by Ava Reilly
Leah and her new beau took a seat in the lounge room while Hugh walked into his office. There was something in the air that drew me towards him and I followed him blindly. As I entered the room I knew he had sensed me following and turned straight around, stopping dead in his tracks to stare at me. I stood, frozen, for about thirty seconds before my eyes began to well with tears. He took a step closer and I took a step back before hurriedly wiping the tears from my eyes. Not a word was exchanged as we stood facing each other blankly. In one swift movement he was in front of me with his arms clasped gently around me, and the tears poured out of me, with violent trembles erupting from my shoulders. My legs went to mush and if he hadn’t been holding me I would have sunk to the floor.
‘I am so sorry,’ he whispered in my ear as he tightened his grip around me. ‘I just couldn’t bear the thought of you with anyone else and I got jealous. I really didn’t want to hurt you.’
My tears started to ease along with my erratic breathing. ‘I can’t keep doing this,’ I managed to say. ‘I need to know what I’m doing with you or we stop this, now.’ It was all I could muster as I took a step back from him, wiping my eyes and trying to compose myself.
He ran his hand through his hair and sighed. The words he had once said to me echoed around us: he didn’t date younger women because they always became clingy and it wasn’t worth the headache. I knew it was time I started being honest with myself and with him, so I prepared myself for whatever it was he was going to say.
‘I don’t know what this is yet,’ he said. ‘I can’t figure it or you out and it’s driving me up the wall. I don’t want you to be with anyone else but I just don’t know what I feel. I know it’s not fair, but I want you all to myself. I need to see you more, I need to be around you and I need to figure this out with you,’ he said as he walked towards me again.
I took another step back as he came closer, and his face showed his concern—clearly he knew I was ready to run.
I looked straight through him while I tried to gather my thoughts.
‘Why do women have to complicate things?’ He responded in my absence of words.
My eyes darted towards him. ‘You have no right to speak to me like that, I’m not one of the hordes of women throwing themselves at you. If you want me to wait for you to figure yourself out, then you better give me a bloody good reason!’ I spat.
He looked at me with sorrow in his eyes and said, ‘Ava, there is a lot to consider here and I am more concerned for you than for myself. I haven’t ever been this consumed by someone before and I don’t want to label it. The last time I put a name to what I was feeling it didn’t turn out so well. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to lose you.’
‘Hugh, you can’t have your cake and eat it too!’
‘Ava, I really like you, I want to spend time with you and I want to do it exclusively—isn’t that enough for now?’ he said, pleading for it to be enough.
I put my head in my hands and took a deep breath in before I heard him speak again. ‘I’m falling for you, Ava, and I’m scared I’m going to hurt you.’
I opened my eyes and walked towards him, unsure even then of how I was going to respond. I was conflicted with so many different feelings but somehow I managed to push anything negative out of my mind and for once in my life try to focus on something positive in a very messy situation. I felt the truth as it poured from his soul; he was in turmoil.
‘Hugh, I can live with that for now, but I’m not going to be at your beck and call. I have a life and you can’t try to control me or I will walk away.’
He placed his arms around me and exhaled before whispering, ‘I promise I won’t.’
A few minutes later we returned to join Leah and Toby before heading to dinner. I tried to put some distance between Hugh and me, but I found it almost impossible with the magnetic pull beckoning me to his side as we walked towards the restaurant. Since our first meeting I hadn’t really thought through the repercussions of being seen with him in public—I had always made sure I had someone else with me so that it didn’t draw the wrong kind of attention, but this time my head was going into overdrive. I was nervous at the thought of being seen together let alone photographed, so knowing that we had other people with us made it a little easier to explain away in my head.
When we finally reached the restaurant Hugh could sense that I was feeling uncomfortable and during the entire meal he held my hand under the table; he refused to let go no matter what protests I tried to throw at him.
After we ate, a small argument erupted between Hugh and Toby over who was going to pay. I knew not to argue with Hugh about money and I didn’t have the energy to fight, so I kept quiet as they argued it out. Of course, Hugh won.
After dinner another argument began over who would take us to the airport for our flight home. I knew I would see Hugh soon, so I stepped in and said goodbye to him. On the drive to the airport with Toby that evening I kept silent and put my shades on while tears ran down my cheeks. As we drove away from Hugh’s building I could feel the distance growing quickly in my heart. Leah turned to look at me and knew what I was feeling without me having to speak.
‘He loves you, Ava,’ said Toby as we neared the departures drop-off. ‘It was so obvious in the way he looked at you the entire night, the way he spoke to you. I haven’t seen someone look at another person that way before. It was like he couldn’t stop himself, he had to look at you and be near you.’
I struggled to fight back the tears that were building up again; I was no clearer on what I was going to do and it was eating me up inside.
‘Don’t,’ Leah said, looking pointedly at him.
‘But you love him as well, I can see it’s killing you,’ was the last thing he said to me before I climbed out of the car.
When we boarded the plane I plugged my earphones into the television and tuned out the other passengers. I felt bare.
Neither Leah nor I would be the same after that trip, and we both returned home with tears pouring from the inside out, from the very depths of our souls, but for very different reasons.
#SeventhConfession
#COAMMPlaylist:
‘U Got it Bad’
Usher
The next few months after I returned home from my trip interstate I had a hard time coming to terms with everything. So much had happened between Hugh and me in such a short period of time and I was no clearer on where I stood with him, but I knew I couldn’t let him go. I was feeling a little lost, and I couldn’t quite put a finger on what was going on inside me. Since we had met we had spent so much time together on both a professional and personal level that it was becoming even more difficult to keep track of my emotions. One night Hugh called me to ask me what I was doing for Christmas and New Year’s Eve. I told him that I would be spending it with family, and he sounded really down as we talked. I had only known him for ten months and I think he sensed that I wasn’t ready to introduce him to my family, so he asked if I would take a few days out to see him over Christmas if he flew into town. I wasn’t sure I wanted to see him, let alone spend time with him over such an important holiday, but I also knew that I really needed to see where this was going, so I agreed.
As Christmas approached I became more and more nervous and emotional. I knew that it wouldn’t be long until things would become intimate between us, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready. A week before Christmas I began to get excited—until that fateful day when Hugh called and told me he wouldn’t be able to make it because he had to go overseas with his children. I was both disappointed and relieved.
I knew I needed some distance between us, and as Christmas and New Year’s Eve passed I began to find myself in a place of comfort over the situation with Hugh. I realised that I needed to give myself a break; I wasn’t the one who had made marriage vows and even though I knew I was playing with fire, I came to accept that I couldn’t help whom I had begun to fall for. This rollercoaster of emotions was wearing me down to the poin
t where I knew I was going to end up at a fork in the road: one path would lead to self-destruction, and the other to the point of no return by Hugh’s side. Either way, I had to make my choice and stick with it, consequences and all.
As January rolled on I became busier as each day passed and I found it hard to find the time to stop and enjoy life, let alone spend time with Hugh. It wasn’t until February that we finally had a chance to catch up, and this time everything was different. We had grown individually in the short time apart and being together seemed to be the choice we had both made.
Exactly a year after we met, on 12 February, we agreed to meet up at his beachside apartment again. As the day finally arrived my stomach began to tie itself in knots, and I was tempted to back out. It wasn’t the fact that I was going to be around him that had me on edge, it was the fact that I was going to be around him alone, and we both knew what that would mean. I still hadn’t told Hugh about my past or that I was a virgin, and I really wasn’t in a hurry to, either, but I could feel myself trying to come to terms with what was destined to happen between us, not only on a physical level but also an emotional level.
I arrived at his apartment at 7.30 that night but I couldn’t bring myself to announce my arrival straightaway; instead of calling him I decided to take a walk along the beach to clear my head and get a grip. My hands were shaking as I realised how close he was; I knew what was going to happen that night and I had prepared myself physically for it, but mentally I was scrambling to comprehend how the hell I was going to handle it. Hugh had never tried to push me into anything that I didn’t want to do, he was kind, attentive and gentle with me in every single aspect, and I knew I would end up sleeping with him that night. As I sat on the sand and watched the water caress the shoreline in the black night sky I tried to understand why this was such a big deal to me. He had done everything right, everything to earn my trust, and yet it still didn’t seem like enough to make me feel confident giving him the last part of innocence I had left in my control. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths in to try to soothe the angst growing inside me, which started to help—until I felt my phone vibrate against my leg and I almost jumped out of my skin. I pulled it out and fumbled with it, dropping it in the sand. When I was finally able to pick it up I saw Hugh’s name on the caller ID.
‘Hello?’ I answered, trying desperately to rein in my fear.
‘Hey, babe. Where are you?’ he responded with a smile in his voice that melted away a little of my anxiety.
‘I’m almost there, just taking a walk along the beach,’ I said, hoping that he wouldn’t ask why; I didn’t have an answer for myself let alone for him.
‘Well, get your arse up here quickly. I want to see you!’ I could hear that he was excited, and I hoped he wouldn’t expect me to jump into bed with him straightaway, because I needed to work myself up to it.
‘Okay, I won’t be too much longer.’ I knew I had no more time to sit here stuffing around—he knew where I was and if I didn’t hurry up he would come down to the beach to find me.
‘Okay. See you soon.’ The soothing confidence in his voice melted me to the core. It was then that I realised I was doing the right thing.
I lit a cigarette as I hung up, turned around and looked up at the building behind me. I could see his apartment on the top floor and knew at that moment he was up there waiting for me. The light was on and I could see the very spot we had first become intimate; it sent shivers down my spine as I closed my eyes and relived the delicious memory—it was so vivid, just the thought of his lips on my neck was enough to send me over the edge again. As I opened my eyes slowly I found myself looking at the same spot, thinking . . . am I ready for this?
I opened the glass doors and walked in with my Louis Vuitton handbag hanging on my arm and my overnight suitcase following closely behind me. I could feel sweat creep into my palms and my body tremble as I stepped into the waiting elevator. In mere seconds the doors flew open and I walked across the short hallway before knocking gently on Hugh’s door.
Immediately the door flung open and an immaculately dressed Hugh threw his arm around my waist and pulled me close to him, kissing me passionately. As his hand ran up and down my back, I felt my heart race and the knot in my stomach quickly melted into a burning desire for him. He smelled incredible and the firm grip he had on me took my breath away. I pulled away, gasping for air moments later and he allowed me to pass before shutting the door quietly behind him. I didn’t wait for an invitation, I walked into the master bedroom to put my things away. I could feel him behind me as I placed my bags on the bed, and before I had the chance to let go of the handle he came up behind me and twirled me around to kiss me again. I put my arms around his neck and ran my fingers through his hair, the spark returning instantly along with feelings of uncertainty but I fought the urge to pull away.
I giggled when he finally let me go—I didn’t know what I was laughing at but it calmed me a little.
‘I’ll give you a few minutes if you want to have a shower and get ready, but be quick, we have dinner reservations,’ he said firmly. The command in his voice was laced with kindness, but I felt my free will bending to please him.
As he left I pulled out a pair of jeans, a black crystal-encrusted halter top and a cream jacket, along with a pair of killer heels. I didn’t know where we were going but I wanted to look my best.
Twenty minutes later I was made up and ready to go. The moment I turned to take in the full picture of my outfit in the mirror, I found my self-confidence. I took hints from style icons like Kim Kardashian and knew how to accentuate the curves of my voluptuous figure by choosing the most flattering styles to suit my body, and in doing so I knew I was going to feel comfortable no matter what or whom I faced—this time I was prepared to stake my claim against anyone who wanted to challenge it.
I walked out of the room with my head held high, and as I turned the corner Hugh sensed my presence and turned around from behind the sofa to greet me. I stopped abruptly as his jaw fell open.
‘Is it too much?’ I asked, feeling my earlier confidence waver.
‘You look . . . beautiful,’ he stammered.
‘Thank you. Are you ready to go?’ I responded, desperately wanting to leave the apartment. I was pleasantly surprised by his compliment—I hadn’t been expecting it and was used to shying away from male praise—but somehow it made me feel a little calmer. Not calm enough, however, to want to stay in the apartment alone with him any longer. I knew that I needed a clear head to prepare for my night ahead with Hugh and being alone with him right then was making it too hard to focus.
‘I’m not sure I want to go out now,’ he teased, his tone undercut with pure desire.
‘Well, we can’t back out now,’ I said, knowing I was driving him crazy . . . and loving every minute of it.
As we walked to dinner I felt a warmth building inside me. The restaurant was very classy and was named after one of the most prestigious districts in the heart of New York City. The clean black-and-white lines drew me in, and I knew right then and there that this was going to be an incredibly special night. We were out in public, and my subconscious kept reminding me that Hugh wasn’t hiding me away, which made me hope that he was separated from his wife as he had told me—surely if they were still together he would be careful and wouldn’t walk down the street or into the restaurant holding my hand. The only possible dampener for the night would be if we ran into any of his earlier conquests. I had no idea how extensive the list was but it was becoming a touchy point for me.
I had fought with myself for so long, trying to clear my conscience and get to the bottom of my feelings for Hugh, but with everything I was feeling and the fact that I was finally moving into a point where I was semi-comfortable with a man for the first time in a long time, I was afraid of what his response would be, and what the consequences would be for me.
Before I even had the chance to ask Hugh where he would like to sit the manager came over to us. My gaze
dropped to the ground; I hoped we could have a little privacy, because I really needed to keep my head in the game to prepare myself for the night ahead, and being around other people seemed to make me lose focus. I had to remind myself that this was what I had to expect if I decided to enter into something intimate with a man who was extremely well known and respected; the invasion of privacy came as part of the package. It also made me realise that no matter how big my clients were, I never wanted to be recognisable; I could never be famous. I valued my anonymity too much.
I had made a judgement call before I arrived that I wasn’t going to drink too much. I had a meeting with a client the next morning, and I wanted to stay in control—what I was discovering, though, was that this was almost impossible when I was around Hugh. Being with him in such a public forum made my confidence falter. As we sat down the manager took our order and we were finally left alone. I looked out at the vast space around us and it finally hit me how public our presence was. There were patrons everywhere looking in our direction; I instantly felt self-conscious and yet I didn’t feel I could voice any of my concerns to Hugh. Even though the age difference between us meant nothing to me, I was afraid that it did mean something to him, based on what he had said months earlier about why he didn’t date younger women. I didn’t want him to see me as immature, or as another Pain that he had to deal with, so I decided it was best to keep my thoughts to myself.
Soon our meals were served, and I sat silently as the restaurant manager joined us and began conversing with Hugh. I had met him once before and he seemed as lovely as usual, but I was uncomfortable. It didn’t look like Hugh even realised. As our plates were taken away by the attentive staff, the first round of drinks arrived. I stuck with a vodka and orange, because I knew it was the one drink that wouldn’t get me totally smashed if I drank a few of them.
I didn’t want to be anti-social but I really needed to be alone for a few minutes. I ventured to the bathrooms and found myself staring at the reflection in the mirror; I barely recognised her. The woman in the mirror looked amazing and confident, but I felt insecure, upset and completely irrational. I knew what it was that was eating at me: I was petrified at the thought of finally having sex with Hugh at the end of the night. I felt as if I owed it to him after all the time he had invested in me, but I still wasn’t really ready. I was holding tightly on to the only scrap of innocence I had left—it wasn’t as though I didn’t want to trust Hugh with my virginity, I couldn’t bring myself to believe that he wouldn’t end up hurting me in the long run.