Wizards on a Rampage: A Tale of Two Realms (Mayr Stories Book 1)

by Lee Walsh

  Senior hit his son around the head, “speak boy.”

  John shook his head, unable to obey his father's order. Given the situation, I thought I'd cast another spell and grant John his speech back.

  “I don't want to marry her. I want to marry for love,” cried John, surprised at his newly found ability of speech.

  “I don't care, son,” said Senior. “It's the right thing to do and you will stay with her and help her whenever she needs and with whatever she wants.”

  Perfect.

  The next day came after we had spent the night in the surprising comforts of branches of a tree. Unfortunately, the hangover I had obtained from the previous night's endeavours wasn't as comfortable and my head pounded like a head should definitely not pound.

  Reducing the price of beer wasn't the best idea and it forced me to drink myself under the table. Well beyond what I could afford back in the day when beer wasn't cheap.

  I wished I hadn't bothered campaigning.

  Billy, who also nursed a hangover, asked, “are we going to the human realm now?”

  “Yes, Billy. It is time,” I replied.

  Once we'd recovered from our hangovers we started to tear a hole in the fabric and it opened up exactly as it should have done.

  “Are you ready for this?” I asked my two accomplices.

  “I'm ready,” said Billy.

  “Me too,” said Woody.

  “When are we coming back again?” Billy asked as we each jumped through.

  +

  20

  THE END OF THE WORLD IS WHEN THE WORLD'S GONE MAD

  Percy Sunsword, mastermind traveller between the two realms, had one last thing to do.

  “You've changed your tune,” said Percy. “Please, just write this the best way you can. Keep it real and true. That way, people will see the magic they have.”

  +

  BACK IN THE human realm of Earth, we found the same old oak tree and the same old fairy. This time, she looked just as miserable as every other time, as one would have expected of someone who eats worms daily. She munched on another worm and tended to her crying baby. The fairy looked as drained as a drained fairy could look. Her eyes were bloodshot, her hair scraggled and messy, her shoulders drooped down. I thought I'd cheer her up.

  “Could you transform us, into human-looking people, please?” I asked her.

  The fairy grunted, “I should've been a librarian.”

  “Relax,” I said with a welcoming smile. “I've got some good news for you.”

  “There's a surplus of worms around Earth and the humans have accepted fairies into their realm properly and will feed the fairies forever more?” she asked.

  “Better than that,” I said.

  “The fabric is going to be closed forever and not a single wizard will journey to Mayr again?” she hoped.

  “Even better than that,” I replied.

  “All wizards are doomed and will spend their lives as humans before they all die out?” she wished.

  “Whoa! That's a bit harsh,” I said.

  “Sorry, I'm not having the best of times at the minute,” said the fairy.

  “Well, fear not little one,” I said, a magical drum roll sounded out of the air before I gave her the surprise of her life. “You're going to get married.”

  “Erm... err...” replied the fairy as the drum roll stopped at the same time as the fairy's chewing. She needed a moment to think. “Don't you think I'd know about it?”

  “It's a new development,” I replied. “I expect John Pietta to come through the fabric any minute now.”

  “John? He can die for all I care. I wouldn't marry him if he was the last wizard, goblin, centaur, woodperson... why's there a woodperson with you?” quizzed the fairy who'd finally noticed Woody.

  “I'm to be here forever,” said Woody.

  “Woodfolk can't just come to Earth. The humans will never accept it,” the fairy continued munching away.

  “Yes they will,” I replied. “Humans needn't even know about Woody.”

  “Nope, never,” said the fairy. “They stopped believing in fairies many moons ago and I'm not sure they have ever believed in walking and talking trees.”

  “OK, can we get back on topic, please?” I changed the subject. “John Pietta got a good rollicking from his father and, as a result, will marry you and do anything you want for the rest of your lives.”

  “Pfft...” batted down the fairy through her nose. “Nah. But thanks.”

  “What do you mean, 'nah'?” I asked.

  “It means no. I don't want to marry John Pietta. I just want money for support and a good night's sleep,” claimed the fairy.

  “But you... never mind,” the truth is that I didn't know what to say. She'd wished for help with their baby but as soon as the opportunity to get help arrived, she refused it.

  “If someone's going to marry me, I want them to marry me because they love me. Not out of sympathy and certainly not out of being forced to marry someone. I might be just a small fairy to you but I still have feelings and I still have a choice – and I choose no,” she said. “I just want the money he should rightfully give me and leave me alone.”

  In an instant, with the best timing that anyone could ever ask for, the fabric opened again and in walked John Pietta.

  “What are you doing here?” John asked, looking at Billy and me.

  “Nothing. We're just off for a stroll. What are you doing here?” I smirked.

  “None of your business,” said a miserable-looking John. We knew he wouldn't speak whilst we were there. So Woody, Billy, and I walked away down the field and towards the bushes right after the fairy had transformed Billy and me into our new look.

  I wore a pair of smart jeans, a smart, woollen cardigan, and a t-shirt under it. My hair became short and dark and curly – I liked the curls.

  Billy didn't change so much but rather than his formally red robe, he wore a tracksuit with matching trainers.

  Woody remained a tree but still one that could walk and talk. We'd have to wait until nightfall before we headed to my house in the town. Waiting was what I'd hoped for. The bickering between John and the fairy began as we started to walk away and by dusk, they were still going at it tooth and nail.

  Their bickering led to all sorts of laughter from us three at the other end of the field. John eventually agreed to pay the support and be there if and when required. The fairy was happy with the support payments offered but told him that she never wanted to see him again.

  This occurrence made me realise something I'd never realised before – you should be wary of what you wish for. The fairy was struggling on her own but she was coping just fine. With the added financial support from John, she could employ someone to help her. With support from John in the marital sense, John would have brought drama and things would have been complicated. John returned to Mayr after dark and had to face the wrath of his father.

  This made me all the happier. But there was still one more thing I needed to make me once again as happy as Larry and my life complete – Wanda.

  +

  We left the field under the cover of darkness and quickly made our way to the house that Wanda and I had bought. Billy and Woody chatted away about the human realm while I concentrated on getting us there undetected, in one piece, and in the right place; two wizards and a walking, talking tree asking a human passer-by for directions would have no doubt raised a few eyebrows.

  We eventually arrived and Wanda welcomed us back. Hugging Billy and telling him how much she'd missed him and giving me the tightest hug I'd ever been on the receiving end of.

  “Erm, Percy,” said Wanda with a confused-sounding voice.

  “I know, you've missed me,” I replied. “Don't worry, I'm here to stay now.”

  “No, not that,” she said, keeping her arms around me. “Have you got your staff in your pocket?” she pulled back out of the hug.

  “Oh, right, yeah,” I said before I made it disappear with a touch
of magic.

  Wanda peered over my shoulder and noticed something unusual at the end of the garden path. Something remarkable and freakish – even for the human realm.

  “Percy,” she whispered. “Why is there a woodperson here?”

  “Woody?” I asked not knowing whether there were any other trees with other names around. “He's come with us. He's the last one and I had to bring him. We better go inside, I'll tell you everything.”

  I ushered Woody into the house along with Billy and we all sat down and discussed what had happened.

  Woody mentioned how grateful he was of Wanda allowing him to stay with us – despite that being news to the both of us but we weren't to argue. On the way to the house, Woody had noticed a number of his cousins lined up in the road so felt like the human realm could be made into a home even for him. We weren't going to disappoint him.

  Billy was amazed at the magical inventions the humans had. Machinery that makes a noise and makes things on the floor disappear – particularly useful when you have a tree sat on your sofa. Billy was also amazed at the sight of a washing machine.

  “What kind of magical thing is that?” he said, gobsmacked at the sheer aggression in the spin cycle, rotating his head at the same speed.

  “That, Billy, is a washing machine. It washes clothes,” said Wanda.

  Billy, from that moment forward, was left mesmerised by the miracles the humans had come up with during their short lives and then said possibly the most intelligent thing he'd ever said.

  “You know, humans are quite like us. They might be from a different realm and all that but really, they live short lives and still manage to come up with these things. We are lazy and have always used magic. Now in Mayr, they have technology which has replaced the magic. The humans use technology to their advantage whilst still managing to think up new things and discovering others. They evolve. The human realm has more magic than Mayr could ever have with washing machines and doorknobs and light switches. They're also free to do as they want, go where they want. There's more magic in that, if you ask me.”

  Wanda and I looked on in utter astonishment. The human realm had brought something new over Billy. He wasn't the stupid wizard with few deep thoughts any more; Billy was a new man in a new realm with new ideas. We left him to his own devices for a short time while we had a catch up at the dining table in the kitchen over a cup of tea for me and a coffee for Wanda.

  I told her of the events in Mayr and what had changed there since the gnomes went back. She wasn't surprised by the claims and had just one thing to say about the matter.

  “Men!”

  We vowed, at that moment, to never go to Mayr again. The human realm was our home now and Mayr was a distant memory, one in which we could reminisce at times but sometimes, some things are better left in memory. Wanda would visit her aunt and my uncle every other weekend and Billy and I would walk around and just observe the humans – injecting a little magic into their miserable little lives ever so elegantly. The world was our oyster, so the humans say. But that didn't bring us the happiness we craved.

  +

  A great big mess – that was my impression of the human realm after spending the first six months there. It was pure and utter chaos. Rain in the summer and the next day pure, crystal clear blue skies followed by snow in the autumn; the world was as crazy as a badger in a hat smoking a cigar. Not only was the weather insane, the humans themselves weren't exactly the wisest of creatures; voting political leaders into power and allowing those 'leaders' the dignity in belief of control. There was little control but the humans made the ruling powers happy by giving them money. It was total madness.

  Wanda and I appreciated the freedom and chaos of the human realm and visited some of their magnificent structures; Stonehenge; a wonderous stone circle, ancient and pristine and atmospheric. The Great Pyramids; really big stone pointy things, also ancient. The Colossus of Rhodes; a really big stone human, also particularly old. The Colosseum in Rome; an old, stone building once used for sporting activities. The Great Wall of China; an antique stone wall, one that was so big it was visible from a great height – which using magic we thought we'd check. Then we visited the Hanging Gardens of Babylon but the name of it frightened me so we quickly left that place.

  These wonders had me wondering about the humans; such short lives, such a lack of intelligence, so mundane and nothing in the way of true fulfilment, and yet they manage to build such things. This all amazed me; I had never known a species so obsessed with big stone pointy things in my life. Also, all these stone structures were older than even me. Humans worked their whole lives, paid money to their rulers, battled with anarchist nature and then retired. Their bodies mostly too old to enjoy the free time of their retirement but in those few years after retirement, they managed to visit some of the really big stone pointy things and were happy that their lives had led to that.

  I found myself in a further state of surprise when the anarchic nature of nature brought about something which obeyed the laws. Winter came and pounced on us like a cat on an obese hamster called Perseus. On the day winter came, snow came with it.

  “Well, at least there is some sense in the human realm. They do have snow and it is at the right time of year this time,” I said to Wanda over breakfast. “Perhaps we could pay Billy a visit today.”

  “Not a bad idea,” she replied. “It would be nice to spend some time with him rather than travelling. I do fancy going to the Arctic circle this afternoon, though.”

  “Fine,” I said. “We have a deal.”

  +

  We had bought Billy a house down the road from our own with the hope he'd be able to survive living on his own with the company of a tree we'd planted in the back garden. We had also bought a second tree to keep Woody company in the garden.

  Woody told us that he didn't want to walk around any more. It was time for him to be like all of the other trees in the human realm and remain potted. He was tired and appreciated an extra large pot for his roots. The second tree was a spruce tree we'd named Bruce. It couldn't talk or walk but Woody appreciated the company all the same.

  “This is the best friend I've ever had,” Woody once said. “She doesn't talk back.”

  When we arrived at Billy's house, we found him in the garden playing in the snow. A smile, which stretched as wide as the human oceans, was the first thing we noticed. It was a cold day and the snow was still falling but he was enjoying himself.

  “Billy, you need gloves,” claimed Wanda before she magicked some nice, knitted mittens for his playful activities.

  “I love this realm,” said Billy when the gloves appeared on his hands and he continued playing.

  “Why don't we build a snowman?” I asked innocently.

  “A snowman?” said Wanda. “Why a snowman? Can't we build a snowwoman instead?”

  Over the six months we'd spent in the human realm, I grew tired of Wanda's rants against men. As much as I loved the witch, she was rather annoying. After asking her question, she went on a long tirade about how men always have the first word, always the decision makers, always him and never her. I wasn't listening to her rant, I needn't have done so. I'd heard it a million times before but I was a good actor and pretended to agree with everything she said.

  Sometimes, in one's life, one comes across an unexpected scenario. A scenario which is something said or done that throws one so far back, you could fall off the end of the world. A simple few words can destroy or create a life, a simple few words can lead your jaw to fall off in shock and clatter into a thousand pieces on the ground. I managed to hold my jaw before the worst happened but what caused my surprise was one of those least expected scenarios.

  “I've got some women's clothes upstairs,” said Billy. “I'd quite like a snowwoman too.”

  “Billy, why do you have women's clothes?” I asked. “You live here on your own.”

  “Well, since Wanda made me into a woman elf, I've started to like women's clothes. They're real
ly comfy,” said Billy. “Do you want to try some on too, Percy?”

  “No,” I sharply replied. “But thanks.”

  Billy went off to get the clothes he liked so much for his snowwoman while Wanda wore a wry grin.

  “Told you so,” Wanda said smugly. “Women will one day replace men.”

  “You've never said that,” I replied.

  “Yes I have. I said it a few minutes ago but you're a man, you were listening to my voice but not my words,” she argued.

  I wanted so badly to disagree with her but it would have made the situation worse. Instead, I decided to keep my mouth shut and not utter a single word. Well, not until Billy came back wearing women's clothes and with spare clothes for his snowwoman.

  I broke out in hysteria. My belly laugh forced me down onto the floor and I rolled over and around at the sight of Billy wearing a grandmother's flowery blouse, high heels, and a mini-skirt. It was a sight to behold indeed and brings a chuckle to me even now.

  Wanda stopped me laughing when she commented, “Billy Tart, you look wonderful. Ignore Percy.” Her eyes were cold and cruel and removed the laugh from my belly.

  I watched the two build their snowma... woman from the kitchen window. It was nice to see Billy so happy and I could see in Wanda's eyes, she too was surprised by Billy's new interest – she liked it. They eventually finished with the snowwoman and the three of us went inside for a nice glass of mulled wine.

  Wanda and I told Billy of the stories we'd collected in the human realm. He listened to the stories of our travels and exclaimed his desire to see all of them. The truth is, they were made of stone and there was little Billy knew of the difference between the stones that shared the pot with Woody and the stones the humans liked to make pointy things out of.

  The conversation then started on clothes and how comfortable women's clothes were. Wanda and Billy discussed the tribulations of wearing high heels and various other items of clothing and swapping fashion tips. That was my cue to leave.