Downward Spiral

by Bria Starr

  “Nothing.” Girls are not supposed to say it first! We wait it out until they realize that they love us and let us know. We hold that shit in and wait, that’s how it goes.

  “I love you more.”

  I open one of my eyes and peek at him. “You do?”

  “I do.”

  “Can you say it one more time?”

  He laughs. “I’ll say it as many times as you want. I love you, Paige Tomlin. So much.” He brings his arms up and puts his hands into my hair, massaging my head. “I’ve known I loved you since the first day you sat in my car.”

  “The day after you got it?”

  “You were in the front seat, excited about being driven around, and I knew you were supposed to be there.

  It felt … real. Right.”

  “When did you stop loving me then?”

  “I never stopped loving you.”

  I’m confused. “You wouldn’t have left if you loved me. You wouldn’t have dated other girls and kissed them right out in the hallway where I could see, or acted like you didn’t know me when you came into the restaurant to eat.”

  I’m trying to fight back tears, but after years of anguish and wondering what I did wrong to deserve anything less than a good-bye when he left, they slowly start to spill out. I give him a small smile. “I’m sorry. I have you now, but I don’t think you quite realize what you’ve put me through. You jerk.”

  He looks disheartened. “I was hurting and didn’t know how to handle it. I handled it wrong, I’m sorry.” He puts his hands through my hair again, then trails his fingers down the sides of my face. “I am, so very, sorry.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you say goodbye, after all we had been through?”

  “I just wanted to get the hell out of here. I wanted to get away from my dad, that house, college, my life ... I wanted to go somewhere no one knew me. To just … disappear, you know?”

  “No! I don’t know. You chosenot to say good-bye. You could have easily stopped over and threw a rock at my window like you’d done a million times before.”

  “My dad pissed me off right before I left. I was going to leave you a letter.”

  “It doesn’t matter, because you didn’t leave me a letter. Or mail one, for that matter.” He puts his head down in remorse. Good. Shame on him. I was always there whenever he needed me, until he decided he didn’t need me anymore. “You almost ruined everything we could have had.”

  “But we’re here now.”

  “And you’re welcome. Because I made the choice to forgive you and let you back in my life. I wasn’t going to, not even when I first saw you at the bar. I was still so angry at you! Then after we were almost killed, I prayed for forgiveness. I vowed to God after He got us out of that mess that I would find it in my heart to forgive you. He helped me let it go, and I did. I’ve had nothing but kind words for you since then and I welcomed you back into my life with open arms.” Maybe I’ve made more progress than

  I thought. “But I want more answers.”

  “What do you want to know?”

  “Why not me? If you claim you loved me, why didn’t you ever want to date me?”

  He thinks before he speaks. “I did want to, but part of it was because I was very comfortable with the way things were. I didn’t want to just date you, you were the girl I was going to marry one day. I didn’t want to wreck it by ruining what we had with a premature relationship. I didn’t want to risk losing our friendship over that. The kiss happened, and I was so scared I’d fucked everything up, but you didn’t budge. You didn’t do anything. So I thought maybe you weren’t ready for that. I assumed, I didn’t know.”

  “You assumed wrong.”

  “I’ve made too many bad decisions. I was so lost after Mom died, and I didn’t want to try and find myself until the night I decided to leave. If I’d gone to you to say good-bye, I never could have gone through with it. I’d have stayed here to be with you and never would have left to find myself. I selfishly wished you were waiting for me. When you and Corbin broke up, I knew I had to make you mine before I missed out on my chance again.”

  With sadness in his eyes, he continues, “The best decision I ever made, was being your friend. Guys don’t just hang out with girls like that throughout their teenage years. Of course I liked you. I liked you from the first moment I saw you on the bus, engrossed in your book. I loved you then and I love you now. I love you, Paige. I have no further excuses. I was wrong. I’m glad you forgive me because I still haven’t forgiven myself.” He sits up, me still straddling him, and wraps his arms around me, bringing me close to his hard body. “I’m so sorry, babe. I love you, I’m here now, and I will never leave you again. No matter where I go, from now on, I’m taking you with me.”

  I sob into Eli’s shoulder as he holds me. Years of built-up tension is finally coming out and I feel a tremendous relief. “Okay.”

  “Okay? That’s it?”

  I nod, reassuring him I’m serious. “Okay. Let’s move past this. I don’t think I ever want to talk about this again.”

  “I understand. Just know that if you ever decide you do, I’m here for you and I will give you whatever answers I can.”

  ***

  Sitting down at Eli’s kitchen table and drinking tea in the middle of the afternoon is exactly what I needed. I’m in a state of melancholy, but I know this will pass. After all this time, I got the closure I had longed for. Eli is sitting across from me, and I’m pretty sure he’s waiting for me to snap and start bitching him out, or he’s wondering if I’m the type who’ll just add anti-freeze to his jello and watch him suffer slowly. But I got what I wanted, and then some.

  I’m satisfied.

  “Do you want to go for a walk today?” I ask him.

  “Whatever you want.”

  “Don’t do that.”

  “Do what?”

  “Don’t kiss my ass because you’re feeling guilty.”

  “Fine, I want to take you to bed so I can show you how sorry I really am.”

  I burst out laughing. “That’s better. But how about we go for a walk first? You can make us some dinner when we get back, we’ll cuddle and watch a movie or something on TV, then you can spend the rest of the night making it up to me. How does that sound?”

  “I think that sounds like a perfect Sunday.” “I don’t want to go to work tomorrow,” I pout.

  “Call in sick.”

  “I can’t just call in sick. I’d be lying.”

  “You’re telling me you don’t take sick days?”

  “Not unless I’m sick.”

  “Then you’re long overdue for one. Tell you what, I’ll call in sick too. That way, if we’re up all night making sweet, sweet love, we can sleep in and have nowhere to be.”

  “Are you allowed to call in sick?”

  “I’m the boss, I can do whatever I want. So, do we have a deal?”

  “Deal. Then what are we going to do tomorrow?

  Lay around in bed all day?”

  “If that’s what you want.”

  “Maybe we can go to Oaker Outlet too?”

  “I think that sounds like fun. So you’re in?”

  “I’m in. We’re playing hooky! Hey, we never did that when we were younger, did we?”

  “Oh, I did plenty of times.”

  “You did? Oh, you were so rebellious,” I tease.

  “Apparently you found that appealing,” he says in a cocky tone.

  “I don’t consider skipping school sexy. I think it’s stupid.”

  “That’s because you were one of the smart kids.

  I smile proudly. “A cool smart kid.”

  “A bookworm, that’s what you were. And now you’re my little bookworm.”

  “I was always yours. You just didn’t know it.”

  Chapter 20

  Eli

  I’m trying my damndest to make up for lost time with Paige. I know she’s tired, but I have excellent stamina, and I can’t help myself from taking h
er over, and over again, until we’re both spent and collapsing, restlessly into each other’s arms.

  She looks over at me and asks, “Hey, I know this is random, but how have you been handling things? Do you feel better about everything, or do you still think you’re slightly fucked up?” I look at her curiously. “I’m sorry, it’s just that, I haven’t asked you in a while, how you were doing.”

  “I think I will be slightly fucked up for the rest of my life,” I answer. “What brought this on?”

  “Well, I have to say, I feel way more normal than I have in a long time. When I’m with you, I feel really good. I don’t have nightmares, and rarely do I even think about it. I think you’ve helped me come to terms with things without even knowing it.”

  “You know what I think? I think you’re strong. I believe that you came through all on your own. You stood in front of a gun for me, for crying out loud.” I put my arm under her head and she turns, peering up at me. “If that doesn’t show strength, I don’t know what does. I should have felt like less of a man for being rescued by a woman, but I found it amazing. You, this gorgeous, skinny little thing, stood up for me, after all I had put you through. You, my girl, are remarkable, brave, and courageous. I owe you my life, and you shall have it.”

  She reaches over and gives me a huge hug. “That’s incredibly touching to hear,” she says as she tries to dry her eyes. “If only I could see myself through your eyes. To me, I was just a mindless girl who did what she felt she had to do, to protect the boy she loved. I couldn’t watch you die.

  He was going to have to kill me too.”

  “He didn’t get us though, did he?”

  She shakes her head. “Why do we always seem to have these dark conversations in your bed? This needs to be a place for happy memories only.”

  “This will always be a place where happy memories are made. Our children are going to be conceived in this bed.”

  Her mouth drops open, and the tears continue streaming. “Our children?”

  “I think we’ll end up having three or four. How many do you want? I know you wanted a big family,” I say as I recall the time she started thinking of baby names.

  “You’re too much. I can’t even think straight right now.”

  “We can talk about it later and, in the meantime, we can practice until the time is right.”

  “That sounds like a plan.” She smiles and brings her head closer for a lingering kiss. When she pulls away, she asks, “You don’t happen to have any more bacon in the house, do you?”

  So random. Nightmares to kids to bacon. That’s my Paige. I drop my head back into the pillow. “No, I’m sorry, I used what I had left, yesterday morning.”

  “Oh, that’s okay. You just made it so perfectly crispy, with none of the fatty, uncooked bits.”

  “I can run to the store and grab some quick.”

  “No, don’t do that. You’ve spoiled me plenty. I don’t want you to think I expect it every time I sleep over.”

  “I want to cook breakfast for you every time you sleep over.” I take in her messy hair and sleepy eyes. “It’ll only take me a few minutes.” I give her a chaste kiss on the lips and crawl out of bed. I open my dresser and remove a clean shirt and boxers, putting them on. Then throw on the pair of jeans that are laying on the floor near the foot of the bed, before grabbing my keys and wallet.

  I look back at her sexy ass, laying in my bed. “I’ll be right back.”

  Driving through town, I start to approach the small strip mall attached to the local grocery store. Since everyone seems to be at work today, except me and Paige of course, the parking lots are somewhat bare. As I drive by the strip mall, my eyes start scanning to see if there’s an empty spot near the door. I want to get home as fast as possible so I can spend the day with her.

  I see Corbin walking out of the building with another man. “Douche,” I say aloud to myself. My eyes curiously wander back over as I enter the parking lot. From the heated discussion he’s having, he must have pissed someone off, which doesn’t surprise me.

  The angry person turns his head and I gasp, choking on air which turns into a coughing fit. I recognize him. He’s the sick bastard who put me through the scariest, most humbling experience I’ve ever been through. I pull over and park a little ways away hoping I go unnoticed as I continue to watch them.

  From the looks of it, Corbin is trying to get him away from his office, arm across his back, leading him towards the side of the building. I can hear the man yelling, “I want my money! You made me a promise!” Corbin is trying to keep the guy calm, but I can’t make out what he’s saying since he’s speaking significantly lower.

  This is too much of a coincidence

  I shut my truck off and hop out. I take the longest strides my legs can manage without breaking into a run.

  My heart is pounding so hard I feel like it’s going to burst out of my chest. I start to hone in on them as they round the side of the building and walk out of sight.

  Neither one of them see me coming.

  “What the fuck?”

  Both men spin around. Surprise and recognition in the eyes of the man who tried to destroy my world.

  Corbin looks scared but quickly covers it up with a fake smile. “Can I help you? Lee, was it?”

  “You know damn well my name is Eli. Now what the fuck is going on here?”

  “This is none of your concern.”

  “Sure looks like it’s my concern. What are you doing with him?” I look to the man. “And why aren’t you rotting in a cell somewhere?” The man stays quiet.

  “He never harmed anyone—”

  “That’s laughable.”

  “So he’s out on parole,” Corbin adds with a sneer.

  “Good behavior and very cooperative, aren’t you, Clyde?”

  Clyde looks back at him. “I just want what you promised me.”

  “Patience, Clyde. You can go now.” Clyde gives him a dirty look then looks at me one more time, before he turns and leaves. I want nothing more than to tackle him to the ground and pummel him, but I have to watch him walk away, free.

  “You’re working with that piece of shit?” I ask him.

  “You know I can’t legally tell you anything.”

  Something doesn’t feel right about this whole situation.

  “Shouldn’t we have been notified he was out?”

  “That’s not my problem.”

  “Don’t you care about how Paige will feel when she finds out? What if she had been the one to run into him? You’re telling me you don’t care about that?”

  “I can only hope it happens, so she runs back into my arms, just as she did that night.”

  “You’re pathetic. She’ll never go back to you. Ever.”

  “Oh yes, she will. We belong together.”

  “You’re wrong. There’s only one person she belongs with and that’s me. Deep down, you know it too.”

  “I get the feeling you and her have some sort of history, but funny she’s never mentioned you,” he lies. “It must not have worked out, and history usually repeats itself.”

  “I’ll never let that happen.”

  He waves his manicured hand. “Run along now. I’m a busy man.”

  Never have I wanted to punch someone in the face so bad. He goes back to his building and I stand here, outraged. I storm back to my truck and slam the door shut.

  I let out a brief scream, full of frustration.

  I re-park my truck and head into the store to get Paige her bacon, still shaking. How am I going to tell her that not only is he walking around so close to home but that Corbin is his lawyer? This would crush her and reopen old wounds, but it’s not something I can keep from her either.

  After I pay, I walk back out to my truck, and standing near the open door, I throw the bacon onto the passenger seat. I rest my hands on the roof and take several deep breaths, trying to calm myself down before I go back to her, when I hear a whistle.

  I look up and ther
e he is, standing at the corner of the store and out of sight from Corbin’s office building. We hold eye-contact and I shut my door, marching over to him. He waves for me to follow him back behind the store, and I stop. I fear this will go one of two ways. Either he takes me behind the building and finishes what he had started, or he gives me some answers I know both Paige and I would like to have. This is my chance and I have to take it.

  I follow his lead and we walk back behind the store, and behind three large trash bins.

  I take in the man’s appearance, looking so different from the way he did before; his eyes are not red and bloodshot, his clothes ragged and dirty. Not at all business dress attire, more like homeless, his hair greasy and unkempt. He doesn’t look scary at all, just a simple man, yet I still want to throw up just by looking at him.

  “I want to talk to you,” Clyde says.

  “Great, because I have a million questions for you.”

  “I know how you must be feeling.”

  “I don’t think you have a fucking clue as to how I feel.”

  “Mr. Maxwell owes me money.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “Oh, but you will when you hear what I have to say. I went to him for help, about eight months ago. My brother is in prison and I wanted to get him out.” Hearing a sob story about his brother is a waste of my time. He takes a deep breath and continues. “My cousin told me that if I went to him, he could help me out. That he was a good lawyer but did “side” deals for people. You know, a favor for a favor.”

  I look into his eyes and feel nothing but pure hatred. “What does all this have to do with me?”

  “Everything.”

  “I’m listening.” And getting impatient.

  “Maxwell set you up. He didn’t mean for Paige to be involved.”

  Without thinking, my hand shoots out and I grab him by the throat, shoving him up against the side of the dumpster holding trash more valuable than he is worth. “Don’t you ever say her name again. Do you have any idea what you’ve put her through? What you’ve put me through?”

  “I had to do it! It was the only way,” he chokes out.

  “You had seriously better stop beating around the bush and give me some answers before someone finds you out here, unconscious.”