by Emma Nichols
The monitor sounded and I froze at first, but it made my head throb to the point I thought it might explode. I cried out and the door to the room flew open. A nurse briskly made her way to me. In the doorway, I could see Tradd standing there, holding the baby, looking sad and scared. I choked back some tears. I had done this to him. And I couldn’t even figure out what was so bad.
* * *
Tradd
“How can she have forgotten her son?” I swallowed hard as I held Ripley to my chest.
“Have a seat,” Dr. Hima urged as he gestured to the chairs across from the desk in his office.
A nurse had herded me there while they were trying to make Lauryn comfortable.
“I’m not sure I can sit right now. I’m more of a pacer. And Ripley needs that right now.” The little guy in my arms squawked as if to emphasize my point. “See?”
“Okay. Well, as you know, I kept reminding you we wouldn’t know the extent of the damage from the accident until she woke. Now we know.” He started to open his mouth one more time, but I interrupted him.
“We know what? What the hell is going on?” I raked a hand through my hair and paced some before facing him again.
“This appears to be retrograde amnesia. We’ll know more later in the day after we test her. It’s complex and time-consuming, but obviously necessary.” Dr. Hima folded his hands on the desk and watched my reaction.
“Is it permanent?” My heart raced as I awaited his response.
“It’s hard to say. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn’t. Again, we’ll know more…”
“After the testing.” I groaned. “Got it.”
This was all too much. Finally she was conscious, but now her memory was all messed up. She needed me more than ever. And once again, I felt I was letting her down.
“I’m supposed to leave tomorrow to do one last concert for the tour. This one’s in LA, so a two-hour flight time. Not quite as bad as the one I just returned from.” I stared down at Ripley. “What do I do? How do I leave her like this?” I shook my head.
“It’s best in these cases to try to keep things as normal as possible. Depending on what we find out, we can start planning for her release. It won’t be tomorrow, but soon, maybe another week and a half. We’ll see. We have to watch for swelling and figure out what she needs before discharge. The rest of her injuries were minor.” Dr. Hima smiled. “We’re very comfortable releasing her into your care. You’ve been here every possible moment.”
I nodded sadly. He had to know, even if it might mean they wouldn’t let her come home with me. “You should know…we weren’t together when the accident happened.”
“Oh.” Dr. Hima sat up straighter in his seat.
“No. I want to be together. I love her more than music, more than fame, more than money. She’s everything.” I blew out a breath. “She disappeared when she found out she was pregnant. I never knew about this little guy until I ran into her at a friend’s wedding in Reno.”
“I see.” He leaned back in his chair.
“I upset her by wanting to meet Ripley and wanting to spend time with her. And she drove off upset…which caused the accident.” I shook my head. “Now she’s awake and remembers me, who she wanted nothing to do with, but has forgotten her son, the reason she left me.”
“Give her time. Like I said, her memories could return.” He laced his fingers in front of him and dropped them on his lap.
“I know. And then what?” I swallowed hard.
He didn’t answer. He didn’t have one. No one knew what would happen next.
Minutes later, I called the driver to meet us and exited the hospital with Ripley. I rode in absolute silence back to the house, and when I arrived, I was surprised to see the lights on inside.
“You’re up,” I noted as I greeted Tegyn and DeSean when I entered the house. They were several feet away, seated at the counter in the kitchen. At my entrance, they rose from the stools.
He nodded seriously. “How is she?”
I let out a mirthless laugh. “She was thrilled to see me.”
DeSean and Tegyn exchanged relieved looks. “That’s great, buddy. I’m so glad.”
After sinking down on the couch, I continued. “Yeah. She held my hand. Told me she loved me. Everything was just like it used to be. Right down to Ripley.”
His brow furrowed. “What’s that mean?”
“She doesn’t remember him. Had no idea he was her son.” I stared up at the ceiling.
Tegyn gasped. “I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine…”
And I knew what she had to be thinking. What must it be like for a mother to forget her child?
She and DeSean wandered in from the kitchen and sat on the love seat opposite me. “How can we help?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I have no idea what to do. I’ll go back to the hospital sometime before lunch after I’ve had some sleep. I’ll stay with her all day. Then tomorrow we leave for LA. And I don’t feel good about it.”
“Do you want me to stay here?” Tegyn asked. “I could be with her at the hospital with Ripley and Zara while you perform and DeSean does his security thing. He could help live stream it so she could watch you perform.” She shrugged. “It’s just an idea.”
“What if she never remembers him? What if she remembers everything and realizes she doesn’t want me?” I could barely breathe as one scenario after another assaulted me, each worse than the last.
“Give it time. Be patient. And for the love of God, don’t give up,” DeSean urged.
I rubbed my face. “I don’t know how to do this. I thought the worst possibility was that she’d die. I never considered that she’d wake up and have lost, what…the last year of her life? Obviously, she doesn’t even remember leaving.”
DeSean tugged on his chin a moment. I didn’t really expect him to have an answer, although when it came to advice, he did seem to have more than most. Hell, it was usually even spot-on. Still, I was unprepared for his next thoughts.
“This is your big chance,” he announced.
“How? What happens when she gets out? I bring her here and she realizes there’s nothing of mine in this place and figures out she’d left me?” I shook my head. “I’m not looking forward to it.”
“Don’t bring her here.” He held up his hands as I opened my mouth to object. “Hear me out before you start yapping and pooh-poohing every suggestion.”
I sighed. “Fine.”
“This is your chance to give her the life she always wanted to have with you, the life you’ve finally realized you want to have with her, now that being a rock god doesn’t seem so shiny anymore.” DeSean chuckled.
“How? I seem out of creative ideas. I’m exhausted and heartbroken.” I frowned.
“Don’t forget over-dramatic. That’ll take a lot out of a person.” He snickered.
Tegyn chimed in. “Do you have a special place? Somewhere you two dreamed about or planned together? A trip?”
My eyes widened. “The island house. Why didn’t I think of that?”
“Of course he has an island house,” DeSean grumbled. “And you didn’t think of it because you too busy being sad when you should be busy solving your damn problems.” He huffed. “Now tell us about the place.”
“It’s in Turks and Caicos. We went there once on a trip and fell in love with the place. At the time, it was a rental, but she loved it so much, I bought it.” I grinned.
“A VRBO. Got it. Why don’t we rent an island house?” he asked Tegyn.
“Because you travel for work all the time, and when you’re off you want to be a homebody. If it weren’t for the wedding and the concerts, you’d probably never take me anywhere at all.” Her brow arched.
I chuckled.
“Yeah. You got it rough. How about I take you to bed and show you how rough you got it?” DeSean laughed as he wrapped his arms around Tegyn and yanked her into his lap. “Maybe I need to remind you how good things are.”
“I never
said they weren’t good. I said they were geographically stunted. But hey, show away.” She giggled.
“Okay, I got things to do. You plot your little island adventure. Let me know if you need us on that trip. Apparently, I need to take my wife more places so she wants to stick around.” He stood up with her in his arms. “Sleep well. I’m not letting her sleep for a while.”
“TMI.” I faked a full body shudder.
“You know you helly jelly. Shut up and go to bed.” He started toward the guest bedroom while whispering in her ear. Tegyn giggled in response.
DeSean was right. I wanted that. I wanted Lauryn. I wanted our family. And maybe a little time in the islands would help us get there.
13
Lauryn
“You ready to go?” Tradd asked with a grin.
I nodded. “Yeah. You know me. I’ll go anywhere with you.” I smiled, but it faded as I glanced down at Ripley asleep in the stroller. “And our son.” I could feel Tradd watching me. “Sorry,” I murmured. “I’m still…adjusting. You can’t imagine what it’s like to suddenly find out you have a nearly three-month-old son.”
He stared at me silently a moment, then licked his lips. “Right.” He rubbed the back of his neck.
“Did you tell me where we’re going?” My brow furrowed. Lately, if I didn’t know something, I constantly second-guessed whether or not I’d forgotten it or never knew.
“No. It’s a surprise. But I talked to the label. They said my vacation starts once you get out of the hospital. It has been a long two and a half weeks, but starting now, I have a three week vacation and we’re going to spend all of it there before I need to be back in the studio to record the next album. We might even have longer if negotiations with the label go south.”Tradd laughed.
With a frown, I murmured, “Aren’t you worried about being unemployed?”
His brows rose. “No. My priorities have changed.”
I laid a hand on my chest and faked a gasp. “What? The rock god no longer cares about fame?” I reached out and pressed the back of my hand to his forehead. “Not feverish.”
He pulled my hand down and held it against his lips. “No. Not feverish. Not crazy. Nothing but madly in love with you and our son.”
My insides quivered. “Yeah?” I looked at my ring finger. “You can’t be that in love. Or are you just still worrying over your image?” I released a hollow laugh.
“I don’t give a fuck about my image,” Tradd announced.
The door to my room opened and an orderly with a wheelchair arrived. “Is this really necessary?” I asked. “I feel fine.”
“This is the fast track to the door. I don’t know why everyone complains about it.” The guy laughed. “Your chariot awaits. Let me help you climb in.”
With Tradd on one side and the orderly on the other, I managed to get seated in the wheelchair. To my surprise, I was actually a little winded. The bruises were fading, but the memories I’d lost weren’t returning. We’d spent the bulk of the last few days talking about our past. There was no surprise that I remembered things differently than he did. And we always seemed to get interrupted at the most inopportune times. I couldn’t wait to be alone with him to really discuss pieces of our past that were eating at me.
“I’ll push the stroller,” Tradd announced. “We’ll be right behind you.”
We left the room and rode down the elevator. Periodically, people would see Tradd and I’d watch women swoon, especially when they realized he was pushing the baby. They’d be followed by whispers of ‘Ripley.’ My emotions were a jumbled mess and though I’d pasted a smile on my face, I wanted peace, quiet, and to be alone with him.
A car met us at the door, the driver waiting outside the vehicle to help us load everything. I didn’t have much. I’d donated all the flowers, since it was utterly impractical to bring them, and Tradd promised to keep me in flowers wherever we were. That left one measly bag of toiletries he’d brought me and a few outfits. Yet when I stood and peeked at the trunk, it seemed filled to overflowing. I frowned. “What’s all that?”
“Vacation. Remember?” Then he flinched like I’d hit him. “Sorry. Well, we’re leaving immediately. I probably didn’t tell you that.”
My head tilted. “Yeah. I don’t believe you did.”
Soon we were settled in the backseat with the baby in between us. I studied him a moment silently before Tradd reached over the car seat and held my hand.
“He’s still a stranger to you, huh? Even though you know he’s yours, you barely touch him,” he murmured quietly.
I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “He doesn’t feel like mine. I mean, I took a shower today. I saw the stretchmarks. I can see he has some of my features. I just don’t know how to be with him. Does that make sense?”
“I understand. He’s a stranger to you. He was a stranger to me too.” Tradd quickly looked away. “You carried him in your body all those months. It was different for me. Still, I took care of him and he grew on me. I love him because he’s ours. I bet you could do that too.”
I bit my lower lip and nodded. I wanted to believe that. And maybe he was right. Maybe I just needed to start doing what I had always done to start feeling like myself again. “What’s his schedule like?” I asked, genuinely interested and wholly determined to be a good mother.
“Ripley has started to sleep through the night just over the last few days. He pretty much eats every three to four hours all day long. He’s finally starting to stay awake longer too.” Tradd laughed. “He’s turning into a regular little person. He smiles. He loves listening to me sing and play the guitar.”
“I’m sure. I always did too.” I grinned. “I still do, I guess. I don’t know.” A thought occurred to me. “Are we driving to our destination? You know, the secret one you won’t tell me about?”
Tradd grinned. “No. We’re going to fly. And I thought we should break it up to two days.” He gripped my hand a little more tightly. “We’re flying to Miami now. It’s almost an eight hour flight, which will make it about eleven tonight when we arrive in Miami. A car is meeting us to bring us to the hotel. Then we’ll take two shorter flights tomorrow.
My brow furrowed. “Are you being intentionally vague?”
“I really wanted it to be a surprise, but since it’s bothering you so much, we’re going to Turks and Caicos.” He grinned as I sucked in my breath.
“We had our best vacation ever there. That house…” I gazed off into the distance as I recalled the trip. We’d spent a week in the most amazing house, right on the water. There were multiple guest houses on the property. The pools wound around the buildings and through the property, with the largest one in front of the main house. From the second story, we’d stare out at the beautiful blue-green water and listen to the waves. It was so quiet, so relaxing, and so private; we were able to be ourselves, completely alone, aside from the staff he’d hired so we didn’t have to lift a finger the entire time. “I loved that house,” I murmured dreamily.
Tradd chuckled. “Good. Because I bought it.”
* * *
Tradd
The look on her face was everything.
Her eyes widened and I could tell she was struggling to hold back her characteristic squeal, even as her eyes filled with tears. Pure joy. Complete excitement. Her emotions were contagious. “It’s yours?”
I shrugged like it was no big deal. “Actually, I rather hoped it would be ours.”
This time, she wiggled in her seat. “I don’t know what that means, but I’m really looking forward to spending three whole weeks there.” She sighed happily. “Clothing is probably still optional, but…I saw myself naked today, and while I’m sure you’ve seen me in the buff since the baby, now that I know what I look like, I can’t put you through that.”
My jaw dropped open. I had no idea how to respond. Actually, I hadn’t seen her naked since the baby. I didn’t see her naked during the pregnancy either, which bothered me more than I’d ever admit. Fin
ally, I blurted out, “If it bothers you that much, I’ll pay for plastic surgery.” I’d ruined her body. It was the very least I could do. Her happiness and comfort mattered to me more than anything.
Lauryn blinked a few times. “You mean that?”
“I do.” I nodded a few times for emphasis. “Pick your surgeon. I’ll make it happen. But you should know in advance that I think you’re beautiful. Your body grew our baby. When I look at you, I don’t think about superficial stuff. It’s all about how I feel.” I reached out and cupped her cheek. “And because of how much I love you, you’re absolutely stunning, no matter what.”
“That sounds like it could be some ballad,” she whispered. “And this is how you wooed me.” She breathed deeply in and out several times. “You know how to make me want you, Tradd. You know how to keep me hanging on.” Again she looked away.
“Lauryn, what’s bothering you?” I asked.
She wanted to talk. Historically speaking, if something bothered her, she’d make little comments until I called her out and begged her to share. No wonder she was especially bothered when I simply clammed up altogether.
I watched to see if she was softening, fully prepared to encourage the discussion. “Are you trying to wait until we hit Miami to talk? I don’t think you want that. We’ll be exhausted. This is as much privacy as we’re going to get until we reach the house later tomorrow.” I reached out and smoothed back her hair. “Please, won’t you tell me what’s bothering you?” My mind raced. What were her old complaints? Right. “I won’t argue. I won’t talk over you. And we won’t be done discussing until you’re ready to be done.” I beamed at her, convinced I’d covered all my bases.