Downward Spiral

by Bria Starr

  “I think it’s the way it has to be.”

  “So you avoid me for three days, then try to end things?” He shakes his head. “I’m not upset with you,” he says. “I’m just confused. I know I have no room to talk because of what I did to you, but please know I’m not going to let you go. I’ll give you time or space or whatever it is you’re trying to find, but I’m not giving up on us. If you’re thinking about going there, it’s not going to happen.”

  “It’s for the best, Eli.”

  “No. Don’t do this!” He gets out of bed and paces his gorgeous body around my room. He opens my bedroom door and walks down the hallway, still completely naked. I get up and chase after him. “Are you crazy? What if Laura comes out?”

  “I’m just getting my clothes and I’ll go.” He grabs them from the dryer and throws them on, still damp, and leaving me chasing after him again as I watch him put his soaking wet shoes back on.

  I’m so torn up inside and feel like my life is about to fall apart. Again. If I let him go, will he still fight for me, or has he had enough and will forget about me? I fight both good and evil thoughts as I silently watch him crawl back out the window, the same way he came in, without uttering a single word.

  No good-bye.

  What have I done?

  I fall onto my bed and bawl my eyes out. Sobs are wracking through my body as I hate myself for pushing Eli away, and for putting myself in a position to go through the thought of losing him without a proper good-bye. Again.

  Only this time, it’s my fault.

  It rips at my soul.

  I can’t fall back asleep. Not that I want to. I need to think, to be at peace and make a decision on what to do for the rest of my life.

  I put on a bra and grab another clean pair of underwear and folded up pair of jeans from my dresser.

  I throw my hair up in a ponytail, grab my purse, and walk outside into the pouring rain, to my car.

  I listen to the early morning talk show as I drive through the rain and fog. I eventually find myself outside of town by my parents’ old house where I grew up, and continue on until I get to the river. It’s almost like a second nature to come here, even though it’s been so long. I leave my purse in the car and walk down the hill towards the bank.

  When I hit the dock, I’m shivering from the cold drops beating off of me. The air is warm, it’s just the rain that’s cold. Cold as my heart. I start to walk down the dock when I see him, sitting on the end by himself, with his head down.

  I immediately start to cry. I did that to him. Me and all my fucked-upness. When I reach him he lifts his head, but doesn’t turn around to face me.

  I reach down and touch his matted hair. He leans back into my leg and I kneel down beside him. Water is dripping down both our faces and straight onto the dock, our clothes drenched. He looks up at me and I see the pain in his eyes. “I can’t lose you,” he says. “You’re a part of me now.”

  “Eli,” I sob. “I’m so sorry!” He grabs me and my face plants into his chest. “I’m so sorry!” I muffle.

  He holds me as we both shiver uncontrollably from the cold. He takes his finger and lifts up my chin.

  “You’re sorry for being confused or you’re sorry you’re breaking up with me?” he shouts above the raindrops starting to pelt down, harder, around us.

  “I’m sorry for being confused!”

  “Then that’s all I need to know.” His hands come up to my cheeks and his wet lips crash into mine. He kisses me so hard our teeth knock together, but it doesn’t stop us. He rises and picks me up, carrying me all the way back to my car as I hold on to him.

  He opens the passenger side door, and sets me down, then runs around the other side, and gets in the driver’s seat. I reach in my purse and hand him the keys. He turns on the ignition and puts the heat on full blast. My chin is quivering and my teeth are chattering. I raise my hands to try and feel the warmth blowing out, even though right now it’s nothing but cold air coming through. I patiently wait, and my eyes move over to Eli. He’s solemnly looking back at me.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell him again. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

  “I forgive you. You’re entitled to second guess things after what you’ve been through.”

  “What we’ve been through,” I remind him. “How did things get so fucked up?”

  “It’s just the way life is. You can either wallow in it or move on and live. We need to start living, without holding back, which is exactly what you’re doing.”

  “I just feel like, if it hadn’t been for that night, we wouldn’t be here together, right now.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “I’m so scared it’s only because of a trauma bond.” I start to cry again. “I just want what we have to be real, and untainted.”

  “A trauma bond? That’s what you think this is?”

  “I do. After two people go through a traumatic event together, they think the other person is the only one in the world who feels the same way. Hopeless, scared, alone. I’m afraid we’ve shared that emotional intensity, and misinterpreted it for love. Eventually, one or both of us will slowly grow out of love with the other as we heal, no longer having that connection. It’s like an addiction that keeps us together, a craving, to be with you. Haven’t you ever seen the movie Speed? Where was Keanu Reeves in part two, huh? That’s right, he wasn’t there because it didn’t work out. It was never going to work out.”

  “Paige,” he calmly says. “You’ve been Googling way too much into this. Tell me something, did you love me before that night?”

  “Does a bear shit in the woods?”

  He laughs. “Really? You’re making jokes right now?”

  “I’m stressed.”

  “I can see that. Just answer the question.”

  Heat is finally coming through the vents. “Yes.”

  “Same here. I love you, I always have, and I always will.” His eyes are so intense it makes the butterflies go wild in my stomach. “I’ve always known it would happen for us, that we were meant to be together. Nothing you can say will ever make me change my mind. That night changed everything for me. A part of me wishes it never happened, where another part of me is glad it did.”

  “You can’t be serious.”

  “I’m dead serious. I had a huge reality check after that night. I threw myself into work, into finishing my house. I didn’t realize it then, but I did it all for you. I came back for you, and I was preparing my world to have you in it.” He thinks for a minute and then nods his head. “Yeah, I’d go through it all again because I was given a second chance. A second chance at life, and to be a better person.” His hand reaches forward and lovingly strokes my cheek. “I get to be with you.”

  “How are you so perfect? How do you always know the right things to say?” I get it now. “We’ve always had the connection. It was just never our time. This brought us one step closer. It’s obvious we had to go through everything so that we could find each other again. I believe that with all my heart. We’ve always been exactly where we’re supposed to be.”

  He takes my hand into his.

  “What really matters is that we survived. We’re Batman and death is Superman. We fought it, and we prevailed.”

  Epilogue

  4 years later

  “Hey, hon?” Eli calls out to me from across the room.

  “Yeah?”

  “Could you grab me the other edger?” My eyes search across the floor until I spot the bag it’s in, along with a ton of extra paint supplies.

  “Here you go, love.” I stretch my arm up high enough so he can bend down to reach it from the top of his ladder.

  I watch Eli in his white T-shirt and faded, ripped jeans, covered in baby blue paint—the same shade as his eyes—as he bends down to take the edger from my hand.

  “Thanks. Any second thoughts on the name for your baby?”

  “My baby? I thought it was ours.”

  “Nope. This one’s al
l yours.”

  “But you’re the one who helped me create it.”

  I look around at what used to be Belle’s Pepper. Eli was more than willing to give up what we had in our savings account for this, a good portion of it coming from his business, claiming what’s his was mine. I plan to return every cent back into our savings account, eventually.

  After we’d signed the deed, I asked Mr. And Mrs. Belle if they’d mind me keeping the name because I couldn’t imagine this place called anything else. They were honored.

  Despite the few attempts the Belles had made to modernize this place, it was falling apart from the ground up and needed to be gutted. Good thing I happen to know a sexy man who knows how to do all those things—a man who also happens to be my husband. Eli and his “crew”— his dad, Patrick, and two trustworthy employees—are the hardest working men I’ve ever seen.

  The door opens, and the guys come in carrying tools, belts, and buckets full of tools.

  “Pizza will be here soon,” I tell them.

  “Good, I’m starving,” Patrick says. “Are we all still going out next weekend?”

  “Yes, I’m so excited to meet Carol!”

  “She’s amazing. I’m going to marry her someday.”

  “I’m so happy for you, Patrick.” Of course, I had always hoped he and Laura would fall in love, but there didn’t seem to be much of a spark on either side after they ended up spending some time together. I guess it wasn’t meant to be, buy hey, I tried.

  “I knew I was going to marry Paige the first time I met her, too.” Eli comes to my side and wraps a blue splattered arm around my waist.

  “No, you didn’t,” I disagree. “Not until you were fourteen or something.”

  “No, I knew soon after I met you. Mom knew it too. It just took me a while to get there.” I lean into him and tilt my head onto his strong chest. Being Paige Stone is better than I ever imagined.

  I look up to see my entire world come running through the door, followed by Laura. “Mama! Mama!” I race to scoop my daughter up in my arms. “Audrey!” I give her a squeeze. “Mommy missed you!” I kiss her pudgy cheeks before setting her down. “Be careful, baby girl!” I warn as she steps lightly around the mess.

  At eighteen months old, she’s hardly a baby anymore. She has Eli’s blue eyes and blonde curls. She looks so much like her late Grandma Stone that we decided to name her after her. I think she would have been proud.

  I watch Eli pick her up and spin her around as she giggles. “Were you a good girl for Auntie Laura?”

  Laura laughs. “She was an angel. She’s always a good girl. Anytime you need me to watch her for a few hours, let me know, and I’ll happily do it.” I had moved in with Eli six months after I almost let him go, and only six months after that, we were married. Audrey came about a year later.

  Laura waves good-bye to the guys and leaves to go to work. She’d decided to move out of the apartment we shared a few months after I moved out, and into a new one with DeeJay, who was recently divorced.

  I pull Audrey up onto my lap as I look over at the guys, who are going over the blueprints for the new layout, deciding what will go where. Each of us, happy and content with our lives.

  My nightmares have ceased, for the most part. I no longer wake up screaming and crying as often as I used to and if by chance I do, I have Eli there to hold me and reassure me that everything is all right.

  Corbin was sentenced to ten years. Justice has been served … well, as much as it can be. It will never take away the internal scars both Eli and I hold. Clyde walks free, and I still watch for him when we’re out in public.

  But I know that we are safe.

  It all worked out.

  I went through a lot to get to where I am today, we all did. We all go through bad experiences, tragedies, and unwelcomed circumstances, but there are reasons for them. Reasons beyond our knowledge and understanding, but I do believe God has a purpose for everything. I’ll probably never know why Eli and I had to suffer the way we did to get to where we are now, and that’s okay. I’ve learned to live life to the fullest. To greet each day as a new beginning. I have everything I’ve ever wanted.

  We’re living our happily ever after, the way we always dreamed it would be.

  Acknowledgments

  God - You’ve done it again, giving me another chance at this. I hope to continue doing this for a long time. Thank you for the ideas, the creativity to write these stories, and for the dreams that inspire them.

  My husband - My love, my supporter, my formatter, my … anything computer related. You do so much for me. You’re pretty amazing.

  My kids - Thank you to my two precious bundles of joy. So sorry there were times I wasn’t with you every second of the day while I was writing this. You both did amazing for these past few months while mommy was distracted and listened to the voices in her head. Thank you for being excited for me. I love you, my babies.

  Mom - Without you, this book never would have gotten done. Thank you for the hours and hours you put into this. Your thoughts, your suggestions, and your support. Thank you for taking my kids so I had the time to sit and capture Paige and Eli at their finest.

  Jennifer Roberts Hall/ Indie After Hours- Thanks for everything you’ve done. You go above and beyond, and I’m proud to call you my friend. I will never fully be able to express my gratitude. I’m “delighted” with all the work you put into making this book better.

  Andrea - You are amazing. I am grateful for the day we connected over chocolate covered strawberries. You are so good to me and pimp me out daily. I’m so glad we became friends and continue to talk on a daily basis. I can’t wait for the day we get to finally meet.

  DeeJay - You’re awesome. I love the way you use your words and call me little pet names. I’m so thankful you came into my life, thank you for always supporting me.

  Stefanie - We connected over assholes. Who knew? You were one of the first people who understood my first story, related to it, and loved it. I’ll never forget you. Thank you for beta reading for me and helping me with this book.

  Sarah - Can you believe it’s already been a year and a half since we were standing next to one another, packing up swag for the talented Rebecca Donovan while discussing the greatest book boyfriend ever known to women, Travis Maddox? Thank you for continuing to be there for me.

  Danielle - I miss you and I want you to come back to America. Soon!

  Regina Wamba/ Mae I Design and Photography - You never cease to amaze me with your talent. You make the best covers and graphics I’ve ever seen. Thank you for this cover, it’s what I envisioned since before I even started writing it.

  Perry - Thank you for your expertise in the law and helping me build a case against “That man”. You were more than helpful.

  Marky - My handsome cover model. Thank you for going out of your way to give me such a great cover. You were perfect for the role and captured Eli perfectly. It’s uncanny.

  Laura - Thank you for letting me use your name and our friendship to inspire the role of Laura for Paige’s best friend. You were and still are, one of the best friends anyone could ever hope to have in their lifetime.

  Andrea - Thank you for listening to my ramblings during my craziest of times while writing this.

  Enticing Journey Book Promotions - I can’t thank you enough for all your hard work; my cover reveal, my release day blitz, and my blog tour. You two took a huge weight off of my shoulders and gave me so much less to worry about.

  DeAnn and Polly - You two are something else! I love you girls. We’re going to hang out again, very soon!

  Molly McAdams - You still don’t know I exist, and that’s okay. I know you exist and you’ve changed my world with your books. I love every single thing that you publish. You keep writing, the world needs your stories told!

  Bloggers - You are all incredible! The way you help and promote books and authors that aren’t as well-known, is amazing. Without you, no one would ever know who I am. I owe
it all to you!

  Readers - You fill my heart. Your messages, comments, even your “likes” make my life complete. You have no idea. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy lives to give my books a try. You mean everything to me.