Downward Spiral

by Bria Starr

  Is he going to let us go? Did he really just let me take Eli away from him?

  Eli slowly stands. Standing between the two, I place my hands on Eli’s stomach and continue to push him back, as far away as I could get him, protecting him with my body, until we reach the stool where I was originally sitting.

  The man suddenly looks away, then passes by us without a second glance.

  I watch him walking away and I start to feel my body shaking uncontrollably. Tears sting my eyes, but I fight them back. I don’t want to show any sign of weakness in case he comes back around.

  This isn’t over yet.

  I feel Eli’s arms start to wrap around me and pull me into him. The intimate gesture is too much to bear. I turn and bury my head into his chest, trying to hush my sobs. I can smell his cologne as my tears stain his shirt.

  I have never felt so grateful to be held before. I can feel his cheek rest on the top of my head as I cry. I pull away and see black mascara has rubbed on his baby blue shirt before looking up at him. His own are filled with tears as he pulls me back into him and holds me there tightly, making me think he will never let me go.

  I want to look and see where the man went. My mind still races with questions.

  Why did he let us go? Will someone else suffer because of what I have done? Why Eli?

  And what the fuck was I thinking?

  I wanted to save him. Needed to save him.

  The boy who had become my best friend. The boy who I hung out with every day after school and grew to love. The same boy who always seemed to be looking at me as though he could see through my soul.

  My first kiss...

  A boy I don’t even know anymore, yet I’d just risked my own life to save his.

  The front and back doors crash open simultaneously and police swarm the place. I’m still cradled in Eli’s arms as my head jolts back and I watch as police bring the man down, arrest him, and take him outside.

  It’s over.

  Eli is safe.

  I’m still alive.

  I bring my hands down from Eli’s sides and he releases his grip on me.

  “Thank you,” he whispers. I nod. “Are you okay?” I nod again. He dips down and kisses my cheek, then walks away.

  I’m stunned.

  I look at Laura and see she’s also been crying. I look over at Patrick who’s sitting alone, staring down at his lap.

  Nine minutes.

  That’s how long he was in the bar.

  Nine horrible minutes that I will never forget.

  After giving the police our statements, we’re allowed to leave. I look over and see Eli still being interviewed. I want to go to him, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Not after the way he left. Besides, it was always him who came to me. He’ll come around when he feels like it.

  I will stay strong.

  “Paige! Are you all right?” I turn and see Corbin, his face overcome with worry, and arms wide open. I run into them as he tries to console me. “I came as soon as I heard. Everyone from the office is going nuts, sending emails to each other, trying to snag this case. What happened?”

  “I just told the police, please don’t make me repeat it. I don’t want to go through it all over again.”

  “I’m just glad you’re okay. I’ll drive you to my house.”

  “I think I’d rather go home. I just want to sleep it off.” He looks disappointed. “I’m sorry, I promise to call you tomorrow.”

  He puts his arm around my shoulder and walks me towards my car. I glance back at Eli one more time, and from a distance, he’s watching me.

  “Who’s that?” Corbin asks.

  “No one,” I respond, looking away.

  Laura and I drive in silence. Once we’re home, Laura goes straight to bed and I hop in the shower, trying to scrub away the filth that seems to be oozing from the inside out. I can’t get the man’s eyes out of my head. I see them every time I blink or close my eyes.

  As I lie in bed, I keep getting flashbacks and replays of everything that had just happened. The fear on people’s faces, the eerily quiet room, no one helping their fellow man.

  I can’t sleep as I toss and turn. I would give anything for Eli to magically appear and hold me until I fall asleep.

  Eli. Not Corbin.

  It’s all over the news the next morning.

  After multiple phone calls from my family and

  Corbin, I decide I’ll get back to everyone who has already tried calling me. I make my cappuccino and sit next to Laura on the couch.

  I see my face on the TV, then Eli’s, and I want to vomit. Pain hits me when I see him. “Why are you watching this?” I ask.

  “I wanted to know what happened to the guy. Maybe find out why he did this and how long he’s going to be put away. It better be a long time.”

  I get up and walk back into the kitchen. I look at the newspaper on the table. Three faces on the front: the man’s mug shot, Eli, and me.

  “And why do we have a newspaper? We don’t even get the paper.”

  “Dawn across the hall thought we might want it.”

  I toss it aside like it’s covered with disease. “Not really. I’m not going to read it.”

  “I already did.”

  “I’ll never be able to leave our apartment again.”

  “You should be proud.”

  “Proud? I’m mortified!”

  “Want to know what I found out?”

  “About what?”

  “It was Eli who called the cops. Apparently as soon as he saw the gun, he called. Left his phone on the entire time. Even somehow slipped it to Patrick before he was … pulled aside.”

  “But I don’t think one word was spoken the entire time.”

  “They didn’t know what was going on but I guess a few other people ended up calling the cops, sending out texts, took pictures …”

  “They took pictures? Who would want to see all that?” I shake my head. “The same kind of people who slow down to gawk at accidents, I suppose. At least nothing happened. No one was killed, no one came out covered in blood. It was just a bad night.”

  “But you saved someone’s life.”

  “I made a mindless decision.”

  “But you’d do it again, wouldn’t you? If given the chance?”

  “I hope nothing like that ever happens again. But I can’t say I’d have done anything different. Maybe because it all worked out. It’s done, so let’s just hope this whole thing passes.”

  “You’re taking this considerably well.”

  “Because everything’s fine!”

  “Okay.”

  “Sorry. I haven’t had my caffeine yet. Thank goodness I don’t have to work for another two days. I just want to do nothing today.”

  “Wanna watch a movie or start a new season of something on Netflix?”

  “Sure. Something happy. Or something with sexy men.”

  “Sexy men it is.” Laura laughs. “Speaking of which, do you think we’ll be seeing Eli and Patrick soon?”

  “We haven’t seen them since high school. Why would we start seeing them now?”

  “Because they’re obviously in town. Or maybe they’ve moved back?”

  “I doubt it. We’ll probably never see them again.” I’m sure Eli’s long gone by now. It makes me sad at the thought. I could get used to the idea of him still being here. Or maybe bumping into him around the corner or at the store. But that’s okay, the farther away he is, the faster I’ll be able to get over this. The faster I can pretend none of this ever happened.

  Chapter 6

  Present Day

  “I was so scared,” I say to him.

  “So was I.”

  “You’re the one who saved us all. You’re the one who called the cops first. I thought maybe he targeted you because you were good-looking.”

  “You think I’m good-looking?”

  “That’s not what I’m saying.”

  “But that’s what you said.” He smirks.

&nbs
p; I blush. “What I’m trying to say, is that maybe he knew you were calling the cops and that’s why he picked you?”

  “No. He was around the other side of the bar. He had no idea.”

  “Then why?”

  “I ask myself the same question every day. Then I ask myself how it came to be that you were there that night, why you stepped in, and why he let us go.”

  “I wonder the same things. I suppose we’ll never know.”

  “It changed me. Made me a better person.”

  “I wish I could say the same. A part of me stopped living after that. I started to hide. I kept thinking to myself that it was over, I was fine, and that I needed to get over it. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t get his eyes out of my head or stop the nightmares.” I take a deep breath. “I still can’t.”

  “Me neither.”

  He reaches an arm out to me and I lean into it without a second thought. He drapes it around my shoulder and holds me close. We sit there in silence, watching the vibrant flames of the fire. “I act like I’m okay but it haunts me every day: the feeling of having a gun shoved into the back of my head. I’ve tried talking about it, tried medication, tried going to a shrink, but none of them worked so I just threw myself into my job, started working out, and did whatever I could to fill the void that it left me with.”

  Familiarity runs thick as I realize he just said out loud some of the very same things I feel. “I saw it in your eyes the day I ran into you at the mall. That’s why I agreed to talk to you. Right now I’m on medication and just started seeing a new therapist. I feel like it’s the “right” thing to do, to go get help so my friends and family aren’t worried about me. I don’t know what else to do.”

  “I think talking about it helps. Patrick’s never mentioned it and I don’t think he ever intends to. I’ve never had any desire to talk about it, but for some reason,

  I feel the urge to talk about it with you.”

  “And do you feel better? Discussing the incident and your feelings?”

  “I do, yeah. I’ve never been one to talk about my feelings … except when I’m with you. It’s always been that way.”

  I remember being young and the things he would tell me. I kept his secrets, and I was always there for him when he needed me, even if no one was to know about it.

  “I feel a little better too. I think it helps that you understand so much of what I’ve gone through and what I still struggle with.”

  “So we’re going to be friends for a while?” “We can be friends for a while.” I smile.

  He rubs my arm with his hand and I close my eyes briefly to enjoy the moment. There’s something about being held by Eli that makes me feel so safe. “I suppose I’d better get going. I have no idea what time it is.”

  “It’s just after midnight.”

  “I’ve been here for over six hours? Holy shit.” I stand up, taking my wine glass into the kitchen and rinsing it out in the sink. I look over to the dinner table and start to reach for my food-crusted plate when his rough hand grabs mine.

  “Don’t even think about it. I’ll clean up.”

  “I can help.”

  “No, it’s late and you still have to drive home,” he says softly.

  “You mean the one whole minute it takes to get home? I don’t mind.”

  “Next time.” He smiles.

  “Next time? Next time you’ll let me help you clear the table? And you want to do this again?”

  “Absolutely. If that’s what you want.”

  I look down and realize he’s still holding my hand. I gently pull it away and laugh nervously. “I’ll hold you to letting me help next time then.”

  He walks me to the door and opens it after turning on the outside light. I give him a final smile as I walk passed him outside into the dark of night.

  I turn my car around in his large driveway and make my way onto the main road that leads to my apartment.

  It’s quiet as I enter, so I head to my room, using my cell phone as a flashlight.

  As I remove my shirt, I can smell him on it. I bring it back to my nose once more, inhaling deeply. Damn he smells good. I drop it into the hamper and get my pajamas on before crawling into bed. I feel better than I have in a long time.

  No nightmares that night.

  “Good morning! I told you I wasn’t going to wait up

  …” Laura teases as she enters the kitchen. I’ve been up for a while already, sipping on some coffee as I read a book.

  “I was home just a little after midnight,” I say, looking up at her. She pours herself a cup and sits across from me.

  “I know. I heard you come in. So, how did it go?”

  “I’ll be letting Dr. Marvin know that in just a few short hours.”

  “Oh, stop. You know I’m curious. Did it help?”

  “I think so. I feel somewhat better I guess. I don’t know, happier maybe?”

  “You feel happier?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Was it from spending an evening with Eli? Or from talking about it?”

  I smile. “Both?”

  “Well, no shit. Maybe there’s hope for you after all.”

  I shake my head. “I’m going for a run. I’ll be back in a bit.”

  I slow my speed down as I jog passed the road that eventually leads to Eli’s driveway. Now that it’s daylight, I try to look through the trees to see if I can catch a glimpse of his house, but I see nothing. Only leaves. I look ahead and continue running my usual route, reaching for my iPod and turning it up to clear my head.

  Slightly frustrated with myself, I try to focus on Corbin. Try to block out my inside voice accusing me of mentally cheating on him for the last twenty-four hours.

  I mean, it’s not like I’ve been thinking about Eli naked or anything. Okay, now I am … Damn it.

  I run as fast as I can the rest of the way home, pushing myself. I walk around in front of my apartment for a bit before sitting on the bottom step to catch my breath and rest my legs.

  Eli Stone.

  I close my eyes to try and think of something else.

  Eli working on a rooftop with his shirt off. He sets down his hammer as sweat drips down his face, off his chin, and onto his chest as he takes a long drink of ice cold water.

  My cheeks burn bright and my eyes quickly open as I try to stop this fantasy before it gets any worse. “Paige?”

  I look up. “Patrick! What are you doing here?”

  “I’m on my way to the gas station. I live down that way a couple of miles,” he says as he points the opposite direction of Eli’s house. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I just got done running.” Hoping the blush in my cheeks really does look like it’s from running and not fantasizing.

  “Is this where you live?”

  “Yeah, Laura and I share an apartment here. Been here two years since we got out of college.” “Oh, cool.”

  Awkward silence.

  “Well, I better get going. I have to shower and get to an appointment.”

  “Yeah, I’ve gotta go get a few groceries. It was good seeing you though.”

  “Take care, Patrick.”

  I head inside and get ready to go see Dr. Marvin. Maybe he can help me make sense of why I can’t stop thinking about Eli.

  ***

  “It’s because you’re not happy with Corbin. Duh,” Laura says to me over a beer and a card game of Rummy.

  “Thank you, Captain Obvious. Like that hasn’t already crossed my mind. “

  “It’s not right.”

  “I know it’s not right! Why do you think I feel so guilty about it?” I put my head down and think. “It’s wrong to have thoughts about another man while you’re with someone. It’s so … So naughty!”

  “Well, you’re not really the naughty type either. It’s so unlike you.”

  “Oh, let me tell you, I have my naughty moments. They’re just saved for the bedroom.” I laugh but give her a look to let her know I’m more than serious.


  “Seriously, Paige. Don’t tell me that shit.”

  “Oh stop, Laura. You’re probably a freak in the sack, too.”

  “If I could remember that far back, I’d let you know.”

  “Has it been that long? Since What’s-His-Face?”

  “Yup, since him. Four years now I think?”

  “That’s much too long.”

  “I’m not about to go have a one night stand just to remind myself of what I’m missing.”

  “It might be worth considering!”

  “Let’s get back to you and Corbin. Or you and Eli. I can’t seem to remember which guy you like now.”

  “Hey now. I’m with Corbin. Just trying to figure my shit out.” I take a swig of my beer. “Which isn’t easy, by the way.”

  “I suppose it never is. Glad I don’t have guy issues at the moment.”

  “I wish I didn’t. It’s stressing me out trying to figure out what exactly is wrong, and how I can fix it. When did I become so fucked up?”

  “I honestly don’t know. You were fine after the incident and then you were all of a sudden a complete mess. I didn’t see it evolve, I just happened to notice when it was already too late.” She looks down. “I feel like there’s something more I could have done.”

  “Laura, there’s absolutely nothing you could have done. According to both of the therapists I’ve seen, it’s

  PTSD.”

  “I have no idea what that means.”

  “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.”

  “Ohhh. You’ve never told me anything about it.”

  “Because I don’t like talking about it. And no offense, but I never thought you could truly understand. So

  I kept trying to go on being as normal as I could pull off.”

  “Just because I may not fully understand, doesn’t mean I don’t care about what you’re going through.”

  “All I know is, it doesn’t always occur right away. I eventually started having really bad nightmares and it kept haunting me daily. I just couldn’t get over the fact that I thought I was going to die. And then, I don’t know. My life just took a downward spiral after that. I often wonder how

  I’m still alive.”

  “Because God gave you a second chance.”

  “And I’ve done nothing with it to better my life.” I can feel tears start to well in my eyes.