Harmonious Hearts 2017

by Olivia Anne Gennaro

  I chose not to, though. I’d thought back to Aaron’s words on the roof.

  “You could end your life, or you could carry on and see where life takes you.”

  A part of me wasn’t ready to let go yet. Because maybe I did have something with Aaron, maybe I didn’t. Maybe I’d still be too scared to pick up the phone. But at least I wouldn’t be giving up before trying anything.

  It was why, when I got out of the bath, I went to my bedroom, sat on the edge of the bed, and picked up my phone.

  When I hesitated again, I decided against calling him. It scared me way too much. But if I sent him a text…. Perhaps that would be easier.

  I took a massive breath in and slowly let it out before I began to type.

  Aaron, hey, sorry it’s been a while. I got scared. I’m still scared. I don’t know where this is going and obviously, I’m a mess. If you still want that date, let me know.

  I put my finger over the Send button, closed my eyes, and pressed down. When I heard the little whoosh sound indicating it had been sent, with my eyes still closed, I hurriedly turned my phone off. Breathing a sigh of relief, I smiled. With my phone off, I wouldn’t get anxious at every little sound it made. Then when I was ready, I could turn it back on and check for a reply.

  I was a little proud of myself as I dressed. I’d done something. I’d made a move.

  It was a step in the right direction. It was a step forward.

  I WAITED until the next morning to turn my phone back on.

  “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I muttered as it slowly started up. I jumped from foot to foot, my anxiety through the roof. I couldn’t stand the wait.

  And then finally it was over. My home screen was visible, and I could see the tiny red bubble over my messages app, letting me know I’d received a message.

  “Don’t be from the phone company,” I pleaded as I opened it.

  My eyes grew wide when I saw the lengthy reply I had from Aaron.

  Don’t worry about taking a while to get back to me, I understand completely. Though you were missed at bowling. I would love to go on that date with you, but maybe we should start with something simple? Your place? Tomorrow night? That way you’re in complete control of everything. We can just get takeout, but I feel like you’ll feel safer and happier in your own domain. Sound good?

  Sounded amazing.

  VI.

  I HAD cleaned everything to within an inch of its life. Every surface gleamed and smelled of the polish I had used. I’d even put out some candles randomly around the room, each one now lit with a tiny flame.

  For once, looking around my apartment, I was actually proud, and I was happy to be here. I mean, it had taken me the entire day to get it to a standard I felt was good enough, because according to my mind, it had to be beyond perfect. Then I’d spent two hours getting ready, so I looked perfect.

  I was so fucking stressed it was unbelievable. But worrying about the apartment and my appearance had stopped me from worrying about the date itself. Until now. Now that I had nothing to do but wait, my thoughts began to spin out of control, and I was left feeling inadequate again.

  This would be so easy for anyone else. Instead I felt like I’d run a marathon after only preparing for a week.

  Shaking myself, I went to the kitchen, grabbed a glass, and filled it with cold water from the fridge. I was on my third glass when the doorbell rang.

  “Fuck me,” I muttered.

  I went to the entrance, glancing at myself in the mirror. I looked good, my hair was slicked into some fancy pouf thing I knew was popular, my aftershave smelled amazing.

  And I was still freaking out.

  Drawing in a deep breath, I gave myself a little pep talk. “You are a strong gay man, and you are going to have an awesome date with a cute guy who doesn’t think you’re crazy, even though he knows you are. Man up, Jake. You can do this.”

  I nodded. Yes. I could do this.

  I opened the door and smiled at Aaron, who grinned at me.

  “Hey,” he said brightly, surprising me with a bouquet of daffodils and a warm hug. “So, not only did I remember your favorite flower, but I bought you, like, twelve of them.

  I laughed. “Thank you, honestly.”

  “It’s not a problem.”

  I waved him in, taking the flowers and somehow finding a vase I didn’t know I owned, because really, what twenty-year-old owns a vase?

  “I also bought wine,” said Aaron. “The joys of being twenty-one. I can finally buy my own booze.”

  I laughed. “I can’t wait for that. No more begging my older relatives to borrow their ID.”

  “Shit,” he said. “I should’ve done that. Instead I got a fake ID and then promptly lost it ’cause it didn’t even look real from six feet away, it was so bad.”

  I chuckled, pointing to the coffee table. “Takeout menus are over there. Pick what you want.”

  He nodded, heading over. When he bent in half, his jeans stretched over his ass. And damn, what a mighty fine ass it was. He turned around and smirked.

  “Checking out my ass, Montgomery?”

  “Uh, no.”

  “It’s okay if you were, you know,” he said, strutting toward me.

  I gulped. He placed the menu on the kitchen bench and guided me against it, caging me in.

  “Don’t be scared,” he whispered, his hands holding my hips in place. “I’m not going to hurt you. We’re going to have fun, and we’re not going to talk about anything too serious, okay? Let’s have fun and see where this goes.”

  I nodded, and I decided if tonight was about seeing where this would go, then maybe I should try something. So I did.

  I kissed him.

  He gasped against my mouth but quickly returned the kiss with equal fervor. His hands tightened, pulling me against him. I groaned when I felt the hard bulge of his cock against my stomach. Holy fuck. I was turning him on! And with my hands now full of the ass I had just been admiring, my own cock was swelling in response. Our kiss was full of heat and passion. Our hips began to move, the much-needed friction giving me some relief but ramping up my desire for him to a whole new level.

  Then Aaron softened it, the kiss becoming slower and more sensual, and fuck if it didn’t make me want him more.

  “Oh God,” he groaned, pulling away slightly, my hands still kneading his ass. “Too fast, maybe? Let’s order food. That’s a good idea. Yeah. Smart. That’s a smart move.”

  “You’re starting to ramble,” I said, letting him move away.

  “Yeah, well, it’d be kind of embarrassing if I came from just making out, right?”

  I shrugged. “Wouldn’t know. It’s never happened to me before.”

  “Ass,” he muttered, bumping me with his hip. “You look more relaxed now, though. That’s good.”

  “It is, isn’t it?”

  Aaron smiled, pulling out his phone. “Right, what do you want?”

  AFTER OUR dinner arrived—Chinese—we sat on the couch, a feast on the coffee table before us, talking. I stabbed my chopsticks into my noodles, laughing at one of Aaron’s funny tales, while becoming more and more frustrated over my inability to use the damn things.

  “Jeez, careful there,” Aaron said. “You may want to invest in the ones that are attached at the tops.”

  “The ones for beginners?” I asked. “Yeah, I tried them. I couldn’t even get the hang of that. Maybe it’s a genetic thing, not being able to use chopsticks.”

  He chuckled. “Just use a fork.”

  “Yeah, but then I’d be giving up,” I muttered, trying again.

  Aaron watched, chortling, until I managed to pick up a couple of noodles and stuff them into my mouth.

  “Ha! I did it!” I cried triumphantly.

  Aaron laughed even harder at my glee, only just managing to set his food down before he fell off the couch. I grumbled a bit but soon found myself laughing with him.

  The rest of the night passed in much the same way, with us laughing and talking. I got
to know Aaron better, and thankfully we didn’t dive into anything too deep. Everything was lighthearted, and when I said good night to him at the door, a part of me didn’t want him to leave. But I knew I was no way near ready for us to progress further. So I made do with a good night kiss, smiling to myself, my lips still tingling as I closed the door and went back to my bedroom. And as I curled up in bed, I kept replaying the whole night over and over again in my head.

  VII.

  FOUR DATES and three bowling weekends later, I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. I was scared that I was going backward. But I couldn’t make myself crawl out from under the covers. Nothing and no one could get me out right now. I didn’t want to face the world. I didn’t even want to see my living room.

  I was so scared of everything. So I pulled the duvet over my head and ignored the world. I had briefly toyed with the idea of getting a job, but the idea of leaving my room terrified me. Even the walk to the bathroom seemed like a colossal task right now. But I knew I couldn’t live off the inheritance my grandmother had left me forever. It was going to run out soon, and I would have to do something about my lack of funds. And yet, the darkness created around me by the blankets gave me the illusion of safety, one I feared would be all too easily shattered if I made a wrong move.

  Like a small child who was scared that if their foot dangled over the edge of the bed, a monster would grab them, I was scared that if any part of me wasn’t protected by the blankets, my depression would consume me.

  I must’ve fallen asleep, because I woke up to a warm body cuddled up next to me. I knew who it was immediately. Aaron and I hadn’t had sex yet, but he had spent the night in my bed. And cuddling together had quickly become both very enjoyable and very safe. It meant that my haven wasn’t destroyed, especially because he had covered himself with the blankets completely as well.

  “Hey,” Aaron whispered. “You doing okay?”

  “No,” I murmured. “I just feel really flat, I guess.”

  “Like a pancake?”

  “More like a crepe.”

  He grimaced and pulled me closer. Even with our faces only inches away, I could barely see him, but I could feel his warm breath on my neck, and his woodsy cologne filled the small, warm space. “I know I haven’t said much about it, but I think you should see a therapist. Or someone to talk to, you know? I worry about you when I’m not with you.”

  I frowned. “I dunno….”

  “Look, I remember what you said to me when we met. You said flowers were unmanly. Did you get bullied in school for being gay?”

  I nodded.

  “And that affected how you saw yourself, didn’t it? You don’t see yourself in a good light, so you let lots of awful thoughts about yourself take hold in your mind, even if you don’t mean to?”

  I nodded again.

  “Maybe if you go, it might help you come to terms with everything that happened. It might not help, but if it does, it might make life a little easier.”

  “What if they put me on something?”

  Aaron moved closer, pressing his forehead against mine. “There is no shame in being on medication, okay? Whatever helps you get through the day, whether it’s medication or just talking, doesn’t matter, as long as you’re heading toward a tomorrow.”

  I closed my eyes. “I’m scared.”

  “Your brain is an organ, sweetheart,” he said. “And like any other organ that’s sick, you go to a doctor and treat it. And this,” he rubbed the scars on my wrists, “this isn’t healthy. We both know it. I don’t like seeing you like this, Jake. I really like you, I do. And I never want to see a fresh scar on you. So, please, for your own health, talk to someone. Because I can see a future with you, and I hope you can too.”

  “How’d you get to be so smart?”

  He shrugged. “Hell if I know. I still don’t know what I’m doing with my life—can’t be that smart.”

  “Maybe be a nurse,” I mumbled, letting him hold me closer.

  Aaron smiled. “Maybe, or maybe I’ll just be the guy who makes you feel better when you need it.”

  “That doesn’t make much money.”

  “I’ll sell houses, then.”

  I smiled. “Sounds smarter.”

  “Just sleep. We’ll figure something out when you wake up. Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  AARON CONVINCED me to talk to someone, and after my first session, he showed up at my apartment with food and flowers.

  “How’d it go?”

  “I cried a lot,” I said.

  “Crying’s good. Sometimes you need to just let it out,” he said, passing me a slice of pizza. “Anything else?”

  “Yeah, she’s gonna see how I go and then might put me on something.”

  “That’s good news,” said Aaron, grabbing my hand, and giving it a squeeze. “It means we’re going to make progress.”

  “We?”

  “Oh, if you think I’m leaving, you really are crazy,” he said. “I’m sticking with you, and not just because you’re super cute.”

  I poked my tongue out at him. “So, now what?”

  “Now,” he murmured, his eyes glazing over as he leaned forward. “Now, we celebrate you choosing life.”

  “You’re so weird.”

  “You like it,” Aaron said before kissing me.

  I sank back into the couch, my hands roaming over his body as our kiss deepened. He pulled back slightly and tugged off my shirt, his hands sliding over my stomach, tweaking my nipples on the way down before resting at the waistband of my jeans.

  “Maybe we should continue this in your bedroom,” he murmured, nipping my jaw.

  “Good plan,” I whispered, pulling his face to mine for a hard kiss before shoving him backward and racing to my room.

  Aaron was laughing behind me as he followed and tackled me onto the bed. A broad smile settled on my face as I lay back, prepared for what would hopefully be a very long night.

  Epilogue

  “AND THIS year’s teams are…,” Lulu cried. “Can I get a drumroll, please?”

  We all thundered our feet on the floor, making Lulu grin widely. She thrust a hand into Max’s beanie and pulled out a small piece of paper. After flinging the hat at Max, she carefully unfolded it, her eyes going wide.

  “Well, well, well,” she said ominously. “It looks like this year the teams are being picked randomly. So, everyone, take a piece of paper, put your name on it, and hand it to Max.”

  She quickly passed out small bits of paper she’d ripped from the bigger sheet.

  “You got a pen?” I asked Aaron, leaning into him.

  He grinned, pulling one out of his pocket.

  “Boy Scout,” I muttered, grabbing it from him before he could use it. I scribbled my name down and passed the pen back to him, smiling cheekily.

  “Rude,” he said. “Just rude.”

  I scoffed as Max came around with the now empty beanie, taking our names.

  Like every week for the past six months, Aaron and I were at the bowling alley, ready to kick ass. Except this week was the start of a new year, and after winning the trophy last year, Aaron and I had not only celebrated that win, but also how well I was doing. We’d made baby steps in our relationship, taking all the advice I was given in therapy to help me get better. I was still on meds and I was sure I would be for a good while yet, but it didn’t bother me anymore, because Aaron was beside me, encouraging me. He’d even helped me to get a job at one of the diners in town. It had been a big step for me, and I sure as hell hadn’t expected to enjoy it as much as I did. It helped that Aaron often popped in when he had a free moment between his classes at the local college, where he was studying nursing.

  Every step of the way, Aaron had been helping me to make progress and with him, I was so much healthier and happier. I hadn’t had nearly as many bad days as I did before. I still had days where I felt as flat as a pancake, but we spent those days curled up watching TV. And we moved on. Life was actually good.
I was happy.

  But right now, I was mostly happy to be around my boyfriend and my friends, because even though they were all a little weird, I loved their weird.

  “Thank you, everybody,” Lulu said, standing back up on the little table. Max held out the beanie, and she put her hand in. “And on the first team we have—Aaron!”

  Aaron smiled, settling back in his chair, taking me with him because his arm was around my shoulders.

  “We also have, Max, Chrissy, and Meghan,” said Lulu, taking out more names. “And for our second team, I guess that leaves, Christopher, Thalia, Jake, and me.”

  I looked at Aaron, a wide grin on my face. “I guess this means we’re playing against each other this year.”

  “You’re going down,” Aaron said.

  “No, I think that’s your job.”

  “Loser gives the winner a blow job?” he asked.

  I shook his outstretched hand.

  “And it looks like for the first time, a challenge has been set within the challenge,” Lulu said, acting like an emcee. “This is much higher stakes, fellas. Thalia, Christopher, we better make sure we win.”

  Thalia looked at her girlfriend, who just shook her head.

  “Bet on vacuuming,” Chrissy said. “That’ll make me happy.”

  “Spoilsport,” Thalia muttered.

  I just smiled at their antics and leaned closer into Aaron, who turned his head and pressed a kiss on top of my hair.

  “I love you,” he whispered.

  “I love you too.”

  KAT BLAKE is a native New Zealander who now lives in Queensland, Australia, with her family and two dogs. She is currently holding on to her teens before she hits that dreaded adulthood stage of her life.