The Emotional Wound Thesaurus: A Writer's Guide to Psychological Trauma

by Becca Puglisi

  The best way to solve problems is by ditching the people causing them.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  Experiencing abandonment as an adult (e.g., one’s child choosing to live with the ex)

  That no one will love them due to their deep flaws

  Rejection (being chosen last, excluded, or forgotten)

  Connecting with others and opening themselves up to hurt

  Doing the wrong thing and driving people away

  Never belonging or being accepted

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Seeking out relationships that are conditional (transaction-based, one-night stands, where the roles are limited and clearly defined, etc.)

  Engaging in superficial personal relationships

  Viewing sexual interest as love

  Not getting attached to people

  Needing to be in control

  Convincing oneself that certain things don’t matter (close relationships, dreams that are hard to achieve, love, etc.)

  Refusing to get a pet because it will one day die and leave one alone

  Trying to be the best at everything to prove one has value

  Doing things in hopes of earning approval

  Negative thoughts that sabotage one’s self-worth

  Settling rather than trying for something better (e.g., keeping a job one hates)

  Being a people pleaser

  Needing to be complimented, catered to, and reassured of one’s value

  Poor relationships with one’s siblings, especially if they were treated differently growing up

  Choosing a life where one is alone and doesn’t need other people for anything

  Trust issues; having a difficult time asking for help

  Abandoning others before they can leave

  Encouraging others to be dependent so they won’t leave

  Using sarcasm, unfriendliness, or undesirable behaviors to keep people at a distance

  Choosing an unfulfilling career that one’s parents will approve of

  Choosing a career that has limited involvement with people

  Living off the grid

  Being highly protective or possessive of others

  Not keeping in touch with family, especially one’s parents

  Not tolerating rivals; either taking them out or disengaging so one doesn’t have to compete

  Choosing easy goals to avoid disappointment

  Antagonism toward authority figures

  Struggling with self-identity, especially if brainwashing was part of one’s past

  Difficulty opening up to others and forming close bonds

  Becoming an advocate for others

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Cautious, disciplined, discreet, empathetic, independent, industrious, introverted, nature-focused, obedient, persistent, private, protective, resourceful

  Flaws: Abrasive, antisocial, controlling, disloyal, grumpy, hypocritical, inhibited, insecure, jealous, judgmental, needy, obsessive, paranoid, perfectionist, promiscuous

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  Family reunions or get-togethers

  Being exposed to loving and accepting family units

  Real or perceived failures, such as being turned down for a date or job

  Places similar to those one had to attend as a child, such as a reformatory or church

  A disapproving tone of voice

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  Having to travel often for work, thereby leaving loved ones at home

  Going through a divorce

  Meeting someone who is open, accepting, and offers unconditional love no matter what

  Being valued and loved by a parental figure (e.g., a neighbor who takes one fishing)

  After standing up for a belief and being cast out as a “troublemaker,” one realizes that the problem lies with other people rather than with oneself

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  BEING THE PRODUCT OF RAPE

  NOTES: This discovery, at any age, will be difficult and can lead to many self-worth and identity concerns. But the fallout can have greater impact if the child learns of his or her lineage at a formative age or during an already difficult time. Other factors to consider are the responses of those around the child who know about the situation, if the child was abused or mistreated as a result, and if he or she was raised by a biological parent or adoptive ones.

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  I am a monster because the same blood flows through my veins.

  I am unworthy of being loved.

  This curse will follow me forever. I am tainted.

  If people discover what I am, they will despise me.

  Life would be easier if I was dead.

  My parents would never have adopted me if they’d known.

  My mother would have aborted me if she could have.

  I’m defective, a ticking time bomb.

  My life is a constant reminder of the evil in this world.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  That deviancy is genetic

  Sexual contact

  Their own children growing violent or become offenders

  People finding out and passing judgment, which will lead to rejection and abandonment

  Being targeted for the parent’s crime

  Never finding someone who can overlook their past

  Becoming a victim of violence as a sort of karmic justice

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Lacking confidence and self-esteem

  Feeling guilty for being alive; having suicidal thoughts

  Believing one’s identity will always be The Child Of A Rapist

  Pulling away from friends, hobbies, and activities

  Finding it hard to concentrate on other things

  Feeling empty, emotionally numb, and depressed

  Struggling to find joy in life

  Going through periods of self-disgust and self-loathing

  Sabotaging promising relationships because one believes one deserves to be punished

  Trying too hard (to be beautiful, talented, good, etc.) out of a desire to be loved

  Feeling shame and humiliation, as if people will immediately know that one is the product of rape

  Studying the faces of strangers and wondering who the rapist was

  Wanting to know more about the rapist because he is one’s parent, and feeling guilty about it

  Looking for signs that those who know are disengaging or have secret negative feelings

  Clinging to people out of a fear of rejection

  Keeping one’s past a secret and being terrified others will find out

  Questioning one’s maternal or paternal abilities

  Always putting the needs of others first; sacrificing one’s happiness, needs, desires, etc.

  Developing an eating disorder

  Believing one is the cause of a loved one’s unhappiness

  Self-medicating with drugs or alcohol

  Believing one has to prove oneself in order to have value

  Becoming a workaholic in order to become the best in one’s field

  Becoming aware of the unfairness of certain labels in society

  Questioning how people judge; believing that a person’s present actions, as opposed to those from the past, are what matters

  Trying to focus on one’s good qualities rather than things outside one’s control

  Seeking therapy to process one’s complicated feelings

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Affectionate, appreciative, courageous, curious, empathetic, nurturing, protective, unselfish

  Flaws: Addictive, impulsive, inhibited, insecure, irrational, martyr, needy, obsessive, paranoid, scatterbrained, self-destructive, subservient, suspicious, timid, withdrawn, workahol
ic, worrywart

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  One’s birthday

  When a friend announces she’s pregnant

  Receiving a friend or family member’s birth announcement

  TV shows or movies that feature rape as part of the story line

  Media coverage of rapists or violence against women

  Seeing items that one knows were part of the rape (a knife, a gun, duct tape, etc.)

  Going through old files and finding one’s adoption paperwork

  Being contacted by one’s birth mother

  Walking by an abortion clinic

  Seeing a pro-life or pro-choice protest

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  The parole of one’s rapist parent

  Discovering a support group for others in the same situation and having to decide whether to share one’s feelings or try to cope alone

  Locating one’s biological parents and wanting to contact them

  Discovering that one’s biological parent is dying

  A desire to have children

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  EXPERIENCING THE DEATH OF A PARENT AS A CHILD OR YOUTH

  NOTES: A parent dying—from an illness, accident, or another cause—is especially difficult when one is a child or young adult. In this case, a parental death leaves a huge void. The potency of this wound may be especially difficult if violence was involved, if the death was unexpected, or the relationship was strained. The dynamic between the child and the remaining parent (if there was one) and the quality of care given would also effect the depth of the scar caused by this event.

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  People die when you need them most.

  It’s better to hold back than love someone completely.

  Nothing is certain, so why worry about the future?

  I will never have a relationship as good as the one I lost.

  I won’t be a good mother (or father) because I had no role model to show me how.

  If I’m too busy to think, I won’t have to feel.

  I am a burden to the people around me.

  People don’t want to hear about my pain so it’s best to just shut up about it.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  Losing a loved one

  Dying and what comes afterward

  Being abandoned or rejected

  Places, events, or situations similar to the ones that led to the parent’s death

  The vulnerability that comes with fully loving someone

  Getting sick (if symptoms were part of the parent’s death)

  Being responsible for others and failing them

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Viewing life differently due to a loss of innocence

  Regressing to an earlier age (if one is still a child)

  Insomnia or restless sleeping habits

  Physical aches, pains, and stomach issues

  Anxiety and depression

  Panic attacks and separation anxiety disorder, especially if the parent was taken violently

  Difficulty feeling truly secure

  Becoming overly-sentimental and wanting to live in the past

  Guilt, shame, or anger as one’s memory of the parent grows foggy over time

  Feeling resentment or envy of people who have both parents

  A lack of ambition

  Having a difficult time imagining the future

  Self-medicating with drugs or alcohol

  Engaging in self-harm

  Difficulties managing stress; feeling overwhelmed

  Becoming overly attached to people and things, which could escalate to hoarding

  Using work as a shield to avoid people and relationships

  Becoming fiercely self-reliant so one never has to depend on others

  Acting out through deviant behavior (committing crimes, abusing alcohol or drugs, etc.)

  Struggling with situations that lack structure or boundaries

  Choosing emotional numbness over feeling deeply

  Struggling with building healthy, balanced relationships

  Imagining how one could die

  Becoming a hypochondriac

  Worrying about others and what will happen in the future

  Growing superstitious when it comes to death or keeping loved ones safe

  A memory block that affects one’s recall of the dead parent (if one was young when it happened)

  Deeply wanting and needing nurturing but being unable to ask for it

  A feeling of incompleteness that persists throughout life

  Associating love and acceptance with sexual activity

  Not wanting to celebrate personal life events because it’s too painful without one’s parent

  Thinking often about who one would be and what life would be like if one’s parent was still alive

  Appreciating small things that most people overlook

  Noticing the absence of things more than other people do

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Affectionate, appreciative, courageous, diplomatic, discreet, gentle, imaginative, independent, introverted, kind, loyal, mature, nurturing, observant, patient, philosophical, protective, responsible, sentimental, spiritual, unselfish

  Flaws: Addictive, antisocial, compulsive, dishonest, disorganized, disrespectful, evasive, forgetful, humorless, impulsive, inhibited, insecure, irresponsible, jealous, judgmental, materialistic, morbid, needy, nervous, obsessive, oversensitive, perfectionist, possessive, promiscuous, self-destructive, subservient, superstitious, temperamental, uncommunicative, uncooperative, volatile, whiny, withdrawn, workaholic, worrywart

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  The date of the parent’s death

  Special life events (graduation, getting married, having a baby, buying a home, etc.)

  A difficult decision or personal struggle where parental advice would be welcome

  Losing a loved one to death or divorce

  Big holidays that reinforce the specialness of family (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, etc.)

  Attending funerals

  Coming across old mementos

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  Losing a second parent or grandparent

  A living parent growing ill

  Becoming a parent oneself

  Meeting someone who suffered a similar loss and being able to process it together

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  GROWING UP IN A CULT

  NOTES: A cult is characterized as a fringe organization (often, but not always, defined by a religious belief system) that espouses ideologies and practices believed by others to be dangerous or extreme. This entry will focus on people who were once ensconced in a cult but at some point escaped or turned their backs on it.

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, self-actualization

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  I am weak-minded.

  I’m an easy target.

  My judgment can’t be trusted.

  I’ll never be free from the ideas that were put into my mind.

  All religions are out to brainwash and control people.

  You can never really trust an organization’s stated motivation.

  I’m a disloyal or selfish person (for leaving the cult and one’s family and friends).

  I can’t trust anyone.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  Their children being pulled into a cult

  Someone finding out they were associated with the cult

  Organized religion in general

  Being manipulated or controlled by anyone

  Being on their own

  Having to make decisions

  Not being able to trust their own mind (due to the cult’s brainwashing)
/>   Trusting someone and being taken advantage of

  Being assaulted, especially if physical, sexual, or emotional abuse was common within the cult

  Any entity perceived to be involved in the spreading of misinformation, such as the media or government

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Avoiding or despising religious groups and organizations

  Becoming controlling (in an effort to avoid being controlled again)

  Avoiding organized groups, even those that aren’t religious in nature

  Keeping one’s guard up with others

  Being extremely private

  Suffering from low self-esteem and feelings of low self-worth

  Reacting with anger if someone crosses a privacy line

  Difficulty making decisions for oneself

  Feeling conflicted about one’s time in the cult

  Keeping secrets

  Difficulty recognizing truth from fiction (due to brainwashing by cult members)

  Questioning one’s decisions; worrying that one’s choices are poor ones

  Withdrawing from others out of a fear of not being able to trust their motives

  Worrying about being taken advantage of by others

  Being paranoid that one is being pursued by members of the cult

  Suspecting others of dishonesty and deceit

  Worrying over the fate of loved ones still in the cult

  Being overly cautious; avoiding risk

  Distrusting certain aspects of the outside world that one was taught were bad

  Feeling isolated by one’s experience

  Difficulty assimilating into society

  Struggling with guilt over leaving one’s family and friends behind

  Fearing what will happen to one’s eternal soul due to leaving the cult

  Defending the cult and its practices

  Depression and panic attacks

  Confusion regarding healthy relationships (what they look like, what appropriate boundaries are, etc.)

  Adhering to and acting on deeply ingrained superstitions related to the cult (engaging in ceremonial cleansings, prayers, etc.)

  Being overly protective of one’s children