Wizards on a Rampage: A Tale of Two Realms (Mayr Stories Book 1)

by Lee Walsh

  “Fine,” said Billy.

  I opened the door and took one last look at Billy, the king. The wizard who was as gullible as they came. The wizard who wanted to prove he wasn't stupid. The wizard in the 'kings are awesome' pyjamas. The wizard who was going to be eaten alive by evil gnomes with bad teeth.

  I walked through the open door and within a few seconds, Billy shouted. “Wait for me, I'm ready now.”

  I turned a smiled at the little idiot who had got dressed in the wrong clothes. Billy had found a dress to wear for the occasion – a ball gown of all things.

  The long and narrow corridor which led to the rooms of Brownbeard, Woody, and Alf had a lot of doors and we didn't have much time. The idea of leaving them there petrified me but I had to look after Billy. He was the reason I'd come here and it made no sense to risk our own lives for the lives of the people who were there for the ride.

  “Don't you know any secret passages or anything?” I asked Billy.

  “No, they've never shown me nothing,” he replied.

  Billy's use of double negatives had got him into trouble in the past but this time, I knew he was being genuine with me. We walked the large hall and made our way to the exit. We were in luck; there wasn't a single gnome in sight and we arrived at the gates of the city in no time.

  “Where are we going to go, Percy?” asked Billy.

  “Back to Ecklewood, Billy. Back to Ecklewood,” I replied. I wasn't the best liar in the world at the best of times and, at the worst of times, I was the worst.

  “You're lying again,” Billy noticed. “Why do you keep lying to your king?”

  “You're not the king, Billy,” I told him. “You're a pawn. They've put you as their king so people trust them and blame you when things go wrong.”

  “I like prawns,” Billy replied.

  +

  Outside the city of Ark-Gaiu, Billy noticed something a bit different about the air, “what's that smell?”

  “Billy, what you can smell is industrialisation. The paperwork you've been doing, did you read any of it?” I asked.

  “Not really, they said it was just routine things to make beer cheaper and stuff. I didn't really need to read it,” he said.

  “The paperwork you signed, Billy, was the paperwork to authorise all of this,” I told him as we walked towards the centaurs who had stayed put outside the city for the whole night. The smell grew stronger. Then I realised, it wasn't industrialisation Billy could smell. It was the centaurs.

  “Couldn't you guys do that somewhere else?” I held my nose in disgust.

  “No,” the leader of the centaurs stood proud of the mess he'd created. “We are nature's creatures and we'll do what we want, where we want.”

  I took a look around at the sight of the centaurs and let me tell you this – centaurs make a mess. Do not allow them to spend a single night within a mile of anywhere you expect to be the next day – it reeked.

  Shortly after our arrival, Brownbeard, Alf the elf, and Woody showed up with smiles on their faces.

  “The gnomes planned on eating us,” Brownbeard laughed.

  “I don't think that's a laughing matter,” I replied. “How did you get out?”

  “Well, quite easily really,” replied Woody. “They asked if we had any last wishes, I asked to go first. As I'm a tree, my branches and things grow back so it's no big deal for me. What the gnomes didn't count on was the taste of wood being a little on the gristly side. They did not like that.”

  “Alf and I got out while the gnomes were busy with Woody,” said Brownbeard.

  Not a moment after he had said that, alarms began sounding around the city and could be heard all over Mayr. Once again, I became a refugee as we fled the scene in the direction of Ecklewood.

  +

  We weren't the fastest runners in the realm but the gnomes only had short legs so it didn't take much to escape the alarms. We arrived at a stone circle, which had absolutely no purpose, in the centre of Mayr.

  “Right, my little wizardy friends,” said Brownbeard. “I guess I'll be off then.”

  “Off?” I asked.

  “Yeah. We've saved your friend, beer in Ecklewood is cheaper. Our quest is complete, Percy,” he replied.

  “No, it's not,” interrupted Woody. “How is it complete? The forests are still being taken away for materials, the weapons are still being made, the industrial buildings are still there.”

  I looked around Mayr. The sky was grey and it was a summer's afternoon when the sky should have been sensibly blue. I looked across the fields at the aftermath of the crash of Hanging Gardens in the mountains. Taking in everything, I realised for myself that our quest was over. Had we been successful? We asked for a change and cheaper beer. We certainly got a change and cheaper beer – along with all the consequences of the changes we had asked for. The Wholly Gnoman Empire would no doubt grow and dominate the whole of Mayr for eternity and many people, both good and bad, would lose their heads over it.

  I walked up to Woody and placed my arm around him, “Woody, I think we've lost. What will you do now?”

  “I don't know,” said the sad piece of wood. “I'll just see my days out here, I guess.”

  The centaurs said their goodbyes to all of us. They didn't know where to go or what to do any longer. Their lives hung in the balance along with everything else that Mayr once had. The birds, the bees, the flowers, and the trees. The wizards, the witches, the dwarves, and the bi... women of leisure.

  Brownbeard spoke to the centaur leader, “I have an idea my horsey friends. Come back to Raggar with me.”

  “What would we do there?” asked the leader.

  “Well, dwarves are the mightiest warriors of Mayr, as everyone knows. It would be nice to have an ally in our battles. We've never had that before,” replied Brownbeard.

  “My friend,” said the surprised centaur. “Are you legally permitted to recruit our army?”

  “I'm Queen Brownbeard of Raggar, of course I have the authority,” said Brownbeard.

  I looked at Billy and Billy looked back at me. Of all the things that could have been said at that moment in time, even in the magical realm of Mayr, that was the least expected.

  Queen Brownbeard and the centaurs said their goodbyes and started their march towards the old city of Raggar. Into the setting sun they went, over the hill and out of sight. Billy and I had both shed a tear at the sight of the end of Brownbeard's membership of Wizards on a Rampage.

  “What about you, Alf?” I asked, turning to the elf. “What are you going to do now?”

  Alf the elf shrugged and then sneezed, “I guess Ecklewood is the only option.”

  “But there are wizards there, you'll die from your sneeze,” I replied, a little sarcastically.

  “Not likely,” returned Alf, “I've spent enough time with you as of late that I'm slowly getting used to it. Plus I have an old friend who's living there now.”

  “Anyone I know?” I asked.

  “Senior Pietta,” Alf replied. “We go way back.”

  “Well OK, have fun, toodle-loo, bye, have a nice life,” I said to Alf waving him off.

  Alf's face saddened before he turned and started walking away with his hands in his pockets.

  “There was no need to be like that, Percy,” Billy said.

  “Billy, don't start,” I said. “Do you remember who the Pietta's are?”

  “Yeah,” said Billy. “But Alf helped us.”

  I sighed and shouted Alf back who turned with a big grin on his face and his hands removed from his pockets, “yes?”

  “Alf, I hope Ecklewood treats you well, old fellow. Don't listen to everyone and know that some people there aren't what one would call straight if you know what I mean,” I warned. “Your friend, Senior Pietta has a son named John who is just one of those people.”

  “I'm aware of his son. Senior has always preferred his daughter. At least she's honest,” said Alf. “John was trouble from the very beginning.”

  “You don't
need to tell me that,” I replied. “Billy will tell you the same.”

  Billy nodded and looked rather upset, “I hate goodbyes.”

  Alf, at that moment, let me into a little secret he'd always kept to himself but saw no need now, “we always liked the wizards and should any harm come to them, the rest of the elves who are still alive will put an end to the gnoman empire.”

  “I thought you were allergic to us,” I said.

  “We are, but we have a specific type of elven magic in our veins which we trained before we locked the gnomes out last time. We can make gnomes want something so much that each and every one of the pesky little things will stop at nothing to get it,” claimed Alf.

  “What do you have in mind?” I asked.

  “Well, last time, we sent them to the human realm thinking the humans would allow them total control of their realm,” said Alf.

  “That didn't work though,” I replied.

  Alf laughed, “of course it didn't. Not even the humans have control of their realm. They separate by means of borders and governments within each one. This time, I'm thinking about making the gnomes want nothing more than to stay in their own town and eat themselves rather than other species.”

  “Genius! They can reproduce quickly enough to continue eating themselves and their offspring. They'll never die out but never bother anyone,” I said. His plan was truly brilliant. The work of a genius. I wish I could come up with cunning plans like that.

  “Listen,” I continued. “I have this letter for Mr Senior Pietta. I don't suppose you could deliver it to him without reading it, could you? It's about John.”

  “I guess so, yes,” replied Alf, taking the letter from my hands with an intrigued look. “So, I guess this is goodbye then?”

  “Indeed it is,” I replied. “Take care of yourself, Alf.”

  “Thank you,” said Alf whose face held a smile. He turned around and began his walk which had a little more bounce to it, possibly from the couple of sneezes he let off on his way.

  “I don't know what I'm going to do,” said Woody almost to himself. “There's no place for a walking-talking tree in the industrial age of Mayr. I guess I'm destined to become firewood.”

  “Woody,” I said. “You can come with us.”

  “With us?” Billy asked. “Where are we going? I thought we were going back to Ecklewood too.”

  “We're going to the human realm, Billy,” I said. “And, Woody, I'd like you to join us.”

  Woody's face lit up like a child experiencing every birthday at once. With all his dreams come true, Woody jumped for joy and lifted his branches in the air. Birds sang and flew around him and leaves fell off – it didn't matter. Woody finally felt wanted.

  “The human realm?” asked Billy. “Are we really going there?”

  “Absolutely, Billy,” I answered. “Absolutely.”

  “Will the gnomes be there?” he asked.

  “Shut up, Billy,” Woody and I said in perfect synchronisation.

  +

  We waited for some time at the top of a hill overlooking the town we once called home.

  “Say goodbye to your old home, Billy,” I said. “We're going to our new home and will never see Ecklewood again.”

  “Never see it again?” asked Billy, taken aback by my comment. “What do you mean?”

  “Billy, we're going to the human realm and will be there forever more,” I informed him. “We're not staying in Mayr.”

  “Can we come back for holidays?” he asked.

  “All right, maybe,” I said. “But not for some time.”

  “OK. Goodbye to your old home, Billy,” said Billy.

  I looked at Billy and Woody joined me. Trees didn't have eyebrows but if they did, I'm sure Woody would have had one eyebrow raised, “Billy,” said Woody. “When someone tells you to say goodbye, you're not supposed to repeat what they say.”

  “I don't even know why I'm saying goodbye to a town anyway,” said Billy. “It's not like it's going to say goodbye back to me.” This was quite possibly the deepest and most philosophical thing he'd ever said. Certainly the cleverest.

  “Wait,” I had an idea. “Let's pay Ecklewood one last visit.”

  Billy turned to face me with excitement in his eyes. They lit up like a dog had seen its favourite squeaky toy for the first time in a week after its owners had confiscated it because of the noise it made.

  “Really?” Billy asked.

  “Really,” I answered. “I've got one last thing I need to do before we head home.”

  “I knew you were lying again,” said Billy. “We're going home now, to Ecklewood.”

  +

  Two wizards and a tree walk into a pub which sold its beer very cheaply. The bartender thought it was some kind of joke but there we were, as clear as day in the flesh and in the wood. Billy ordered the drinks as he was feeling particularly generous that day when it dawned on me, Billy had never actually bought a drink for anyone before – including himself. Now the prices were cheaper, he could afford to buy not only himself a drink but also the rest of our group. Woody didn't drink so that left just me.

  A television hung on the wall showed some prime time human programmes. It can be said that there was certainly more drama in the human realm and that was just the news channel. During the live broadcast of the human news, a broadcast from Mayr came on the television. A gnome appeared.

  “People of Mayr, the elves have gone,” the gnome said. “Every year, on the final day of spring, you paid your taxes to the elves by means of birds carrying the money to Ark-Gaiu. This was in former times. Now, with the aid of technology straight from the human realm, we have enabled bank transfers and you can now pay each and every month a percentage of your earnings.”

  “Seems reasonable enough,” a voice said from the watching punters in the pub.

  “Mayr has lost its magic,” I said under my breath. Woody and Billy both agreed with me and both looked upset by this news broadcast.

  “It isn't the same here no more,” said a disappointed Billy.”I miss the old days when we could use magic as we wanted to use it and some of the more natural things seemed magical in their own right.”

  “Who are you and what have you done with Billy?” I asked wearing an affectionate smile.

  “Can we go to the human realm now?” he asked.

  “Wait, there's something I have to do first,” I answered as I stood up and told Billy and Woody to wait where they were.

  I walked towards the bar and spoke to the bartender to ask for Senior Pietta.

  “He's over there with an elf,” she said, pointing to a dark corner on the other side of the pub. The elf was Alf and I waited for Alf to need the toilet before making my approach.

  I walked around the bar area and the people gathered watching the latest news broadcast from the gnomes, “Senior Pietta,” I said as I approached him wearing a grin. “Isn't this a pleasure?”

  “No,” replied Senior. “What are you doing here?”

  “I wanted to see if you received my letter,” I answered.

  “What letter?” he asked.

  “Ask Alf the elf about it,” I said. “Know this, everything that is written there is the absolute truth.”

  “Right,” he replied sharply. “Now, if you don't mind, I'm trying to get on with my life without you and your little friends.”

  As he asked so politely, I walked away and back to the table where Billy and Woody were finishing up their drinks.

  “What are you smiling to yourself about?” asked Billy.

  “You'll see, Billy. You'll see,” I said. “Another drink while we wait?”

  I got the drinks in and sat back down at the table. I kicked back and waited because sooner or later, the reason for my wait would come walking in and the smile upon his face would be wiped off in an instant.

  I checked my watch countless times and we waited for hours. Given the gnoman rule over Mayr and the restrictions upon Ecklewood now lifted, I didn't know what time
closing time was and was beginning to worry about my plan not coming off. But at least the beer was cheap – now even less than half the price it was when I first left, so I didn't mind waiting.

  The beers kept flowing and we kept waiting. Reducing the price of beer sounded like a great idea when I'd started out but now, with the amount of blood in my alcohol system, I felt as though I should have probably not set myself on this quest.

  Billy and I were rather drunk by the end of the night and Woody, being a tree, didn't have a drop. He just enjoyed being with real people in a real place and out of the forest. It was like a holiday for him. Woody had found us hilarious throughout the night listening to our rants about the woes of wizardry and the human realm.

  “There really is no pleasing you, is there?” Woody said.

  “I tell will you what,” I incoherently said. “Hoomans knows whats to do wiv their lives.”

  “OK,” Woody said. “You're talking nonsense. It's time to get you home.”

  “I've got none 'ome,” I said.

  Billy responded, “You got a gnome? 'Ow'd you get that 'un out?”

  “Shush, Billy,” I replied. “You're talkin' rubbubbish.”

  He picked Billy and me up in his outstretched branches and carried us out of the pub. Swinging us around like we were simple animals asking him for protection from the harsh winter of Mayr, Woody walked out of the pub and into the street where none other than John Pietta stood waiting for someone.

  I told Woody to wait around the corner and, keeping hold of Billy and me, he managed to understand the command which was difficult to deliver in my drunken state. We waited, we listened.

  After a short time, both Alf the elf and Senior Pietta vacated the pub and saw John waiting for them. John, of course, was unable to speak as the spell Eric and I had cast on him had no time limit. He remained silent while his father threw a tirade of abuse at his son.

  “How many times have I told you?” shouted Senior. “You cannot just go about your life doing these things. You must now do the honourable thing and marry her.”

  This was priceless, Alf had given Senior the letter which informed Senior Pietta of the wrong-doings of his own son. Senior Pietta had always wanted a grandchild and John was, realistically at least, the only way. Agatha was always too career-minded to even consider having a baby.