Identity

by Nancy Ann Healy

  “You stay,” Alex said.

  “Where are you going?” Cassidy asked.

  “Home,” Alex said.

  “What happened?”

  “The same thing that always happens,” Alex said. “I’ll take Mom’s car. I’m sure Pip will help you transport the kids.”

  “I’ll get everyone together.”

  “No,” Alex said. “You stay. I need a little time. I’ll see you at home later.” She kissed Cassidy and left through the front door.

  “Where is Alex going?” Helen asked.

  “Home.”

  Helen sighed. “Did Nicky say something to her?”

  “I don’t know,” Cassidy replied.

  “Do you want me to round up the kids?”

  “No,” Cassidy said. “She needs to be alone for a bit.”

  Helen nodded.

  “She left?” Barb came even with the pair.

  “Yeah,” Cassidy answered.

  “I shouldn’t have said anything,” Barb commented. “I just told her that we miss you,” she explained to Cassidy. “That led to Nicky. I tried to explain that it’s hard for him. He misses Alex, and he feels—”

  “Nicolaus needs to stop acting like he’s still in grade school.” Helen surprised both Cassidy and Barb with her response. “Don’t look at me like that. He broods whenever Alex and Jonathan are together. I understood that in the beginning. He doesn’t have to like the fact that Jonathan is his brother,” she said. “He doesn’t even have to like Jonathan. He doesn’t have a right to make Alex feel guilty. And, it’s time someone told him that.” Helen turned and walked back into the house.

  “What a mess,” Barb said.

  “It doesn’t have to be,” Cassidy replied. She offered Barb a smile. “Mom is right, Barb. God knows, I love you both. She’s right.”

  “Cass, Nicky loves Alex. He—”

  “I know. Alex loves Nicky. She loves Pip too. We both do. He’s part of this family, Barb. Not because of who his father is,” Cassidy continued. “Because we want him to be part of our family.” She squeezed Barb’s hand. “That’s not going to change.”

  “What does that mean for us?”

  “I guess that depends on Nicky.”

  ***

  Helen stepped into the backyard and tapped her son on the shoulder. “Can I have a minute?”

  “Sure.”

  “Alexis just left.”

  “Off with Jonathan again?” he asked.

  “No. Jonathan was in the living room with Cat last I knew.”

  “So, Alex just took off?”

  “Nicky, I want you to hear what I am about to say.”

  “Mom, don’t start in about why I need to understand—”

  “You don’t need to understand anything. It’s been years,” she said. “It’s time that you dealt with reality. Jonathan isn’t going anywhere.”

  “I thought he was going to France.”

  “That’s not funny,” Helen said. “Or cute. I love you, Nicky. Your sister has always adored you—from the moment you were born. If you don’t know that by now there is nothing any of us can say to you that will convince you. Lots of kids are jealous when their new sibling arrives. I can recall Cat having a few struggles,” she reminded him. “Alexis never did. She never complained about the attention you received. She doted on you. She made room for you. Before you came, she was your father’s entire world. He took her everywhere.”

  Nick look surprised.

  “Didn’t know that, did you? I am certain Alexis remembers. You’ve always been the center of attention. That’s why I moved closer to Alexis and Cassidy.”

  “Because Alex needed you.”

  “And because I needed to get to know my daughter again. Jonathan hasn’t taken anything from you,” she said. “You have taken something from yourself and your sister. There are a lot of things you do not understand. Your father shielded you from many things. That is not a luxury your brother and sister enjoy. I’m sure you have some idea that what they do is different from the life you lead. It doesn’t mean Alexis loves you less, or that she values Jonathan more. They walk in two worlds,” Helen said. “Be glad that you only have to walk in one.”

  “I wish she’d talk to me,” Nicky said.

  “She will if you ask. Have you ever asked?” Helen challenged him. “Be sure you want to know her answers before you do.”

  “I want to know who she is.”

  Helen smiled. “You know who she is,” she told him. “You don’t know what she does. And, that might be best for both of you. Families change, Nicky. Jonathan is part of ours.”

  “Because he’s dad’s biological son?”

  Helen smiled gently. “He is part of your father as much as you or your sister will ever be. Yes, that means something to me. He’s part of our family because we love him. It’s not about blood, Nicky.” She patted his cheek. “I’d tell you to think about it, but that time has passed. Let this go. You will save yourself a lot of pain. Now, I need to find my daughters.”

  PARIS, FRANCE

  “Edmond.”

  “I was surprised when you called.”

  “Why?” Jane asked.

  “This is not a social call.”

  “What did Costin Barbu do for you?”

  Edmond Callier poured them each a glass of scotch. “He worked for Avance Bio.”

  “As?”

  “An industrial engineer, as I recall.”

  “How does an industrial engineer become the President of Romania? And, why is that left out of his bio?”

  “I don’t think it’s hidden,” Callier replied.

  Jane waited for an explanation.

  “You’re looking for something when there is nothing to find. Technologie Applique has operations around the globe. Costin Barbu is one of many men who moved on to politics.”

  “Do you know what I find interesting, Edmond?”

  “No, but I am certain you will enlighten me.”

  “I find it interesting that the chief executive of one of the largest corporations on earth remembers the employment of an industrial engineer after more than thirty years.”

  “Do you think you are the first person to ask about President Barbu’s time at Avance?” Callier laughed. “I did not think you could remain so naïve.”

  “Be careful, Edmond,” Jane advised. “Those closest to you are unrelenting. Alex and Jonathan—Claire, they won’t ask. They will discover what you think you’ve hidden, whether it is in plain sight or the bowels of the earth—they will find it.”

  “I have no doubt,” he told her. “That has never been a question, Jane. What will you all do with it? Time, as they say, will tell.”

  “Why not save the time?”

  Callier smiled. “It is not always the discovery that provides the answers, my friend. It is often the journey.” He raised his glass. “Drink.”

  NEW YORK CITY

  Another trip. Claire packed her suitcase and set it aside.

  “Packing already?” Hawk asked.

  “You know me, I like to sleep in,” Claire replied.

  “How is Alex?”

  “She’s Alex.”

  “How are you handling all of these changes?” Hawk inquired.

  “Why don’t you ask me what it is you want to ask me?”

  “I heard everything you said about your time with Eleana,” Hawk said. “I can’t help but feel you left some things out.”

  “Nothing happened between us, not sexually. I told you everything. One thing I don’t do is lie. I have never lied to you.”

  “Then tell me the truth; if she asked you to come back—”

  “No,” Claire said. “I do love her, Hawk. I wouldn’t even attempt to deny how I feel about El. I loved her when I was six-years-old. Most people think that sounds insane. I did. I’ve always loved her. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I don’t know how to make you believe that.”

  “I believe you,” Hawk said. “I’m not insecure, Claire. That�
��s not why I asked.”

  “Okay.”

  “I don’t want you to give up on the one thing that means everything to you.”

  Claire smiled. “Sit down, Hawk.”

  “Sit—”

  “Sit down,” Claire said again. “This might take a while.”

  “Claire, I don’t expect you to explain.”

  “Good. I’m not going to explain anything about me and El. Sometimes, I wonder whether you see me clearly, Hawk.”

  “I see you.”

  “Do you? Eleana will always mean the world to me. That’s partly because she sees me. She sees me more clearly than you or Alex, or even Cassidy can.”

  “Because she’s known you the longest.”

  “Because she’s loved me through everything. She never gave up on me, Hawk. Not even when she said goodbye. Not even when she should have. I can never repay that kindness. Just like I’ll never be able to understand how Cassidy could be so kind—could see past everything that no one else bothered to try to uncover.”

  “Except Eleana.”

  “Yes. I wouldn’t be here now without them. I don’t know what everything is, Hawk. You and Alex like to plan. You’re always contemplating what might happen, going over the past like it will give you some clue what to expect tomorrow. The closest thing I do to planning is packing my bag a few days early so I can sleep late.”

  “You prepare.”

  “Yeah, I do. I prepare. I don’t expect my preparations to guarantee an outcome. You do. I don’t. I don’t expect anything.”

  “I wish you didn’t feel so—”

  “So cynical? I’m not. Everything to me—what means everything to me? I don’t have that answer. El is part of my life. Cass, Alex, even Krause—and you. You know what meant everything to me when we met?”

  “No.”

  “You made me laugh. You put your trust in me for no good reason. Everything for me exists moment to moment. That’s who I am, Hawk. I don’t know if there is a moment after this one. That’s what happens when you watch a life taken—when you’ve been at the hand of death. You don’t live for tomorrow. You don’t dwell on the past. So, if you want to know what means everything to me, right now, at this moment, it’s you.”

  “And tomorrow?”

  Claire smiled. “I love you, Hawk. It took me a long time to be able to say those words to anyone. But you didn’t hear anything I said.”

  “I heard you.”

  “Then you weren’t listening. I don’t know if there is a tomorrow and neither do you. I hope it comes. I hope you’re part of it. I hope that’s enough for you because that is the truth.”

  Hawk held out her hand. “I hear you. But maybe it would help once in a while if you let yourself dream about what is ahead. What would everything be in your world if you believed you deserved it?” Hawk asked.

  “I don’t know,” Claire confessed. “You would be part of it. I know that much.”

  “That’s a good place to start,” Hawk replied.

  WESTPORT, CONNECTIUT

  “Leaving won’t solve the problem,” Rose told Jim.

  “I’m not leaving, Rose. I’ll be back.”

  “But you won’t tell me where you are going.”

  Jim McCollum set down his bag. “There are things I left undone.”

  “That seems to be a pattern.”

  “I suppose it is,” he confessed. “Look what that has done to you and Cassie.”

  “Whatever this is about, Jim, let Alex and Jonathan handle it.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Because you want to protect them or because you want to hide something?”

  “I can’t protect them,” he told her. “I tried. We all tried.”

  “Did you?”

  “I understand why you don’t think so—why Cassidy doesn’t believe me. I left things undone in my life—in your lives.”

  “Is there someone there?” Rose asked. “Another family?”

  Jim smiled. “There has never been anyone but you,” he said. “But yes, in a manner of speaking. There are people I left behind. They deserve to know why.”

  The sting of betrayal flashed in Rose’s eyes.

  “I didn’t give you that courtesy—that peace,” he said. “I can’t change that.” He touched her cheek and then grabbed his bag. “I love you, Rose.”

  Rose watched him close the door. “I hope you know what you are doing, Jim.”

  ***

  Cassidy walked out onto the patio, claimed a seat on Alex’s lap, and wordlessly kissed her wife.

  “What was that for? Not that I am complaining.”

  “I’m sorry?”

  “I must have missed something.”

  “No. I did.”

  “Lost here, Cass.”

  “I’m sorry that you’ve been hurting, and I made it worse.”

  “You?”

  “Yes, me,” Cassidy said. “You’re right about Nicky. I hate seeing you upset. I kept telling myself I was helping by reminding you that he wasn’t trying to hurt you. I was justifying, not helping. Trying to keep peace instead of supporting you. I’m sorry.”

  Alex placed a grateful kiss on Cassidy’s lips. “I’m sorry too.”

  “For what?”

  “For running away today.”

  “Did you go running?”

  Alex chuckled. “Yeah.”

  “Did it help?”

  “For a few minutes.”

  “Your mom had a talk with him.”

  “I know. He called about an hour ago,” Alex said.

  “How did that go?”

  “Okay,” Alex replied. “Just okay. I don’t know, Cass. He needs to work through it. I can’t do it for him.”

  “Did you ever think about telling him about you and Jonathan?”

  “You mean that we both work in espionage?”

  “I do.”

  “Sure,” Alex admitted. “But it wouldn’t matter. No one can understand unless they live it, Cass. Nicky and I have always lived in different worlds. That started long before I landed in Iraq or worked for the NSA. I don’t know why it was that way. It just always was. I always stepped into his world. He never really stepped into mine. That’s not his fault,” Alex said. “But it’s not mine either.”

  “No, it isn’t.”

  “I can’t spend the energy worrying about Nicky, not now. I’m more worried about us.”

  “Oh, Alex. We’ll be all right.”

  “Will we? I know you’re not happy about this move.”

  “No, I’m not. I don’t have to be happy with everything you choose. I still choose you. I will always choose you, Alex.”

  “I envy him.”

  “Nicky?”

  Alex nodded. “Sometimes, I envy him. He doesn’t have to see the ugliness in the world, the ugliness in our family. I would never take that away from him.”

  “Do you wish you didn’t know?”

  “Sometimes. It’s like you always say, if I didn’t, I might not have you. I probably wouldn’t know Jonathan at all, or Claire.”

  “Strange, isn’t it?”

  “If you mean me and Claire being friends, it’s more like freakish.”

  Cassidy laughed.

  “I will, Cass—if you ever ask me, I will. I will walk away from all of this before I will ever walk away from you.”

  “You don’t ever have to make that choice,” Cassidy assured her. “Not ever.”

  “Hey? Where are the kids?”

  “Your Mom took them home.”

  “All of them?”

  “Yep.”

  “All four?”

  “She insisted.”

  “Oh, man, we are going to owe her a vineyard.”

  “Likely,” Cassidy agreed. “How do you feel about a few games of pool?”

  “Pool, huh?”

  “Mm.”

  “Who’s giving the lessons?” Alex asked.

  Cassidy kissed her passionately.

  “This is exactly why I married
a teacher.”

  “I think I still remember how to devise a lesson plan.”

  “Do I get hit with a ruler if I don’t pay attention?”

  “No. But you might get smacked with a pool cue.”

  Alex laughed. Let the lesson begin.

  BUCHAREST, ROMANIA

  “We may have a problem.”

  “We always have problems, Costin.”

  “Candace Reid and Theresa Keller have grown close.”

  “Germany’s affection for the United States is not new.”

  “No, but Keller’s admiration of the American president is.”

  Pyotr Gregorovich was unconcerned. “We have access.”

  “Access to the chancellor or the president?”

  “Both.”

  “Pyotr, together they can block our plans.”

  “They can stall for time. They cannot stop the inevitable, Costin.”

  “I hope you’re not underestimating them.”

  “Not at all.”

  “It will not be easy to fracture their alliance.”

  Gregorovich grinned. “I’m counting on it.”

  WESTPORT, CONNECTICUT

  ONE MONTH LATER

  Why did everyone want to have a party? Alex had already endured cake and ice cream at the office on her last day. Why? Why did Cassidy insist that they have another party? Farewell to Jonathan and Eleana. Good luck on their new life in France. Congratulations to Dylan on completing his first year at the Academy. Happy second birthday to Fallon. How many things could a family celebrate at one time? Her eyes roamed over the kitchen. Lasagna, pizza, salad, tacos, meatballs, pasta, bread, shrimp—How did shrimp get into this mix? Alex shook off her thought. Cookies, and cookies, and more cookies, and cake. And more cake.

  “Grazing?” a voice asked from behind her.

  “How many cakes do we need?” Alex asked absently.

  “According to your wife and your mother, one for each occasion.”

  “How are you, Hawk?”

  “Full.”

  Alex laughed. “That happens in this house. It was bad enough with Nicky and Mom, then they drafted Cass.”

  “Who drafted me?” Cassidy asked.

  “Mom!” Abby’s voice echoed through the house.

  “Do you want to get that or shall I?” Alex asked.

  “I’ve got it!” Dylan called out.

  “When did we start answering our children like we answer the doorbell?” Alex asked.