Wings and Faith

by Joy Redmond

  Kati’s eyes filled with tears, then she said softly, “No, Mama. I know what you’re going to say and I don’t want to hear it. I’ll handle things.”

  Mandy hugged her daughter to her heart, then said, “Okay, honey. Just know that you and the baby have a home with me—anytime.”

  “I know, Mama. Thanks,” Kati said, kissed her mother on the cheek, then hurried down the hallway.

  Mandy tossed and turned, wondering if sleep was going to elude her all night. She had finally dozed off when she heard a noise in the kitchen. She got up and found Kati and Tony trying to get the coffee pot going. She laughed. “Here kids. I’ll get it going. Do you want me to fix you some bacon, eggs, biscuits and gravy? It’ll stick to your ribs and you won’t be hungry until it’s time to stop and eat for the night.”

  “Yeah, Mama. And fix us some fried potatoes and onions to go with it,” Tony said.

  “We have to have potatoes and onions,” Kati said. “I’m eating for two, you know,” she said, and rubbed her hand over her tummy.

  “I can fill that order and I’ll do it with pleasure. I’ll start cooking while you get packed and loaded,” Mandy said, but almost choked on the knot in her throat. When it was time for them to leave, Mandy and Abbie hugged and kissed them, and the ‘I love you`s’ were exchanged before they got into the car.

  Mandy held on to Abbie’s hand so tightly she wondered if she was squeezing the blood from the tiny hand as she watched the car back out of the driveway. She continued to cling to Abbie, her glue, as the car disappeared from view. “There goes my heart,” she mumbled.

  Abbie wiped her eyes and said, “You still have me and Fluffy.”

  Mandy wiped her eyes but couldn’t speak. She just clung to Abbie’s tiny hand. As she stood, willing herself to pull it together, she felt something brush against her legs. She looked down and was surprised to see Fluffy, rubbing his body around her ankles. Fluffy had never rubbed up against her, and it was as if he was trying to let Mandy know that he loved her and he was sorry that she was sad.

  Abbie picked up Fluffy. “Come on, boy. I’ll feed you some Friskies and let Mama have her space. She’s a little emotional. We’ll stay in the house until she’s ready to come in.”

  Mandy smiled and watched Abbie head for the house. Such a wise child to be so young, she thought. She just stood for a few minutes, so thankful for the past three days, and hurting because it was all over.

  She held her hand over her brows to shield her eyes from the bright sun, looked upward, and just as she said, “Thank you, Lord,” a beautiful butterfly landed on her arm. She slowly lowered her arm to her side. The butterfly seemed to be looking into her eyes as it flapped its wings. Then it flew away.

  “Carry my love to my children on your beautiful wings.”

  She watched the butterfly ascend higher and higher until it was out of sight. Her heart knew that it was carrying her love to the heavens and the heavenly spirits would sprinkle that love over her children.

  “Merry Christmas to the world,” she whispered. “This has been one of the greatest.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Three months later, Mandy was getting ready for bed when the phone rang. As always, she hoped the call was from one of her children. She raced through the dining area, stubbed her toe on a chair that hadn’t been pushed under the table and yelled, “Shit,” then hurried into the kitchen and grabbed the receiver.

  “Hello,” she said, as she propped her foot on the stepstool and rubbed her throbbing toe.

  “You have a collect call from Kati. Will you accept charges?”

  “Yes,” Mandy almost yelled. “Kati, it’s so—” Mandy stopped talking when she heard Kati sniffling. “What’s wrong?” She held her breath, hoping Jay hadn’t hurt Kati.

  “I lost my baby, Mama. The doctor said it had stopped growing when I was about six weeks along. I started having severe cramps so I went to the ER. I passed it, but the nurse wrapped it in a towel and hurried out of the room before I could see it. Then the doctor came in,” Kati’s voice shut off.

  “I’m so sorry, honey—”

  Before Mandy could continue, Kati managed to say, “The doctor said he couldn’t tell what sex it was. He said it was just a big blob. It didn’t even form.” Kati broke down again.

  Mandy wiped her tears. “I’m just so sorry, honey. I know it’s a loss and I have no words of comfort, but just know that I love you and my heart hurts for you.” Mandy paused a few minutes and listened to Kati cry.

  Mandy sat down on the stepstool. God, forgive me. I’m relieved the baby is gone. That sweet baby was dipped into a bad gene pool. And now Kati has no reason to stay with Jay. Maybe now she’ll come home. I do hurt for my baby because she lost her baby. Please bring her peace.

  Kati called her mother the next week and she sounded cheerful, which brought peace to Mandy’s heart. “Jillian and I are going to go out to the lake and have a picnic. The weather is nice and we’ve got cabin fever.”

  “Fantastic. Give Jillian my love. And, honey, one more time, I just want you to know you can come back home—”

  Kati cut Mandy off. “That’s something else I want to talk to you about. I’m ready to come home, but before you jump up and down, it’ll be a couple months before I come back. Jay is grieving very hard over the loss of the baby and I don’t have the heart to tell him that I’m going to leave just yet. And Jillian and her boyfriend are moving to Texas. So, I want to spend as much time as I can with her before she leaves. I’ll call when I think the time is right.”

  “I understand, honey. Give Jillian my love. Just let me know when you are ready to come home.”

  “I will, Mama. I need to go. Jillian will be here in a few minutes. Love ya.”

  “Love you too,” Mandy said, and her heart smiled.

  The next two months, life went on as usual. Mandy worked, Abbie went to school, they spent Sundays on the beach, and Mandy was happy, knowing that Kati would be coming home soon. And Tony would be coming for the summer. Every day, Mandy anxiously waited for the call from Kati, telling her she was on the way home. The first of May, she got the call.

  “Mama, I didn’t call collect this time. I came over to see Effy and she said I could call straight through.”

  “It’s so good to hear from you. So, how’s Effy?”

  “Same ol’ Effy. She thinks she’s my mother and she’s going to tell me how to live my life and boss me around. Well, she’s not going to tell me anything. She’s as bad as you. She has all the answers about what I should and shouldn’t do. Anyway, yesterday was a sad day for me. I had to tell Jillian bye. She’s off to Texas to start a new life. I cried my eyes out, but she promised she’d come back for a visit from time to time.”

  “I know telling her bye was hard, honey. I miss her myself. So, now that she’s gone are you ready to come home?”

  “No, I’m pregnant again. I’m due January twenty-forth.”

  “No, Kati. No!” Mandy said before she could stop the words from coming out of her mouth.

  “Well, that’s a hell of way to act. I’m happy about it. I want this baby. I should have known—”

  Mandy interrupted before Kati went into a rage. “I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t mean for my words to come out like that. If you’re happy, then I’m happy for you. I was just so excited, thinking that you were coming back home. I—”

  Kati said, “And if I came back home it would be the same way as it was before I left. I’d either go back to school or get a job and support myself because you won’t put up with a freeloader, blah, blah, blah.” Kati hung up the phone.

  Mandy hung up and deeply sighed. “Same ol’ Kati,” she mumbled. Mandy stood by the phone for a second, trying to get her emotions under control.

  The first of June, Tony came home for the summer. Mandy picked him up at the airport in Tampa, and she couldn’t believe how he had grown, how deep his voice was, and she was a little surprised with his change in personality. He’s going through pube
rty, she reminded herself. It’s a hard and confusing time in a teen’s life. He’s no longer your little boy. He’s becoming a man. Accept it.

  The summer flew by on wings of laughter and fun with her children, but Mandy felt as if she hadn’t spent much time with her son. She worked all week, and Tony spent the weekends with Todd and his dad, fishing off the pier.

  Mandy couldn’t believe all that had changed, not only in her life, but in her children’s lives in the past two years. She still loved Florida and her job, and Abbie was still a happy, sweet child who made straight A’s in school, but there was a hole in Mandy’s heart she knew would never be filled.

  It was Christmas time again, and Mandy’s mind went back to last Christmas. She pulled up those precious memories and heard the giggles and smells of a home Christmas. This year it would be so different. Her parents weren’t coming because the long trip was too hard on them. Kati was seven months pregnant and couldn’t travel. The only good thing was Mandy’s parents had given Tony money for a plane ticket.

  Though it was only the three of them, they had a wonderful time and Mandy did her best to make the week as festive as possible, including squirting Fluffy with the water bottle every time he climbed the Christmas tree.

  Every night, Mandy gazed upon the angel on top of the tree, hoping it would turn purple and flap its wings. Nothing happened, but she didn’t give up hope.

  Kati called three times and talked to Tony for an hour. Then she said a few words to Abbie, and Mandy got the ‘I love you’ and that was it.

  Winter passed by and Mandy seldom heard from Kati or Tony. Her heart hurt, but Abbie was her solace. She kept reminding herself that her two oldest were grown and not her little ones, but it didn’t stop the pain. “The empty nest syndrome is hell,” she mumbled, as she thought of the first year in Florida when they had all been together as a family and so happy.

  Mandy and Wanda celebrated the New Year, 1981. Mandy fixed up a cheese and meat tray, and Wanda brought a bottle of wine. Abbie and Debbie played with their new Barbie dolls, and Mandy and Wanda ate and watched movies on TV. At the stroke of midnight, they all hugged, wished each other a happy new year, then Wanda and Debbie went home.

  Abbie took Fluffy with her to her bedroom, and Mandy went to her bedroom. The longer she lay, the bigger and emptier the bed became. Her heart was heavy, knowing that soon Kati would be a mother, she’d be a grandmother at the ripe age of thirty-eight, and she would miss the birth of her first grandbaby. Life is a bitch! she thought, and threw a pillow across the room.

  As January passed by, Mandy became more anxious and depressed. One day, she went into Dr. Barrow’s office after all the patients had been seen. “I need to talk with you if you have a minute.”

  “Have a seat,” he said, motioning with his hand toward the chair in front of his desk. “What’s bugging you? You haven’t been your jolly self as of late.”

  Mandy explained about her first grandbaby and how it was due in two weeks and she didn’t think she could bear the thought of missing out on the birth and not being able to hold the baby when it arrived. “You might fire me, but I’m going to Missouri. I just can’t—”

  Dr. Barrows held up his hand. “I completely understand. You won’t get fired. This is a special time for you and I don’t want it on my conscience that I caused you to miss it. So, stop fretting. Helen can fill in for you. What dates do you need to be off? I’ll have to give Helen time to get her fussing over with.”

  “I need a week and a few days. I want to leave on the twenty-sixth. Kati is due on the twenty-seventh, and I hope she isn’t late giving birth. Then I’d like to stay a week with her after she gives birth. She’ll need some help—”

  Again, Dr. Barrows held up his hand. “Consider it an early two week paid vacation. Wanda will cut you a check the day before you leave.” He stood, reached for his wallet, took it out, and handed Mandy a hundred dollar bill. “Here. Buy something special for the baby. And congratulations, Grandma.”

  “Grandma,” Mandy repeated. “That doesn’t taste good in my mouth. I think Nana sounds better.”

  “Fine, Nana. Now, go on. I’ve got paperwork to do. Then I have to go home and break the news to Helen. This should be a fun night,” he said, and wiped his brow.

  “Thank you!” Mandy cried, and she wanted to hug the pudgy man.

  “Get!” Dr. Barrows said, then sat back down and a smile spread his lips.

  Mandy drove home and it felt as if another ten-ton elephant had finally hoisted itself off her chest and trotted back to the jungle.

  Mandy checked Abbie out of school on the twenty-fifth and gathered her text books along with her homework assignments. The next morning, Wanda drove them to the airport. Mandy flew into Indiana, and her parents picked them up at the airport.

  Abbie stayed with her grandparents while Mandy borrowed her mother’s old Buick and drove to Missouri. During the drive she remembered the many trips she had made on the familiar roads for two years, back and forth from Kentucky and Missouri. It was then she began to wonder if she had made a mistake when she moved to Florida.

  Mandy found the trailer park with no trouble. She pulled the car into a small space between two trailers and hoped she had enough room to open the car door. She eyed the trailer. Well, it’s better than what I started out in, but it’s right pitiful.

  She tapped on the door, then she heard footsteps. Her heart pounded.

  Kati opened the door. “Mama! Mama!” She almost tripped and fell down the steps as she flung herself into her mother’s arms. “What are you doing here? Oh my God!”

  Mandy clung to her daughter as she shivered from the cold wind whipping through her body. “Surprise! I didn’t have any way to call you, so I just came on. I can’t let you have my grandbaby without me here to tell you how.” She laughed through tears of joy, and Kati cried as if she were a newborn.

  “Let me get inside. I’m not used to this cold weather. I’ve been in Florida too long. And I do believe those are snow clouds I see up there,” she said, looking toward the sky.

  “Come on in, Mama,” Kati said as Mandy made her way up the three steps. “I can’t tell you how happy I am to see you. And yeah, we’re supposed to get snow starting tonight and it’s going to continue for the next few days. Welcome back to Missouri.” Kati hugged Mandy again, and she didn’t seem to want to ever turn lose.

  After the hugging and tears of joy were over, Kati showed Mandy around the trailer. They went into the back room, which was to be the nursery. “My neighbor gave me a crib and playpen. I think they’re in pretty good shape even if they are used.”

  “Well, they’re fine honey. What else have you got for the baby?” Mandy asked as she looked around the room. “That’s it? What about diapers, jumpers, and all the other stuff it’s going to need?” she asked, not believing her ears or eyes.

  “I don’t have those things. I don’t have any money.”

  Mandy was stunned beyond words as she fought for control of her emotions. She would love to get her hands around Jay’s neck. Finally, she managed to say, “I don’t want us to start yelling at each other and I’m sure I’m going to say the wrong thing, but why don’t you have what the baby is going to need before and after it comes home. You said Jay had a good job. You’re due tomorrow!”

  Kati’s eyes filled with tears. “Because he drinks up every dime he makes. We just barely pay the rent and keep the electric on. We do have food, which Jay cusses about all the time because he says I eat everything in sight. I get hungry, Mama.” Kati wiped her eyes. “I need things. The baby needs things. I never have as much as a dime in my pocket.” Kati fell against her mother and sobs wracked her body.

  Mandy just held her daughter tightly as she tried to swallow the knot in her throat. Déjà vu, Mandy thought. Still following in your mother’s footsteps. God help you!

  February 1st, Kati gave birth to a baby girl. Mandy held the tiny baby and her heart melted. Tina was the most beautiful baby she had ev
er laid her eyes on. “You sure have made me a happy nana, little Tina. I love you so much,” she said through tears of joy as she held the baby to her chest and felt the tiny heart as it beat against hers. She never wanted to put the sweet baby down.

  The next day, Mandy went shopping and spent the hundred dollars on a bottle sterilizer, a dozen bottles, two cases of formula, diapers, outfits, lotions, bath wash, shampoo, and a teddy bear. Her grandbaby was set for a few weeks. Then what? she wondered.

  The next day, Kati and Tina came home, and for the next week Tina slept on Mandy’s chest every night. She only woke up once during the night for a feeding. Mandy was in heaven, holding and sleeping with her precious granddaughter. “How am I going to be able to leave you, little darling? It’s going to break Nana’s heart,” Mandy said each time Tina sucked her bottle, and her bright eyes stared at Mandy as if she understood every word.

  Mandy would burp Tina, change her diaper, then place the baby back on her chest and pat her to sleep. One night, Mandy was about to doze off when she heard sweet chimes playing. They were coming from overhead. She glanced toward the ceiling, hoping she’d see Purple Angel, but nothing was on the ceiling except dirty specks. The chimes continued to play until Mandy was in a sound sleep.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Mandy thought she would surely die from a broken heart when she had to kiss and tell Kati and Tina goodbye. Grief settled around her as if it were a shroud of death. She had lost her first born. Now she was losing her first grandbaby, for she’d never see Tina cut her first tooth, sit up for the first time, take her first steps, and she would miss out on hearing the sweet coos and laughter that was the most precious thing a baby did.

  Blinded by tears, Mandy stomped through deep snow on her way to the car, wondering if she’d be able to see the road and make her way back to Kentucky. As she drove across the bridge that would take her to Illinois, the roads were cleared, but her mind was busy as she deeply sighed and wondered why about so many things.