The Emotional Wound Thesaurus: A Writer's Guide to Psychological Trauma
Page 32
Becoming an addict as an adult and realizing how the habit is affecting one’s child
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEING RAISED BY NEGLECTFUL PARENTS
EXAMPLES: Neglect can best be described as a caregiver’s ongoing failure to provide for a child’s basic needs. It can be physical, emotional, mental, or medical in nature. Child or teen victims of neglect could be said to have been raised by parents who…
Refused to take the child to routine medical check-ups
Were unable or unwilling to buy appropriate clothing for their child
Suffered from a mental disorder or another disability that rendered them unable to adequately care for others
Often failed to feed their child
Didn’t make their child go to school
Withheld love and affection
Knew about and didn’t stop their child from engaging in dangerous behavior, such as abusing drugs or alcohol
Were neglectful due to their addictions
Were so absorbed in their own lives they neglected the basic care of their children
Were unintentionally neglectful due to having to work multiple jobs or travel often for work
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I am unlovable.
I’m not worth taking care of. I am a burden to others.
My needs are not important.
I’ve done something to deserve this treatment.
I’m invisible. My life will always be this way.
I can’t depend on others for my survival; I have to fend for myself.
Adults can’t be trusted.
My parents’ love must be earned.
This is what love looks like.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Never being loved or accepted by anyone
Being hungry or not having enough to eat
Embarrassment (over their clothing, home, appearance, etc.)
Other people discovering how they were raised
Being mistreated by others
Having to rely on someone else
Never being able to rise above their circumstances
Repeating the parents’ mistakes with their own children
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Hoarding materials such as food, clothing, or toys
Clinging to anyone who shows love and affection
Being highly protective of one’s siblings
Pulling away from peers so no one discovers one’s situation at home
Being evasive and keeping secrets
Confusion over why one’s family and home life is different than others
Trying to be obedient, helpful, perfect, etc. in order to receive attention and love
Developmental delays, especially social ones, from certain life lessons not being passed on
Developing mental disorders such as depression or eating disorders
Having to learn through trial and error what others have already mastered or know
Seeing oneself as inadequate or insufficient in some way
Difficulties focusing or succeeding in school
Sacrificing secondary needs to meet imperative ones (e.g., giving up self-actualization to gain love)
Turning to a life of crime to secure primary needs
Self-destructive behaviors, like self-harming, engaging in risky sexual activity, etc.
Resisting being responsible for others as an adult
Difficulty forming attachments, even with one’s spouse or children
Trying to provide for the needs of others so they can avoid the same experience
Struggling to parent effectively
Becoming determined to rise above one’s circumstances
Being moved by small acts of kindness more so than other people
Applying oneself to an activity, hobby, or interest as a means of escape
Becoming self-reliant out of necessity
Practicing empathy and kindness to combat one’s feelings of inferiority
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, ambitious, focused, independent, industrious, mature, nurturing, private, resourceful, responsible, simple, thrifty
Flaws: Addictive, antisocial, apathetic, callous, compulsive, controlling, cruel, cynical, devious, dishonest, disrespectful, evasive, hostile, humorless, ignorant, impulsive, inattentive, inhibited, insecure, needy, nervous, pessimistic, rebellious, reckless, resentful, self-destructive, stingy, temperamental, timid, uncommunicative, uncooperative, violent, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Perceived neglect (being stood up, messages not being returned, etc.) by the people one trusts
Being let down by the system (e.g., being refused aid or medical coverage)
Hearing friends talk about their happy childhood memories and close family dynamics
Medical difficulties caused by poor nutrition or lack of proper medical care
Being forgotten on important days, such as a birthday or graduation
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Suspecting that a child in one’s circle is being neglected in some way
An unexpected change, such as having to take on multiple jobs to make ends meet, that threatens one’s children with the kind of neglect one faced
Developing an illness and worrying that one will be unable to provide adequately for those in one’s care
Striving to advocate for one’s children but going too far and creating unhealthy dependency
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEING RAISED BY OVERPROTECTIVE PARENTS
EXAMPLES: Being raised by parents or caregivers who…
Worried constantly about one’s safety
Enforced confining rules (early curfews, not allowing dating, etc.) meant to keep one safe
Discouraged experimentation and taking risks
Made all of one’s decisions
Constantly hovered
Intervened before mistakes could be made, removing the chance for one to learn and solve problems
Chose one’s friends, rather than trusting one to make those choices
Were overly suspicious of organizations, the government, religions, etc.
Taught fear (i.e., of being victimized) to ensure one would heed their advice
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I’m incapable of making my own decisions.
People will take advantage of me if I’m not careful.
The world is a dangerous place where bad things are likely to happen.
Being safe is the most important thing.
Mistakes and failure must be avoided at all costs.
I need someone looking out for me.
It’s better to let others lead because they are more suited than I am.
People in power only want to control the rest of us.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Failure or making dangerous mistakes
Taking risks
Making the wrong decision
Change; stepping outside of their comfort zone
That they’re incapable or inept
The outside world or specific portions of it that were the focus of a parent’s worry
Being responsible and letting others down
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Difficulty making decisions
Second-guessing one’s choices; fretting after the fact
Relying on others to make important choices
Blindly trusting leaders
Avoiding risks; always taking the safest path
Not wanting to be put on the spot
Becoming a follower rather than a leader
Su
sceptibility to manipulation
Overreacting when one is forced into making snap decisions
Frantically studying all of one’s options and getting advice before moving forward
Questioning the motives of others
Thinking about what will go wrong when one is making plans
Overthinking things and worrying about what could happen
Doubting or underestimating one’s skills and capabilities
Avoiding responsibility
Having low ambitions; lacking the desire to put oneself out there where one could be easily hurt
Developing panic attacks, phobias, or anxiety, especially regarding the things one’s parent was worried about
Being overprotective of one’s own children (continuing the cycle)
Feeling smothered by rules and rebelling against people in authority
Taking foolish risks because one wasn’t able to do so as a child
Acting as though one is invincible
Becoming sneaky or devious as a way of getting around the rules
Not learning from mistakes as an adult, since one couldn’t make and learn from them as a child
Using fear tactics and manipulation to sway others to one’s line of thinking
Overcompensating with one’s children by being too permissive
Recognizing that making mistakes is part of the learning process and shouldn’t be feared
Taking control of one’s life and making decisions for oneself
Seeing the positive side of one’s upbringing, such as being shielded from unnecessary exposure to dangerous elements
Aligning with wise and trustworthy people who can help one with decision-making
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, cautious, easygoing, innocent, introverted, loyal, obedient, pensive, protective, traditional
Flaws: Childish, controlling, devious, evasive, gullible, ignorant, indecisive, inhibited, insecure, irresponsible, lazy, subservient, suspicious, timid, ungrateful, weak-willed
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Being given a project or duty that affects many people and fearing the responsibility
Facing an important decision that has far-reaching ramifications
Being assigned to a fussy, hovering boss
Being micro-managed by one’s spouse
Making a mistake that opens one up to danger or risk
A real or perceived threat from the organization or entity feared by one’s parents
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Being faced with an exciting change that would require one to leave the comfort zone
Realizing one’s children are starting to grow anxious about certain things due to one’s anxiety
Realizing one’s parents’ fears were irrational and wanting to see the world in a more balanced light
Making an important decision and succeeding, learning that one is more capable than one believed
Learning something important because of a mistake and being able to apply it to help others
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEING RAISED BY PARENTS WHO LOVED CONDITIONALLY
EXAMPLES: Parents who showed love…
If one got good grades
As long as one’s actions met approval
When one behaved as expected
When one gained accolades and awards for performances
As long as one kept everything organized and clean
If one fit the mold provided
If one did as one was told
When choices and decisions aligned with parental wishes
When one’s physical appearance and bearing met a parent’s high standards
As long as family always came first
Provided one didn’t cause embarrassment
When one had control over one’s emotions
When one showed the correct level of respect and appreciation
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I am only worthy when I achieve great things.
I can earn love by being obedient.
Disappointment means failure.
I must have absolute control of my emotions and impulses.
Trying doesn’t matter; winning does.
I will be whatever I am expected to be.
Others know what is best for me.
Pushing someone to be the best is how you show love.
Pretending is better than disappointing people with the truth.
The only way to be loved is by giving something first.
Love is a tool used to get what you want.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Disappointing people, especially loved ones, by failing
Being anything less than exceptional
Rejection
Competition (especially for love)
Isolation
Changes that are impossible to predict or prepare for
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Anxiety; being filled with self-doubt
A need for approval and praise
Feeling one must always be a giver rather than a taker
Doing as requested without hesitation
Anticipating the needs of others
A need to tell others about accomplishments to prove one’s value
Faking emotions around others rather than expressing one’s true feelings
Checking in to get feedback: Is this okay? Did I do what you wanted?
Sharing one’s joys but not one’s disappointments or fears
Respecting people who are proactive, successful, and powerful
A lack of closeness with siblings (if competitiveness was an issue growing up)
Apologizing when one fails to complete a task, even if it was out of one’s control
Needing to be in charge so one can influence the outcome
Functioning best when working within strict guidelines and instructions
Struggling in situations that require creativity or faith
Always being prepared
Being one’s own worst critic
A compulsion to be the best in all things
Micro-managing others to ensure optimal results
Being materialistic; having an attachment to brands that are well-known and respected
Taking competition very seriously
Turning even fun things into a competition
Avoiding activities where one is not gifted or there’s a good chance of failure
Choosing partners that are at times emotionally distant
Requiring tangible evidence of love (i.e., needing to be told I love you frequently)
Being hard on one’s children and pushing them to do their best
Having no patience for people who complain or whine
Being very affectionate with one’s partner
Being thoughtful
Tying one’s worth to achievement and success
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, affectionate, bold, decisive, disciplined, efficient, extroverted, honorable, industrious, kind, loyal, meticulous, observant, organized, persistent
Flaws: Cocky, controlling, fussy, inflexible, judgmental, know-it-all, materialistic, nagging, needy, obsessive, perfectionist, possessive, pushy, subservient, stingy
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Competition within the family (a parent shining a light on one child’s achievements and ignoring the accomplishments of others)
When past failures are brought up in jest at gatherings
One’s parent openly praising someone else to make the character try harder to succeed
Losing or failing (at work, a game, a competition, etc.)
Driven and successful co-workers (who are, therefore, a threat)
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME
THIS WOUND
Meeting someone who loves unconditionally and doesn’t require one to “prove” love
Wanting to mend fences with a parent whose health is failing
Having a passion for something that relies on luck or chance rather than skill
An injury, illness, or accident that impairs one’s ability to excel in a specific area
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEING SENT AWAY AS A CHILD
EXAMPLES
Being placed in a boarding school (for academic purposes, to solve a problem for busy parents, to restrict one’s access to drugs or bad influences, etc.)
Being sent to live with a relative because of a parent’s inability to provide the right sort of care
Being sent to live with one parent because the other parent is unable to deal with behavioral issues Being placed in a special needs school or care facility
Mandatory placement in a juvenile detention center
Being enrolled in a school to deal with an embarrassing incident
Being sent to live with a foreign host family against one’s wishes
Being placed in a reprogramming facility to eradicate perceived deviant behaviors (like sexual orientation) that go against the family’s beliefs
Being sent to foster care or placed in an orphanage
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
When you need them most, people abandon you.
My value is in what I can contribute, not in who I am.
Parents only love kids who are easy.
People reject me because I’m flawed, so why try to be anything else?
If I keep people at a distance, they can’t reject me.
I don’t need anyone. I’m stronger on my own.
I don’t deserve love and companionship.
If you show vulnerability, people will take advantage of you.
Love is conditional.
If you let people in, they weaken you.