least he had been gracious enough not to divulge the details of our failed relationship to him. The first two weeks I was a walking zombie. I put on a brave face for Jakey but the moment he left for school I would break down. I just felt so lost without Deacon. He had been the best thing to enter my life since Jakey and I had fucked up and destroyed it all. The smallest hesitation and taken away the man I loved. I blamed myself for being weak, I blamed Mitchell for coming back and I even blamed Deacon for not believing me and trusting me. It didn’t make me feel better. I was hollow.

  I had heard Miranda gloating several times that I’d lived up to my ice maiden title and surpassed it by running Deacon off. I didn’t have the energy to argue with her normally but today was different.

  “So I heard that he wanted to taste some British delight and ice maiden Daniels kept holding out and until he decided that he wasn’t going to play her games anymore and moved back to LA. If he’d wanted a real woman all he had to do was finish off what we started at the university ball but no he went after Miss frigid ice pole.”

  Miranda was around the corner I was about to turn and I decided that this time I was going to confront the bitch.

  “Miranda, a word?!” I didn’t wait for her to respond. I took her by the hand and led her into an empty lecture room. I spun her through the door and slammed her against a wall. “Listen hear you little skank. You choose to drop your knickers for everyone here in this university that is your business. I really couldn’t give a shit if you want to be the university’s communal bicycle but the next time I hear you talking shit about me again I’m going to make sure no man wants to touch you ever again. Are we clear?” She nodded shakily and I slammed my fist next to her head and stormed off. It felt good to release some of the anger I had pent up. Mara wasn’t the only one who had a temper when pushed. Apart from that drama with Miranda, I came to work and went through the motions before coming home to do the same.

  Mitchell had stepped up his efforts to get me back once he knew Deacon was no longer around. He sent flowers and other token gifts he knew that I normally loved liked vintage jewelry. I sent it all back. All I wanted was Deacon. The only thing that came to mind when I saw the flowers was that Mitchell didn’t know what flowers I liked. He bought every kind but the ones I actually liked. In how many years he’d never noticed what flowers I liked. He never took the time to pay attention to the small details.

  One afternoon I was working from home when I heard a car pull up out
side. My heart instantly called out for Deacon and my head couldn’t keep up because my body was already running to the door. It was Mitchell.

  “Mitchell what are you doing here? Jakeys at school. You know this. You can’t just turn up here uninvited. Last time I checked, we don’t live together” He had more flowers. He offered them to me but I didn’t take them. I wished he would leave me the hell alone. It was past irritating now.

  “I wanted to talk to you without Jakey here. I’m sorry, I should have called first.” Something with off with his tone but I didn’t have time to think what it was before he pushed me into the house.

  “What the fuck, Mitchell?” Again, I didn’t have time to think before his fist came straight at me. I had no time to defend myself. I fell back and hit my head on the corner of the table where I kept the house phone. Suddenly everything went black.