Always Be Mine~

by Steitz, G. V.

  That was apparently the correct answer because I have had mind blowing oral sex performed on me every night ever since I uttered those words to her.

  She keeps up these mind blowing nights, shit she can keep the checkbook and all the God damn cards for all care. I laugh to myself. Like that would even matter. Em has me wrapped around her baby finger so tight; she could have anything without mind blowing sex. However, the sex is a nice bonus that I won’t complain about.

  The following year we married on Sweetest Day. After finding out Em was pregnant, making my parents as well as her father, delirious. And me, praying every night it wasn’t a girl because I would have to lock her in her room until she was at least forty. I could care what anyone thought about my one sided backwards thinking. No way was any man getting near any baby girl of mine.

  I suppose I just cursed myself, teaching me a valuable lesson. Nine months later Emma gave birth to an 8lb, 7oz healthy, baby girl, we named Elizabeth Beverly Daniels. After both our mothers names. Lizzy, for short.

  And the sleepless nights begin. I made a list of things necessary like a personal guard for Lizzy and two pad locks on her bedroom door. Em didn’t think I was neither serious, nor funny as she firmly pointed out several times.

  Well, she has another thing coming if she thinks these are negotiable rules. Not happening. I’ll just keep Lizzy’s security a secret until Em finds out herself. Just makes it easier to breathe for my peace of mind.

  Life was perfect. I was truly blessed, had my little family. My two healthy girls. All I do is pray every night to keep them both safe. I look down on to my beautiful baby daughter, snuggled in between her mother and my body. Of course, Emma can’t bear to let Lizzy sleep in the custom bed I had made personally for her. No, Emma assured me she needed to keep her close for her peace of mind. As for me, I can barely allow myself to fall asleep in the fear I might roll over Lizzy in the middle of the night.

  Ugh, these two girls are going to be the death of me. But what a way to go, huh. Haha. Yep, life is good.

  Epilogue

  Emma ~ 5 years later.

  “Mommy, Mommy, cooooome ooooon.” Lizzy sighed in deep exaggeration.

  “Which one of us, decided to teach her to talk?” Matthew asked me as we finished getting ready for our special dinner with both families.

  “Hmm… I think it was you.” I told him as he came up behind me, wrapping his hands around my enormous belly.

  “This one however,” I told him rubbing my hand over his that lay gently on my very pregnant belly, “is NOT going to talk ever I hope. Besides if he is anything like his father, he won’t be able to sit still and stay quiet.” I said with a smirk, looking into the full length mirror with both of us in it.

  “You are so beautiful Emma. You take my breath away.” Matthew said to me, nuzzling into my neck.

  All of a sudden, SLAM! “And here she is our fearless warrior!” Matthew said to our little girl Elizabeth. Poor Lizzy, she stood at the door after she came into our bedroom, slammed the door and stayed in one place, without waiver with her little chubby arms cross over her little body. I giggled.

  “Mommy, why are we still here?” Lizzy asked, not expecting to like the answer.

  “Mommy was just ready to leave until I came over and started tickling Mommy.” Matthew said, picking Lizzy up into his arms and began to tickle her.

  Lizzy laughed and squealed, trying to wiggle herself out of his arms. “Daddy, that isn’t very nice of you. It’s Mommy’s special birthday.” She said as she pressed her chubby little hand against her face to push her long chestnut curly hair off her little angelic face that was currently disgusted in a little warrior expression.

  I walk over to both of them smiling. “Oooh, here, want to feel your little brother kicking?” I asked Lizzy, taking her stretched out eager hand and laid it on my belly with Matthew’s.

  Lizzy’s eyes got as cupcakes. “Mommy.” She whispered.

  “Isn’t that neat Lizzy?” Matthew asked her, winking at me.

  Lizzy wrapped her tiny arms around Matthew’s neck and then she pulled her face back to look into his.

  I will never forget what she did next. Lizzy took her hands, and placed one on either side of her faces face. She pulled his face into hers’, touching their noses together and said “I can’t wait to be a big sister daddy!” She said very seriously, and stressed the word WAIT. I am positive at that moment, both Matthew’s and my heart both melted at her admission and innocence of saying such a wonderful thing.

  “Awe, Baby girl, you are going to be the very best big sister Nathan could ever ask for, you know that?” Matthew asked her while I smiled at them both, rubbing her little back. Lizzy nodded, very serious, “Yes Daddy, I do know that.” Making us both laugh at her honesty.

  After we had a wonderful dinner at my father’s little place, John was always included in our festivities, not because of him being someone we greatly depended on for my father’s health, but as a family member to all of us.

  Lizzy convinced her “Uncle John,” that he would look smashing in bubble gum pink nail polish and her princess crown. Poor John, he always went along with anything for our little Lizzy. I winked at them when I walked in the dining room.

  The lights went dark, and all of a sudden everyone came in singing happy birthday to me. Lizzy came over and crawled on my lap. No doubt to help blow the candles out. “Make a wish Mommy!” Lizzy squealed as she clapped her hands. I kissed Lizzy’s pink, glowing cheeks, and closed my eyes. “Please God; let me stay here long enough to see my babies grow up.” I opened my eyes, to see Matthew wink at me, making me smile. “Ok, I made my wish. Now, can you help me blow out the candles baby girl?” I asked her by her pet name her father gave her. After we blew out my five candles and one for good luck, we all ate the best cake John has ever made. Chocolate Fudge, with Dark Chocolate frosting, double thick. Yep, I made it five years cancer free. This was my five year anniversary, and I was so thrilled, still in remission. I just pray I stay this way for a very long time.

  Epilogue

  Matthew ~ 17 years after Emma’s 5th, birthday, cancer free.

  For last two years, it had been a battle from the get go, for Emma. She always amazed me at how strong she always was and would run circles around all of us.

  Lizzy was going to get back into college next fall. Since taking a break to be with her Mother, while Emma, battled her return bout of breast cancer. Nathan, I couldn’t be more proud of. He asked his mother to be his date to the junior prom. She cried of course, and accepted with pure happiness shining in her eyes. Emma told our son that she finally got to go to a prom since she had not been to hers back in school, making it extra special for Nathan.

  Prom was a month after we found out the cancer had returned with vengeance.

  I sit with her in the cemetery today. Even though it has been a week since we lay my beautiful Emma to rest, I am still in shock. I still keep waiting to see her walk through the door, still thinking this is a twisted, terrible nightmare. Or to get that call we never received from the Dr.’s, telling us she went back into remission, I thought to myself, as I wiped a tear from my cheek.

  I was so proud of my baby doll, Emma fought that evil cancer every step of the way. Not giving in, not even at the end, Emma fought. We were lucky that we had Emma home with us her last 6 months. The cancer had spread so badly, we all knew it was a matter of time. Luckily we had pain medication for her cope with everything her, barely there, body had gone through.

  The night before she passed, Emma and I were laid in our bed, one last time together. I didn’t know at the time, that night was going to be our last night together. Although, I think Emma knew deep inside. I nearly wanted to throw myself in front of a moving bus when she asked me her grant her last dying wish. It was nearly impossible to keep myself from balling hysterically. So, of course, being as it may, I never could say no to my sweet Emma… We did make love that night, t

  That one last time, in our bed,
that we shared together our entire 22 years of marriage.

  Emma had lost so much weight from all the chemotherapy, I was scared out of my mind I was going to crush her. I doubt that night, she weigh even 90 lbs. I dream back to that night, as I lay here with Emma now. I have a blanket lay out for a picnic, just me and my Emma. She asked me to have a picnic with her on her first week anniversary of her passing. After which she tried to make me swear to move on with my life and to enjoy myself. HA! Well, she was my ENTIRE life; I will never let her go. Like I told her from the first weeks we were together, I tried to appease her with a promise I knew I would never keep, and she told me she would haunt me if I didn’t. I pray she haunts me. It hurts to breathe now as it is. I am hopeful for that promise she made about haunting me, it’s all I have now.

  Don’t get me wrong, I am so relieved she no longer suffers as she did for so long, but her suffering ended, and mine doesn’t. I promised I wouldn’t stay grumpy or withdrawn from our children’s lives. Still doesn’t make my heart stop breaking every minute I am awake, and even in my dreams at night, that’s if I actually sleep.

  After we made love that last time, we talked until the sun came up on her last day with us.

  “Thank you for giving me such a beautiful life, Matthew. I have everything I always ever wanted and with you to share it with. Every wish I had, God granted me. I don’t have one, single regret.” She softly said looking into my watery eyes, with hers freely draining tears.

  John tapped on our bedroom door, having Emma’s meds ready for her and some tea. Since Emma’s father passed away 7 years prior, John was happy to see how badly he was needed with us. Luckily for us, he graciously accepted and Emma threw him a party to celebrate. I am grateful her father wasn’t still around to witness what his little girl had to endure, what she had. I think if her father were still alive, that would have killed her sooner.

  “Remember when Lizzy helped me blow out the candles for my 5th anniversary of being cancer free?” Emma weakly asked me.

  “I do, you looked angelic.” I told her softly as I ran my finger around her face, needing to be constantly touching her in some way. Not to assure her, but mostly to calm me.

  “God did grant my wish you know.” She whispered, after thanking John for her pain medication and tea, before he quietly left our room.

  “Really? May I ask what the wish was, since God has already fulfilled it?” I asked.

  “I asked God to let me see my children grow up, I didn’t want to leave you to do it all alone.” She told me as she smiled, looking up into my eyes.

  “Oh, Baby Doll, I love you forever and ever. You’ll always be mine. Never ever forget that Baby, Always be mine.” I said to her gently as I held her. After that, little did I know, I only had hours left with my Emma. The night before she said her goodbye’s to each one of our children. Privately, and one at a time, Emma spoke with both of them. She told them how deeply she loved them both. How much it would mean to her to watch over me, naturally. To be whatever they wanted to be as adults, to love themselves and be proud of their accomplishments and of who they were as people, as she already was of both of them. Emma told our children that no matter what anyone says, to be who they were destined to be, “To be true to yourself, was half battle.” She told each of them. She said, not to allow me to mope around too long, I think she gave them a time frame come to think of it, which gets me to chuckle just thinking back to that moment.

  She told Nathan to always respect women, and their needs as I had shown them how I always treated her throughout our marriage. To make sure if he ever decided to marry, to ask for the father’s blessing. No matter who, what sex, age, creed or race that person was. It always demonstrates respect. She told Nathan, how I did that, when I asked her for her fathers blessing to marry Emma. To follow his dreams, no matter where they take him, and to always stay close with family, never leaving them out of his life. After Nathan promised her everything, as the beautiful Son that he is, Emma gave him her Emerald ring I gave to her when Nathan was born. She said it was his to give to whomever he felt deserved it when the time came. It broke my heart to hear Nathan cry for his mother. It made me cry for both of them. I couldn’t help but listen outside the bedroom to their conversations. John of course, told Emma on me after Nathan left, trader.

  Emma smirked at me, giving a wink. “I know how nosey you are Matthew. Just pretend you didn’t hear my private conversations. It makes our children feel very special to know I took them both aside to speak with each of them privately. And no, I am not mad sweetheart, I completely understand, I would do the same damn thing if I am being perfectly honest.” She smiled, rolled her eyes making me chuckle.

  When Emma spoke with Lizzy, Emma reassured our beautiful daughter of mostly the same things she has said to Nathan, except the female version, I suppose.

  She told Lizzy how to move forward after she grieved, and to not give in to her father’s despair in having her baby-sit him day in and day out. I smirked when I heard that. I knew it was intended for me to hear, I laughed. She told her to never except anyone’s abuse whether it was physical, emotional, or mental, there was never an excuse for it ever, not even once. Of course, she did however stress that if her father ever had wind of someone hurting her, he and Nathan would be sure to pound him, with a steel bat. “That’s my girl.” I softly said into the door that was closed off from me entering.

  Emma then gave her family heirloom diamond broach, as well as her engagement ring from me. “My mother was given this from her mother, and I was given it from mine. And now my angel, I give it to you, my daughter.” Emma told her softly, as I heard Lizzy, crying into her mother’s arms. Emma told Lizzy how much she loved to wear the ring I gave her, and had not once taken it off of her hand, except at this moment to give it to her.

  “Why did we have to lose you, baby doll? Why couldn’t God take me? I’m older. I should have been the first one to die. Not you.” I cried as I yelled at her headstone.

  Her last morning was something I will never forget. She told me months before that if she started talking about seeing her family in our room or was talking out loud to them, it really wasn’t going to be much longer. When I heard her gasp at what she said she was seeing. With both her parents in a huge field of flowers, I knew she was almost home with them. She tried stay strong for me, and the kids. She tried fighting it up to that moment, I held her hand, bringing it to my lips, and I brushed my lips across her knuckles and rose from the chair next to her, to kiss my beautiful Emma. “I love forever; you’ll always be mine baby.” I whispered into her ear.

  “I love you forever, and I’ll always be with you Matthew.” She winced and groaned again. I watched as a tear rolled down her cheek. I knew she was in so much pain, I couldn’t take it any longer. She was waiting for me to tell her it was ok. I leaned down, kissing her last tear away. I gently brushed my lips across her forehead. I kissed her little nose, and both her cheeks. “Its ok baby, I’ve got you. You can go home if you need to baby, I will see you soon. Before you know it, I will be with again.” I said, holding in my tears that desperately wanted to fall. And with her dying breath, she whispered she loved me, and I leaned over and kissed her soft lips one last time with Emma breathing. “Thank you my brave girl. Thank you for a wonderful life together.” I told her. She took a sharp intake of air a few times. And her last breath, she whispered, “You’ll “Always Be Mine,” my love.” Her eyes glazed over at that moment.

  “Matthew, can see how beautiful is here? My parents are here. I don’t hurt anymore, Matthew.” She barely said out loud. Emma squeezed my fingers, and let out one last breath. Her hand fell limp in my hand as I held onto hers, and I had the privilege of being with the love of my life, watching her leave me. I stopped breathing. I don’t know how much time passed when I finally loudly gasped for air, and I screamed as loud as I could. I knew the kids weren’t home; Emma didn’t want their last memory of her to be their Mother’s last breath. My parents were now living w
ith us indefinitely. They were with the kids, thankfully.

  I sucked in another gasp of air after I couldn’t scream anymore, and howled the air back out again.

  I kept her fragile hand in mine. I cried like I never had before in my life. I lay over my Emma’s body, and wailed like never before.

  I don’t remember much of her wake or funeral. All I remember is watching Emma.

  Emma taught me so much throughout our life together. Our passion for each other never dulled, I have been in love with Emma ever since the first day I met her. Do I believe in love at first site? Absolutely. Not everyone is as lucky as we were to find each other.

  I took out our favorite bottle of merlot, and two glasses and cork screw. I know John packed this for our picnic. Emma made him promise I would go. Taped to the bottle was an envelope, Emma wrote me a letter. ~Matthew, forever true love was written on the envelope.

  I hold the envelope in my hand, that can’t stop trembling.

  I turn it over and it says OPEN ME ALREADY! Making me laugh as tears fell from my burning eyes.

  I held the letter close to my chest as if were sacred. With shaky hands, I opened the envelope carefully.

  DATE: April 21st, 2012

  My loving, husband, Matthew;