Dazed (The Deliverance Series Book 1)

by Maria Macdonald

  “Think what you want,” she whispers. “I’m going to sleep. Can we talk about this tomorrow?”

  I nod. “Yeah, I have a late class, we can talk in the morning.”

  She smiles at me. “Thank you.” Her voice trembles. She closes her eyes and within minutes she’s asleep, mouth breathing as usual. It takes a lot longer for me to follow her, but when I do I dream of bright green eyes and dark tattoos.

  “Wakey, wakey, princess,” Morgan drawls sitting on my bed. I blink open my eyes and see her blurry but smiling face in front of me.

  “You’re okay?” I ask, not entirely convinced.

  She nods. “Yeah. I wasn’t, but then I thought about it and realized that unfortunately, this kind of shit happens all the time. Instead of thinking about the bad part of what happened, I’m going to thank my lucky stars that you saved me, and it never got any further than kissing and fumbling,” she tells me. Fear washes through her eyes then disappears. “How did you know?” Morgan asks coyly.

  I pull myself up to sitting and push back against my headboard. Rubbing my eyes, Morgan nods toward my side table and I see a steaming cup of coffee. I pick it up and hold it to my nose, the aroma alone is enough to get my system working these days. I sip it once, twice, three times before placing it back down. I’ve known Morgan long enough now that I should probably be honest with her. She’s never asked about my nightmares, and as that thought rumbles through my head I realize it’s been a few months since I’ve had a bad dream.

  “I could see the signs.” I pull my lips in and bite down for a second, relishing the pinch it causes. For a moment, I wonder if I’m really going to tell her everything, then with no more thought I continue, “About three years ago, a little while before my sixteenth birthday, I was nearly raped.” I’m not sure why I blurt it out like that, maybe I think it will lose its power if I say the word. A word that I haven’t allowed to run off my tongue since Aiden died. Morgan’s leg slips out from under her and she falls off my bed and onto the floor.

  “What the actual fuck?” she asks jumping back up and staring at me shocked.

  “It happens… and I’m not a circus freak, stop looking at me like that,” I snap. Somewhere in my head is a voice telling me that she’s shocked, she’s going to be upset for me and her staring at me like a freak is legit. But this is the first time I’m talking about what happened to me in years, and I need her to just listen.

  “Sorry,” she whispers casting her eyes toward the floor.

  I groan. “No, I’m sorry. I haven’t spoken about this to anyone pretty much since it happened,” I explain.

  “Don’t you think you should?” she asks cautiously.

  I shrug. “Probably. But I’m talking to you now, that’s a start, right?”

  Morgan nods back at me. “Yes, of course.”

  “I was dating Devin. He was the most popular boy at school, and I was taken in by his charm, his bad boy image, all the normal shit. He was a year older than me, and when he wanted to date me I felt like all my dreams had come true. The popular girls in his year hated me, while the popular girls in my year loved me. It was all bullshit.” I scoff. “I thought I was special, but I was just a silly little girl.”

  “We’ve all been there with the popular guy, Laura. We’re all guilty of being stupid when it comes to that,” she tells me gently.

  “Yeah, like I am with my fucking thoughts of Tarrant,” I concede, bringing my legs up and crossing my arms over my knees. I use the position like a little hole—leaning forward I pop my face through my arms and stare at my duvet. For some reason, I can’t look at Morgan when I tell her the rest. “We were at a party in the middle of some woodland we had back home. There was a bonfire, you know the usual stuff. Devin said he wanted to talk to me in private and since he was my boyfriend and I was a naive little girl, I took his offered hand and let him pull me through the trees.”

  I take a couple of breaths but it doesn’t really help. I’ve blocked out the next part, except in my dreams. I’ve tried not to even think about what happened that night.

  “He found a secluded spot, and we sat and started fumbling about. We were making out, you know?” I ask even though I’m not looking at her. Still, I hear her quiet agreement. “Things got a little further than I was comfortable with. I told him no, he told me yes, and there was a struggle.”

  I catch my breath and feel Morgan’s hand on my back, against Tarrant’s top, against Aiden’s gift, and strangely those three combined things calm me internally.

  “He didn’t want to deflower me in the traditional sense,” I explain and finally raise my head to look at her. Morgan’s eyes are wide and scared, scared of what I’m going to tell her, of what she doesn’t know. I would be, too. My story isn’t pretty.

  “He wanted to fuck me, he tried to fuck me. He couldn’t. It’s not as simple as forcing it in when it comes to your ass,” I finally confide in someone other than Aiden and the police.

  “Oh, Laura,” she cries out as tears run down her cheeks, making the mascara that was already there run again. Morgan wraps her arms around me and rocks us both back and forth. I don’t cry, though. I feel oddly detached from the story now like I’m explaining something that happened to someone else.

  “Then what?” she hiccup whispers in my ear.

  “Some drunken guy from our school stumbled through the trees to have a piss and Devin got off me. He made sure to tell everyone he’d dumped me, though.” I swallow the emotion that’s now invading my whole body and stare past Morgan to the wall. “Two days later, I told Aiden. He beat the shit out of Devin and died because of it.”

  I can’t elaborate more than that. I’m deflating quickly now, my strength from before has dissipated, and I feel drained. Then the tears come. I sob quietly, and even though I’ve only just woken up, I eventually cry myself back to sleep in my best friend’s arms.

  Deciding to miss class, I can’t face anyone other than Morgan. Thankfully, she doesn’t ask me any more questions, and I breathe a sigh of relief when I decide to lock it back up in the box… for now. I know I’ll have to deal with it at some point, but I’ve taken the first step and that’s enough of an achievement for me.

  “You want a pizza? My treat,” Morgan asks.

  “Yeah, a pizza sounds good,” I answer with a timid smile.

  When the food arrives, my tummy rumbles, and I realize I haven’t eaten all day. I hoover down three slices and look at the fourth on my plate. “Morgan, what’s going on with you and Aaron?” I ask, remembering how this all started.

  “Ugh,” she moans and lets her body fall back onto the bed. Her empty plate bounces on her legs, and I walk over to her collecting the plate, placing it with my own on her desk, and grabbing gum to chew the pizza taste away. I sit on the edge of her desk and pop my feet on her chair.

  Morgan stares at the ceiling, restlessly fiddling with her fingers, and she drops a bombshell that, in a million years, I would never have guessed. “You remember when we were separated, and he was dating Heidi?” she asks me, and I nod. “Well, now she’s apparently pregnant.”

  I gasp at the shock, and the gum gets sucked into the back of my throat which causes me to start choking. Noises bubble up from my throat making me sound like a horse, and Morgan leaps from the bed as I have no doubt my face is probably turning purple. She slams her palm on my back.

  “Get it out, bitch, ‘cause I don’t want to Heimlich the shit out of you and have your tits bouncing on my arms… that’s too friendly,” she shouts.

  The gum dislodges and we stare at each other, laughter exploding from both of us. When our giggles calm down, Morgan starts whimpering which then evolves into quiet weeping.

  “Oh, baby girl,” I whisper as I cocoon her in my arms, and we both sink down to the floor. This time it’s me rocking her.

  What fucked-up situations we seem to have found ourselves in.

  For the next week, both Morgan and I walk around in a subdued state. Floating from one class to an
other. At one point, Selina gloats about the fact that Caden and I aren’t together anymore. I wonder if he’s made it official without my knowledge, but even that thought doesn’t provoke enough emotion to make me care. Morgan is constantly sad and tired, and my life is all about her right now. My pain has been inside me for years—hers is fresh and raw. Caden hasn’t tried to contact me and neither has Tarrant. I don’t know what to make of that, so I try my best not to think about it at all, but that doesn’t stop my mind tumbling into a Tarrant daze from time to time.

  “I think I’d like to go out tomorrow,” Morgan tells me

  “Really?” I ask surprised as I load my washing.

  She’s been so unlike her usual self that I wasn’t sure if I’d get her back. Aaron has called me, and we’ve spoken at length. I feel sorry for him. He loves her, he always has, and he’s a good guy.

  “Even good guys make mistakes sometimes.” I made the seriously bad move of saying that to Morgan the other night, and she threw her doughnut at my head during one of the many food binges we’ve had. “Too soon?” I’d questioned soon after, and that’s when the Oreo’s came at me. Like a true professional, I caught them and began eating.

  As of right now, I’m not even sure if Heidi is pregnant. If she is, it doesn’t look like either of them are suddenly hoping to create a happy family, but Morgan is still torn and I get why. She loves him, but she doesn’t want to be with someone who’s starting an altogether different journey with another girl.

  “Yeah,” Morgan says bringing me back to the conversation. “I want to go out. It’s time I stop wallowing in self-pity. I’m sad, and yes I probably have a right to be, but this could be someone’s life we’re talking about. If she is pregnant, then they created a little human, and I need to take a step back and get on with my own life.”

  I look at my friend—as she sits on top of the dryer—with renewed respect and admiration.

  “Okay, where do you want to go?” I question, closing and starting the washer.

  Morgan jumps down and grabs my empty basket. “How about Rettas?” she asks cautiously.

  “Really?” I sigh.

  “It’s the only eighteen and up club around here. I don’t want to travel over fifty minutes to Elaborate,” she whines. Elaborate is the next nearest eighteen and up club, and we don’t have fake IDs.

  “What about seeing people from school? We’ve successfully avoided pretty much everyone this week,” I tell her.

  “I’ve spoken to Caden and Tarrant,” she whispers, looking at the floor.

  “What?” I breathe out. “You didn’t tell me.”

  “They both asked if you were okay. Individually, they came up to me and asked, and they both wanted to speak to you but I told them to give you some time.”

  I let the information sink in. I thought that neither of them wanted to know me anymore. Now with this new knowledge I’m not sure whether I’m happy or more confused.

  “Caden is really upset about what happened.”

  “He should be,” I snap, annoyance creeping over me.

  “Tarrant wanted to come round, but I said no. I’m telling you he’s seriously into you. He told me to say that he’s waiting for you whenever you want to talk. I’m guessing he has a few things to tell you.”

  “Stop it, please,” I murmur.

  Morgan rolls her eyes but shuts up.

  “Shit! What time is it?” I rush out.

  “Erm… like four-ish,” she says unhelpfully.

  “Crap! I need to go get ready for work,” I say taking the steps two at a time to get back to our dorm.

  “So tomorrow?” she calls out from behind me.

  “Okay!” I shout back, ignoring the knot in my stomach.

  Caden: I’m sorry. REALLY SORRY. I want to see you.

  I stare at the text again before putting the phone in my bag and going back to the front of the store. Andersons is quiet tonight, and that’s not what I need right now.

  It’s a little after nine pm, and I’m getting ready to close the store when a couple of guys come in. They must be high school seniors because they only look a couple of years younger than me. I busy myself with some paperwork at the checkout waiting for them to get what they need so I can lock up.

  They stroll leisurely toward me and throw their selection of candy and pop on the counter.

  I scan it all through. “Eight dollars exactly, please.”

  They pull out their money and pay, and as they’re leaving, I walk behind them to lock up. Just before they move through the open door, the slightly shorter guy spins around and catches me unaware.

  “Shit,” I say when he faces me. “You scared me. Is there something else you need?” I question tilting my head when neither of them speak.

  “Bit late for someone like you to be working in here by yourself, isn’t it?” the taller one asks me.

  “And you’re what? High school seniors?” I scoff. “Shouldn’t you both already be tucked in bed?” I say sassily.

  They advance on me, and I think back to my parents telling me my mouth would get me in trouble one day.

  As they back me against the wall, each leaning a hand at the side of my head, I debate kicking one in his junk then maybe I can scoot pass the other.

  “Back the fuck away now unless you both want broken legs,” Tarrant thunders from the door. I can’t see him because these guys are blocking my view, but I can feel his anger penetrating the air.

  The shorter guy turns, he’s ready to mouth off, but the moment his eyes land on Tarrant, you can physically hear him swallow down his words.

  “If you want to walk out of here, I suggest you do it now before I decide not to let you,” he growls, and it’s almost feral.

  Both boys—that’s all they really are—scuttle away as quickly as they can. Tarrant watches them, his lip curled, until they can’t be seen anymore. That’s when his attention refocuses on me. “Are you closing up now?”

  “Y-Yes,” I stutter as my voice catches in my throat.

  He nods but doesn’t say anything. He also doesn’t offer to step outside as I lock the door. I eye him suspiciously wondering what his game is this time, and then I go to the staff room to collect my purse and pull my jacket on.

  “Ready?” he asks when I move to the door.

  “Ready for what?” I question unlocking the door so we can both exit and then locking it again.

  Tarrant doesn’t speak, and as I spin around our eyes meet. We have a face-off, neither of us saying a word, we just stand staring at each other as though we’ve been frozen. It’s stupid, and in the end I roll my eyes.

  “Come with me,” he orders.

  “What? Where?” I ask, biting down on the inside of my cheek to stop myself from saying something stupid. Adrenaline is zinging around my body. I can feel my hands shaking slightly, and I’m not sure whether it’s being caused by what happened with those guys or being in Tarrant’s company.

  “Trust me,” he replies.

  I know my reply to his statement means more to him than a normal answer would.

  I look between his face and his car, the soft concern that shines in his eyes makes my tummy tighten, but the nod I give is enough for him to immediately change his posture. As his shoulders relax, I blink, and it occurs to me he wants me to go with him as much as I do.

  Without a word I get into his car, and my face flames as I remember Dick-Gate. Once again, I decide not to look at him on the journey. Instead, I stare out the window, and as the dark world passes by, I avoid looking at my reflection. I know I probably look like crap—I usually do after work.

  I find my eyes slowly closing as we come to a stop. We’re in a garage, and I twist in my seat to look at Tarrant, but I only catch a glimpse of his back as he exits the car. In a flash, he’s on my side helping me out. I’m slightly dazed as I stare up at him seeing a smile appear on one side of his mouth as he gazes down at me.

  “Steps, Lemon,” he says with a grin. He tips his chin up gesturing i
n the general direction we need to go, and I reluctantly allow my eyes to leave his face so I can look in front of me.

  I start walking up the stairs, and after the first two flights I turn, letting my shoulders drop. “How many steps are there?” I whine, and Tarrant chuckles.

  “Stop complaining, the view up here is worth it. Come on,” he says placing a hand on my lower back, encouraging my motion. I bite the inside of my mouth as every nerve ending is alive under his touch.

  By the time we’ve conquered the last set of steps though, I want to kill him. Tarrant smiles indulgently at me and my multiple complaints, while I feel the beads of sweat gathering across my brow.

  “Here, stand to one side for a minute,” he tells me as he moves us both, grasping me by my hip. I feel his hand as though there isn’t a single layer of clothing between us—this guy seems to be able to command my body without even trying.

  Staring around the small space, I look back at Tarrant as he steps up to the fire door. He brings out a small metal thingy from behind a pillar and places it in between the lock and frame wrenching the door open.

  Stepping through the hole, I immediately stop, looking up at the night sky. Tarrant moves past me then turns back, holding out his hand. “Come on.” His silhouette is commanding and without thinking, I place my hand in his. Then he pulls me into his wonderland.

  I walk around the open space. We’re on a rooftop, and I look up at the night sky which is black. There are no clouds, but with all the light pollution I can barely see any stars. I feel the cold through my fingers as he let’s go of my hand and walks over to the edge of the roof. Tarrant leans back against a wall. With his hands in his pockets and his eyes closed, he looks like a dream, and he has been starring in mine, repeatedly.

  “Why did you bring me up here?” I call across the roof while slowly making my way over to him.

  His eyes open, and he looks at me before closing them again. “Caden’s been through a lot,” Tarrant tells me his head now hanging low, completely unlike his normal stature. It’s not what I expected him to say. I don’t know what I thought, or hoped, but this wasn’t it.