His Wounded Light

by Christine Brae

  “I’ll miss you, babies. Have fun with Grandma and Grandpa.” I stand by the doorway and watch them disappear into the elevator.

  Two hours later, I’m relaxing by the picture window reading a book in my pajamas. The apartment is quiet. I’ve given both Emmy and the cook the weekend off as a way of confronting my apprehension about being alone. Loneliness has nothing to do with how many friends you have, how many people love you or how many bright and shiny things you can afford. You can be surrounded by everything you want in your life and still be the saddest person in the world. Despite all the love and support that I have from my family, I feel deserted. I’m abandoned. Their consoling words, their heartfelt touch, their bereaved tears. They don’t do a thing for me; they do nothing to stop me from breaking.

  My phone rings and I’m only a little bitter that it breaks the silence.

  “Hi, Eves.”

  “Guess who’s playing at Strums tonight?”

  “Who?”

  “Our favorite band!”

  “No. Really?”

  “Yes! And guess who’s got tickets?”

  “Eves. It’s after nine, I’m already getting ready for bed.”

  “You’re playing Sudoku and drinking hot tea again. I know your weekend routine. You need to get out of your pajamas and get over here. I’ll see you at ten.”

  I find her sitting a table right in front of the stage at 10:15 and cut to the chase, wondering what she’s doing here, and alone.

  “Where’s Winston?”

  “Business trip. These tickets are a gift from a friend of his.”

  The music bar is packed since it’s a Saturday night. All of the tables are full and there are people standing all the way in the back as well as on the sidelines. It’s smoky and loud and dark but I have to admit, the band is playing really awesome music.

  “I ordered you your favorite,” Evie says as the waiter delivers us our drinks.

  I take a sip of the Tanqueray and cranberry; it’s as wonderful as I remembered. “Thank you for convincing me to come. I’m having fun,” I admit, smiling at Evie as we take the final swigs of our drinks and she motions the waiter to bring two more.

  The music is really getting underway and people are now standing up and dancing. Evie has always been a party girl and so it’s no surprise that she’s up and about, socializing and talking to friends that she knows from our circle. I’m left sitting alone at the table for a few minutes. But not for long. I feel a slight tap on my shoulder and find a tall, dark-haired stranger standing right behind me.

  “Excuse me, is this seat taken?” he asks. I like that he looks nervous and unsure. He looks young, maybe a few years younger than me, with slightly longer, trendily messy hair and light hazel colored eyes.

  Well, they’re not blue.

  “My sister is sitting there but I don’t know where she is!” I laugh nervously.

  “That’s okay, here, let me grab another one.” He struts over to the table next to him, charms the two ladies falling all over him and walks back toward me effortlessly carrying a chair under his arm. He plops it down right next to me and sits before he signals the waiter and orders two more drinks for us.

  “I’m Lucas.” He extends his hand and offers it to me.

  “Isabel.”

  Evie sees this exchange before I can say more and walks back to our table.

  “This is my sister Evie. Eves, this is Lucas.”

  Evie shakes his hand and leans into my ear. “Winston took a late night flight home,” she whispers. “He’s waiting outside for me. Sorry. I have to take you home now.”

  “Oh. Well, why don’t you go ahead, I’ll call for the car when I’m ready to leave? I’ll stay for a few more minutes to finish my drink.”

  “You sure? I don’t want you to be here alone.”

  “I’m not alone.” I nod my head in Lucas’ direction. “Just one more drink and I’ll head out.”

  “Okay. Call me when you get home.” She gives me a kiss and slings her purse over her shoulder. “Nice to meet you, Lucas.”

  “She had to go home, her husband just arrived from an out of town trip,” I explain. We have to move in closer to hear each other through the loud music.

  “Do you have to go home too?” he asks with a tinge of disappointment in his voice.

  “Soon.”

  We sit in silence for a while; I feel poised enough not to force a conversation. I survey the crowd in front of me and decide that this truly isn’t my scene. As I’m contemplating an excuse to get up and leave, the room goes dark and the band starts to play “This Year’s Love.”

  “I love this song. Would you like to dance with me?” Lucas asks tentatively.

  Alex and I loved this song too.

  “Sure,” I answer.

  He takes my hand and leads me to the dance floor. I don’t know how it happens, but as soon as we touch, he brings his lips to mine and kisses me. I don’t pull away; I let him take the lead and I follow willingly. Maybe it’s the song. Maybe it’s the drinks. For whatever it’s worth, his lips feel new and I feel beautiful. I’m young again and what feels like an eternity of sadness on my shoulders are fading away. I think this should be the new me. Total strangers, no strings. Whoever said that love is overrated is absolutely right.

  “What do you say we go somewhere a little bit quieter?” he whispers directly in my ear as his hand lightly caresses the small of my back.

  “Okay.” I pull away from him and walk to our table to retrieve my purse.

  He leaves some cash on the table and guides me out the door to his car. We walk through a long and narrow dimly lit alley in silence. He stops for a moment to take me in his arms and kiss me. The kiss turns hungry and frantic but no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to get lost in the moment. I push him off me as soon as I hear footsteps coming towards us. “Lucas? Lucas Martinez?” It’s so dark that I don’t recognize the face at first, but as it comes into full view, I know him.

  “Jesse Cain? What are you doing here?”

  “Lucas, man, what are you doing with her? Don’t you know she’s married?”

  “You know each other?” I ask, surprised. “And by the way, I’m not married,” I say defiantly.

  Jesse looks at me and shakes his head as if he can’t believe what he just heard, his eyes getting wider by the second. “We went to grad school together,” Jesse answers sharply. “Lucas, I’d leave right now if I were you.”

  Lucas looks at us, first at me then at Jesse. “Isabel, you’re beautiful, but I’m not getting in the middle of this.” He points his finger between us and waves it back and forth. “It was very nice to meet you.” He hands me a business card. “Please call me if you’d like to get together some other time.”

  A few seconds later, all we can hear is the sound of Lucas’ quick footsteps on the gravel road fading away. For a brief instance, I feel cheap, guilty.

  “Isabel, what do you think you were doing just now?” Jesse asks sternly.

  “I was exerting my newly found freedom. Isn’t it just great?” I start to walk away from him, more uncomfortable than angry.

  He grabs my arm and turns me around to face him. “You were going to sleep with a stranger tonight. From what I can remember, this is completely out of character for you.”

  “How is that your business?”

  “I don’t want you to get hurt.” He steps towards me and I back away.

  “Let me through, Jesse. I want to go home.”

  “Talk to me, Iss. Why would you do something like this?”

  “Oh my God? Seriously? Do you even know what I’ve been through in the past few months? I’m so angry right now I don’t even know what to say. Just let me go!” I try to shove him out of my way and when that doesn’t work, I pound on his chest and cry.

  He takes my flailing arms and pins them under his, pulling me flush against his front. Lucas’ business card falls down to the ground, unnoticed. “Take your anger out on me, Iss, he whispers against my ha
ir. “I’m here. I’m here for you.”

  The ground underneath me feels unsteady and my mind is nothing but a cesspool of recklessness and despondency and despair. I have an urgent need to cleanse myself of him. To hurt him as much as he hurt me.

  This. This will do it.

  “Fuck me, Jesse.” I look him bravely in the eye and he stares back at me in shock.

  The last two things inside me were Alex and Sophie. They need to be replaced with something temporary and transient, easily disposable to guard against future heartache.

  My words strike him like a bolt of lightning. I know this because he takes an involuntary step backwards, as if he’s lost his footing. “Iss, you don’t know what you’re saying. Let me take you home.”

  “What’s the matter, Mr. Popular? Afraid to be seen alone with a woman in a dark and dirty alley?” I spit out, posing a challenge. Jesse never backs down from one; this much I know about the man I used to love.

  “No. That’s ridiculous.”

  I turn around and lay my palm on the brick wall with one hand. I use the other hand to lift my dress up. I cup his front and rub my back against him. “I said, fuck me.”

  I don’t have to tell him twice. I hear him unbutton his pants and pull down his zipper. He loops one arm around my front and squeezes my breast, holding me firmly in place and entering me roughly from behind. I let out a cry at the onslaught of his body lunging into me again and again and again. It dawns on me, after a moment, just how big he is. I don’t even remember that. Alex has erased every single memory of him. We move silently in the twilight, his hands kneading me ferociously and his mouth on my neck. The assault on my body feels good. I try my best not to let go, to suppress any bit of sound to make sure I don’t show him any hint of pleasure. I feel one more big push followed by some shaking and trembling and I know that he is done. I slip him out of me with calm detachment, adjust my underwear, straighten up my dress, comb my hair in place, and start to walk away. The only thing I want to do is wash away the filth I feel inside. He’s still catching his breath, surprised that I’ve left him so abruptly.

  I don’t turn around to look at him but I make sure that he senses the venom in my voice. “Stay away from me and mind your own business. I don’t ever want to see you again.”

  ***

  “Hope is a good breakfast but it is a bad supper.”

  —Francis Bacon

  I’m knocked back into consciousness the next day by a ringing sound that continues despite the heavy slap of my hand on the alarm clock’s snooze button. It takes me a few seconds to realize that it’s my cell phone.

  “Hello?” I haven’t found my voice yet so it’s more a breath than a sound that transfers through the phone lines.

  “Isa! What happened last night? What time did you get home?”

  “Ugh. Hi, Eves. Long story. I’m actually still sleeping. Can I call you back later?”

  “Just tell me. Did anything exciting happen with that Lucas guy? I’m dying to know!”

  “Not really. As I said, long story. I’ll call you later.” I hang up the phone before she can respond. I haven’t even opened my eyes.

  I’m just about to drift back to sleep when this time, it’s the doorbell that chimes incessantly. I pull on my robe and reluctantly trudge towards my front door. Here he is. Standing right in front of me.

  He walks right in, no greeting, no small talk. He’s wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. Something I haven’t seen him wear in years. The sight of him becomes familiar; he looks the same as he did years ago. Picture perfect even in casual clothes. His posture is stiff and his jaw is clenched; one hand is in his pocket and the other is holding his car keys. “Did you really think that you could walk away from me after what happened last night?” he demands.

  I shut the door and follow him in. He takes a seat on the couch and I sit on the one across from him. I can’t believe this is happening.

  “How did you get upstairs?”

  “The doorman used to work for one of my companies.” His eyes are creased to the sides; they’re smiling at me.

  “Geez. Is there something or someone here that you either don’t own or don’t know?”

  He ignores my comment. I’ve forgotten how gray his eyes are. Today, they’re soft and gentle and full of longing. I can see the purity of a person’s soul through his eyes. More often than not it’s a gift, sometimes it can become a curse.

  “Iss. What happened last night?”

  “Nothing. Last night was nothing.” I needed a release and you were there to give it to me.

  “I called off my engagement. I need to sort this out.”

  “What? That’s outrageous! Jesse! Go on with your life! I’m not going to ever be a part of it. You and I are only going to be friends, if that.” I stand up defensively and pace around the room.

  He follows me with his eyes, but remains seated. “It’s not you, it’s me.”

  “Look, we’re not kids in high school or college anymore. We’re adults. What happened last night was a moment of weakness on our parts. On mine. I’m sorry I put you through that, but we can move on. No one will know. You finally have someone who loves you and you’re just about to start a family. Move on from this.”

  He jerks his head upwards and looks at me angrily, then takes a few steps over and sits on the ottoman right in front of me. “So, what’s next Iss?” he hisses, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Now that you’ve gotten him out of your system, are you just going to flit from man to man, leaving a trail of devastation in your wake?”

  My hand automatically flies up to slap him on the face. He’s so solid and strong that he doesn’t even flinch. “Get out,” I manage to say before I bury my face in my hands and sob. My legs give out and I sink to the floor, exhausted and drained.

  He scoots himself to the edge of his seat and pulls me in to him. My head is resting on his shoulder and his arms are around my back. Our bodies aren’t touching. There’s a space between us, an appropriate one.

  I’m not sure whether he can make out what I’m saying since I’m hiding under the tip of his shirt collar as I ramble on. “You don’t know how it feels to lose your husband and child in one day and then hold it together for your family. Sometimes I wish I could just let it swallow me. I want to lash out, hurt him, hurt myself. I’m trying so hard to deal with everything alone!”

  He rocks me back and forth, his shirt damp with my tears, and tips my chin up so he’s looking into my eyes. “Shh. It’s okay. First of all, you’re not alone. You have your sisters, your best friend. You have me. I’m here. As a friend. As whatever. Second, the bastard still really loves you. In his sick, misguided way, he thought he was doing this for you. I’m sorry about what I said earlier. I’m worried you’re going to spiral out of control if you don’t talk to anyone about your feelings.”

  Did he just say what I heard him say?

  I wipe my eyes with my hands and look up at him, confounded.

  He knows what I want to ask him, so he continues, “Yes, Alex did come to see me a few weeks ago to tell me that he was divorcing you for your own good.”

  “Why would he do that? Why would he give me away?” I start to sob again, this time making no effort to conceal my dismay at being treated like an item that can be bartered, an object to be traded.

  “Iss, please, please don’t cry. My point is that he loves you enough to make a fool of himself and approach me about it.” A tiny smile forms on his lips. “Me. His mortal enemy.”

  I pull away from him, wanting to understand. “What did you say to him? Tell me. Tell me what you talked about. Please don’t leave anything out.”

  ***

  “When you buy a vase for cheap, look for the flaw; when a man offers favors, look for the motive.”

  —Japanese Proverb

  Jesse takes a deep breath and starts to speak.

  “My secretary told me that I had an 11:00 am penciled in that day. Apparently, his secretary persuaded my secretary to move
my schedule around to accommodate a quick meeting with him. I was at a loss as to why he wanted to see me. Everyone who’s anyone knew about the accident. It was all over the news. Frankly, I’d been wanting to reach out to you, but I didn’t quite know what I would say once I got to see you. You looked so happy at that Charity Event, so at peace with everything in your life. The way you looked at the hospital was such a contrast to that night and my heart broke for you all over again. It wasn’t just your ordeal that drew me in; your beauty and grace in the midst of all the madness was just plain admirable. Every single time I ran into you, your loveliness never ceased to take my breath away. Don’t get me wrong. It doesn’t take away the feelings that I have for Rose. Rose is my future as much as you are my past.

  The conference room where I saw you two years ago was the same setting for our meeting. By the time I got there, he had just wheeled himself in. He looked good, actually. He still had that presence despite the fact that he wasn’t towering over people or sauntering around like a model. I approached him suspiciously and offered him my hand right before calling him “Pretty Boy.”

  “To what do I owe this honor?” I asked sarcastically. We will never be friends. I hated him all over again.

  “I’m here to ask for a favor.” I hardly heard him spit out the last word in that sentence. His eyes moved frantically from one corner of the room to the other. He was nervous and agitated. It was obvious that he didn’t want to be there.

  “A favor? From me?” I laughed.

  “More like to collect on a debt,” he replied.

  “I don’t owe you anything, Ailey. What the hell are you talking about?”

  “You owe me for not bashing your face in and bringing you down after you tried multiple times to take my wife away from me.”

  I smiled to myself. “You have a point. Go on.”

  “I’ve asked Isabel for a divorce.”

  I shook my head and glared at him incredulously. “Because of that?” I pointed to his wheelchair.

  “She deserves so much more than this,” he continued. “And I can’t live with that fact.”