His Wounded Light

by Christine Brae

  I’m slightly embarrassed by my lack of knowledge about our national team even though I know my ignorance about sports doesn’t surprise him. I look at the large jet in front of us as I sigh and shake my head. This has been Jesse’s life for the past few years—airplanes, boats, jets—he’s always traveling from one place to the other. He runs out to open my door and takes my hand to lead me out of the car. The whole scene—the limo, the airplane, a beautiful man whisking me away for a few hours just feels so Fifty Shadesish to me. I have to laugh out loud.

  “As long as you don’t turn go all Christian Grey and handcuff me to the cockpit, I’m good,” I comment with a smirk. “Pardon the pun.”

  This elicits a hearty laugh from him and my curiosity gets the better of me.

  “Wait. You read the book?” I ask, amused.

  “No way. Rose did. Like millions of men around the world, we thank E.L. James for enhancing our sex lives.”

  “Gosh. You sound just like Alex.” I catch myself as I utter his name.

  Jesse notices my reaction and so he pulls me close to him as he leads me up the folding stairs and into the airplane. “Do you still have your fear of flying?” he asks softly as we fasten our seatbelts for departure.

  “Yes, I do. But I think I can take two hours of this.” I look around at the five rows of leather seats, a flat screen television, and a lounge area with a bar. The built in couch by the bar is tastefully upholstered and designed. I’ve almost exclusively flown first class, but never in a private jet.

  He takes my hand in his and keeps it there. We sit in silence during takeoff and he knows it’s because I’m saying my prayers. Before every flight. Before Alex’s every polo match. Before his every race. Most of the time it worked.

  He seems to be able to read my mind because he tips my chin upwards with his fingers and says, “It will all be okay.”

  I wait until we’re airborne and at cruising altitude before broaching the subject with him again.

  “Jesse, tell me. What happened with Rose? Why did you move out?”

  The stewardess is starting to serve us drinks and... Jesse smiles as I grab his arm in extreme delight.

  “Ketchup chips! From Vancouver!”

  “Old Dutch brand! Just for you.” He leans into me and softly grazes my face with his lips. We’re in a flashback to a time that was over twelve years ago.

  I restart the conversation, but I make sure to do it without interfering too much into his private thoughts. “Jess? Talk to me, please.”

  “I told you, I need to sort things out. She’s always known about this cloud hanging over my head. She used to challenge me about it, about what I would do if you reappeared in my life one day. Would I go running back to you? Would I stay my course? She was always sure that I would choose you and that constantly affected her decisions about our future.”

  “But that’s not true,” I react obstinately.

  “That’s what I thought last year. I thought I was finally over this shit. But after what happened two weeks ago, I’m feeling something all over again. And it’s not fair to her.”

  “Jesse, I can’t fall into anything right now. I need you as a friend and nothing else.”

  “It’s not even you, Isa. It’s me. Why would she want to marry someone whose head is still so messed up? I need this time with you to get over you. Does that make sense?”

  “Geez, Jess. Rose must really hate me now. I honestly didn’t mean to come between you. That night was a fluke.” I hang my head, mortified that night happened in the first place and even more self-conscious that it continues to come up in our conversation. “I’m so sorry about it. I’m not going to make excuses that I didn’t know what I was doing. In trying to alleviate my pain, I hurt you instead. Please forgive me.”

  “That’s the thing. That night wasn’t a fluke for me, Isa. Rose and I were done even before then. Something happened to me after I found out that you were on your own again. That night at Strums, I was secretly hoping to run into you. And the only thing I regret about that night is that I didn’t get to kiss you, to get to feel your lips again.” He sighed. “There’s nothing to forgive.”

  The plane, the chips, the warm feeling of an old friendship—I can’t think of a better time to give in to what he wants. Slowly, I tilt my head and gently tug at his shirt collar, pulling him towards me until our lips reunite like we never left each other. He doesn’t push, he doesn’t prod. He stops when I pull away and turns his head towards the window.

  The Hong Kong Stadium is packed with both local and foreign spectators. Jesse has excellent seats through his company and we find ourselves right above the dugout. He’s in his element, telling me about the layout of the field and talking to me about the teams and generally making sure I’m having a good time. He is attentive and considerate, more so than I’ve ever seen him before. He asks me for permission to do everything—to get food, to go to the bathroom. He asks if he can buy me a baseball jersey. He asks if I can wear a cap. Nothing is assumed. Everything needs my permission. I think I kind of like the new Jesse.

  The game goes on for four hours, but I don’t notice the time at all. We’re talking about everything and anything, past and present. He buys a beanie baby for Maddy and an autographed baseball for Eddie. We make fun of the players and reminisce about my college career as a baseball groupie. The conversation is so animated that the time just goes by quickly. It’s six o’clock by the time we leave the stadium and I’m expecting the car to take us back to the airport. Instead, Jesse asks if he can take me to dinner. As we approach our destination, my heart drops and I find myself in a panic. The Four Seasons Hotel. Alex and I spent many a night at the Caprice Bar. Jesse senses my apprehension right away.

  “Sorry,” I apologize softly. “Can we go somewhere else?”

  He nods his head and suggests many other places. I veto every single one of them. What was I thinking? We were just here a few months ago. Even when he suggested taking the ferry over to Causeway Bay, I remembered how Alex and I made out like teenagers on the ferry late one night. Too many memories. It’s all too fresh for me.

  “Can we fly back home and just find a place over there?”

  “Of course we can. Let’s do that,” he says easily and instructs the driver to take us back to the plane.

  Just before takeoff, I call Eddie to let him know I’m running late. He’s having so much fun at Ali’s house that he orders me to enjoy myself and to have them picked up tomorrow instead of tonight. He tells me that his dad is over speaking to his aunts. I try to ignore that comment because I know how they feel about him; he will always be welcome in their home. I miss the simplicity of our life before this all happened.

  When we arrive back at my apartment well past ten, I apologize profusely to Jesse before I tell him that I’m exhausted and ready for bed. He insists on staying over to keep me company. We have takeout Chinese food on the couch and I fall asleep watching The Notebook. Jesse has never seen this movie before and I enjoy seeing him so engrossed in it before sleep overtakes me.

  “I’m not leaving until Noah gets her back,” he says as he strokes my head and kisses me goodnight.

  I wake up early in the morning to find myself underneath a blanket, fully-clothed minus my shoes and socks. There’s a note on the table in Jesse’s handwriting.

  Every great love starts with a great story. Sleep tight, Sleeping Beauty. Thank you for a wonderful day.

  ***

  “Goodbye, my almost lover

  Goodbye, my hopeless dream

  So long my love- less romance

  My back is turned on you

  Should have known you’d bring me heartache

  Almost lovers always do.”

  “Almost Lover” by A Fine Frenzy

  “Take those blinders off, Isa! That guy is freaking hot and you know he wants you so why don’t you just go on one harmless date with him?”

  This is the topic of the conversation between me and my sisters as we sit down for
coffee one afternoon while waiting for the kids to come home from school.

  Lucas says it’s our second date, but to me, it’s technically our first. He invites me over for dinner, something that I welcome since I don’t feel ready to face public scrutiny for being dumped by my husband. It feels weird to even be doing this, but my sisters insist that I need to get out of the house. I don’t know why I feel the obligation to check in with Jesse, but I do. I call him from the office before running out the door.

  “Hi, it’s me,” I greet him absently while I pull together some papers to review over the weekend.

  “Hey.”

  “Where are you?” I hear the sound of traffic in the background.

  “On my way to see Rose. We had another discussion today and I just wanted to stop by to make sure she’s fine.”

  “That’s a good sign, Jess.” I’m tidying up mechanically: papers in plastic sheets, slip them in my bag, walk down the hall towards the elevator.

  “What is?” he asks, sincerely clueless.

  “That. I know you broke it off with her, but the fact that you’re making sure she’s okay shows that she means a lot to you.”

  “I know what you’re doing,” he alleges lightheartedly.

  “Huh? What do you mean?”

  “This is your segue into saying that you can’t see me this weekend.”

  “No. Just tonight. Lucas asked me out to dinner.”

  “Jesus. The line to your heart has already started and I haven’t even been given a chance yet,” he teases.

  “You don’t need a chance. You have someone who loves you.” And I can’t love anyone else.

  “I want a chance.”

  I don’t say anything.

  “But I know you need time, Iss. So, fine. Go on your date. Have fun with Lucas. Well, not too much fun.”

  “Alex has the children this weekend. I’ll call you in the morning. Bye, Jess.”

  Within two hours, I’m standing outside Lucas’s place, nervous as hell. I swung by the apartment to freshen up and prepare some appetizers to take with me, and now I’m here. Mustering up my courage. He has a gorgeous penthouse apartment overlooking the expansive city and a private elevator takes me right outside his door. I snatch my phone from my purse and dial Evie’s number.

  “This is so not me, I don’t think I can do this,” I whisper into the phone ever so softly.

  “What? Isa? What? I can’t hear you.” She screeches into the phone, somewhat sarcastically.

  “Evie! I’m serious here. I want to turn around and leave. I’m so uneasy. Why am I here, standing in front of a man’s -”

  I am startled when he opens the door and I drop my phone on the ground. He bends down to pick it up and hands it to me with the most fetching look on his face. And immediately I see what Evie and Ali have been telling me. This man... His face is less angular than either Alex or Jesse’s, more refined; high cheekbones and very dark eyelashes. He’s wearing a pair of low slung bootcut jeans and no shoes or socks, looking all kinds of casual. His gray V-neck t-shirt is fitted in the arms and on the chest. I’m used to good-looking men, but there is something so dangerously dark about his eyes that intrigue me. All of a sudden, I’m feeling very apprehensive.

  “Hi. Welcome.” He leans over to give me a kiss on the cheek. “You look stunning.”

  I’m surprised by the words he just used. I have my hair in a ponytail and am wearing a short, romper-style outfit with flat sandals. I certainly don’t look like I’m going on a hot date. My dress is casual and relaxed.

  “Hi. Thank you for having me,” I say awkwardly, fully expecting the silence that befalls us as he stands at his door with one foot outside the line and the other foot in.

  He remains motionless for a few seconds, a huge grin splitting his face.

  “Appetizers,” I say as I shove the tray in front of him.

  “Oh, I’m sorry! Yes, thank you. Come in.” He carries the tray in and I follow him.

  The house is tastefully built. Nothing like Jesse’s, which is casual and bright. This one is almost too fixed. Too coordinated.

  “I know what you’re thinking. Cristina, my ex, decorated it.”

  “It’s beautiful. I love the crown molding and all the antiques. She has great taste.”

  He just looks at me and smiles. “Come on in, make yourself comfortable. Can I offer you some wine?”

  “Red, please.” I take a seat on one of the barstools by the marble island. “What are we having?”

  “Tapas. Easy and quick.” He laughs. “And then it’s movie night. What’s the most recent movie you’ve watched?” He opens the cabinet, grabs a few little plates, and sets them on the table. I jump off the stool and walk around to the dining room table to help him set the dishes.

  “I forced Alex to watch The Vow with me before the—” I stop myself from saying it.

  He looks at me and nods his head in full recognition. “What a sappy movie. We’re not watching that.” He walks over to pull the chair out for me. “Pick something else.”

  Dinner is relaxing and effortless. We talk about everything, mainly about our families and the common friends we have. I’m fascinated by how he was able to start up a company in his twenties so I ask him a lot of business-oriented questions as well. He seems to be fairly absorbed in hearing about the children, but he never mentions Alex nor my life with him before this all happened. In retrospect, no one really does. Either they feel weird about asking or I’m the only one who hasn’t moved on. After finishing off a bottle of wine and a fruit tart for dessert, Lucas gets up to start clearing the table. I follow him to the kitchen, but he stops me before I can go any further.

  “No, don’t do anything. Come sit on the couch with me so we can pick a movie. I’ll get to all that later.”

  Minutes later, we’re sitting next to each other on a large cross-sectional in front of a huge projection screen. There’s a pile of DVDs on the coffee table which Lucas has pulled from the vast collection displayed neatly on the built in wall to wall shelf.

  “Dinner was delicious, Lucas. Thank you so much for having me. I had a great time.”

  “The night is just beginning, Isa. Which movie did you want to rent for tonight?”

  “I’m game for anything. As long as it’s not a horror movie. I’m a scaredy cat.”

  “Hmm. Let’s see. How about an action movie? This one looks good. Savages?”

  “Oh, I’ve heard of that. It’s got that cute guy in it, Taylor something? Yes. Let’s watch that.”

  He looks at me and rolls his eyes.

  “What?” I ask him.

  He doesn’t say anything except leans over to kiss me. Once again, I let him. I don’t know why there’s something about him that’s luring me under his spell. I lean my head against his arm as he pushes me down and settles himself on top of me. I’m still thinking of Alex. It doesn’t feel like him at all. He doesn’t belong in my thoughts and I need to stop comparing everyone to him. The man I’m with is my here and now.

  “Lucas?”

  “Yes?”

  “What happened to Cristina? Was that the girl you were going to marry?”

  “We never got that far. I felt like I was still missing something. I don’t know why. I cheated on her a few times. She was perfect, but maybe not for me.”

  I turn to the side table next to me to look at her picture again. Long, straight brown hair. Attractive face. Great smile. “Maybe you just needed some time to grow up a little more. You guys were so young then. Are you keeping in touch with her?” I ask, seriously intrigued by the pretty woman in the photograph.

  “We’re friends now. I haven’t really called her since I met you.”

  “Me?” I am taken aback by his statement.

  “You. Do you know how hot I am for you right now? I am so turned on by just being this close to you.” He places his lips on my neck and starts to kiss it, beginning at my jawline and trailing his lips down towards my chest.

  “Lucas?”


  “Hmm?” He’s pressing himself on me now. I can feel his excitement and I’m anxious.

  “I’m scared. I don’t know if I’m ready for this. I have nothing to offer you.”

  “Relax, it’s all good. It’s clear that we want nothing from each other. We’re just two adults about to have some fun.” He continues where he left off, planting slow, sensual kisses along my neck. “Isa, you smell so sweet. Your skin feels so smooth. Just let yourself go. I need you. You need this. You. Are. So—”

  “Please slow down, I’m really nervous. Can we just talk for a little bit?” I push him rather brutally off me until he sits up and rubs his face with his hands.

  He stands up and walks away unexpectedly. I’m afraid I have totally scared him off, but he returns with a small black pouch, setting it beside him on the couch before moving close to me once again. All the mystery scrolling across that beautiful face is enticing. “I’m going to make you feel so good, Isa. Trust me. You’re going to let all this pain go and then you’re going to fall in love with me. Because I know what you need and I can give it to you.”

  “What do I need, Lucas?” I tilt my head slightly as he teases me by brushing his lips against mine.

  “You need someone to take care of you, to cherish you, to control you. Stop overthinking things, just let go. I’m going to give you something to make you feel even better,” he whispers as he breaks away to take the black pouch in his hand.

  I don’t say a word as he runs his fingers across my lips before gently pulling me in for a kiss. There’s something on his tongue that he passes on to mine. It has a slight bitter taste that turns into something minty and cold. My mouth goes numb for a few seconds and then I feel euphoric and invincible. My mind goes blank, my head is clear. It feels wonderful; I have no thoughts, I harbor no guilt. While he kisses me, one hand draws down under my dress to touch my most intimate part and I feel liberated. My body feels limp and pliable. I don’t fight it. I welcome it. I spread my legs wider, granting him access to what he wants. The fight is over. I finally give up.