The Emotional Wound Thesaurus: A Writer's Guide to Psychological Trauma
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Pursuing people who aren’t likely to return one’s affections
Not taking risks to avoid any possible rejection
Putting the needs of others first so they will always feel valued
Becoming incredibly loyal to those who love consistently
Never taking on a responsibility one can’t fulfill
Being grateful for the people in one’s life who are dependable and caring
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, appreciative, cautious, cooperative, courteous, empathetic, kind, loyal, protective
Flaws: Apathetic, callous, cynical, humorless, inhibited, insecure, manipulative, needy, oversensitive, rebellious, resentful, subservient, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Real or perceived signs that someone is pulling away, such as unreturned phone calls or plans being cancelled
Being evicted from an apartment or one’s lease not being renewed
Being let go or fired from one’s job through no fault of one’s own
Being criticized for a mistake, choice, or decision
A close friend getting married and moving away
Being rejected even in a small way (being snubbed by a neighbor, one’s idea being dismissed, etc.)
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Being abandoned again by a fiancé, spouse, parent, or long-time friend
Being asked to make a long-term commitment to a person, job, organization, etc.
Deciding never to get close to anyone again, then experiencing a deepening of feelings for someone
A parental figure passing away
Being loved by another and realizing that blame for the past abandonment lies with one’s parent rather than with oneself
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BECOMING A CAREGIVER AT AN EARLY AGE
EXAMPLES
Caring for one’s siblings because parents were addicts, neglectful, absentee, or mentally ill
As a new adult, taking full responsibility of siblings upon the death of one’s parents
Having to care for an ill or incapacitated parent or relative
Bearing extra responsibilities because one’s single parent had to work all the time to provide for the family
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I am the only person who can keep us afloat.
Adults can’t be trusted or counted on.
I’m as capable as any adult (if one is still underage).
Family is about obligation, not love.
Wanting things for myself is selfish and counter-productive.
I have value because others need me.
Asking for help is a sign of weakness.
Being upset about my circumstances is a sign of ingratitude.
Other peoples’ needs are more important than my own.
I’ll never achieve my dreams so there’s no point in having them.
Emotions are pointless and only get in the way.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
The authorities finding out (if the caregiver is a minor)
Losing someone in their charge
Important details slipping through the cracks
Someone discovering a shameful secret, such as the parent being an alcoholic or hoarder
Following in a parent’s footsteps (choosing the wrong partner, being unfulfilled, etc.)
Poverty and becoming homeless
Becoming like the adult one is caring for or replacing (an addict, a terrible parent, etc.)
Developing the same illness or debilitating condition and having to rely on others
Feeling or expressing certain emotions (if it is unsafe to do so)
A loss of identity; never being able to escape the trap of caring for others
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Putting oneself last (taking on extra jobs, going without sleep or food, etc.)
Anticipating the needs of others
Becoming hypercautious about factors that allow one to care for others (safety, hygiene, etc.)
Overprotecting the people in one’s charge
Pushing one’s siblings hard so tough love will make them resilient
Resenting peers who have fewer responsibilities
Distrusting people in authority
Perfectionism
Becoming evasive, withdrawn, or deceptive (if one has a secret to keep)
Repressing one’s emotions
Making do with less
Having no patience for frivolity or “silly” endeavors (while secretly craving such things)
Losing touch with one’s peer group
Gravitating toward more mature peers
Giving up hobbies, interests, and friends due to having no time for them
Feeling guilty for wanting freedom
Straining under home pressures, especially if neglect or abuse are present
Growing rebellious and acting out
Doing whatever it takes to escape the situation
Rationalizing guilt for leaving one’s siblings: Once I get a place of my own, they can move in with me.
Being careful with one’s relationships, especially if parental abandonment was a factor
Taking on and succeeding at jobs one didn’t know one could do
Being highly practical
Noticing what others miss
Enjoying the small things
Becoming thrifty and innovative
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Bold, disciplined, discreet, gentle, honorable, independent, industrious, mature, meticulous, persistent, protective, resourceful, responsible, sensible, thrifty, unselfish
Flaws: Controlling, cynical, evasive, fussy, humorless, impatient, inflexible, obsessive, perfectionist, promiscuous, rebellious, resentful, uncooperative, withdrawn, worrywart
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
A friend being showered with gifts at Christmas while one’s family has to go without
A bare cupboard or pile of overdue bills
A sick sibling who needs medicine that one must somehow acquire
Being invited out by friends and being unable or unwilling to go
Having to buy secondhand or depend on handouts
Briefly being part of an intact and ideal family, then having to return to one’s situation
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
A chance to do something one wants that would interfere with responsibilities at home
An event that makes it difficult for one to be the caretaker (i.e., being evicted)
Being threatened with the removal of one’s charges
Struggling in school and knowing that failing would sabotage the chance for a better future
One’s home situation becoming dangerous (strangers being welcomed in, drugs being openly used, instances of physical abuse, etc.)
Having difficulty coping as a caregiver but being unable to seek help due to guilt, shame, or distrust
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEING RAISED BY A NARCISSIST
EXAMPLES: Being raised by a parent who…
Withheld love and affection via the silent treatment
Demanded excellence and then took credit for one’s successes
Demanded full compliance to every wish and whim
Rarely displayed physical affection
Critiqued every mistake and misstep
Complained about one being a burden
Showed anger instead of compassion when an injury or life event caused inconvenience
Pitted siblings against one another, encouraging competition
Displayed cruelty, possibly employing emotional and physical abuse
Refused to help when needed
Frequently undermined o
ne’s progress and then blamed one for being stupid
Made one feel responsible for the parent’s happiness and well-being
Caused everyone to walk on eggshells due to their high expectations, mood swings, etc.
Made threats and manipulated to get their way
Expected others to cater to them because they were special or important in some way
Purposely took statements out of context to use them against others
Gave conflicting advice to create a no-win situation
Lived out personal dreams through their children
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
Love is how people manipulate you.
Love is conditional.
I am a failure and a burden to those around me.
Wanting something for myself is selfish. I need to put others first.
I am too flawed to ever be loved by anyone.
I am not talented or smart enough to distinguish myself.
To matter, you need to be the best.
To avoid being hurt, hit first.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Rejection and abandonment
Experiencing certain emotions and having them used as weapons
Deep relationships that require vulnerability to succeed
Failures that will prove the parent correct about their deficiencies
Being punished for their mistakes and failures
Trusting the wrong person and being taken advantage of
Repeating the cycle with one’s children
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Struggling to identify one’s feelings because one is used to putting the parent’s feelings first
Difficulty choosing a direction because one can’t identify what one wants
A tendency to put one’s needs last
Saying that things are fine when they’re not
Deferring to others, especially when one is under pressure
Being unsure what healthy boundaries look like
Struggling with vulnerability, intimacy, trust, and sharing one’s feelings
Being a people pleaser and needing praise to feel valued
Trying to be perfect in all things
Becoming clingy or needy; having dependency issues
Being driven to achieve accolades but feeling uncomfortable receiving them
Low self-worth; feeling stupid or deficient regardless of one’s achievements
Choosing a career because it was what a parent wanted
Being taken advantage of because one is unable to self-advocate
Changing one’s role to become what others need
Being drawn to nurturing people (a kind teacher, an understanding boss, etc.)
Making excuses or forgiving a parent’s behavior out of a desire to gain their love
Believing one is to blame when something goes wrong, even when it’s irrational
Catering to a partner’s needs to keep them happy
Beating oneself up for personal failures
Always putting one’s needs first (repeating the narcissism cycle)
Becoming a bully as a way to cope; striking first to avoid being crushed
As an adult, cutting ties with the offending parent
Choosing to practice self-love in hopes of healing and achieving greater self-worth
Building a relationship with someone who fills a healthy parental or mentoring role
Being deeply moved by acts of kindness and displays of affection
Being hypersensitive to the needs and feelings of others
Using a journal to process emotion and express one’s thoughts
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, alert, analytical, appreciative, cooperative, diplomatic, empathetic, loyal, mature, meticulous, obedient, observant, organized, perceptive, persistent
Flaws: Addictive, defensive, dishonest, gullible, indecisive, inhibited, insecure, jealous, judgmental, manipulative, materialistic, nagging, needy, oversensitive, perfectionist
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Criticism, no matter how constructive or respectfully it’s phrased
Falling short, failing, or making a mistake
Spending time with a friend’s family and participating in a normal parent-child activity
Phone calls and visits with one’s parent
Coming in second (or third, last, etc.)
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Trying to reconnect with a sibling who shared the parent-enforced dysfunction
Realizing one’s marriage will fail if one can’t learn to resolve the self-esteem issues
Needing help and having to ask for it regardless of how vulnerable it makes one feel
Experiencing joy at someone’s gift of encouragement and unconditional support and realizing this emotion was missing from one’s toxic upbringing
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEING RAISED BY AN ADDICT
NOTES: Many factors will determine how deep this wound will be, such as whether the addict was one’s sole parent, if abuse was involved, and the quality of life the character experienced in this environment.
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
People drink because they can’t stand to be around me.
No one would notice if I ceased to exist.
I can’t protect my loved ones (if there were siblings one failed to protect from abuse).
If I let people in, they’ll only be disappointed.
No one will be there for me if I really need it.
I’m weak; I’m going to become just like my parent.
There’s no safe place for me in this world.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Violence, sexual abuse, or both
Conflict
Being abandoned
Life spinning out of control
Becoming just like their parent
Having to rely on others
Functional relationships (since dysfunctional ones have become normal)
Instability
Affirmations of love or acceptance (since these have always proven to be false)
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Difficulty relaxing; being in a perpetual state of guardedness
Carefully reading a situation before responding to it
Anxiety and depression
Having a hard time telling if someone is joking; being uncomfortable with humor, teasing, or pranks
Keeping one’s deepest thoughts and desires private
Not rocking the boat
Drinking or doing drugs to feel connected to one’s parent
Difficulty expressing what one wants and needs
Shying away from conflict and even healthy debates
Rebelling, or wanting to rebel, from being so emotionally stymied
Feeling isolated; struggling with dating, meeting people, going out, etc.
Keeping secrets
Choosing what’s safe over what one really wants
Double-checking things to make sure all is as it should be
Feeling close and grateful to people who keep their word
Continuing the cycle (becoming a drug user, drinking too much, engaging in illegal activities, etc.)
Being pessimistic
Denial, especially as to how bad a situation is and how one is coping
Being a people pleaser
Putting the needs of others first
Being hard on oneself
Fleeing from situations that make one feel vulnerable
Wanting clear rules and boundaries; craving predictable routines
Becoming a caretaker of others out of habit
&n
bsp; Taking on more responsibility than is healthy
Finding it difficult, if not impossible, to speak up or complain
Letting emotions build up until there’s an explosion
Needing to be given clear directions and understand the exact expectations
Having less fear of the specific dangers one was exposed to as a child
Shutting down when a confrontation flares up
Lying or distorting the truth to protect others
Feeling shame and embarrassment keenly
Always waiting for the other shoe to drop
Having strong peacekeeping skills; being able to persuade others, calm tempers, etc.
Finding an outlet for safe expression (playing an instrument, writing poetry, gardening, etc.)
Only making a promise when one knows with certainty that one can deliver on it
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, alert, analytical, cautious, cooperative, loyal, mature, nurturing, organized, perceptive, persuasive, proactive, responsible, tolerant
Flaws: Addictive, antisocial, controlling, cynical, dishonest, evasive, hostile, humorless, hypocritical, inhibited, insecure, judgmental, nervous, paranoid, pessimistic, rebellious, resentful, self-destructive, subservient, suspicious, uncommunicative, volatile, withdrawn, worrywart
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
The smell of alcohol or pot
The sight or smell of vomit
Being unable to wake someone right away
Raised voices and heated arguments
The taste of alcohol or cigarettes
Seeing drug paraphernalia lying around someone’s apartment
Driving with someone who is drunk
Having to care for a friend who’s had too much to drink or has passed out
Loud music, parties, and celebrations where people let loose
The sound of clinking glass bottles or a beer can being crumpled
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Marrying someone with a drinking or drug problem
Watching the parent’s health decline and wanting to mend old fences before it’s too late
Wanting to be a good parent and recognizing that one must let go of one’s dysfunctional past