His Assurance (Assured Distraction Book 3)

by Thia Finn

  My head hurt like a vice pinched it, and someone kept tightening the knob. This Acetaminophen they sent me home with wasn’t doing shit. The only good thing in my life was Lola moving in with me. I tried hard not to complain, but she kept an eye on me so much that I knew she understood I hurt almost all the time. It had been a long fucking week, and I was still not hearing anything.

  Another good thing was I no longer lost my lunch every damn time I stood. The first few days at home were awful. If I looked sideways too fast, up it came. Lola had been reading about it to me because reading was impossible at this point. Looking at words not only made my head hurt, but the nausea returned. She said something crazy about me needing to have my crystals realigned, whatever the hell that was. She tried telling me about it, but I honestly didn’t care.

  The reading problem affected my ability to read music, too. That was the real bitch for me at this point. Everyone in the band was ready to get back into the studio to write, and I couldn’t be there. I wasn’t sure I was going ever to get there again. Maybe I would quit so they could move on and find another drummer. I thought about it a lot while I sat around with nothing to do per the doctor’s orders. Fuck that. I was ready to go places, do things, but most of all play my drums. A drum kit waited for me in the basement, and I wanted to get behind it ASAP. There was one small problem; I had to go down narrow stairs. That wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. Looking down the stairwell made me sick, and things seemed to move around in my brain. It was like I was high only damn, someone forgot to give me the drugs.

  My phone vibrated in my pocket.

  Lola: What are you doing, Gunner?

  “Nothing, as usual. What do you want me to do?”

  Lola: I want you to stand up and walk outside to sit by the pool. It’s a beautiful day.

  “It’s exactly like it was yesterday. Nothing’s changed since yesterday when you made me go outside.”

  Lola: Okay, then let’s walk out front to the gate and back.

  “Oh yeah, we did that yesterday, too, remember? I’m sick of this shit. I want to go places and do things. I want to play my fucking drums.”

  Lola: Do you think that’s a good idea banging on the drums? It might make your head hurt worse.

  “How the fuck is that going to happen when I can’t even hear it?” I looked at her and saw the pain I caused her with my smart ass answers, but I was so fucking tired of this. “I’m sorry, chéri. I know you’re trying to help. Come here.”

  She walked over and laid down beside me. I kissed her hair softly as I inhaled the beautiful fragrance. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to take my anger out on you, but when is it going to get better?”

  She rolled over and pulled out her phone.

  Lola: We don’t know the answer to that, but it will get better. The doctor said your hearing could come back at any time.

  “Well, the time needs to be now. My life is so fucked up.”

  Lola: I know it is, but sitting around wallowing in your anger isn’t going to make it better. Let’s get up and do something. How about we ride to the park and walk around down there? Are you up for riding in the car?

  I took a deep breath because I knew what it was going to cost me. My head would throb, and I would probably blow beets before we exited the driveway.

  “Sure, let’s go, my little cherry pie. Anything to see something different.”

  Lola: This is good, right?

  “Yeah, it is better. Thanks for making me come.” My head wanted to explode, but I would never tell her that. At least I hadn’t had to get my little friend, BBB, out. Blue Barf Bag and I were BFF’s since “the accident.” That’s what we called my fall. “The accident” marked a spot on my life line as everything was before or after “the accident.”

  Paparazzi kept milling around outside my house trying to get a picture. Damn vultures. The sneaky little bastards wandered around on the other side of the street as if they were going unnoticed. They wanted the money shot, but what was there to see around here? Nothing, that was it. A damaged drummer. And that’s probably what I would be forever.

  Lola: What are you thinking about so hard, babe?

  “Not too damn much. I’m glad to be out of the house. That’s all.”

  Lola: Really, because it looks like those wheels are turning so hard they could make your ears spin.

  “Very funny. More like they don’t turn or do anything worth doing anymore.”

  Lola: Gunner, it hasn’t been all that long. A week recovering from a concussion is nothing.

  “Well, how long will this fucking fun last then? I’m sick of this shit. I am dying to get behind my kit. I hate sitting around like some dumb shit staring at the walls of my house. Dammit, I want to take you to bed and fuck you like I’ve been dreaming about since the last time.” I took her hand because I knew that came out sounding all wrong. I didn’t know how to express what I felt about her at this point. I knew she had to be sick of my shit. Hell, I was sick of my shit. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I wanted to say all of this right to her.

  “Look, Lola, I want you to know I am so damn glad to have you here with me. I don’t know how I would have made it without you this week, but I know you have things you need to do, too. I want you to consider going home after my doctor’s appointment tomorrow.”

  Lola: What? How can you say that? I’m where I want to be, Gun, or I wouldn’t have stayed.

  “No, I know you applied for jobs in Houston. What happened to the interview you had scheduled? You need to move on with your plans. I may never get my hearing back. You heard the doctor say it, or if I do, I might never get it back well enough to play in the band. I don’t want you to feel stuck here with me. I want you to do what you want with your life. That’s what I wanted you to be able to do when you went home the first time. You have dreams to pursue, and that’s what I want for you.”

  Lola: Did you ever once hear me complaining about being here with you? No, you didn’t. I’m here because I want to be.

  “But you didn’t want to be here before the accident. You wanted to go home and work in Houston, so how can you say you’re here because you want to be?”

  Lola: Listen to me, Gunner. I will leave when I’m damn good and ready and not a minute before. You need me, and I want to be here for you.

  “Why? Why would you want to stay? Why would you want to be with a gimped-up guy who can’t do anything for you? Hell, we can’t even enjoy sex. If I could only tell you all the things I think about doing to you when I watch you move around the house.” She looked at me, and I wondered if she could see how badly I wanted her right now. I needed to strip her down and fuck her until she screamed my name over and over. Right here, right now. Then I wanted to start all over and make love to her slow and easy, so she felt ever single thrust all the way in and all the way out. But, yeah, it felt like I was never going to hear her scream my name again.

  Lola: Did it ever occur to you that I might want to be here because of my feelings for you?

  Her words drew me back to the moment. “You have feelings for me? When did this happen? Did you have feelings when you decided to go back to Houston or was it after you had to take care of my sorry ass?” She looked down as though she was trying to form the correct answer.

  Lola: Before I left.

  “Then why the hell did you choose to leave?” I was pissed off. She never once mentioned anything about feeling something for me.

  Lola: We never seriously talked about it. I mean I know you said you wanted me to move in, but it was an “in the moment” thing. I never took it seriously. You never said anything other than you wanted me. I thought it was only a sexual thing between us, Gunner.

  Damn, how did I not see this coming? “Lola, I’m not good at the whole expressing my feelings thing. Haven’t you figured that out by now? Being with you is the best, chéri.”

  Lola: Look, I’m not expecting a declaration of love from you, Gun, but I need to know that we are at least on the
same page. I need to know that a relationship is going to be possible at some point.

  Yeah, this was hard. Over the past week, I had thought of nothing else, but now, who knew? I squeezed her hand. This girl got me, but I was not sure I was capable of having a relationship at this point. I never wanted it based on the need for me, not a medical need. I wanted it based on love. How could I explain this to her? I brought her hand to my lips and kissed softly across her knuckles. Those deep dark eyes locked me in, and I needed to break right now. I could tell her that I loved her and knew I truly meant it before, but now, I wasn’t sure I could be the one responsible for dragging her down with me. I took her soft hand and turned it over palm up. Looking back into those eyes, I said, “I would have told you that before the accident, but now I don’t know.”

  Lola: You don’t know if you have feelings for me?

  “No, I don’t know if I can do this relationship thing with you, Lola. I’m not good for you now.” I stood up and held my hand out to pull her up, too. It took all I had to do that one maneuver that before would have been a no-brainer. It was a sign when nausea hit me as I pulled her sweet body up beside mine. “I’m ready to go home, please.”

  Lola: Wait, don’t I get a say in this, at all? Why do you get to decide who is good for me or not?

  “Just take me home, okay?” I couldn’t look at her.

  We drove home in silence—hell, I was always in silence now—and I could see she was mad or maybe hurt. That was the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her but better now than later. She could leave tomorrow since I knew the doctor was going to release me from twenty-four seven babysitting. It was better for both of us.

  As she pulled into the garage and turned off the car, I watched her chest rise and fall with a deep breath she took, then it moved out and in slowly as she tried to decide what to say or do. Finally, she picked up her phone and began to type a message. I thought I had come to hate texts because it seemed like everything people wanted me to hear was the very thing I didn’t want.

  Lola: You want me to leave?

  How could I truly answer this? I looked at her, hoping to convey how I felt about all that had happened. “I want you to be happy, Lola. I just don’t think I can be the person to do that for you anymore. You have a big career in Houston and need to be able to follow your dream. What you don’t need is to be stuck with me here in Austin hoping to lead a normal life at some point. Right now my life is anything but normal, and honestly, I don’t see it getting any better anytime in the...well who knows when? You know, even if I wasn’t having this hearing issue, Lola, I still lead a strange lifestyle that you’re not used to. I only want you to be happy. I simply don’t see that happening around me.”

  Lola: But what makes you think I can’t be happy here?

  “You went home, Lola, remember? You left to have the perfect interview for the perfect job. It wasn’t here with me. You only came back because I was hurt.”

  Lola: I came back because I care about you, Gunner. Sure you were hurt, and I needed to see for myself if there was anything I could do to make it better for you, but I came because dammit, you are special to me.

  How did I respond to that? I knew I wanted her to be happy. I knew I loved being around her, beside her, and God knows I loved being in her. But what I wanted didn’t really matter. It was what was best for her life. She needed to be satisfied with her choices. How satisfied would I ever make her?

  “Well, Lola, I care a lot about you, too. I care enough to say go back to Houston and get your dream job. Go back and live a normal life. Maybe we can see each other from time to time when I’m around. We play in the Houston area occasionally. I can be sure you get tickets. Bring your friends, and we’ll get you all backstage. It’ll be fun catching up. Bring Journey and her friends, too. They seem to enjoy their time with the bands.”

  The look I was met with was hard to read. I knew she was angry, but it seemed to be more than that. I needed her to leave now before I did something stupid like beg her to stay. That was what my heart was telling me to do, but my brain said, let her go. It was the best thing for her.

  Lola: So you’re going to brush me off and send me on my way now? Okay. I guess if that’s what you want, that’s what I’ll do, Gunner. Please know this is not my choice.

  “Yeah, I get it.” I looked down at my watch. “You know if you go on and leave now, you’ll be back in Houston before dark. I don’t like you being out on that stretch of interstate late. It’s not safe.”

  The way she dropped her head and stared at her phone screen killed me. I knew this was hurting her, but dammit, I didn’t know what else to do.

  Lola: Well, okay then. I guess my work’s done here. I’ll get my stuff loaded and go.

  When she started walking away, I wanted to get down on my knees and beg her to stay. I couldn’t handle this right now, so I walked out on the patio. I didn’t want to watch her drive out of my driveway. I didn’t want to watch taillights turn out onto the street. Fuck, I’ve turned into such a pussy. How did I let this turn into such a damn mess?

  I couldn’t believe he was throwing me to the curb like this. I had feelings for this guy, and he didn’t seem to get it. I loaded my car. He was somewhere around here because he couldn’t drive yet and his car sat in the garage. Was he not even going to tell me good-bye?

  I found him staring at the water in the pool. It was a great late fall afternoon, but he didn’t need to get in the water. When I touched his arm, he didn’t turn to look at me but glanced over his shoulder.

  “Okay, I guess I’m ready to go,” I said it to him without thinking.

  I grabbed his arm and turned him to me. The least he could do was hug me goodbye. I nodded my head and put my arms out to hug him. He wrapped his arms tightly around me, and I felt a little tremble in his body before the hug came to an abrupt end when he pushed me away. I could only look at him with hurt. The tremble I felt made me believe it was more than an obligatory hug goodbye, but when I looked in his eyes, they gave me an unyielding stare.

  I took out my phone and typed.

  Lola: Okay, guess I’m going now.

  “Yeah, be safe. Message me sometime if you’re coming to Austin. We’ll meet for drinks or something.”

  Drinks? He thought that was what I wanted if I came to Austin? Well, fuck him. I should be worth more of his time than ‘drinks or something.’

  Lola: Yeah, I’ll get right on that.

  “Have a good trip home.” He turned back to the pool, dismissing me. I spun around and headed off to my car. When I got the door closed, I saw him standing at the patio door facing me. He raised his hand in a brief wave and then went inside the door.

  Fat tears slid down my cheeks, and I knew this was stupid. If he didn’t want me, then fuck him. I could move on with my life. There were plenty of men in Houston, so why was I crying over this?

  What the hell was I thinking to let her drive off like that? I wanted her here with me so badly I could taste it. The way I sent her off, she would probably never speak to me again, but deep down, I knew it was the right move to make.

  I picked up my phone and texted Carter.

  Me: Dude, come over and keep me company. I’m sick, remember

  Carter: Where’s your babe

  Me: No babes here, but you can bring some if you want

  Carter: Dumbass, what did you do

  Me: Nothing now get yourself over here and entertain the invalid

  Carter: I’ll be there soon. There better be alcohol

  Me: Isn’t there always but you know I can’t drink yet

  Carter: I’ll drink for both of us then. I’ll send pizza, too. Watch for it

  Me: Good times happening now

  I hated having to depend on my friends for everything, but the damn doctor wouldn’t let me drive because I couldn’t hear in traffic. Deaf people drove all the time, so why couldn’t I? Ryan picked me up for my next doctor’s appointment, and we headed out to see what was going on after some
new testing.

  Ryan spoke into the hands-free microphone to text me a message.

  Ryan: Exactly why isn’t your private nurse taking you for this appointment? Not that I mind taking you, but I thought she was going to stay a week or more or until you get well.

  I took in a deep breath. I sure as hell didn’t like explaining my actions to every family member separately. “Because I sent her back to Houston. She had an important job interview coming up, and I didn’t want to cause her to miss it.”

  Ryan: For a job in Houston?

  “Yeah. It’s her dream job working at their big children’s hospital there. She wants to get a job pretty quickly.”

  Ryan: And did you ask her to try applying for jobs here in Austin?

  “Uh, no. Why would I do that?”

  He parked the car and turned and looked at me.

  Ryan: Well, let’s see. She smart, beautiful, fun, and it seemed like she liked your dumb ass, so maybe it would have been worth pursuing. I guess I got it wrong when I saw how you looked at her every fucking time I saw you two together.

  “You read it wrong, all right. I don’t need one chick in my life. It’s too hard to have a life with only one being on the fucking road all the time. You know that already. You’ll be taking Peri and your son when we go next time. She would never be able to come on the road with us, and I don’t like the idea of leaving her for three or four months at a time. Besides, who would Carter have for a fucking wingman if I had a woman of my own?”

  Ryan: Fuck that, dude. Carter would damn sure never ask you to sacrifice something real with Lola. He wants you to find your own kind of happiness.

  I didn’t want to argue with him over this. I’d been wallowing in my fucking stupidity since she rolled out of my driveway.

  Ryan: Look, you dumb prick, if you want this girl. I mean if you think there could be a relationship to build on, call her. Get off your ass, and beg her to come back.

  “What the hell? I can’t do that. I’m deaf in case you haven’t figured that out. I can’t play in the band and be deaf, so basically, I’m fucked. How can I even entertain the thought of asking her to come back to a washed-up loser with no job and no useful skills? Nope, not gonna happen.”