The Emotional Wound Thesaurus: A Writer's Guide to Psychological Trauma

by Becca Puglisi

  Working long hours so one has less time for thinking

  Avoiding places and activities where children are found

  Driving past the child’s home or school

  Watching one’s child through social media

  Calling one’s ex-partner and hanging up

  Writing emails or messages but not sending them

  Going to kid-friendly venues to feel connected (watching movies that one’s child might watch, visiting hangout spots, etc.)

  Adopting hobbies that would be age-appropriate for one’s child (geocaching, coloring, collecting baseball cards, etc.)

  Being hyperaware of children who share similarities with one’s child

  Pulling out old photos or mementos (if one has them)

  Buying gifts for one’s child but not sending them

  Tracking a child’s accomplishments from afar

  Mentally rehearsing a conversation that explains why one was absent

  Wondering what one’s child is doing and imagining their routine

  Fantasizing about the relationship one could have with the child if one could be forgiven

  Planning trips and excursions one might take with one’s child

  Volunteering one’s time, especially to youth causes

  Mentoring young people in one’s sphere of influence as a way of making amends

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Affectionate, empathetic, generous, idealistic, pensive, persistent, protective, sentimental, tolerant

  Flaws: Addictive, controlling, cowardly, defensive, evasive, hypocritical, impulsive, indecisive, jealous, nagging, needy, nosy, obsessive, perfectionist, uncommunicative, withdrawn, worrywart

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  The announcement of a close friend or family member’s pregnancy

  Seeing bonding examples (a mother and son fishing together, a father and daughter eating ice cream at the park, etc.)

  Witnessing a parent’s poor parenting style

  Having a friend who never makes time for their child

  Being invited to a child’s birthday party

  A co-worker mentioning a parenting problem and asking for advice on what to do about it

  Being in places that are special for children (fun centers, theme parks, puppet shows, etc.)

  Noticing colored drawings clipped to a friend’s refrigerator or clay gifts on a co-worker’s desk

  Visiting someone’s home and seeing a display of family photos

  TV commercials and movie trailers that target the child’s age group

  Friends or co-workers who tell stories about their kids

  Being asked if one has kids

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  Discovering one will be a mother or father again

  Finding out one’s child is sick or has been injured

  Discovering one’s child has gone down a dark path (is in jail, has a drug habit, etc.)

  Reaching the step in an addiction recovery program where one must make amends

  Wanting to fill a parenting or mentoring role for another because they desperately need it

  Falling in love with someone who has children

  Caring for someone who had an absentee parent and seeing the damage it continues to cause

  Discovering that one’s child is suffering abuse or neglect by someone close to them

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  CRACKING UNDER PRESSURE

  EXAMPLES: Someone might crack under pressure…

  During a high-stakes team sporting event

  In an exam room

  During a job interview

  While giving an important presentation

  During a live performance, like a singing, acting, or comedy routine

  While being questioned by police

  In the middle of a stressful work project

  While dealing with prying in-laws or annoying family members

  When going through a security checkpoint

  When one must lie convincingly

  During an emergency or disaster

  When organizing a big event, such as a wedding, conference, or family reunion

  When a fear is triggered (e.g., being about to board a plane when one is afraid of flying)

  While being responsible for someone else (e.g., caring for elderly parents)

  While under the scrutiny of a talent scout

  In a competition (debates, athletics, a game show, etc.)

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  Not trying is better than failing.

  I always choke; it’s what I do best.

  No matter what I do, I’ll always disappoint.

  Dreams are for talented people.

  You only win if you break the rules.

  People can’t count on me when it matters most.

  I’m an embarrassment to everyone around me.

  Settling is the smart choice.

  I’m not smart enough or strong enough. I’m defective.

  Hope destroys people.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  Winning something only to lose it

  Being placed in a position of power or responsibility

  Being incapable of succeeding

  Failing and making mistakes

  Public humiliation

  Being pitied by others

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Distancing oneself from those who witnessed the failure

  Avoiding locations, people, and activities that remind one of what happened

  Choosing what’s “safe” over what one really wants

  Pretending one is satisfied with the status quo

  Pushing oneself harder than necessary, almost as if for punishment

  Holding back rather than jumping in

  Using a crutch (drinking, smoking, etc.) as an excuse

  Thoughts going to the worst-case scenario when one is stressed

  Self-defeating behaviors that sabotage one’s success (e.g., partying all night and having no time to prepare for an important project)

  Lying to get out of commitment or responsibility

  Choosing roles where one supports rather than leads

  Making excuses if people ask for one’s help

  Passing the buck to avoid responsibility

  Quitting the team or pulling out of an activity

  Pretending one has an injury to avoid competing

  Secretly following the rise of others in one’s area of expertise while feigning disinterest

  Second-guessing one’s decisions and choices

  Quitting when one is getting close to succeeding

  Choosing a job that has low-level expectations

  Needing to think things over or ask for opinions before making a decision

  Coping through privately drinking

  Reaching out to others who have experienced the same pressure

  Utilizing self-talk if one must be in the spotlight in some way

  Shedding bad habits and replacing them with good ones

  Avoiding people who contributed to the pressuring circumstances

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Cautious, cooperative, diplomatic, disciplined, discreet, humble, introverted, loyal, mature, obedient, observant, pensive, private, proper, sensible, tolerant, traditional

  Flaws: Childish, cowardly, cynical, defensive, hostile, humorless, impatient, insecure, jealous, martyr, needy, obsessive, resentful, self-destructive, self-indulgent, subservient

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  Attending an event similar to the one where one lost control

  High-stake situations where people are being pressured to do well

  Being admired for a talent or skill that is tied to the failure

  Being the center of att
ention or put on display

  Instances where one’s role is vital to success

  Being asked to speak in front of a group

  Locations or symbols tied to the past event (a sport’s trophy, a microphone, a stage, etc.)

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  Being faced with an emergency situation where one must perform or others will be negatively impacted, even injured or killed

  Having a child who is chasing a goal and wanting to support them so they can succeed

  A desire to mentor someone else so they can achieve what they want

  Being thrust into a situation where lying or deception is critical to survival

  Needing money badly enough to consider returning to (or coaching others in) one’s chosen profession

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  DECLARING BANKRUPTCY

  NOTES: A bankruptcy may be business-related or personal and often results from three core causes: money mismanagement, a health crisis, and a divorce or breakup. Changes in the economy can also be a factor, especially if the character lacks the education needed to manage risk effectively.

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, esteem and recognition, self-actualization

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  I’m a loser.

  I can’t provide for my family properly.

  I shouldn’t be in charge of others’ well-being.

  Everyone thinks I’m a total failure.

  I have to keep up appearances no matter what the cost.

  I need to know where every penny is going to keep this from happening again.

  A safety net is more important than happiness.

  Having fun now means paying for it later.

  Without money and success, I have no value.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  Going bankrupt again

  Trusting the wrong people

  Becoming ill or being unable to work

  Secrets becoming known

  Risk, especially where money is concerned

  Losing their home

  Having others find out about their past financial difficulties

  Being taken advantage of

  Losing their family due to broken trust or the change in life circumstances

  Being fired or laid off

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Making excuses for why one isn’t doing better financially

  Lying about one’s finances to appear more successful to others

  Extreme cheapness; getting by on as little as possible

  Needing to know where each penny goes each week

  Obsessively comparing oneself to others

  Drinking to ward off despair or shame

  Working constantly; sacrificing one’s health and family time

  Limiting a child’s activities and interests to those that are inexpensive

  Growing angry and frustrated when bills come due

  Avoiding family and friends, especially those who are successful or well-off

  Doing things oneself (home repairs, etc.), even when one isn’t qualified

  Putting off doctor visits and giving up medications to save money

  Having a dour or resentful outlook toward people who fared better than one did

  Assuming people are out to take advantage

  Making excuses when friends want to go out

  Talking about the old days when life was good rather than living in the present

  Crossing moral lines to gain back some of what was lost

  Hanging onto items from better days even when it’s stupid to do so (e.g., refusing to sell a sports car despite being unable to afford the insurance)

  Avoiding risks, especially when investing

  Re-purposing, re-gifting, and re-using as much as possible

  Buying what’s on sale rather than what one likes best

  Cutting up credit cards (if one still has any)

  Shopping secondhand and engaging in bargain hunting

  Taking a class or seeking wise counsel on how to manage one’s finances

  Creating a sensible budget and sticking to it

  Teaching financial responsibility to one’s children

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Analytical, appreciative, cautious, creative, disciplined, discreet, efficient, humble, industrious, meticulous, organized, persistent, private, proactive, protective

  Flaws: Abrasive, addictive, childish, confrontational, controlling, cynical, evasive, fanatical, foolish, hypocritical, inflexible, irrational, jealous, judgmental, materialistic

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  Getting an unexpected bill and not having enough money saved to cover it

  Rumors of layoffs at work

  Foreclosure signs on houses or Going Out Of Business signs on storefronts

  Driving past one’s old home or property

  Seeing an expensive vehicle one owned in better days

  Birthdays and special holidays where gifts are expected that one can’t afford to buy

  A friend or co-worker talking about an upcoming vacation

  Being asked to donate funds for a celebration or event

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  An opportunity to start a new business that’s a perfect fit

  Seeing a friend who also went through financial troubles turn his situation around

  A health crisis that forces one to examine what’s important: material items or people

  A trial separation that will lead to divorce if one can’t make the necessary changes

  A child who is gifted and requires specialized equipment and training to succeed

  Discovering one’s family is about to get bigger through an unplanned pregnancy

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  FAILING AT SCHOOL

  EXAMPLES: Struggling throughout one’s school career due to…

  A learning disorder (dyslexia, dysgraphia, processing disorders, etc.)

  A behavioral or mental disorder (anxiety, ADHD, panic attacks, depression, bipolar, etc.)

  Medical problems that cause one to miss a lot of school

  A sensory processing disorder that makes school an overwhelming experience

  Taking medication that interferes with one’s ability to focus or learn

  Having a low IQ

  Getting no support at home

  Problems at home (abuse, a family member’s addiction, being forced to care for siblings, etc.)

  External pressures that make school a low priority (working multiple jobs to provide for one’s family, suffering from malnutrition, being homeless, etc.)

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  I’m stupid.

  I can’t learn.

  I’m going to fail no matter how hard I try.

  I’m no good at school (or math, reading, etc.).

  I’m worthless.

  My parents won’t love me if I don’t do well in school.

  People won’t like me if they find out I’m dumb.

  Giving up is better than failing.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  Others finding out about their difficulties

  Having to work with others

  Being called on in class

  Having a public emotional breakdown from the stress

  Overreaching their capabilities

  Disappointing their parents or caregivers

  That their critics are right about them being worthless

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Low self-esteem

  Increased anger and resentment toward people who seem naturally gifted

  Resentment toward one’s family (if stress at home is a factor)

  Underachieving; setting low goals to avoid failing at
bigger ones

  Giving up

  Taking frequent trips to the bathroom or nurse during the school day

  Skipping school and being “sick” on test days

  Not applying oneself so failure can be blamed on a lack of preparation

  Becoming the class clown

  Cheating on tests and homework

  Withdrawing from teachers and other students

  Engaging in self-destructive behaviors, like drinking, taking drugs, or promiscuity

  Believing one will fail, and doing so (reinforcing the self-fulfilling prophecy)

  Lying to family members to hide one’s failure

  Negative self-talk

  Bullying others as a way of going on the offensive

  Dropping out of school

  Charming one’s teachers to get out of trouble

  Extorting a teacher in an attempt to get a passing grade

  Paying others to write papers and do one’s assignments

  Changing one’s focus to an easier field of academics, even if it’s less rewarding

  Redoubling one’s efforts in hopes of turning things around

  Seeking out tutors or study groups

  Asking for more time on assignments or offering to do additional work for extra credit

  Asking a trusted adult for help if home circumstances are beyond one’s ability to manage

  Pursuing interests outside of academics where one excels (sports, the arts, hobbies, etc.)

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Charming, creative, disciplined, industrious, patient, persistent, private, proactive, resourceful

  Flaws: Apathetic, callous, childish, controlling, cynical, disrespectful, hostile, humorless, inhibited, insecure, irresponsible, jealous, lazy, mischievous, needy, nervous, perfectionist, pessimistic, rebellious, resentful, rowdy, self-destructive, temperamental, timid

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  Another student being lauded for academic success

  Being asked to read aloud, present an oral report, or answer a question in class

  Seeing one’s grade publicly posted

  Symbols of achievement, like a framed degree on a parent’s wall