The Perfection of Love

by J. L. Monro

  When I woke up I was on the living room floor. I felt the back of my head and there was blood when I looked at my fingers. Mitchell was standing in front of me pacing like a caged animal.

  “So you’re finally awake.” His boot came crashing into my ribs. I groaned. “You’re pathetic. Did you really think that you could take my son and ruin my life and not pay for it?” Another boot met my side and this time my body lifted off the floor and came back down with a thud. “Two years you bitch. I would lay there every night thinking to myself about how I would get you back. I had people watch you while I was away did you know that Dana? I wasn’t surprised to hear that you eventually became a whore with that American leaving your house in the early hours of the morning.” He spat on me in his disgust. “Of course I paid him a visit when I got out. That was the first thing I did. I’ve not heard a more satisfying sound than when he hit the bumper of my car.” I opened my eyes at him in shock despite the pain. It was Mitchell that had run over Deacon. He had tried to kill him. “It felt good. I can’t lie. It felt amazing.” He sounded like he’d also lost his marbles while being in prison. “Then I needed to decide what I was going to do with you. You needed special punishment for your deeds Dana. You managed to turn the Yank away from you without me even getting too much involved. You’re weak. Couldn’t even keep him. He was running to get away from you.” I knew that Mitchell was trying to beat me down with his words but it didn’t stop them from hurting because there was some truth to them.

  I was finding it hard to breath. I already knew the signs of broken ribs and using that knowledge I could guess that a few were broken. Mitchell had begun to pace again and was muttering to himself but then he stopped abruptly and looked at me. I had never seen such menace in his eyes before.

  “I gave you everything you needed Dana but you were so ungrateful. It was never enough for you.” I take back losing his marbles. Mitchell had clearly begun smoking a concoction of drugs in prison. I accidentally let out a snort and Mitchell pounced on me instantly. “You think this is fucking funny? I’ll show you what’s funny.” I didn’t completely register the blade he took out from his pocket but I definitely felt the blade plunge into my side. Mitchell covered my mouth to stifle my scream and then allowed me to collapse onto the floor. I was finding it hard to focus. I could feel the blood pooling beneath me. Suddenly I heard the sound of the key in my front door. Mitchells head whipped up. He moved silently to drag me behind the sofa. I couldn’t get out any sound of warning. He was right I was pathetic. My life and the life of whoever was coming through my door depended on me alerting them to the imminent danger and I couldn’t muster anything.

  “Dana, are you home? I saw your car outside so I thought I’d pop in. It’s my day off. I thought maybe we could grab Jakey from school and then go for a cheeky dinner somewhere.” It was Mills. The tears were streaming down my face. I let out a squeak but that’s all I could do. “Dana is that you? Is everything alright?” She stepped through the living room door and Mitchell grabbed her and covered her mouth with his hand while he plunged the still dripping blade into her stomach while his eyes stayed locked with mine. I let out a scream as I saw the shock and disbelief appear in her face. He let her body drop to the floor and she reached her hand out towards me. I stretched for her but I just couldn’t reach her. Mitchell kicked her hand away with such malice. I’m sure some of her fingers broke on contact with his boot. How could he be so evil? How could I have had a child with this man? Finally something snapped. Something broke inside me. I had had enough. Mills never hurt anyone. She never badmouthed anyone. Not even Mitchell. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the broken leg from the coffee table. While Mitchell was distracted pacing again, I inched towards it. Keeping one eye on the table leg and one eye on his position. I could hear Ma in my head repeating her words at Christmas ‘Remember who you are and where you come from. We are strong women. There isn’t a man out there who can bring us down and keep us there. You all must stay true to yourselves and never forget that.’ I finally reached the leg and now I needed Mitchell to come closer. It came to me instantly. Mitchell always loved to hear me beg. This time I was going to make sure my begging was the last thing he ever heard.

  “Mitchell. Please.” I didn’t have to fake the whisper. It was all I could manage. It took all the energy I had left to cover my hatred for the bastard. I needed to save my strength. I was going to have one shot at this and one only. “Please Mitchell. I’m sorry. I won’t do anything like this ever again. Please just help me. I don’t want to die. I made a mistake, I should never have left you. It was my family, they told me that I needed to get away from you and take Jakey, like before. Remember they like to meddle in our lives and try to come between us. You know I love you really. You’re my first love and my only love. I could never want anyone else.”

  I saw a flicker in his eyes and his face softened. Mitchell, always did have a God complex. He liked to feel needed. I reached out to him and he came closer. He leaned down and for a split second I wasn’t sure whether he was going to kiss or spit on me. He wouldn’t have the chance anyway. As he came within swinging distance I used what was left of my energy and the table leg came crashing into the side of his head. He went down instantly and I held my breath while I waited for him to stir but he didn’t. I struck him again for good measure. His very own pool of blood confirmed that he wouldn’t be getting up for a while. I chucked the table leg and dragged myself towards Mills.

  “Mills, talk to me.” No response. I pulled myself to a seated position and lifted her head onto my lap. “Mills, open your eyes and talk to me.” I heard a very small whimper.

  “Dana, I haven’t lived.” She had tears at the far corners of her eyes.

  “Don’t worry Mills. Help is going to come and we’re going to get out of here and we’re both going to start living.” I reached for the phone in her pocket but all I could do was press call to Joe’s phone. Just before my head tilted back under the strain of trying to keep it up to talk to Mills and I fell into the darkness I heard Mills sob.

  “I don’t want to die Dana. I’m not ready to die. I should have lived.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  It was so cold. There was a blanket across my body. How did it get there and where was I? I kept trying to open my eyes but they felt so heavy. I could hear voices around me. I recognized Mara’s voice. She was shouting. More voices but I couldn’t see who they belonged to. If Mara was here that meant we were safe. Mills and I were going to be fine now. I fell back into the darkness.

  I tried to open my eyes again and this time it was with success. I looked around. It was bright in the room. My eyes finally focused and I worked out that I was in a hospital bed. Monitors were beeping all over the place. Someone was holding my hand. I couldn’t move my head much so my eyes glance down to see a head resting on the bed beside my hand. It was Deacon. I didn’t have the strength to lift my hand so I squeezed his with all the strength I could muster to signal him to wake up. He raised his head. He looked confused and then he smiled. There were tear stains on his cheeks and stubble that suggested that he hadn’t shaved in a long time. How long had I been in here? Where was Mills? I needed to tell her how sorry I was for her getting caught up in my shit and I needed to know if she was okay. Had she gone home or was she still in the hospital as well?

  “Dana. You’re awake.” He pressed his lips to the back of my hand. “I thought you might never wake up. Baby, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I was so stupid and stubborn. I shouldn’t have left. I’ll never do it again. I should have just trusted you but I got so jealous but never again baby. I promise.” The tears came streaming down his beautiful face but I couldn’t reach over to wipe them away for him. He pushed the button to alert the nurse who came in within minutes. She shooed Deacon out of the way which was difficult since it seemed he’d surperglued himself to my hand. I had a tube down my throat and a catheter in and I didn’t want him to see any of that being removed. Luckily the nurse a
nticipated the potential for my embarrassment and practically hauled Deacons ass up and towards the door. He left the room letting me know he was going to call my family while the nurses did what they had to do. They then helped me get to the toilet after much moaning by myself about not wanting to pee in a bowl on my bed. When Deacon came back he rushed to my side again. I was so happy to see him. I thought I would never get to talk to him again. Not in person anyway. In a warped way at least what had happened had brought him back to me. Something deep inside of me told me that I needed to be looking on the bright side right now.

  “Baby, I’m so sorry for being an idiot. I should have let you explain and talked to you like an adult instead of running away. I was so hurt but most of that was to do with me being jealous. Please forgive me.” He was crying again and just repeating himself over and over again. He was just torturing himself.

  “I love you Deacon. That’s all that matters. I’m never going to stop loving you.” My throat felt so dry and my voice was croaky. He kissed me gently and then buried his head into my neck.

  “I really thought you weren’t going to wake up and I don’t know what I would have done without you Dana. I really don’t. I wouldn’t have had the chance to make things up to you or tell you how sorry I am.”

  “Shhhhhh. It’s in the past. Let’s just move on. He nodded but never moved his face. I think we fell asleep like that because when I next opened my eyes Deacon was at the foot of my bed arranging what looked like plastic flowers. He caught the question in my look.

  “Apparently you’re not allowed to bring real flowers in because of contamination and infection control.”

  I tried to sit up but I nearly doubled over in pain. Deacon rushed over to help prop me up with pillows. “You need to be careful. It’s going to take a while for you to recover.

  “Deacon, how’s Mills doing? Is she…? Is she in the hospital as well?” I felt his body stiffen and dread filled the pit of my stomach. “Where is she?” I whispered. The colour drained from his face and I knew. I knew before the words even passed his lips.

  “Baby, I’m so sorry.” I couldn’t see through my tears already. “She. She. When they got her to the hospital they couldn’t do anything.”

  “NO!” I screamed. I couldn’t cover my face so I laid there a sobbed. I felt like my whole body was tearing in two. “I called for help as soon as I could. I did it Deacon, I hit him so he couldn’t hurt us anymore and then I called for help. I found the strength and I went to help her. She can’t be gone. That’s not fair. It doesn’t work like that.” I was a wreck. I’m not even sure I was making sense. “I called Joe. Joe wouldn’t let her go. He would never let her go. He would have come and saved her. Maybe it was a mistake. Doctors make mistakes all the time. She’s probably just sleeping” I couldn’t breathe. My chest felt tight. I was vaguely aware of the nurses coming into the room. I think they gave me a sedative because I started to fall asleep again.

  When I woke again it was the evening. Outside was dark and the lights were turned down low in my room. Deacon was asleep in the chair. I played everything that had happened over and over in my head. I couldn’t digest the fact that Mills was gone. I wouldn’t see her again. I wouldn’t hear her laugh or get to hug her ever again. I didn’t understand how this had happened. Mitchell had been waiting for me to be vulnerable so he could attack me. If Deacon hadn’t left me. If he hadn’t been so jealous he would have been at home with Mitchell and I couldn’t have hurt Mills. She would still be here with me. I suddenly felt so angry. I’ve lost my best friend, one of the best people in my life. Jakey had lost his aunt because of Deacon and his jealousy. I knew he would end up hurting me but I didn’t know that someone else would get hurt because of it.

  “Deacon, I you need to go.” He didn’t move. “DEACON!” I screamed. He jerked out of his sleep.

  “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

  “You need to go. I don’t want you here.” I was becoming hysterical. “It’s your fault. You were so jealous. You didn’t need to be but you were. You should have been there. You promised to protect me but you left. He couldn’t have killed her if you hadn’t left. I will NEVER forgive you for this. I’ve lost my best friend because of your jealousy.

  I tried to ignore the horror in his face. “What? No. Dana, you don’t mean that?” His words were frantic but I couldn’t listen to him. I was so angry. I kept pushing the button to call the nurse. When she came in she looked from me to Deacon and hesitated for a second before she advised him to leave. When he refused, she threatened to call security.

  “Dana, I know you’re hurt. I know you’re angry and upset but you don’t mean this. Baby, you need to calm down or you’re going to hurt yourself. I’m sorry Dana. I am. I will make this up to you I promise. I’ll spend my life making this up to you.” He tried to hold my hand but I slapped him away.

  “JUST GET OUT!!!” I screamed at him. He looked as though I slapped him in his face and then turned and went out the door.

  I cried myself to sleep. Everything just hurt and I didn’t know what to do to make it stop.

  This time when I woke Deacon wasn’t in the room. Saz and Lana were sitting in the chairs.

  “Hey”

  “Oh Dana.” Saz was in tears. Her face was blotchy. Lana was also silently crying. Nothing needed to be said. We were all broken. I was alive but there was nothing to celebrate. I couldn’t cry any more already. I had cried out all that I had.

  “Where’s Jakey?” He must be worried and scared. His mum is in the hospital and his dad is the one that put her there.

  “He’s with Ma and Pops. They’ve stayed at home to take care of him. We didn’t tell him what happened. We just said you had a flu like bug and needed to be kept away from him. We didn’t want to tell him the truth because what the hell would we say Dana?” She started to cry out loud. Mills may have been my best friend but she had grown up with my sisters as well. She and Joe were family, it was a simple as that.

  “It’s all right Lana. You did the right thing. There was no need to worry him if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.” I didn’t even know what I was going to say to him.

  “How’s Joe handling it?” Lana looked out the window.

  “Not well. They were so close. I think we all saw how much Mills relied on Joe for support but we never saw how much he needed her just as much. Mitchell was their family and he can’t understand why he would kill her. He’s been drinking. A lot. He’s a mess Dana, but he won’t let anyone reach out to him.” She turned back to me. “Where’s Deacon? He hasn’t left your side in days. Practically usurped us as family.” She let out a light chuckle. I told them both what I said to him. To say they disapproved was an understatement but I didn’t want to listen to them. I thought Lana was going to tear her hair out at one stage. Saz was just staring at me like I’d grown a second head.

  “Dana, there’s no way you can blame him. God, he must have felt like shit already and then you go and stick that knife in as well just to kick him when he’s down. That’s not like you. Me or Lana or Mara, I can understand us acting like this but not you. You’re not heartless.” She slumped back in her chair shaking her head in disbelief. The more I thought about it all, the angrier I got. If Deacon hadn’t been so wrapped up in his own petty jealousy he could have been there to save Mills.

  “Where’s Mitchell?” I hope to God, I killed that bastard. Death was too good for him but I would settle for it.

  “He’s been charged with murder on top of a number of other offences. You won’t see him again.” I let out the breath I didn’t realize I had been holding. How did he still fucking affect me? For fuck sake was I still afraid of that bastard.

  I stayed in hospital for another five days. Just in time to come home and recover enough to be pushed in a wheelchair to Mills’ funeral. Every bone in my body wanted to tie myself to my bed so I didn’t go. It wasn’t the end if I hadn’t said goodbye. Lana came over early to help me get ready. Make-up was almost pointl
ess because the two of us kept crying every minute. When I was ready too I pulled out a picture that I carried in my bag wherever I went of Saz, Mills, and I. We must have been sixteen, just before I met Mitchell. I kissed Mills’ face and whispered to her “It’s time to say goodbye baby girl. I love you so much, please don’t forget.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  Mills’ funeral was heartbreaking. Joe had picked Dido’s Life For Rent to play while everyone was filling the church. If I wasn’t contemplating suicide before I certainly was after hearing that song. He was supposed to read the eulogy but he couldn’t speak. He was so broken. Lana got up to help him and he held her hand while he read a poem for Mills by Canon Henry Scott-Holland.

  “Death is nothing at all

  I have only slipped away into the next room

  I am I and you are you

  Whatever we were to each other

  That we are still

  Call me by my own familiar name

  Speak to me in the easy way you always used

  Put no difference into your tone

  Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

  Laugh as we always laughed

  At the little jokes we always enjoyed together

  Play, smile, think of me, pray for me

  Let my name be ever the household word that it always was