Identity

by Nancy Ann Healy

  Alex took a deep breath. She wanted to fight back. It was pointless. She’d spent the car ride home warring with herself over this topic. She had choices. For years, she had enjoyed a quiet life with Cassidy and their children. She went to work in a classroom. She coached Dylan’s high school track team. She drove Mackenzie to soccer games and sleepovers. She was home every night, and she woke up beside Cassidy every morning for more than five years. She could deny everything Cassidy said. It would be a lie, and if Alex was tired of anything, it was lies. “You’re right,” she said.

  Cassidy nodded. “The only way this ever ends, Alex, is if people stop allowing it to continue.”

  “In a perfect world,” Alex said. “That might be the case. We don’t live in a perfect world, Cassidy. Whether it was my father or yours—no matter who it is, there is always someone hellbent on doing the wrong thing simply because they can. I wish it were all different. It isn’t. If I walk away—if people like me take the safe road, more innocent people will be hurt. So, you’re right. I’m not one of the innocent people. The choices I’ve made guaranteed that I would lose my innocence to this world. If you don’t think that I regret that choice some days, you’re wrong. I can’t go back in time. What would I choose if I could go back? College sororities? What would I have become? A broker? A businesswoman? A translator? A coach? I don’t know. I can’t unsee what I have seen. I can’t wipe my memory clean. Maybe if I hadn’t seen the things I have, if I didn’t know the things that I know, maybe, I could walk away. I can’t live with myself knowing I might be able to help and chose to do nothing.”

  “I know that,” Cassidy replied.

  “Where does that leave us?”

  “I love you, Alex. I will always stand by you—always. I can’t pretend with you anymore. I can’t sit here and tell you that this life you lead is what I would choose for us. I chose you. I knew what that meant when I married you. I’m tired. More than that, I’m terrified.”

  “I don’t want you to be afraid.”

  “I can’t help it, Alex. It keeps coming. Year after year. It doesn’t stop.”

  Alex made her way to Cassidy.

  “I don’t want to know who he is,” Cassidy said. “I want him to be the illusion I created,” she admitted. “Sometimes, Alex, I think it would have hurt less if he had stayed dead.”

  Alex held Cassidy. “I’m so sorry, Cass.”

  “It’s all starting again,” Cassidy said. “I don’t want to imagine where it might lead. The truth doesn’t always set you free, Alex. Sometimes, it takes you prisoner.”

  “No matter what, Cass, your father loves you.”

  “I know. That doesn’t make it easier. In some ways, it makes it harder. I thought I’d reconciled it all,” Cassidy said. “So much of me, who I thought I was—it’s tied up in him,” she explained. “I was his princess, Alex. The world could be anything that I dreamed. There were knights and there were faeries, magic everywhere—good always found a way. I know his stories were stories. I thought he meant them.”

  “He did,” Alex said. “He meant them for you.” Alex stepped back. “He created the world he wanted for you, Cass. He created the him that he wanted you to see. I don’t condone any of it—and, I don’t know what is next. People we love need me to find answers. I might not be able to change everything. Maybe I can help Candace change some of it. Maybe—maybe we can help keep her safe, prevent a few people from getting hurt. Maybe that’s all we can hope to accomplish. You’re right; there are things none of us want to know. Not me. Not Claire. Not Pip. Not you. We have each other. Not everyone has that to fall back on,” Alex said. “If what our fathers have done,” she continued, “if it still has the power to hurt people, I have to do what I can to put an end to it.”

  “I know you do. Please, Alex,” Cassidy begged. “I don’t want their sins to destroy us—any of us. This is our life. I know you have to do this. Promise me—please, promise me that you will remember who you are. You’re not your father any more than I am mine.”

  Alex understood the message. She searched for years to discover who her father was; the life and the work that gave him his identity. Too often she had linked who he had become with who she thought she should be. “I promise, Cass.” She sighed.

  “What haven’t you told me?” Cassidy asked knowingly.

  “What would you say if I told you I was headed back to Carecom?”

  Cassidy stared at Alex.

  “Jonathan is on his way to France to meet Edmond.”

  Cassidy waited for an explanation.

  “Edmond wants him to take the reins at Technologie Applique,” Alex told her.

  “You’re not kidding.”

  “No.”

  Cassidy didn’t know what to say. She made her way back to the sofa and plopped onto it with a thump.

  “Think of it as a good thing,” Alex said.

  Cassidy looked back at Alex as though Alex had gone mad.

  “I’ll be in the Connecticut office most days,” she offered. “It will be like—”

  “Like what? Like old times?” Cassidy closed her eyes and shook her head.

  “Cass, come on, I won’t be carrying a gun every day.”

  Cassidy didn’t know what to say. She felt the ground shifting beneath her for weeks. She thought she was ready for anything.

  Alex grew nervous. “Do you want me to quit?”

  “I would never ask you to do that.”

  “I won’t lose you.”

  “I’m not going anywhere, Alex. I need some time to process this. All of it. I don’t have any regrets in our marriage. None. This feels like going back in time. And, there are a lot of things about that time I don’t care to repeat.”

  “I understand.”

  “I’m tired,” Cassidy said. “I think I’ll head upstairs.”

  “I love you; you know?”

  “I know you do. I love you.”

  “I’ll be up in a few minutes,” Alex said.

  “Take your time.”

  “Cass? There were a lot of good things about that time too.”

  Cassidy nodded. “Yes. There were.”

  PARIS, FRANCE

  TUESDAY

  “Papa,” Eleana hugged Edmond.

  “I’m glad you came.”

  “I was in the area.”

  “I heard,” he said. “Walk with me.”

  “Why now?” Eleana asked. “Why do you want Jonathan to come here now?”

  “Because my time has come to step away.”

  “A changing of the guard?”

  “Something like that,” he told her. “He has many questions.”

  “You have the answers,” Eleana said. “Why won’t you tell him? Why won’t Jim tell Cassidy the truth?”

  “You think there is one big secret we are determined to keep from you,” Edmond observed.

  “I think there is more than one.”

  “There are wheels that spin, Eleana. Jim and I are cogs in the machine. Nothing more. We have access. We have resources. We are not the ones turning the wheel. We have changed its direction from time to time. This isn’t our world any longer. It is yours. That’s why.”

  “Papa?”

  “You want to know about Claire.”

  “No. I want to know why you chose to stay.”

  “To stay?”

  “In the Collaborative.”

  Edmond offered his daughter a complacent smile. “It is what I know.”

  “What about me? What about Elliot?”

  “Elliot’s path was carved both for him and by him. Much like Claire,” he said. “You and Jonathan? Alex? Nicolaus and I tried to deter you. Somehow, you found your way into it all, before you even knew what role we played.”

  “What role did you play?”

  Edmond’s brow furrowed.

  “It never ended; did it? The quest to create us.”

  “Eleana, you were never—”

  “Wasn’t I? Are you so ashamed that you can’t bear the
truth?”

  “You want to believe that we forced you without your consent,” he said. “I can’t change what you choose to believe any more than I could change the determination you felt to pursue your agenda.”

  “My agenda?”

  “To become an agent in the Collaborative.”

  “I didn’t know I had,” she reminded him.

  He smiled. “That it had a name? Perhaps not. You all knew. Long before we gave you a name to attach to it. You knew. You will have to learn one day, my sweet, Eleana, that who you are is who you choose to become.”

  “Interesting that Cassidy made a different choice,” Eleana observed.

  “Is it?”

  “One day, Papa, we will all learn the truth.”

  “But will you accept it?”

  WARSAW, POLAND

  WEDNESDAY

  “Claire Brackett.” Andrei Orlov held out his hand.

  “That’s what the nametag says—if I had one.”

  He laughed raucously. “You are as I imagined.”

  “Is that like saying my reputation precedes me?”

  He winked. “Pyotr tells me he owes you a debt of gratitude.”

  “Is that so?”

  “It is a risk to betray the confidence of your president.”

  “Technically, I betrayed the confidence of my former partner.”

  “And, technicalities matter.” He poured her a glass of wine.

  “Tell me,” she began. “Why would Pytor Gregorovich send me to dinner in Romania only to send me to dinner in Poland?”

  “Do you have something against dinner?”

  Claire took a sip of the wine he handed her.

  “Dinner is fuel,” he told her.

  “And you are in the energy business.”

  “I am.”

  “Is that lucrative for you?” she asked.

  “Everyone needs power, Claire.”

  Claire raised an eyebrow.

  “Power is everything,” he continued.

  “And you have a unique way of achieving it.”

  “We have a unique method of providing it—for a cost.”

  “And, how do I fit into this method?”

  “Access,” he replied.

  “You provide the power; I provide the access.”

  He grinned.

  Claire raised her glass in a toast. “Where do we begin?”

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  WESTPORT, CONNECTICUT

  TWO WEEKS LATER

  Alex sat on the end of the bed and watched Cassidy slip a sweater over her head. Cassidy twisted her hair and swirled it onto the back of her head with a scrunchie. “We could stay home,” Alex said.

  “Why don’t you want to go to Nick’s?”

  “It’s not that,” Alex said. “It’s been years, Cass, and things are still strained with Nicky and Jonathan. I always feel like if I talk to Jonathan, Nicky gets mad. If I don’t talk to Jonathan, Nicky will ask me why I’m avoiding our brother—sarcastically. It’s not Jonathan’s fault that our father had an affair.”

  “No, it isn’t.”

  “I don’t get it. Mom accepts Jonathan.”

  “We’ve been over this,” Cassidy said. “That’s part of what makes Nicky uncomfortable.”

  “Yeah, well, it makes me uncomfortable too—like I have to choose between them or something.”

  Cassidy leaned over kissed Alex’s lips.

  “I’d rather stay home and do that some more.”

  “Get dressed. Your mom will be here in twenty minutes.” Cassidy placed a final kiss on Alex’s cheek. “I’ll see you downstairs.”

  Alex nodded. “Why can’t they come here?”

  “Because it’s their anniversary,” Cassidy called from the hallway.

  “Just wait until it’s my anniversary.”

  “Our anniversary, Alex!”

  Alex didn’t have a chance to respond. “Claire?”

  “That’s me. You sound kind of—I don’t know; irritated or something.”

  “It’s nothing. What’s up?”

  “I forgot; you have that party today. Don’t sweat it, Alex. Krause is a big boy.”

  “That’s not why you called.”

  “I can’t call to say hello?”

  “What’s up?”

  “Gregorovich wants me to meet Andrei in Warsaw on Wednesday.”

  “Did he give you any idea why?”

  “He never tells me why? Dinner. It’s always a dinner. I’ll be five-hundred pounds before he tells me anything we can use.”

  Alex laughed. “Maybe Mr. Orlov will offer something new.”

  “I don’t know. What about all those files I downloaded?”

  “It looks like gibberish. We both know it isn’t,” Alex replied.

  “I can’t believe after everything—we don’t have anything.”

  “It took decades to create this mess. We’re not going to unravel it in a few weeks.”

  “Last time I checked, we’ve been at this for years.”

  “True. We didn’t have any clarity,” Alex said.

  “Clarity? I missed the fog lifting.”

  “We were all working against each other. That’s changed. We don’t have to weed through each other’s chaos,” she reminded Claire. “You, me, Pip, El, Jane—no one counted on us becoming unified. We’ll get there. It’s going to take some time.”

  “Time isn’t on our side, Alex,” Claire replied.

  “It’s not on their side either.”

  “Alex!” Cassidy called up the stairs.

  “Gotta go,” Alex said. “Be—”

  “Don’t say be careful, Alex. It’s a jinx.”

  Alex laughed. “I’ll talk to you.”

  “Alex! Mom is here!” Cassidy called again.

  Alex flopped back onto the bed and sighed. “Great.”

  MOSCOW, RUSSIA

  “You don’t trust her.”

  “The Sparrow?”

  President Nika Kapralov walked to the large window near his desk. “She remains close to the Spider.”

  “As I understand it—yes,” Gregorovich said.

  Kapralov turned. “And the Swan?”

  “Yes.”

  “And Goddess? They remain—”

  “As I understand it, they are friends.”

  “They are allies,” Kapralov corrected Gregorovich. “Exercise caution, Pyotr. Sparrow is unpredictable.”

  “Claire Brackett has no allegiances,” Gregorovich commented.

  “For our sake, I hope you are wrong, Pyotr.”

  STONINGTON, CONNECTICUT

  “Hiding?” Barb asked Alex.

  “Not well,” Alex replied.

  “I hear you’re headed back to Carecom.”

  “Looks like it. Jonathan got an offer from Edmond.”

  “Is that a good thing?”

  “Jonathan moving across the ocean or me back behind a desk?” Alex asked. “I guess that would depend on who you asked.”

  “I asked you,” Barb replied.

  “I like the idea of traveling less,” Alex said. “But I’ll miss Jonathan.”

  Barb nodded.

  “That doesn’t mean I don’t miss Nicky,” Alex said.

  Barb nodded again.

  “I don’t know what you want me to say,” Alex confessed.

  “I think you just said it.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  “Alex, you don’t spend time with us anymore.”

  “That’s not true,” Alex replied.

  “We see each other on occasions. We don’t make an occasion to spend time together.”

  “And that’s my fault,” Alex offered.

  “I’m not saying it’s anyone’s fault. We miss you.”

  Alex sighed. She was tired of avoiding the truth. For years, she’d danced around the topic with Barb and Nick, always trying to make everyone happy. “I miss you too,” she said honestly. “But I don’t miss feeling like shit because of my relationship with Pip. He’s Nicky’s b
rother too,” Alex said. “I can’t make Nicky accept that, Barb. I’m tired of feeling like some kind of villain because I do.”

  “It hurts him, Alex.”

  “You know what? I’m tired of that too,” Alex said honestly. “Nick’s a big boy, Barb. He doesn’t need you and Cassidy to run interference. It hurts him? What hurts him? The fact that our father wasn’t just a liar, he was a cheat too?” Alex shook her head. “Or that Jonathan means something to me? Because I can’t change either of those things.”

  “Alex, you have always been Nicky’s hero.”

  “We’re not kids on a school playground anymore,” Alex said honestly. “I love Nicky. It’s not my job to live up to his expectations. It isn’t. I’ve tried. Maybe you don’t think so. I have. Jonathan has. Mom has.”

  “I know,” Barb confessed. “He can’t help how he feels.”

  Alex shook her head again. “No. None of us can help how we feel. We can help how we act. I would do anything for Nicky. He should know that. I’m not going to apologize anymore for how he feels. You want to know why we don’t make occasions? I’ll tell you. Because it’s too hard, Barb. I spent years with my parents making me feel like a second-class citizen. I’m Nicky’s hero? Nicky was always the golden boy—always. He got patted on the head while I got kicked in the ass. Over and over and over again. How about how that made me feel? I never pushed Nicky away.” Alex took a deep breath. “It’s not me who has caused the distance between us. You, Mom, Cass, even Jonathan keep telling me why I need to understand. I understand. I don’t have to feel this way. I spent years pretending it didn’t hurt me,” Alex said. “Cheering Nicky on—celebrating his achievements. And, I was happy for him. I never made him feel horrible because Dad love and praised him. I never made him feel guilty for the acceptance he enjoyed. If Jonathan wasn’t my brother, he would still be my best friend. He is my brother. Jonathan and I have something in common that Nicky and I will never have.”

  “Which is?”

  “We know what it’s like to never have our father’s acceptance. We know what it’s like to feel alone,” Alex said. “I love you, Barb, and I love Nicky. I’m not going to do this any longer. Not for any of you.” Alex turned and walked out of the kitchen.

  Cassidy saw Alex head for the front door and excused herself from a conversation with her nephew. “Alex?”