His Wounded Light

by Christine Brae

  I turned my head to look at him, disgust all over my face. “Don’t you think she deserves to have what she wants? She’s made it clear that she loves you. You have two children, Ailey. The stakes have changed in this game you and I are playing. Why are you going to ruin that because of your goddamn pride?”

  He didn’t waste any time mocking me. “Cut the bullshit, Cain. I’ve seen the way you look at her. You still want her. I’m here to ask you to take care of her. You’re more in a position to do that. I was there when you were her entire world. And sure, I know that I’m in it now and I believe her when she says that it’s me, but I have no doubt you can make her love you again, Romeo.”

  I clenched my fists together and it took all the energy I had to stop myself from punching him. He was so smug about it that it sickened me. “When did you stop loving your wife?”

  “On the contrary. I’m doing this because I love her.” His eyes darted back and forth. He couldn’t even look straight at me.

  “This is fucking insane! What drugs do they have you on? You have completely lost your mind! Our meeting is over. Isabel is not a piece of meat that we get to pass on between each other. Go home to your family, Ailey. Be a man. Take care of them and continue to love your wife. Fuck this altruistic game you’re playing. You have everything you can ever ask for. You won her twelve years ago. Work on deserving her, you asshole.”

  I leaned over the table and pressed the buttons on the speaker phone pad. “Mila, I’m done in here. Please have someone come in to escort Mr. Ailey out.”

  I didn’t say another word, I just turned my back on him and slammed the door.”

  I try to digest every word Jesse tells me, though I can’t think much over the sound of my sobs. I’m infuriated at Alex. Maybe if I knew this sooner. No. Wait. There’s still the pain of Sophie.

  I make every effort to speak rationally and try my hardest to calm myself down. “Well, knowing the way he feels about you, it took a lot from him to go and see you,” I say quietly. “Maybe you need to give him credit for that.”

  He walks over to the kitchen table and hands me a napkin. “I do.” There’s a brief pause as I lean back on the couch and he moves to sit right next to me. He tilts his head towards the napkin he just gave me. “Sorry, that’s all I could find.”

  I nod my head and dab my face with it. “It’ll work better than my sleeve. Or your shirt.”

  He laughs softly before looking directly at me. “Do you want him back?”

  “No. It’s too late for that.”

  He lays his right hand palm side up, the familiar Jesse move I know so well. “Hey, listen. I haven’t had breakfast yet. Want me to make you something?” He laughs after he realizes what he just said. “I mean, want me to have the driver pick something up for us to eat?”

  “That would be nice.” I force a smile on my face and willingly slip my hand in his.

  Thirty minutes later, we’re sitting at my kitchen table enjoying a lighthearted conversation and sampling the spread of McDonald’s breakfast items in front of us. We talk about a wide range of things but mostly about Maddy and Eddie and the different activities they’re in.

  “Hmm. So why’d we get so much food? Are you doing research?” I tease him as I take a bite of my steak and egg bagel. As the owner of a variety of restaurant chains, he’s eating from the competition.

  “Well, yes, aside from the fact that a certain someone used to be obsessed with McDonald’s breakfast.”

  “I know. It’s a wonder that I didn’t gain a ton of weight then.”

  “You look even better today, what’s your secret?”

  “Lots and lots of moisturizer.” I giggle. I realize what time it is and need to get going. There’s so much writing that I need to get done before the children come home from their grandparents’. I also tell him that I need to get ready to leave for church soon.

  “So, what do you say we do something next week? Maybe go up to that mountain resort or somewhere we can just relax?”

  “I’m not ready for weekends away, Jess.”

  “Okay. How about dinner and a movie? Or dinner? Or a movie?” I know he’s nervous because his hand is back going through his hair over and over again.

  “Let’s play it by ear, would that be okay?” I know I’m not going to call him. I know he needs to stay with Rose. End of story.

  “Yes, that’s fine.”

  I stand up to start putting away the empty bags and packages. He helps me grab them and throw them in the trash.

  “Thank you for stopping by, Jesse. I hope you have a good week.”

  “Isa.” He stands up to face me in the kitchen and pulls me in his arms. I can feel something between us, but I can’t define it and I won’t condone it. “Last night, Iss. I can’t stop—”

  I hold my finger up to stop him. “No. Don’t say it.”

  The look on his face tells me that this is a new Jesse. No longer defiant or insistent, calmer and more accepting. The grayness of his eyes seems illuminated, lighter in shade and sunnier even.

  “See you again, Issy.”

  “Bye, Jess.”

  I don’t even walk him to the front door.

  ***

  “As soon as it happens, gravity sucks the air out of your lungs and for a split second, no matter how hard you try, there is no air inside you. Your lungs are barren. You’re empty. This was my freefall. I felt smothered, like I was dying. For the longest time, he was my air. He was my life.”

  —Isabel, The Light in the Wound

  The following week is busy with Eddie’s school activities. Maddy and I have been watching his basketball games every day this week. Alex has too, for that matter. Emmy takes Maddy over to him so they can sit together by the team. He missed so many games after the accident that they had to replace him as assistant coach. For now, we’re both spectators sitting on the opposite sides of the gymnasium. I remain high in the stands, keeping an eye on them from afar. He looks good. His face no longer appears tortured and unhappy except once in a while when I catch him watching me. I’m starting to think that maybe he was on to something, that the pressure of being married to someone like me was too much for him, or that leaving me will turn out to be a blessing for both of us. I seem to attract pain in all shapes and sizes. Never again, if I can help it. Not ever again.

  People at Eddie’s school know that we’re no longer living together. The mothers still flock to him and flirt with him at every single school gathering. One day, it’s no longer going to hurt and I’ll be happy for him. For now, I’ve become accustomed to looking away and letting things be.

  I walk out of a meeting on Thursday afternoon and quickly stop by the reception desk to pick up my messages. We’re currently in negotiations to sell one of our properties for which we received an outstanding offer. I’m concentrating on sifting through the stack of pink slips of paper—Jesse twice, Alex thrice, my personal shopper once. Alex’s calls are a daily constant these days. The mere fact that he continues to reach out to me helps me to survive each day. I play a game with myself, afraid that once I call him back he’ll stop. So I don’t call. I haven’t heard his voice in months.

  “Hi, Isabel.” A stranger’s voice interrupts my thoughts.

  I turn around and don’t immediately recognize who it is. “Yes?”

  “It’s me, Lucas Martinez.” He looks down at the floor, obviously embarrassed at having to remind me who he is, cheeks pinking as he waits for me to acknowledge my recognition. He has a lopsided smile and perfect teeth. The lighting in the bar didn’t allow me to fully appreciate how handsome he looks. He has darker skin than I do, a fine nose and high cheekbones.

  “Hi, Lucas, sorry, I was so engrossed in reading my phone messages.” I force out a laugh. “What can I do for you? How did you find me?”

  “Isabel, everyone knows you work for your family. Your mother’s name is on a sign outside this building. I had a meeting across the street so I thought I’d take the chance to stop by and ask you to l
unch.”

  It’s a little past one in the afternoon. I’m hesitant, but I am hungry. “Sure, did you want to just go to one of the restaurants downstairs? I have a two o’clock, but we have a little less than an hour. I can grab my purse and we can go. See you back here in five minutes?”

  “Sounds good. I’ll be waiting right here.”

  Ten minutes later, we’re seated at a sandwich place on the ground floor. The mood is light and refreshing and easy. I order a salad and he orders a steak sandwich. I find out that he’s only two years younger than me at 32 and running a startup digital media company. He’s never been married but has been in a few high profile relationships. He seems genuinely interested in getting to know me.

  “So you had Maddy ten years after Eddie? You still look like you’re in your twenties. You must have married pretty young.”

  “I did. No regrets, though, they’re wonderful children.”

  “I’m sure they are; I can already tell you’re an awesome mom.”

  I raise one eyebrow at him. “Really? How so? I don’t think those attributes come out after one night at a bar.”

  “The way you just talk about them. Your eyes just light up so naturally. You have beautiful eyes, by the way. I can tell a lot about a person’s substance by looking into their eyes.”

  Now I’m feeling a little bit vulnerable. “How come you never married, Lucas?” I don’t really have an appetite at the moment, so I’m mixing my greens around and around my plate.

  “I guess I’m still looking for the one for me. Every time I think this is it, something always happens to make me rethink my decisions. I think I’m just still having a lot of fun being single.”

  “Welcome to my world,” I say, afraid that I just let him on to my bitterness. Thankfully, he doesn’t seem to pick up on it.

  “Besides, I think love is overrated.”

  This poor guy, he’s not giving himself a chance. That’s just for people like me.

  “No, Lucas, it isn’t. One day, you’ll find the right girl for you and it’s going to be as great as everyone says it is.” As I say it, I find that, surprisingly, I mean it.

  He laughs. “Then let’s toast to finding love.”

  “To Finding Love,” I respond as we both click our glasses of water together.

  A few hours after lunch, there’s a message on my voicemail from him. “Hi, Isabel. It’s Lucas. I just wanted to thank you for having lunch with me. I was wondering whether I could see you again sometime. I would really love to get to know you. Here’s my cell phone number…”

  I smile and reply with a text message:

  TEXT FROM ISABEL: Hi Lucas, thank you for your message. I enjoyed our lunch. Yes, let’s keep in touch.

  Evie comes over for dinner that night. Eddie and Maddy have long since gone to bed and we’re sitting in the kitchen having a glass of wine. My phone rings in the middle of our conversation and it’s Jesse. I signal to her that I’m going to take it.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi. How’ve you been?”

  “Good, and you?” I glance at Evie, who’s making faces at me. I have to look away or else I’m going to laugh.

  “Good. Was worried since you haven’t returned my calls.”

  “Sorry, it’s been crazy. Eddie’s in a tournament; there were games every day this week.”

  “Was Alex there?”

  “Yes, he was.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yes.” We pause for a few seconds. Evie has gotten up to get us more wine.

  “So I was wondering if I could pick you up this weekend to watch a baseball game with me.”

  A flashback of the first time he asked me to watch him play makes my lips curve up in a smile. It feels just like yesterday when I first spotted him on the pitcher’s mound.

  “There’s a home game this weekend?”

  “Yes, there’s a game this weekend. Come with me; it’ll be fun.”

  “Okay.”

  “Pick you up at nine?”

  “I’ll be ready. Thank you, Jesse.”

  “Can’t wait to see you.”

  I hang up the phone and look for Evie, who has moved from the kitchen to the living room.

  “So? What does Mr. Obsession want?”

  “He’s taking me to a baseball game on Saturday,” I respond, taking a seat next to her as she hands me my glass of wine.

  “Huh. There’s a game this weekend?” Evidently, she’s confused too.

  I shrug my shoulders; the wine is relaxing me enough not to question the city’s baseball game schedule. “Apparently. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve watched a game?” I know exactly how long it’s been since I’ve watched a game. Especially with Jesse Cain. I’m so glad my sister is here to keep me company. Otherwise I think I’d go mad thinking about going on a date with Jesse after all this time.

  “Okay. Now what’s your plan?” she asks excitedly. I know she’s welcoming the prospect of my rekindling something with him.

  “What plan?”

  “There are currently three men vying for your attention.”

  “And once again, the only one I want doesn’t want me.” My chest tightens and I literally gag on my words.

  “Oh, Isa, no. I have to admit, I’m still so angry at him for what he did, for what went down between the two of you, but he loved you. You didn’t deserve to be treated the way he treated you after the accident. In a way, I’m glad that you didn’t stay. That situation wasn’t sustainable unless he made a serious effort to accept what happened. And he just wouldn’t or couldn’t, whatever the case might have been. Your marriage was getting toxic. It was toxic for you, for the kids, for the...for the baby. The stress was too much for your condition.”

  “It still hurts, Evie.”

  “It’s only been three months. We have to give it more time.” She picks up the empty wine glasses and carts them off to the kitchen. “I’m going to have to leave soon, but I’m not walking out of here until you tell me more about that hot young guy we met at the bar!”

  So I tell her.

  ***

  “Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.”

  —Rumi

  It’s the Saturday of the game and I’m dressed and ready to go. Eddie and Maddy will be going to their cousins’ house for a swim party during the day. They have asked to sleep over at Ali’s and I told them that we would play it by ear. It’s their weekend with Alex but I’m willing to trade it for next week if that will make their time with their cousins more enjoyable. Evie’s children are visiting from Canada and Eddie is very excited to be hanging out with the older kids. I do tell Eddie that I’ll be going to a game with Jesse. He’ll be here in fifteen minutes to pick me up, so I want to check in with Eddie to make sure he’s fine with everything. My son and I have always been open and honest with each other. I have always thought of him as an old soul who’s been around for many more years than he actually has. His maturity has always allowed him to trust in the recent decisions I’ve made for our family and he has assured me that he understands why things are the way that they are.

  “Ed, call me if you need me today, okay? You know I’ll be watching a baseball game with Mr. Cain. And you’re fine with that, right?”

  “Of course I’m cool with it, Mother (his new thing). You stay home alone way too much. How long has it been since you’ve watched one? Do you even know how a baseball game is played?”

  Some things are genetic, I see—his father loved to tease me about my lack of involvement in sports.

  “About fifteen years! And unless they’ve changed the rules since then, I think I can manage to figure things out. Don’t worry, I’ll text you if I have any questions.” I wink at him and reach over to pull him close to me. “I love you. Take care of Maddy baby and don’t forget to thank your aunts for having you over.”

  He kisses me on the cheek as I hear the doorbell ring. Emmy opens it and lets Jesse in.

  “Hi!” I sa
y brightly. “I’ll be right there.” I run into Maddy’s room to give her a kiss goodbye. I can hear Jesse and Eddie making small talk in the living room.

  “What’s new, Eddie? How’s basketball?”

  “Nothing much, Mr. Cain. We won the intramurals last week. Now we have to work on the championship.”

  “Congrats, Eddie. Nick’s dad is a friend of mine and he said that you played really well.”

  “I did all right, thank you.”

  “What are you and your sister up to today?”

  “Going over to my cousin’s party.”

  Jesse strides over to take my bag as soon as I come back into the room. I interrupt the conversation and squeeze Eddie tight, before giving him another kiss on the cheek. “Bye, Monk. I love you. Have fun. I’ll call you later.”

  “Love you too, Mother.”

  Jesse gives me an amused look as we walk out the door. “Mother?” he mimics as we walk over to his car.

  “It’s a phase. Don’t sweat it.”

  We get into the backseat of his limo and the driver just starts driving without awaiting any instructions from him.

  Two seconds later, he blurts out, “I moved out of our place and into an apartment close to my office.”

  I try to read his face. Somehow his eyes don’t seem too sad. “Oh no. Jesse. Why? Did you tell her?”

  He’s looking out the window a bit dazedly. “I need to sort some things out.”

  I’m just about to start arguing with him when I realize that the car has stopped and we’re right in the middle of an airfield. “Where are we going? This doesn’t look like a baseball field. Jess?”

  “The Dodgers are playing an exhibition game in Hong Kong. We’ll be there in two hours.”

  “I thought you said there was a home game today.”

  “Okay, Isa,” he says with a mocking grin, “which team are you referring to, because we don’t have a local team? And I just said there was a game, not necessarily a home game.”