Return to Roseglen

by Helene Young

  The bruise on Georgina’s forehead took weeks to fade, as did the reproach in Charlie’s eyes, as if it were somehow Ivy’s fault. As if she would deliberately hurt her daughter. She loved her intensely, but she didn’t understand her and had no hope of controlling her.

  Three weeks later the first of many nannies was installed and Charlie decided that there would be no more children. Their pigeon pair would be enough, he’d told her, stroking her hair, as if sleeping in separate beds was the most reasonable thing in the world. After everything she’d been through to give him his family, it had felt like a betrayal.

  Ivy sighed, straightened Charlie’s pen along the side of the blotter and looked around the office. Her husband’s books still filled the shelves, his glasses case rested beside his binoculars. She should be worrying about the present, not dredging up unwanted memories.

  After what the bank told her, she had no choice but to tell her girls that Roseglen was tied to Arran Downs now. She’d let the lawyers explain. Perhaps Mitch might come through with something in time.

  Or the rains will come.

  Or Felicity will find a way to restock the property.

  Surely she was allowed to believe in miracles?

  Dithering was not Georgina’s style, but she’d tried three times to phone Dan and failed. Flying was easy. Just follow the standard operating procedures and a great hunk of metal and fibreglass lumbered through the air from departure to destination. If only bloody emotions came with an operating manual.

  Tucked away in the back of her mind was a sealed compartment labelled ‘Dangerous Goods’. It had walls the stonemasons of Egypt would have been proud of – smooth from a distance, prickly up close and no chinks to let in the light.

  But the conversation with Ivy had made her hanker for something she’d locked up half a lifetime ago. Despite what her family thought, she and Dan were still married. It’d seemed like a waste of time and money to dissolve everything when it made no difference to their lives. They’d been good friends before they’d been lovers.

  She crossed her arms against the surge of regret. Maybe they should have ignored the superheated looks and stolen touches when they first met. But the heady power of Dan’s undivided attention was more addictive even than the rush of flying. It was like being caught in the warm beam of a heat lamp that made her body languid and her heart content. There was no need to be anything or anyone more than ‘his Gina’.

  He’d chipped away at those walls, picking at the mortar and peering in through the gaps, shining his love on the dark places. That beam melted away her reserves. She loved that he never took himself seriously, and poked gentle fun at the worst of her obsessions, leaving no doubt that he understood her need to control her life.

  She loved his passion for crazy sports, from skydiving to windsurfing. Loved that he could sing along to Freddy Mercury and Queen for hours on end and never miss a beat. And she loved most the quiet mornings when, with his breath warming her neck, his hand cupping her breast, they slumbered on a rare day off together.

  But when Georgina’s biological clock rang loud and clear, Dan refused to discuss options. His decision to not have kids had been made long before Georgina had entered his life. If she’d decided to change her mind now, then the problem belonged to her. Get a dog, he’d said.

  It would have been simpler, kinder if she’d just walked away then. But she didn’t. She’d tried to understand exactly why a man who was so good with children, such an attentive uncle, didn’t want to be a father himself.

  For the first time in her marriage she’d realised that she didn’t really know Dan. If she tried to say what made him furious or passionate, she wouldn’t have a clue. His refusal to talk about it was a rejection. He could still turn her blood to liquid fire with one look, but what did he really want from her? If he loved her, why couldn’t he talk to her? Why couldn’t he see that they would raise good children?

  It made her furious.

  It made her sad.

  It made her ripe for the picking.

  She hunched her shoulders against the tsunami of embarrassment. She’d been such a fool. Tony was one of the other ambitious young men in the airline, constantly butting heads with Dan, on a mission to score points and climb the corporate ladder. His earnest reassurances that she’d make a great mum had struck a deep chord when she was most vulnerable, most susceptible to false flattery. Degrading as it was, she’d been a scalp, nothing more. Even more mortifying, she’d fallen for his assertions that his own marriage was over. As he and his wife were still together, all these years on, clearly that had been another lie. Georgina had broken her sacred rule and slept with a married man.

  ‘Bloody hell,’ she muttered, tapping the phone against her palm. She should have just bought the damn dog as Dan had wanted and ignored the urgent pull of motherhood.

  Would Dan have forgiven her if she’d told him about the affair? She never gave him the option. She’d simply left and never looked back. Better to remember the good times rather than her betrayal. Dan was a good man who knew what he wanted from his life. Whether she liked it or not, he still held a piece of her heart.

  It seemed she wasn’t the only one who couldn’t put down roots. He usually rang when he’d ended another relationship, as if he needed to let her know they were back in the same boat of singledom. If she was passing through Sydney, they caught up for a coffee or a wine. A girl was allowed to be contrary, especially now she was the wrong side of sixty. Georgina stalked to the window and dialled his number again.

  ‘Hi, this is Dan.’

  Nothing had changed, down to the way her toes curled at the sound of his voice.

  ‘Dan, it’s Georgina. It’s been a while. How are you?’

  ‘Gina! You sound like you’re next door.’ His voice was welcoming.

  ‘Actually I could be next door, depending on where you are.’

  ‘You’re in Australia?’

  Was she imagining it or was there excitement there too? ‘In Brisbane. Landed this morning.’

  ‘Is Ivy okay?’

  ‘Not sure. I’m driving up with Felicity this week. Just some family stuff. The old battle-axe is still as stubborn as ever.’

  ‘They bred them tough in the 1920s.’

  ‘How’s your dad?’

  A slight pause before he answered. ‘Not good. After Mum went, he declined fast. Turned out she’d been doing a great job of keeping his dementia secret from us all. Breaks my heart to visit him in the nursing home.’ The crack in his voice bit deep.

  Georgina remembered Dan’s father, Keith, as a strapping man with a handlebar moustache and a twinkle in his eye. With his war medals pinned to his chest, he’d waltzed her across the reception room the night she and Dan married. He had endless stories of barnstorming before he became a pilot with the Queensland And Northern Territory Airways, long before the famous white kangaroo graced the red tails of their aircraft.

  ‘I’m so sorry. Keith was larger than life.’

  ‘Yeah. Not easy to digest that he might be a mere mortal.’

  ‘He’ll never be a mere mortal. Where is he?’

  ‘A place in Sydney. Couldn’t ask for better care, but it’s almost wasted on him.’

  ‘Does he know you still?’

  ‘Some days, but that’s becoming less frequent. I turned up last week and he was playing the piano and leading a singalong of “Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr Hitler” for the other residents. All he could manage for me was a polite smile for a stranger.’ Georgina had never heard Dan talk like this. He was a man of action, not words.

  ‘It must be tough. Are you still in Sydney? Or have you started your big grey nomad trip?’

  ‘I’m actually in Mount Isa. Not the place I planned to spend much time, but it was easy to leave the van here and fly back for the old man’s birthday.’

  ‘You should drop in at Roseglen.’ She regretted it the minute she’d said it. The silence at the end of the line unnerved her and she hurr
ied on. ‘But of course you’ll have your itinerary planned.’

  ‘You know, I might just do that. It would be nice to see Ivy. Is she just as feisty?’

  ‘Tempered steel doesn’t weaken with age, my friend.’

  He laughed. The sound sent tendrils of regret curling around her heart like wisps of steam rising off a lake on a cold morning. The first time she’d heard that laugh she’d been standing in the Regional Sky briefing room in her brand-new pilot’s uniform feeling like she’d walked into a yard full of oversexed stallions.

  ‘No,’ he said, interrupting the memory. ‘I admire her courage and conviction. She never backs down. Would have made a hell of a military commander.’

  ‘Troops would have been lost to egocentric decisions,’ Georgina said. ‘She’s never wrong.’

  ‘You’re too hard on her. You’re just —’

  ‘Don’t you dare tell me again that I’m just like Ivy,’ she huffed.

  ‘Okay, I won’t. Just this once.’ The smile was still in his voice and Georgina gave in to a delicious shiver.

  ‘Were you ringing for something in particular?’ he asked. ‘Now I’m retired, maybe we should sort out that investment house in Sydney.’

  ‘Sure, if that’s what you want.’

  ‘There’s no rush, Gina. Whatever you want.’ The shortened version of her name was too soft, too feminine for the ambitious woman she was. He used to just smile and press a kiss to her temple if she complained. ‘You’ll never be Georgie to me,’ he would say.

  ‘I’m thinking of retiring myself.’

  ‘Really? I didn’t think that day would come.’

  ‘Neither did I, but there you have it.’ Now she’d decided, she felt lighter, like she was walking on cushioned shoes. ‘Time to do something else for a while.’

  ‘Good for you. It’s the best decision I ever made. Hey listen, I need to go. I’ll call you when I’m close to Roseglen. It will be good to catch up.’

  ‘Okay. Talk soon.’ And he was gone.

  He made her feel girlish in a way no else ever had. They would have made beautiful babies. Instead, she was childless at sixty-one, with a great monolith of regret lodged in her heart. The best she could be was an aunt and sadly that really only meant Ella and Sean. Ken’s girls were all grown up and didn’t need her in their lives.

  Was that why she was suddenly talking retirement and returning to Australia? Despite having a raft of friends scattered all over the world, the family she cared about could be counted on one hand. It made them all the more precious.

  The door to the house opened and Felicity walked in, carrying shopping bags that clinked. ‘Hey, you’re still up.’ Felicity’s eyes were suspiciously red.

  ‘Of course I am.’ Georgina tried and failed to temper her voice. ‘Your hair looks good.’ The compliment came out more like a put down. Felicity’s cheeks reddened.

  ‘Thanks, it was long overdue.’ Her voice was mild, but Georgina wasn’t fooled. Her sister continued. ‘I brought some dinner for later and a bottle of wine.’

  ‘Great. Ivy phoned. I said I’d come up with you next week.’

  ‘You’re staying?’

  ‘Yeah. As long as I need to.’ She couldn’t afford to lose Felicity because their dumb-arsed brother had screwed things up. This wasn’t their fault and they shouldn’t be fighting over it.

  ‘Right.’ Felicity’s gaze skittered away. Something else was wrong.

  ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘Just when you think nothing else can go wrong,’ Felicity turned, her arms folded, hands gripping her elbows, ‘Regional Sky’s closing their Cairns base, reducing numbers. Ella’s lost her job.’

  ‘Oh no.’ Georgina grimaced. ‘That’s a shitty thing to happen, but hey, it’s aviation. She’ll find something else. And they’ll re-employ her when they need more crew again.’

  Felicity slumped against the kitchen benchtop. ‘She’s devastated. Only just renewed her lease on the apartment, has a car loan, and a credit card that’s probably way too full.’

  ‘She can come hide out with Ivy as well. Might be fun.’

  Felicity looked at her like she was a madwoman. ‘Fun? I don’t know what she’s going to do, with this place on the market already.’

  ‘So then Roseglen makes perfect sense until she’s found something else.’

  ‘Maybe. I’ll see what Ivy says first.’ Felicity brightened a little.

  The silence stretched out and Georgina knew she had to break it.

  ‘Look, Lissie, I’m sorry if it felt like I was giving orders earlier. It’s what I do. I don’t want to argue with you, I just want to help fix things.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Felicity sorted through the bags. ‘I’m a bit sensitive. Put it down to menopause.’

  Georgina chuckled dryly. ‘It’ll pass. Enjoy the rage. It can be useful at times.’

  ‘Exhausting more like it.’

  ‘Yeah, that too. You remember when Ivy used to chase me around the kitchen with a wooden spoon? I thought she was a crazy lady. Now I realise it was menopause. You being a change-of-life baby must have played havoc with her hormones.’

  Felicity nodded. ‘I can’t imagine dealing with a small child and a teenager feeling like this. Sometimes I completely lose my train of thought. I’m always advising older patients to write lists. Just didn’t think it would happen to me as well.’

  ‘I’ll miss that.’

  ‘Miss lists?’

  ‘Miss work. It’s time to retire. My joints aren’t getting any younger. Simulator checks get harder and harder. I don’t want to hang on until the first officers are scared to fly with me.’

  ‘So what will you do?’ Felicity looked stunned. ‘Where will you live?’

  ‘Not sure. I spoke to Dan before.’

  ‘How is he? Still as charming as ever?’

  ‘He’s retired and finally started his trip around Australia. Said he might drop in at Roseglen.’

  ‘Ivy would love that.’

  ‘Ivy could never believe that I walked out. She always thought Dan left me.’

  The silence lay between them.

  Felicity waggled the wine bottle. ‘So wine or another coffee?’

  ‘Make it a coffee. I’ll have a wine later.’

  She watched as Felicity worked her magic then pushed the cup across to her, a golden crema on the surface. Georgie could see the question forming before Felicity asked it and there was no way of heading it off.

  ‘So why did you leave Dan? Did he cheat on you?’

  ‘No, no. Nothing like that.’ Georgie burnt her mouth taking a big sip. ‘A difference of opinion.’ Now was not the time to admit she’d had an affair with a married man. She and Felicity were only just back on an even keel. Her sister might never forgive that transgression.

  ‘That’s a pretty big difference of opinion.’ Felicity settled on the stool opposite her, mug cupped in her hands. ‘It sounds silly, but part of my decision to marry Todd was based on what you two had. I wanted someone to look at me the way Dan looked at you. When you left him, I felt like my dream had come crashing down too. Like true love wasn’t possible, except for maybe Mum and Dad’s generation. And I missed Dan. He had a way of listening that made me feel as though I wasn’t the dummy in the family.’

  Georgina winced. Too many times Dan had rebuked her for putting her little sister down. ‘She’s smarter than you think,’ he used to say.

  ‘Juvenile, isn’t it? A measure of how immature I was when I got married.’ Felicity looked guilty as she shifted in her seat. ‘And I’m sorry I wasn’t more sympathetic to you at the time. Clearly I have a whole new understanding now. It must have been tough.’

  Georgina waved a hand. ‘It’s history. Just part of growing up and growing old. You can’t know how disorienting a divorce is unless you’ve been through it. You were still in the first flush of love. I couldn’t believe how alone I felt, even though I was the one who made the decision to end it. I grieved for the little things I’d lost.’r />
  ‘Grief doesn’t get any easier with age. I’ve seen too much of that in my job.’

  ‘You were made to be a nurse. Or a vet maybe.’

  Felicity’s smile was sad. ‘Or a grazier.’

  ‘You wanted to stay?’

  ‘If I had my time over again, I would never have left Roseglen.’

  ‘Jesus!’ Georgina fumbled for words. ‘Did you ever tell Ivy or Dad?’

  ‘What was the point? Dad still believed in patriarchal succession. Ken was to inherit. You were off to the sky. I needed a job like nursing or teaching to help me find a man.’

  ‘Seriously?’ Georgie was shocked. Felicity had kept that a secret. ‘I thought nursing was your vocational calling.’

  ‘Oh, I love nursing,’ Felicity reassured her. ‘But they chose the career for me.’ She paused. ‘Maybe this crappy divorce, the kids being independent, is a sign it’s time for a change. Move back to the property and see where the river flows.’

  ‘It’s tough on the land. If the finances are bad, maybe you had a lucky escape.’

  ‘Maybe it’s time to find out if Ken’s taking us all for a ride.’ Felicity smiled. ‘And besides, I wouldn’t have two beautiful children if the sliding doors had slid another way when I was seventeen. Better to go with the flow.’

  Georgina sipped her coffee, too afraid she’d say the wrong thing. In her opinion, sliding doors and going with the flow were a whole lot of bollocks. You didn’t wait around to be carried along as though you were boating on a lake in a painting by Monet. You built a raft, steered your course and hoped like hell you missed the rocks and whirlpools. And if you hit one, and were tossed off your raft, then you scrambled back on, set a new course and learned from the last disaster. Bear Grylls had a much better take on life than some dreamy hippie relying on good karma.

  Felicity slid her cup away from her and changed the topic. ‘Did you ever wonder why Ivy didn’t have children earlier?’

  ‘She used to say that God hadn’t blessed them,’ Georgie recalled. ‘I figured the war had caused all sorts of stress for both of them. And I always wondered if Dad had issues. You know . . .’