by Emma Nichols
After squeezing her hand, I turned to DeSean. “Okay. I’ll pack up the guitar and we can go.”
We were silent on the way down to the car. I was lost in thought and I wasn’t sure I was ready to share everything running through my mind. Naturally, DeSean sensed this. The minute we settled into the vehicle, he murmured, “You changed.”
I shrugged, hoping he’d drop it.
“Why the change?” he asked.
When I met his gaze I could read the mischief in his eyes. “You know.”
“Nah. Tell me about it.” He folded his hands behind his head and reclined in the seat.
I sighed. He’d never let it go, so I might as well just open up for a change. Maybe if I kept practicing with him, opening up to Lauryn would be easier. “Everything in my life has changed. You know that.”
“Yeah, but you wasn’t gonna do anything different. I could tell you wanted to run when everything first went down.” His brow rose. “Admit it.”
My head hung and reached down to touch Ripley’s hand. “The minute we were together again, I knew I could never let her go. What you heard a few days ago…that was fear talking.” I groaned. “I’m still scared. I’m scared I’ll mess up with our son. I’m scared she’ll never wake up. I’m scared she will and she’ll decide she doesn’t want me.” I rubbed my face. “But at the end of the day, I’ll risk my heart to find a place in hers and a shot at being a family.”
“You smarter than you look,” DeSean teased.
I popped my collar. “I don’t know. I thought I looked pretty good.”
“You thought wrong.” He chuckled. “You look like you been pulled through the ringer backwards.”
My brow furrowed. “Is that a thing?”
“It is now, because you look a damn mess.”
I started to protest, but he raised a hand to silence me.
“Still, you look happy. You’re calm and focused on something other than being a rock god. This is the Tradd Beckett you were always meant to be.” DeSean grinned. “In my humble opinion.”
I snorted. “Nothing humble about you.” I thought of the life he’d created. “And there shouldn’t be. You’re living the dream.”
“I do got it good, don’t I?” He chuckled and kicked his legs out while we rode in the back of the sedan. “Relax while you can. We’ll be at the plane soon.”
Twenty minutes later, we’d pulled up to the private air strip and were being loaded onto the private jet. “Small planes scare me,” I grumbled. “And poor Ripley.”
“Why poor Ripley?” Tegyn asked as she settled in across from me.
“Well, every plane I’ve ever been on has been filled with crying babies. I guess flying is hard on them.” I shrugged, already feeling stupid.
With a smile, she murmured, “Did you hold his feeding like I suggested?”
I nodded. “Look at him. He’s already upset.” The little guy had begun to thrash some in his blanket.
“Here’s the thing. Babies are bothered because of the pressure changes,” she began.
“Makes sense.” I grimaced.
“You’re going to give Ripley a bottle. The flight is going to be slightly more than an hour. He’ll be more comfortable. His ears will pop, his tummy will be getting full. Once we arrive, you can do the sound check. Then we’ll grab dinner and hang out while we wait for your set.” Tegyn shrugged.
My eyes widened. “You’re really smart. You must travel a lot with the kids.”
“Well, I do now. Ironically, I’m a travel agent. Hence all the tips.” She winked.
Following her instructions, I pulled Ripley out of his car seat before takeoff and started feeding him. Tegyn was right. Both he and Zara were calm and quiet through the entire flight. I could feel my tension slipping away. Once again, I thought, I can do this, which was a nice change from a few days ago. Of course, it didn’t hurt that I had the most giving and wonderful friends to support us in this time.
As soon as we landed, we were whisked away to the venue. I barely paid attention. After a while, they all looked the same to me, since I always came in around the back. We unloaded the strollers, loaded in the babies, grabbed our diaper bags, and started rolling into the door, which was already open and waiting for us. Beside me, I heard DeSean snicker. When I looked at him, he shook his head and waved me away.
“Oh, no. I’m dying to hear what’s so funny.” I sighed. Already, I could feel the distance between me and Lauryn. I hated being away from her. And now I had to worry about Ripley while I was performing. Ideally, he’d fall asleep around eight and in plenty of time for me to perform. Still, I was beyond tense as I imagined all the ways everything could go wrong. My worst fear was that something would happen with Lauryn while I was so far away. I huffed and narrowed my eyes at DeSean. “Spill it.”
He groaned. “I just looked at you now. Before Lauryn, you always had some hot girl on your arm coming off the bus. You had your pick of women to bed. After Lauryn, you’re practically celibate and are toting around an infant.”
I frowned. “I was always holding out for Lauryn. In the back of my mind, I figured if I could behave and prove I didn’t want anyone else, she’d come back to me.” I inhaled deeply before sighing. “And it wasn’t hard at all, because I really only wanted her from the moment our lips touched, from the first time I brushed her hair back from her face. Hell, maybe from the first time she let me stare into her gorgeous eyes.”
Laying a hand on my shoulder, DeSean grinned. “You got it bad. And that’s the way it should be. Have faith, buddy.”
“Whatever,” I mumbled, my head full of doubt.
“Tradd, I saw the look in her eyes when she saw you performing. I watched her reaction when you began to sing her song.” He shook his head. “She loves you. She fights it mighty hard, but she could barely breathe while you sang to her.”
I paused outside of the door. He had a way of offering hope when I was miserable. This time was no different. “You mean it?” I asked quietly.
“I wouldn’t lie to you. Ever.” He chuckled. “Ask Tegyn. It’s a double-edged sword, but you’ll always know what I think and how I feel.”
Tegyn moved closer to him and he wrapped an arm around her. “He’s serious. And I actually love him for it. He makes me feel it’s safe to do so. I can’t explain it. I’ve never been happier.”
I swallowed hard. “Maybe someday Lauryn will say that about me.”
“I can’t tell you what Lauryn is going to say. We’ve never met. All I know is that if I was in a coma and woke up to find DeSean, who I always loved, had become this dreamy dad and looked out for me and our child, I’d never let him go.” She smiled at me. “Now let’s get in there and do the sound check. I’m starving.”
I chuckled. “Sound check. Got it.” Then I glanced down at Ripley. “You sure you don’t mind? Two infants can be a handful.”
Tegyn laughed. “As long as they don’t both freak out at the same time we’ll be good.”
“Yeah.” I nodded.
We wandered inside and I managed to get her set up in my dressing room. After DeSean set up the pack and plays, he murmured, “Let’s go. I need to do a security check while you work on the sound.”
“Twenty minutes,” I predicted. “Usually we’re done that quickly.”
He nodded. “We’ll meet back here.” To his wife, he whispered, “Love you, Tegyn. See you soon.” He lifted his cellphone. “Call me if you need me.”
We disappeared and closed the door behind us. One of his guys, Tommy, came around the corner. “How you doing, boss?”
“Good.” They did the bro-shake-hug and as he stepped back, DeSean added, “No one in or out of this door. Tegyn has both the babies. This is your spot.”
The man frowned, obviously expecting a more important role in the security. “I’m usually front of house.”
“Yeah, but you’re my best guy. And this is where I need you.” DeSean stared at him, firm in his decision.
With a nod,
Tommy murmured, “Okay. You got it.”
The sound check took about as long as I predicted and when I returned, we joined the band and ate some of the food that had been ordered for us. As had become the norm for me, Ripley was by my side.
“What’s with the baby?” the drummer asked.
I grinned. “Meet my son, Ripley.” I watched the group for a reaction. Shock and confusion were obvious. “Lauryn,” I murmured by way of explanation.
“Hey, how is Lauryn?” the bass player wondered.
My smile faded and I replied quietly, “In a coma.”
10
Tradd
“The concert went well,” I announced as I sat beside Lauryn. “Ripley fell asleep before I had to perform. He woke up again just in time for the flight home. I swear, with DeSean and Tegyn helping, I can make this work.” I took her hand in mine and held it against my lips. “Life would be perfect if you’d just wake up. Come back to me, Lauryn; to us. Our son misses you.” I waited and hoped I’d feel her squeeze my hand or twitch or something, but nothing happened. Trying not to feel disheartened, I took a deep calming breath as I set her hand back down on the mattress.
Turning to the stroller, I unhooked Ripley and carefully lifted my sleeping son and settled him in the crook of his mother’s arm while I held him too. This soothed me and I hoped it would stir something in Lauryn. “Baby,” I murmured, “please wake up. I have to leave again day after tomorrow. I won’t be here but for a couple of hours in the morning. It’s a longer flight each way, well over three hours. I’m kinda nervous about this.”
I swallowed hard and studied her. “I’m doing my best, but I’m so scared. I don’t want to fuck things up.” I groaned. “See. I already am. I just swore in front of our baby.”
“Mr. Beckett.”
The voice behind me had me turning and looking over my shoulder. “Oh, Doctor. I’m glad to see you. How’s she doing?”
“Have you been watching the machines?” he asked as he motioned to the monitor to the back left of the bed.
“No,” I admitted sadly. “I’ve been distracted.” So, I turned and craned my neck to study them. My brow furrowed. “What’s going on with her breathing?” I glanced at her chest, feeling my own tighten, bracing for bad news.
“She’s breathing over the ventilator. Not a lot, but enough for us to change the settings.” He nodded at me while he waited for me to process his explanation.
“Is she waking up? Is her brain okay?” I slowly removed one arm from under Ripley, ensuring he was still secure by pressing my torso against the mattress. I rubbed my forehead. I could feel a headache starting.
“According to recent scans, the swelling is going down. It’s too soon to get excited, but I think we’ll know more soon.” Dr. Hima moved closer to me.
I nodded sadly. “I’ll be gone again soon. God, I hate this,” I grumbled. “Day after tomorrow.”
“We’ll take care of her. Don’t worry.” He crossed his arms over his chest and stared down at me.
“I don’t want her to wake up without us here. I don’t want her scared and alone. I need to be able to support her through this. I need her to know our son is safe.” My nostrils flared as my throat constricted.
“We’re going to carefully start reducing the meds that keep her comfortable and sedated. We don’t want to overmedicate her. And we’ll keep testing her reflexes to see how she responds.” He watched me. “Do you have any questions?”
I opened my mouth. I had a million questions. Quickly, my jaw snapped shut and I shook my head. “Nothing medical,” I murmured.
He rocked on his heels and nodded. “Well, if you need anything, the nurse will be around. She can reach me if you remember anything.”
“Thank you.” I turned my attention back to Lauryn. She’d heard the whole thing. I had to believe she was in there, listening, trapped in her body, just waiting to be able to respond. I needed her to wake up. Ripley started to stretch and I knew he would wake soon for his next feeding.
“I’ll leave you two alone,” Dr. Hima announced on his way out the door.
Reaching for my son, I took some comfort in knowing he missed her like I did. I laid him back in the stroller and after securing him, moved to pull one of his bottles from the room’s minifridge. While I was trying to warm it, DeSean peeked in.
“How’s everything today?” he asked quietly.
I shrugged. “The same mostly. She hasn’t woken up. And I’m scared she’ll do it while I’m gone.”
“Buddy, you’re here more than you’re gone. Don’t worry.” He grinned.
“You’re right,” I admitted. “I’m probably stressing over nothing.”
“You are.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “Now enjoy the time you have together, and stop freaking out about the future and everything else out of your control.”
The corners of my mouth turned up. At first I was forcing the smile, but when DeSean groaned and started to walk away, I actually chuckled.
“You know everything gonna be okay. It’s gonna work out.” He nodded and then exited the room.
* * *
The rest of our time together passed quickly, and I was once again saddened when I had to leave her. “I’ll miss you, Lauryn,” I murmured. “See you tomorrow morning.” I pressed my lips to her temple and added, “I love you more than you can ever imagine. Bye, baby.”
The nurse stopped me. “I know you’re worried about her waking up when you’re gone. I’ll call. I have your number in her chart. Don’t worry. You’ll know if anything changes.”
“Thank you,” I replied. Still, I felt terrible about leaving.
Twenty minutes later, we were boarding the plane. Even without Tegyn reminding me, I’d held Ripley’s feed to coincide with take-off. He was justifiably fussy while we boarded and settled in. Though this was only our second trip without Lauryn, I was feeling more confident. In some ways, I felt like I was adjusting to fatherhood okay. I’d be happier if I had my girl to share it with.
We landed about three and a half hours later. I frowned. “I’ll have to feed Ripley again before the sound check.” I did some calculating. “I’m just wondering what’s going to happen tonight. This is messing up his schedule.”
“We’ll work it out. Don’t worry!” Tegyn patted my shoulder. “We’ll muddle through this together.”
“Can I tell you something?” I murmured while we rode to the concert venue.
Both Tegyn and DeSean nodded. “What’s up, buddy?” he asked.
“I have a whole new respect for single parents and working parents.” I blew out a breath. “Right now, I’m both. And this is hard as fuck.”
DeSean chuckled.
Tegyn licked her lips before speaking. “You should tell Lauryn. She’ll need to know you understand. She needs to hear that you get it.”
“Yeah.” I reached out and smoothed out a wrinkle on Ripley’s forehead. He’d taken on a perplexed look the minute we boarded the plane. “I have help. I’m still struggling. What must she have gone through?” I shook my head. “And all alone. I’m such an ass. I hurt every time I think about how much I missed.”
“But you don’t have to miss any more. You’re here now.” Tegyn smiled at me.
“What if she wakes up and she doesn’t want me to stay? She was hinting at that before the accident.” I knew they wouldn’t have the answer, but I wanted reassurance even if it wasn’t based on fact. Sometimes, it was really hard to keep up morale with everything going on.
“How could she not want you? You’re proving your devotion and love every day, in every way.” Tegyn shook her head. “Turn that frown upside down, Tradd. There’s no fear in single parenting. Kids smell fear. Get your game face on. You have a concert to prepare for.”
I grinned and waited for DeSean to meet my eyes. When he finally stopped staring at his wife, I murmured, “You are so lucky.”
“You think this is luck?” He snickered. “Luck was meeting her. Everything after that w
as work. I worked to win her over. I work every day to keep her. She’s worth the effort. Our family is worth every bit of energy I put into it and more.” He tapped his temple. “Remember that. You want a beautiful garden, you don’t stare at some damn soil. You dig, you plant, you water, you weed, you fertilize. That’s how relationships are too. Got it?”
“I got it,” I assured him. Mostly, I hoped I got it. I would do my damnedest to make it so.
We arrived at the venue and Julian came rushing over. “Sound check,” he ordered. “We’re running late.”
“Newsflash, Julian. We’re going to be running later. My son needs to be fed.” I pointed to my little man who was grunting and writhing now, but clearly working himself up for a full on wail.
Julian’s hands fisted at his sides and a vein popped out in his forehead. “This is your life we’re talking about. Can’t she feed him?” He jerked a thumb over his shoulder at Tegyn. DeSean’s brow arched, his natural protective instincts kicking in.
Without thinking, I glared at Julian. “Make no mistake about it. This is my life.” I pointed to Ripley. “This?” I gestured to encompass the concert venue. “This is my career.”
He opened his mouth and I knew he was going to object.
I shook my head. “Think long and hard, Julian. I need a good fifteen minutes to feed my son, and then I’ll gladly do the soundcheck.” I crossed my arms over my chest before continuing. “My contract is up after this tour. I’m supposed to sign a new one before I start the next album in a couple of weeks. I have not one, not two, but three songs in the Billboard Top 100. Do you think no other label will want me?”
His jaw snapped shut. His nostrils flared and I suspected he was thinking about how he’d explain this to the board of directors and the CEO. “Fine. Make it fast.”