by Emma Nichols
I could’ve argued longer. I could’ve pointed out that there was no rushing a feeding. I could’ve made him good and uncomfortable, but my son’s comfort was more important and he was ready to lose his mind. “You got it.” I nodded and wheeled past him into my dressing room.
Soon Tegyn, Zara, and DeSean followed me in. Several minutes later, Tommy joined us. Once I had Ripley settled in my arms for his bottle, I addressed the group. “We need a plan.”
DeSean rubbed his hands together. “I love planning. What’s this for?”
“What if Rip’s schedule is all off and I have to get onstage?” I scanned their faces, but no one spoke. “Julian is being a dick. I can’t take any chances here. We need to have something in place so I don’t panic, Rip is settled, and the concert goes off without a hitch. I just want to get back to Lauryn without any hiccups. Okay?”
They all nodded. Finally Tommy mumbled, “What about a live feed?”
With a smile, DeSean nodded. “Yes! Let’s blow this up.”
Tommy elbowed him. “Never say blow up around security people, man. You know better.”
DeSean snorted. “Shut up, stupid. You know what I meant. So, I’ll be in the wings. I’ll video you and have it up on my Facebook. Tegyn can open it on her phone so little man hears you.”
I tugged on my chin. “But will anyone want to hear Ripley’s lullaby?”
Tegyn smirked. “Will anyone want to hear a rock god singing his baby to sleep from the stage?” She rolled her eyes. “There won’t be a dry seat in the house.” Then she saw the look DeSean shot her and laughed. “Except mine. I only have eyes for the security god. You understand, right, Tradd?” She winked.
With a laugh, I replied. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
11
Lauryn
I’d completely lost track of time. I had no idea where I was. Sometimes there were familiar voices talking to me. I recognized Tradd’s. When he was around, I focused as hard as I could, but I was so tired. I wanted to talk to him, show him I was paying attention, but it was like being underwater. My limbs were heavy. So I mostly gave up. Only lately, people didn’t sound so far away.
“Oh, Lauryn, I wish you could see this,” a woman murmured. “Right now, Tradd is on stage in Sacramento. He didn’t want to go. He wanted to stay here with you, but the bosses made him finish out the tour. You probably heard all that the other day.” She blew out a breath. “Anyway, now he’s performing a lullaby for your son.”
My mind raced. My son?
“Apparently little Ripley couldn’t sleep and Tradd had to go onstage. So, they worked out a live feed on Facebook. People are watching and sharing. There are almost a million people watching right now.” She sighed blissfully. “Wow. I’m going to make it louder and lay it on the pillow so you can hear him. I know he has played it here before. A group of us nurses were hanging around outside the room listening.”
The music was right beside me, playing loudly in my head. I listened, and so many emotions bubbled up inside me. Most of all, sorrow and frustration for all I was missing and everything I couldn’t remember. I could feel tears leaking from my eyes.
“Lauryn, don’t cry. You have nothing to worry about. Rest. Heal. Wake up when you’re ready. Tradd Beckett has eyes for no one but you. Clearly, you have his whole heart.” She dabbed at my eyes.
I do have Tradd’s heart. He told me at the aquarium. Tradd loves me. He was speaking now.
“Ripley, get some sleep now. Daddy loves you. And as soon as I’m done working, I’ll give you kisses and cuddles.” He was silent a moment, while still strumming a guitar. “I just got the thumbs up from my friend. My little man has fallen asleep.” He swallowed hard. “Now let’s hope his mama wakes up really soon.”
The tune changed. This song was familiar. I knew it. He played it for me all the time.
“Lauryn, love of my life, keeper of my heart, mother of our son, this song is for you.” The crowd cheered wildly in the background as he began to sing.
I had to see him. God, I missed him. I missed us. If I could just open my eyes. I struggled against the invisible weight on me. Gradually, it was if I were breaking the surface. My lids fluttered open in time for me to see a strange woman standing over me.
With a gasp, I realized there were tubes down my throat, gagging me. I pulled at them, but my fingers weren’t working right. I felt stiff and clumsy.
“You’re awake!” The woman smiled down at me. “Hold up. We’ll take care of this tape. Gimme a minute.”
I didn’t feel like I had a minute. I wanted to ask so many questions. Where was I? How did I get here? My head was pounding and I scrunched my eyes closed against the lights over the bed.
“I’ll turn those down. Be patient.” She reached behind me and must’ve hit a button on the wall because there was a buzz and another voice was suddenly over my head.
“How can I help you?”
“She’s awake. Send for the doctor. Get me a respiratory therapist. We need to extubate her.” Even as she spoke, she was working on the tape around my mouth.
There was so much of it, I feared my face would be raw and I’d have no lips left, but it seemed a small price to pay to get rid of the tubes. I glanced at my arms. One had a blood pressure cuff. The other had multiple IVs.
My nose felt weird. I tried to feel it, but missed.
“It’s a feeding tube. We had to give you some liquid nutrition.” The nurse managed to pull back the last piece of tape. My mouth was free, but this only made the tubing all the more obvious as it moved slightly in my throat.
I gagged, ready to panic and thrash about.
“Ready? I’m going to pull it out.” She nodded at me and took a deep breath before I felt a big tug and several seconds later, it was out.
I coughed repeatedly. My throat felt raw. The nurse reached behind me and soon I had the prongs up my nostrils and oxygen blowing up my nose. Despite that, without the machine breathing for me and tubes down my throat, I felt more relaxed.
“Let me get you a drink,” the nurse murmured. “We haven’t been filling your pitcher because you’ve been unconscious,” she explained as she prepared to exit the room.
“Wait,” I squawked.
“Yes?” Her brows peaked as she waited for me.
“How long?” Forming words was so much work. My mouth was dry and I felt out of practice and worn out.
“Almost a week.” The nurse watched for my reaction. “Let me get your water. The doctor will be right in and then he’ll answer all your questions.” She ducked out of the room and I stared after her while trying to process that I’d lost a week of my life. “Oh, and I’ll let Tradd know you’re awake.” She smiled warmly before leaving again.
* * *
Tradd
The minute I stepped offstage, I knew something had changed. DeSean and Tegyn were standing in the hall with both kids in strollers already. “What’s up?” I asked, bracing for the worst. “Is Ripley okay?” I immediately squatted in front of him and began to feel his forehead and study his face.
“No, he’s fine.” Tegyn sighed.
“It’s Lauryn, DeSean began quietly.
I could feel the color drain from my face as I clumsily stood. “What’s…is she…” I had no words, but my worst fear was obvious.
“She’s awake,” DeSean explained. “We thought you’d want to leave right away so you could get to the hospital. We’re already packed. We have the car waiting out back. The car seats are strapped in and the trunk is loaded.”
Flooded with relief, I finally started breathing again. “Let’s go.” I turned and took maybe two steps before Julian appeared out of nowhere and blocked my path. Behind me, DeSean groaned. “Move,” I growled.
“We need to talk,” Julian announced, his eyes narrowed.
“Not now.” I moved to brush past him, but he pivoted and blocked me again. “Was I unclear?”
“Just because you’re the rock star, it doesn’t mean you can
do whatever you want and say whatever you think. This is still a business,” Julian growled.
“Cool. Duly noted. Out of my way.” This time, I didn’t wait for him to react; I simply pushed past, ignoring the dramatic way he fell against the cinderblock wall.
“I could end your career right now!” Julian stomped his feet.
I whipped around so quickly that DeSean and Tegyn had to steer around me with the strollers. “Good luck with that.” I walked between the strollers and came to stop inches from him. “I don’t give a fuck about my career. For once in my life, I’m going to do the right thing. I’m not chasing money. I’m fighting for love. Lauryn and Ripley are everything to me.” I looked him up and down while wearing a look of utter contempt and disgust. “This may be where the label and I part ways. And I’m okay with that because there are tons of labels who’d love to work with me, but there’s only one woman who I want to share my life with. I’m not going to waste one minute I could spend with her fighting with you.” I turned on my heels and followed DeSean, Tegyn, and the kids down the hall. When we reached the door, Julian apparently found his voice.
“So, you’re doing the last concert, right?”
There was a quiver in his voice that bolstered me. Maybe he’d finally decided to pay attention. I didn’t even speak to him or glance his way. Instead, I merely waved over my shoulder and kept walking.
In the car, I was shaking mad as I bent over and covered my face. All I could do was focus on breathing because I was ready to snap. Lauryn woke up and I wasn’t there. She must be so scared. And I’d let her down again. In my mind, I continued to tally all the moments she’d had to survive without me. “Never again,” I muttered under my breath.
DeSean laid his hand on my shoulder. “Buddy, I’m proud of you.”
I shook my head. “You shouldn’t be.”
“Oh, we gonna play that game now?” He huffed.
“No games. I’ve let her down. As usual.” I sank back in the seat. “I’m a shitty father who couldn’t be there to tuck in his son because I had to be on stage. I’m a shitty…well, I’m shitty to Lauryn.”
“Why would you say that?” Tegyn frowned.
“If I wasn’t, she’d have stayed. She wouldn’t have left me. She wouldn’t have kept Ripley from me.” I stared at them, my face aflame, my humiliation obvious. “I don’t deserve them.”
“Oh, you giving up again, too? Dammit, Tradd. When you gonna learn?” DeSean narrowed his eyes at me.
I held up my hands. “Whoa. I’m not giving them up. If I have to choose between them and the career, it’s them every damn time. I’ll find something else to do. I don’t care.”
Finally, DeSean smiled. “Okay. You just saved yourself a lecture, buddy.”
I snickered. “That’s…unexpected.” Feeling calmer, I sighed. “And I probably still deserve a lecture for something. Don’t rule it out. Give it a minute and get back to me.” I stared down at my sleeping son. “Little man, we’re going to see Mommy. She’s going to be so happy to see you.” I rubbed my forehead. “I wish I could anticipate how she was going to react to me.”
“Relax. Just stay calm. You’ve done a great job with Rip. You’re doing what you can to be there for her.” DeSean smirked. “She’s one smart lady. Give her a chance, and she’ll give you one too.”
“I hope you’re right,” I murmured.
“Buddy, ask around. I’m usually right.” He chuckled.
I sat silently the rest of the ride to the airport. I trudged onto the plane. And after making sure Ripley had a bottle to stay comfortable during the takeoff, I settled in and tried to get some rest.
“I’m surprised you gonna sleep right now,” DeSean commented as I laid my seat back.
“Well, option number two is to stay awake and feel every millisecond of the flight. Pass. I want to wake up minutes before we land and rush to the hospital refreshed.” I closed my eyes and folded my hands over my chest.
“Got it. Now you take the car and driver. Me and Tegyn will go to the house. You want us to take Rip? We can tuck him into his crib.”
“Nah. I’m sure Lauryn is aching to see him. I can’t rob her of that moment.” I smiled as I pictured their happy reunion.
“You right, I’m sure.”
While wearing a grin, I managed to fall asleep. I was still happy when I woke up more than three hours later. I stretched once we stepped off the plane. I carried Rip in his car seat on one arm, and shook DeSean’s hand with the other. “I can’t thank you enough for being here for me.” I turned to Tegyn. “And for helping with my son.”
“That’s what friends do,” DeSean assured me. “You’re more than welcome.”
“See you in the morning. I’ll be home late, I’m sure.” I glanced at my cellphone. The time was already after three in the morning. “Or make that early.” It would be pushing four by the time I saw Lauryn. She could be sleeping. I didn’t care. I had to see her.
“Do you. We’ll be around. One more concert. Day after tomorrow. You still in, right?” DeSean eyed me curiously.
My shoulders sank. “I suppose. I’m trying to be a man of my word.”
“You are. Never doubt it.”
With a feeble nod, I hopped into the car and secured Ripley’s car seat. The twenty minute drive was killing me. I swear, I felt like I’d never get there. Only eventually, we pulled up in front of the hospital and I transferred my little man to his stroller and grabbed the diaper bag. “I’ll call you when I’m on my way down,” I murmured as the man passed me his card. Then I rushed into the hospital. We rode the elevator up to the floor and as soon as the doors opened, I pushed the stroller through them and strode toward Lauryn’s room.
Her nurse greeted me outside the door. “She’s eager to see you,” she assured me.
“Thank God.” I breathed a sigh of relief. “And thank you for reaching out.”
“You’re welcome. Now…she’s tired,” she cautioned me. “And we’re still trying to see how the coma and brain injury has impacted her. Be patient with her.”
I nodded as I stared at Lauryn’s open door. “Can I go in now?” My heart raced as I longed to see her.
“Of course.” She motioned for me to go in the room.
Taking a deep breath, I made my way to the bedside. The lights in the room were low. I could see the ventilator was unplugged and pulled off to the far side of the room. As I drew closer, Lauryn shifted in bed and her head turned toward me. Her face absolutely lit up and I genuinely smiled.
“Hey, babe. How are you feeling?” I asked quietly.
“Better now that you’re here,” she murmured shyly.
I pushed the stroller right up to her side of the bed, leaned over and kissed her temple as I had for days. She reached up and grabbed for my hand. Our fingers were still interlaced as I sank down in the chair beside her.
Lauryn glanced at the stroller. “Cute.”
“I think so.” I chuckled.
She pointed at Ripley. “But seriously, who’s your friend?”
12
Lauryn
I’d said something wrong. I could see it on his face. “What?”
“You don’t recognize him?” Tradd’s brow furrowed. He squeezed my hand a little tighter.
I winced and yanked my hand back. “No?” My head hurt. I closed my eyes and laid back deeper into the pillows as I tucked my fists under my chin. “I’m going to sleep now,” I announced.
Sure, I was tired, but mostly I was embarrassed and scared. Whatever I’d done wrong, I wasn’t ready to face it yet. Still, I wasn’t ready to lose Tradd either. It felt like I hadn’t seen him in forever. “You’ll stay?” I asked quietly.
He hesitated a moment before nodding. “I’ll stay for a little while. Then I need to get Ripley to bed. And we’ll…I’ll come back after I get a few hours of sleep and a shower. “I flew back here from a concert.”
My brow furrowed. “I think someone said that.” Thinking seemed harder than I remembered. Reme
mbering seemed impossible. There seemed to be holes, missing pieces, gaps in what I should know. This scared me. And from the look on Tradd’s face, it scared him too. “I just…”
“Rest,” he murmured as he ran his hand over my head, smoothing back my hair. He stood slightly so he could press his lips to my temple.
This felt familiar in the best ways. I relished his touch, his kiss. I could feel the tingles spreading through me and grinned. “I love you,” I whispered. The words flowed from me as naturally as I breathed.
“I love you too,” Tradd announced with a hint of surprise.
My eyes opened and I studied him. “Something is different. Something is off. I can tell. I get it. And I know...it’s me.” I took a deep breath. “What’s wrong with me?”
He frowned and shook his head. “Nothing is wrong with you. You’re perfect. You’re absolutely everything I never knew I always wanted, everything I never thought I deserved. I will, without a doubt, love you forever, Lauryn.” Tradd’s eyelids lowered a moment and he took a deep breath. When he opened them again, he added, “Rest. I’ll be here, and if I’m not, I’ll be back. I just need to talk to your nurse. Check on you.” He sat there staring at me, one hand petting me while I relaxed into his touch, like always.
I closed my eyes, but I forced myself to stay awake as long as I could. Despite the pounding in my head, I needed to process what he’d say when he thought I wasn’t paying attention.
His chair creaked and I guessed he’d stood up. A second later, I heard the slight creak of the stroller being pushed away from the bed. I listened as hard as I could, only to hear the door close. Peeking out of one eye, I realized he’d shut it. I groaned. No listening in for me. I might as well truly rest. This time when I closed my eyes, I focused on Tradd and all I could remember. Why was I here? What had happened? Nothing came to me. My mind wandered, trying to find something until I had conjured up one perfect memory of our day in Myrtle Beach and our trip to Ripley’s Aquarium. I frowned and swallowed hard. The baby’s name was Ripley. That was some kind of coincidence. There was something I was supposed to remember. I could feel it, but I couldn’t figure it out. I rolled around and thrashed about in the coverings as the stress and pressure made me completely unhinged.