Not Afraid to Love You (Ink Series - Spin Off Book 1)

by Jude Ouvrard

  The door opens and I’m facing Logan. Instead of inviting me inside, he walks out the apartment and closes the door behind him.

  “I heard you were better.”

  “I am much better now. Thank you and sorry for being an ass to you.”

  He laughs. “No hard feelings. I’ve seen it too often with the Air Force. We didn’t choose the easiest jobs, you know.” He offers me his hand and we shake as if nothing has ever happened.

  “So you came to see Lilly?”

  I nod. “Yes, I haven’t gotten a chance to explain myself to her yet.”

  Running his hand through his very short hair, he seems uncertain.

  “You know she went out with Carlos two nights in a row, right?”

  Not exactly. “Two nights in a row?” I groan. “Is she here? I really need to talk to her?”

  He finally invites me in. I spot Abbey sitting at the table, she waves at me and then, I see Lilly standing by the oven filling her plate for dinner. Bad timing, I guess.

  “Are you hungry, Lennox?” Abbey is not so subtle. Lilly hadn’t seen me yet.

  “Lennox?” She whispers almost dropping her plate when her eyes meet mine. This is exactly the reaction I wanted. It confirms that Carlos means nothing but a distraction. One that needs to go.

  Watch out, Lilly. Lennox is back. I don’t know what tonight will be about but she’ll know I’m here to stay.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  A visitor

  Back from work, I’m relaxing on the leather couch with soft trance music playing on the background. My legs are burning from standing up all day. Plus, I have so much on my mind that my brain feels deep-fried. Dave’s will and Lennox’s return, both of them messing with my head. Logan and Abbey just got home too but as usual, they go to their room and shower before coming down to the kitchen. The more I think about it, the more I know what I’ll do about the Dave situation. As for Lennox, I have no clue. I’m still trying to figure out why he’s back after weeks of absolutely nothing. Regrets, I’m guessing.

  Enough with the thinking, I have to get dinner ready. They’re letting me stay here for free but I refuse not to do my part. It seems they like my cooking so I’ve decided that this is one of my chores around here. Getting the veggies and meat out of the fridge, I turn the heat on and add some olive oil to the pan. After adding the chicken breast to the pan, I start slicing the onion, pepper and broccoli, etc…pretty much all the green stuff we have.

  “Hey, Lilly, How was your day?” Logan asks walking in the living room wearing his jogging pants only. He looks great, I have to admit.

  "It was okay. Lennox showed up this morning."

  "Did you say that Lennox showed up at your work?" Abbey asks as she is entering the kitchen area. Her hair is up and she's wearing her after work attire—yoga pants and a tank top.

  "I swear, Abbey, he’s got the biggest balls I've ever seen." I say slicing the veggies for our dinner. "He hasn’t given me any news for weeks and now, he shows up at my work to just stare at me like he's a zombie and he wants to eat my brain out. That's only today because he showed up three days ago and watched me from outside. He was sitting in his car and I could feel him watching me." A shiver spreads throughout my body.

  "He was at Matthew's house the other night when I showed up with Logan. He's back to the old Lennox."

  My heart skips. That's what I was hoping for but I want more details. How is he doing?

  "What do you mean?"

  "I mean that Lennox went to therapy and now he's dealing with his issues. Kind of like you."

  I chuckle. "I only went twice." Therapy helped but I had a hard time talking about my past. I decided to write my thoughts in a journal instead. It seems to be working for now.

  "What are you going to do?"

  As if I know what I want. Lennox is the one man I ever loved but he broke my heart when he told me to leave. Why didn’t he ask me for help? I would’ve helped him. I won’t take him back into my life that easily. I have to be careful. A battle between my heart and mind is most likely going to happen. I’m not looking forward to the moment where we have to talk. I know it’s coming, that’s why he keeps coming to the diner. He wants to let me know he’s back. Don’t worry Lennox, I get the message loud and clear.

  "I don't know what he wants from me."

  "Liar. I think you know exactly what he wants." She takes the knife out of my hand. "Look at me." I look at her. "What is it that you're doing with Carlos, anyway?"

  "Having a good time. He's good guy." He’s funny, cute and very sweet to me. Everything I need to be happy. Except he’s not Lennox.

  I can see the seriousness in my sister’s eyes. I know she’s about to ask me the million-dollar question. "Do you want him to be the father of your kids? Or your husband?"

  No, I don't. I can only see Lennox as the father of my kids and my husband. "I don't know. I mean, we've only been on two dates. It's too early to tell."

  "Lie to me or to yourself as long as you want but I know that deep down, Lennox is the one you are crazy about." She sighs. “You keep saying his name in your sleep.”

  What? I don’t!

  “We had a nice time together. We were perfect and he completed me.” It hurts thinking about it. "And he told me to leave and then never contacted me again. End of the fairy-tale," no happy ever after for me. It always ends badly.

  Abbey rolls her eyes at me as if I am the most idiotic person alive. "Maybe he told you to leave because he didn’t want the person he loves to see him like that, rather than telling you to leave because he didn’t want you anymore. Think about it, Lilly. Has he ever done anything to hurt you?" She starts slicing the rest of the veggies while I lose myself in thought. "He wasn’t doing well after taking Dave's life."

  "I know, we lived under the same roof at that time."

  He clearly wasn’t doing well but he didn’t want to talk about it. Time didn’t seem to appease his pain. He just kept deteriorating until it reached the point of letting me go. He became his own worst enemy.

  "So you should know that he only did that to protect you. He needed distance to work on his demons. He killed Dave for Christ sake. It's not simple. Dave was an asshole but he was also your ex-boyfriend. How do you think he felt afterwards?"

  At her words, my blood runs cold. "Explain yourself because right now, it sounds like it's my fault that he killed Dave."

  "No, it's not your fault, silly. Dave had an important place in your life for a while. He was your first serious boyfriend. He was far from perfect but you had a connection with him. No matter how much you hate him right now, he was still your first real boyfriend. Lennox took his life and he doesn’t know how that made you feel."

  "Dave tried to kill me and then you. He pointed that gun at Lennox, and trust me, if Lennox had given him more time, he would have shot him. Dave got what he deserved." I'm losing control over myself. "No matter the angle, there wasn't much option that night. It was meant to end with someone getting killed, Dave, Lennox or me."

  "I'm happy it wasn't you."

  I'm happy it wasn't Lennox. "Me too." I take a sip of my wine hoping that it will soothe my mood.

  The sauté ready, Abbey fills her plate while Logan goes to the door. He said someone knocked but I didn’t hear anything.

  I think back to the moment when I saw Lennox at the diner. Men in uniform are sexy but Lennox in his uniform is absolutely jaw dropping sexy.

  “You should have seen him today.”

  “Details, please.” I hate when she speaks with her mouth full.

  “He was gazing at me with such intensity, I tried to ignore it but that pull and everything I feel for him was there.” I feel myself blush. “Then, I heard his voice and the tingles completely took over my heart.” I pause. “I just don’t know if I should take him back though. He broke my heart and there’s Carlos. I really like him.”

  “I get it, Lilly but there is a major difference between liking someone and loving someone. I can tell v
ery easily that you love Lennox.”

  I nod and start filling my plate. “I think you’re right.”

  “I know so.”

  We are both laughing when we hear Logan step back inside the apartment. I’m about to offer to get his plate ready when I see… Lennox. I phase out for two seconds. Almost dropping the plate, I force myself back to reality. What is he doing here? Not only does he come to my work and now, here?

  “Hi, Lilly.” I remind myself to breathe. “I think we should talk.”

  “Bad timing, we’re about to have dinner. Maybe later.” I won’t let you back in so easily, Lennox. I warn him with my eyes.

  Abbey pushes my plate to the side. “Why don’t you join us, Lennox? We have plenty of food.”

  “I’m… not sure it’s a good idea.”

  Logan gets an extra plate from the cabinet. “Come on man, don’t be ridiculous.”

  Just like that, I’m sitting right next to Lennox and suddenly my appetite has vanished.

  “How was your first day back at work?” Abbey asks and I realize she clearly knows more about him than I do. Was it his first day back at work?

  “It was…surprising...interesting. It went well and it’s good to be around people again.” He’s playing a game with me. It’s exactly what he said at the diner earlier.

  “My day was pretty boring…nothing exciting,” I add innocently.

  Lennox chokes on his food and Abbey kicks my leg under the table. “Oww!”

  Logan and Lennox start talking about cars and Abbey is trying to bring me into the conversation.

  “Lilly, are you going to get a car?”

  I frown. “No, why would I get a car?”

  Of course, it gets the guys’ attention. “You want a car?” Lennox asks, curious.

  “No… I…”

  “Didn’t you say you could have your car back? Regardless, you can afford any car you want now.”

  Groaning, I hit the table with my fist. “Enough, Abbey. I don’t want to talk about Dave’s fortune here or now. This isn’t the right time.”

  “You met with the attorney, I’m guessing.”

  “You’re guessing right, Mr. Eastwood. Police Academy served you well.” I say sarcastically. Abbey has really annoyed me. Why would she do that?

  I’m going to take a couple more bites and then get out of here. Well, to my room anyway, where there is space to think. This is all too much and so intense. Startling me, I feel someone’s hand on my knee. Of course, it’s Lennox’s. Forget the bites, I drink the remainder of my wine and almost run to my room.

  “Shit! What was that?” I say to myself out loud closing the door behind me. I curl up on my bed and I try to recall what happened today since the second I woke up. It appears that Lennox is back for real and I wasn't expecting that, not today. In my mind, I had already started letting him go. Yes, I still had hopes but I tried not to put too much thought into them.

  I’m suddenly hot. I think my blood pressure has sky rocketed through the roof. Sitting back on my bed, I pull my top over my head, leaving me in just my sports bra. My room has a tall mirror, which I stand in front of to look at myself, more precisely, my tattoo. I love it but it reminds me of Lennox and the night we spent in Seattle. That was the most beautiful night of my life. Curling back on the bed, I turn off the light on the nightstand and close my eyes. I don’t want to sleep, just shut off for a while and let my mind find a moment of peace. It’s as simple as that but I keep hearing their voices and laughter. If only I could hear what they are saying but from my bedroom, it’s only a non-stop mix of blabbering.

  Minutes go by and I begin to feel a lot better, until there is a knock on the door and someone comes in. In the darkness, I can’t see who it is but I can feel his presence.

  “Abbey?” I say, knowing it isn’t

  “No, it’s me. Look, we have to talk, Lilly.”

  I cover my face with my hands. I don’t know what to say or where to start.

  “I’ll do the talking. You’ll only have to listen.”

  “Okay.” I murmur.

  “I’m sick and tired of talking about that day. I’ve never really talked to you about it before because I didn’t know what to think. Your well-being meant everything to me so when you started getting better. I crashed. I’m sorry that I took Dave’s life but I know I did the right thing.” I can hear the emotions surging into his voice. I know this isn’t easy for him. “I’ve been thinking about this moment for days and now, I’m here with you and I’m not sure what to say.”

  “Don’t worry. I get it.”

  “No, Lilly. You don’t. I told you to leave but inside, I was yelling at you to stay. I loved you then, and I still love you now but I didn’t want you to deal with me because I didn’t know how to deal with myself. I was in a lot of pain, sweetheart but I’m much better now and I want you back.”

  “Lennox. I’m seeing someone.”

  Chuckling, he sits on the bed. We’re still in the dark at this point. “You know as well as I do that what you have with Carlos isn’t serious. Nothing will ever be as powerful as us.”

  “Lennox…” I sigh. “You don’t know that. How can you say something like that?”

  Reaching for my feet, he pulls them toward him and starts massaging one. It feels really good, of course, Lennox knows what I like after a day at the diner. “I know because I’m pretty sure your body doesn’t react to him as it does to me. We have something special and we both know that. Both times I saw you, this morning and the other day, you reacted to me, you were nervous and that says a lot. I don’t know what you are trying to prove to me but I’ll be patient. I would like to take you on a date so we can find that fire we had.”

  “Lennox… I don’t know.” By now, I have tears under my eyes. I can’t play games with him because he’s smarter and can read me like a book.

  “I think you do, sweetheart.”

  I turn on the light and sit on the bed with my legs crossed. Drying the small tears off my face, I lift my eyes to look at him. He isn’t meeting my eyes. He’s looking at my tattoo, or my lack of clothes.

  “You’re voice is different now, it’s hoarser… and sexier.” Zoe has also said this to me before. I know I’m blushing and I giggle out of embarrassment. “You sound like that actress, Sophia Bush. She plays a cop.” He gives me a smile worth a million dollars.

  “Lennox, please.”

  “Just say yes to a date and you’ll see for yourself. What we had is still here.” He touches his chest, over his heart with his hand. “Say yes, sweetheart.”

  “I have a date tomorrow.” It’s a lie, I don’t. Can’t make this too easy for him.

  He hummed. “Cancel it. Trust me, you won’t regret it.”

  “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  He nods, accepting this part of the deal. I will call him. He gets up from my bed and I do the same. We’re both standing looking at each other and I don’t know what he’s waiting for me to do.

  “Come here.” He says closing in to me. The butterflies in my tummy have suddenly sprung to life and I’m flying high when his arms press me against his chest. “It’s good to be able to touch you. You have no idea how much I’ve missed this.” He kisses the top of my head and a wave of heat spreads down my body.

  “Yes.” It’s all I can say but I’m not even sure why I say it. He gives me a quick squeeze and leaves my room.

  No. Stay. Please. Stay and hold me.

  After a restless crappy night of no sleep, my legs are still tired from the day before, I bring coffee to tables or I welcome the clients as they enter the diner.

  My only concern is that Lennox is a no show and I still haven't answered his question. Should I go on a date with him tonight? I don't want to give in so easily. Does that make me a mean person? Maybe. The thing is I'm dying to go on a date with him. It has been forever since our last evening together. Last night doesn't count.

  I sigh as I clean up a table, taking the tip left. My relentless mind reminds me
that all of this working nonsense could stop if I agree to Dave's money. It just feels terribly wrong to stop working and live off all the money he earned in his lifetime. Refusing to think deeper into this, I try to distract my silly mind with the music playing in the background.

  Mrs. Layton is calling my name from behind the counter.

  "Come here, Hun, you got a package."

  What? "A package?"

  She nods and shows me the rectangular box. It's rather large. What is this? "Oh my god." I smile. "For me, really?"

  "Yes, it's your name on the envelope."

  She's right. It says Lilly. Taking the small lilac envelope in my hands, I smell it before opening it and it smells good, something flowery and sweet. I can't stop smiling, I love surprises.

  "Hurry Lilly, what does the card say?"

  Unfolding it, I recognize Lennox's handwriting right away.

  Say yes.

  L. xx

  I show her the card. "That's all?" Mrs. Layton expected more and maybe I did too.

  "He asked me on a date last night and I haven't answered yet."

  "Why not? Are you insane? That’s the cop that keeps showing up? Wait, it has been a while since I last saw him."

  Chuckling, I open the box only to find white roses and a single violet calla lily in the center. "It's beautiful." I whisper with tears in my eyes.

  "Say yes, Hun. He's a good man." She gives me a quick hug before going back to the tables.

  "Of course, I'll say yes." In the pocket of my pants, I find my phone and text him.

  Lilly: Thank you

  I leave the box on the counter and bring my clients their plates and coffees. I have to work first. Then, I'll let him know what my answer is.

  After a long day, I make it to the end of my shift and with my arms firmly holding the box of flowers; I walk outside in the mid-afternoon sun. What a nice day. Taking a moment to enjoy the sunshine, I cross the street to Abbey's apartment. As I'm about to go in to the building, I have this feeling inside of me, someone's watching me. I turn around and find Lennox waiting by his car, looking at me.