Ultimate Sin

by Clarissa Wild

  But I want you to know that, no matter where you are, I will always be there looking out for you, even after I’m long gone.

  I hold my breath as I read the words.

  I want you to live out a long and happy life. It’s all I ever wanted. All I tried to achieve. You were my object of affection, but also my one goal in life …

  I did many wrong things in my life, but I vowed that I would make things right.

  I don’t know if I have, or if I ever will, but know that I tried harder than I thought I was capable of.

  I knew that pouring my soul into helping both you and Daniel meant that you would be free one day. However, I never anticipated you’d fall for me. And no matter how much I tried to resist, I fell in love with you too.

  Love. He loved me. He truly did love me.

  I never planned to fall, but it happened … and I knew that it would ruin us both.

  It meant that, one day, you would have to find out what I had done to you. And it would shatter you beyond repair.

  All that I tried to achieve, to fix what I’d broken, to mend your wounds, was for nothing if you would simply give up because of me.

  So here is why I write you this letter.

  To become free, I needed to show you the world, and in doing so, showed you myself. But I don’t want you to lose faith in humanity. There are so many wonderful people out there, all of whom have their own story to tell you, but none of them will ever be as cruel as mine was to you.

  I hope you will accept my last gift to you.

  Attached to this letter is my personal notebook. I wasn’t planning to give it away, but maybe it will help you overcome your grief and anger over discovering my secret.

  I pick up the notebook and look at the front and back, wondering what’s inside.

  I’m sorry to have put you through so much pain. I know it can never be forgiven, but at least, find it in your heart to move on.

  Daniel will be there for you, I just know he will, and you must rely on him to support you. I’ve seen how well you two get along. There’s something between you that you have to hold onto.

  I know you two belong to each other.

  I look up at Daniel, who’s blushing when he notices what it reads. I smile at him, knowing we have Marcus’s blessing. Even though it isn’t necessary because he’s no longer here … it still feels right.

  It’s funny how things go. I never intended for you two to fall for each other, yet you did. It ended up providing a great escape for you both. Something worth exploring … worth fighting for. Cherish it. Love it. Adore it. Live it.

  Don’t linger in the past. Focus on the future. It’s what I would want for you the most.

  Please, read the attached notebook. It’ll give you insight into why I did what I did, and it may relieve you of some misery, even if it’s only a tiny bit … anything is worth a shot.

  Because to me, you are the golden girl.

  A girl worth fighting for with every last ounce of my blood.

  I didn’t know it when I first bought you, but I know it now. You are something else, Ava. Somebody who deserves so much more but was never given a chance.

  So here is your chance.

  Take it.

  Take everything and make your life exactly the way you want it to be.

  With love,

  Master Marcus

  P.S. Turn over the note.

  When I flip the note, I discover there’s a picture of me being hugged by my mom and dad. It looks old and frayed, and I imagine this to be something Marcus would’ve kept in a shoebox all this time. With tears in my eyes, I peel away the tape, freeing the picture. On the back, it says: ‘We love you, Ava! Xx Mom and Dad.’

  Ava.

  Ava is my real name.

  The name I was born with.

  Something so little as a picture with the faces of those who loved you can suddenly make you remember something you thought you’d long forgotten.

  My name is really Ava.

  Marcus already knew. He’d always known.

  I just didn’t remember … but I do now.

  Biting my lip, I stare at the last few sentences for a while, hearing his voice in my head. I bite back the tears.

  “Ava … does that mean your real name is Ava too?” Daniel murmurs.

  “Yeah …” I mumble, blinking away the tears.

  “My real name is Maurice, I think …” he says.

  I look up at him. “How do you know?”

  “One of the first boxes I found.” He frowns. “I didn’t realize at the time that the name that was scribbled under the picture was my real name, but the more I thought about it, the more it sounded familiar.”

  “Except I named you Daniel,” I say.

  He smiles at me. “I like Daniel better, actually.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah.” He nods. “You picked it.”

  “Like Ava. Marcus picked Ava … it always felt real, even if I didn’t know it then.”

  “He really loved you, didn’t he?” Daniel says, rubbing my back.

  “I think he did, yeah …” I say, sniffing. “But it’s good, you know? It’s good.”

  Daniel nods and points at the notebook. “Wanna read what’s inside?”

  “Yeah, why not. Maybe it will help us understand.”

  I put the small note back into the envelope and place it back into the box like a precious item that can never be disturbed. Then I open the notebook and start to read out loud.

  Diary of Marcus Knight

  Entry 1

  Today the doctor told me I had a tumor in my head.

  Honestly, I don’t know what to do.

  I’ve been thinking all day, wondering how the heck I’m going to live through this.

  I have no money. No job. Luckily, no wife and kids either, but I can’t afford the medical bills that come with curing a fucking tumor.

  But I’m way too young to die. Eighteen … I’m only eighteen. Fuck that, I won’t. I won’t give up. I’ll find whatever I can and scrape things together to fix this. It’s my only chance of survival, but I’m not ready to die yet.

  I will beat this.

  Entry 2

  I found a new job in the underground business. Got the job from a friend, but I’m not too sure about this. It all seems a bit too violent to me. We shake clients so they pay the cash they owe. It’s a dirty job, but I guess someone’s gotta do it. Every time I beat someone up, I tell myself I’m doing this for a good reason. It’s the only way to beat this tumor and sorry to anyone who gets in my way of achieving my goal.

  I guess it’s eat or get eaten in this world.

  But it’s gonna come at a cost, of that I’m sure.

  Entry 3

  I’m bald. Like, literally, bald as an eagle. The meds are working, but I don’t know for how long. I feel so fucking sick all the time; I can barely do my job. I think my boss has threatened to fire me about ten times now, but he doesn’t wanna let me go either because I’m too good at what I do. Too driven. Too fucking in it to stop.

  I tried to get out, but they wouldn’t let me. Threatened to kill me themselves if I tried to leave.

  I should’ve seen it coming. With all this money being thrown at me for beating up people, it was bound to get to me. It’s like a curse. The more you do it, the more you want. The more you depend on them, the more they need you. It’s a never-ending cycle of destruction. One I’m now a part of … and can’t get out of anymore.

  This company is sick, just like me.

  And it just isn’t right. It isn’t right that these companies exist. That we exist. That we have so much control and can do so much damage in such a small world.

  We should never be allowed to exist … yet we do.

  I despise it, and I hope one day, somehow, this whole company will be gone forever.

  Entry 4

  Today I went too far.

  One fucking time, that’s all it takes to mess with my head.

  I wasn’t ju
st asked to kill someone. I was asked to murder an entire family. The man of the house belonged to the same company as me but a different division. He’s an assassin, and as a member of the Tribunal, it is apparently my job to put others in their place.

  But I just couldn’t do it. Not with those little eyes staring at me. In those eyes, I saw myself … the reflection of a monster.

  What have I become?

  To cure myself, I ruin the lives of others … Now, I know what it takes to be one of them … to be alive. I take lives to live.

  Yet I couldn’t do it.

  They know I don’t have the guts to do it their way, so they make me take along a partner. He forces me to do it; he tells me we can’t go back to the boss like that, or he’ll kill us both. He made me fucking do it.

  He made me bring that boy to Vladim’s division. That monster who sells kids as if they’re fucking tradable.

  Because I was a coward, I couldn’t shoot the boy … instead, I sold his life away.

  I’m a fucking monster.

  And I just know that, someday, someone will do much worse to me.

  I just know I will be punished for this.

  Entry 5

  The meds I’m taking are bought with blood.

  Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit. Makes me loathe who I’ve become.

  Just to stay alive, I sacrificed and sold my soul to the devil.

  Not once but twice … I was given the exact same assignment.

  Kill an entire family.

  Only this one wasn’t even associated with the company. They just owed some money.

  And I needed to do it.

  On Christmas day, we came, and I put a bullet in his head.

  I heard the mother scream, and she ran into her room. My accomplice and I went after her, only to discover that she had a kid. A little girl, in fact.

  We only discovered it after my partner had already shot her point blank.

  The poor little girl was so afraid of me.

  I wonder what she saw when she looked at the sick, bald man with the sunglasses. If she could see the pain he felt as he was forced to kill her entire family.

  I hope she could.

  I hope she could feel his anger, his rage, as he was forced to either shoot her too or bring her to Vladim. I chose the impossible. I chose to make her live because who could kill an innocent little girl?

  So I did what I vowed never to do again. I sold the girl to Vladim.

  With every passing second, I hate myself more than before.

  I did the unthinkable. Committed the ultimate sin. Traded a life for my own, not once, but twice, damning them to live an eternal hell.

  What life was I buying for myself? Not one where I felt alive, that’s for sure. It was more like a life in hell. I guess that’s what you get for making a wish you don’t deserve.

  As they say, the truth’s a bitch.

  Entry 6

  Yesterday, my doctor told me I was cleared.

  Free of the cancer that had spread in my brain.

  I was free. Free from the pain. Free from the life sentence.

  But never free from the guilt.

  Today, I told myself I would never sell another soul. Not to anyone. Not even to save myself.

  I vowed to undo what I’d done. To fix what couldn’t be fixed.

  I couldn’t bring back the dead, and neither was I planning to. But I gave those two little souls a sentence neither of them needed to serve. I needed to make things right.

  Not just for myself … but for them.

  Why else would I still be alive, if not for them?

  I owed my goddamn soul to them, and I would give anything to repay that debt. So I did. I devised a plan. I would work for these men until my fingers bled. I would kill and punish until I rose in ranks, and I would rise above them.

  In this filthy, underground world, there is no way you can redeem yourself without being killed. The rules prevented us from doing the right thing. No … If I wanted to beat the system, I would have to become the system.

  I would work my way up until I became their leader. Oh, yes, I will fucking make it happen.

  And when I do … nothing will stop me from bringing this whole company down to the ground.

  Entry 7

  Two tattoos. That’s what I got today.

  Two stars, one each on my shoulder blades. Every time I undress, I will force myself to look at them, to remind myself of what I have done.

  Two stars, two tiny little souls that I crushed with my bare hands.

  They would become the stars that kept me awake at night. They would make me think of all the days they spent in the claws of that monster; the days they’d spend in hell thanks to me.

  Stars, because they shine so brightly in the distance, but when their light reached the world, they faded away. Nobody could ever see them shine.

  Two stars I vowed to rescue and set free. Even if it cost me my life.

  Entry 8

  I thought I was free, but I’m not.

  Years passed, and I honestly thought I could survive.

  Today my doctor told me the tumor might be back.

  I’m beyond devastated … if it’s true, then all I did was for nothing.

  All that killing, all the horrible jobs. It was all for nothing.

  I’m going to die anyway.

  There’s no escaping it.

  If this tumor grows back, that’s it. My life and those of all the people I’ve ruined will have been for nothing.

  I can’t let that happen. I can’t let their sacrifice, and mine, be for nothing.

  I have to do something.

  Entry 9

  I’ve succeeded.

  I became the right-hand of the leader of the Tribunal, and today, he passed away.

  Finally, I am the one giving the orders … the one deciding the rules.

  And the rules are about to change.

  First, I tracked down where the girl was shipped off to. I didn’t find much, other than that she was sold to DeLuca after seven years of training at Vladim’s division. So I made the decision to buy her from DeLuca, at whatever cost necessary. It took a while to persuade him, but I managed to get him to sell her to me. The boy would come later because I needed to see first if this would work or not.

  But I won’t let him down. I will make sure that I rescue both of them from those monsters’ grasps and give them back what rightfully belongs to them; their life.

  It doesn’t matter how much work it takes, or how much time, I will give them back what I took from them. I will atone for my sins.

  Entry 10

  She came into my home reluctantly, so scared. God, I wish I could tell her the truth, but knowing that I am her master now makes that even harder. If she did, she’d be ruined.

  I can’t let her know the truth.

  I must keep up appearances and give her whatever she needs in order to fix what I broke.

  Even if it means sacrificing my own heart … I will do it.

  But fuck me, is it difficult to resist.

  She’s not young anymore.

  She’s skinny, yes, but ripe for the taking.

  I never expected her to be this age already. She looks twenty … perhaps one or two years off, but close enough.

  The perfect age … and a sin in my mind.

  She’s like a dream come true. A girl, so innocent, so willing to do whatever I want … They trained her well. Too well. It’s sickening, how they can turn a little girl into an obedient servant, there to do whatever her master pleases.

  All I have to do is snap my fingers and she’d be down on her knees.

  I could do whatever I want with her … which is exactly what I’m not going to do.

  This isn’t about me. It’s about her and making things right again.

  My sin is unforgivable, but I hope, in time, she will learn to trust me again … so that I may finally grant her the freedom I took away long ago.

  Entry 11

 
; I’ve been drinking to cope with the news of the tumor … and with having her in my house.

  It’s almost impossible to ignore her growing affection for me.

  I even kissed her.

  Goddammit, I kissed her, and I fucking loved every second of it.

  In my half-drunken state, I craved her more than I craved redemption, and it just isn’t right.

  I worry I might not be able to fight this any longer … I want to say no, to stop her, but I feel like she needs me and my love in order to heal. I can’t give it to her without succumbing to her, which is exactly the problem.

  If I love her like she needs me to, she’ll love me back.

  She can never love me.

  It isn’t right. Not after what I did to her.

  Yet I can already see her falling … bit by bit.

  Entry 12

  I failed. I couldn’t resist any longer when she threw herself at me again and again.

  I fucked her. And I fucking hate myself for it because I know she’ll find out who I am one day. And it’ll break her.

  She can’t love me, so I vowed that if I do love her, it will only be physical lust, not the heart kind. But I’m only lying when I tell her that because I know deep down I’m already falling for her … hard.

  She’s too irresistible. Too pure. Too sweet and undeniably mine.

  The fawn falling for the monster …

  What a cruel world this is.

  Entry 13

  Today, we bumped into my former partner, and she recognized him.

  And worst of all … when we came home, she told me what he had done.