A Small Indiscretion

by Denise Rudberg

  Leaving Christina Filipsson’s apartment, he thought of Marianne Jidhoff. Was she in her apartment all by herself tonight? He was nearby and could drop in for a spontaneous visit, but he didn’t think Marianne was the kind who liked that. He also had no idea whether she was seeing anyone. That was none of his business. Still, he looked forward to spending more time with her. He wanted to excel and impress—to walk on the high wire—for her.

  He forced his thoughts back to the murders and systematically went through all the information he’d gathered the past few days. He began to toss arguments back and forth in a kind of mental ping-pong. He was so lost in thought that he hardly noticed his surroundings until he found himself at the front door to his apartment building. He glanced at his watch and saw it had taken him an hour to walk from Östermalm all the way to Folkskolegatan. He punched in his entry code and took the stairs.

  He knew Noah wasn’t home, but he still felt disappointed when he walked into his empty apartment. He didn’t like being by himself, and he wondered what his life would be like when Noah moved out for good. He might get used to it, but he didn’t know how.

  Now slightly gloomy, he brushed his teeth and peered at his reflection in the mirror. He ought to get his hair cut. Probably he should be more regular about shaving. For the past year, he’d shaved only every other day, but now he saw that was a bad idea. He looked too sloppy, and his face itched.

  He got his sofa bed ready and opened the balcony door. Shivering, he climbed beneath the blankets and closed his eyes. It was just past ten in the evening, but he was exhausted from all the hectic days. If he got a good night’s sleep, he might be able to sort his thoughts on the case.

  CHAPTER 77

  He checked the alarm a second time before shutting the cover. Their code was a combination of the children’s birth years. It had been fairly easy to figure out, and he’d had a good look at it through his binoculars. He couldn’t understand why security firms put alarms in such easy-to-see locations. Maybe that would be a good career for him later: to start a security firm that made it impossible for burglars to break in. He’d be the perfect expert.

  He quietly took off his shoes and walked through the living room in his socks. The house was absolutely silent. The lamp on the ground floor, which was usually kept on, was off. They had used the fireplace earlier that evening. He placed his hand over it—it was still warm. Her cell phone was on the coffee table.

  She breathed deeply on the couch, and he had to resist the impulse to lie down next to her. She looked more fragile than usual, and it was hard for him not to touch her. But he didn’t have time—he had other things to do.

  He headed up the stairs. The girls were deeply asleep in their bedrooms, and he could hear their regular breathing.

  From the master bedroom, he heard nothing. He walked silently to the half-open door, eased it open, and shuddered with a sudden feeling of contentment. He was here, and she could feel safe. He carefully sneaked into the bedroom and stood perfectly still. The man lay on his stomach, his right hand still gripping his cell phone. He smiled crookedly, feeling proud to be standing here watching Jens Steen in the darkness.

  She needn’t worry any longer. He would take care of her.

  CHAPTER 78

  To reach Ralph’s temporary residence at an exclusive hotel, they had to walk through the lobby to the elevator and exit at the top floor. Ralph escorted her down the carpet-covered hallway to a door at the end.

  “Do you eat here at the hotel, too?”

  “I have a small kitchen. I do the best I can. I’m not much of a cook, but I can make myself breakfast and a few simple dinners. Most of the time, I eat out. Stockholm has changed quite a bit. Ten years ago, you couldn’t find a nice place open for breakfast, but now you can.”

  They entered the minimal suite. It felt welcoming in spite of its spare interior. Ralph opened the terrace doors, and Marianne stepped outside to enjoy the starry night sky. Excusing himself, Ralph returned with a blanket, which he draped over Marianne’s shoulders. Then he went back inside.

  Marianne sat down in one of the recliners and continued to stare into the black night. Ralph made coffee in the kitchenette. A heat lamp beside her turned on and she felt warmed right away. She kicked off her shoes and pulled her feet beneath the blanket. A breeze was coming up. She closed her eyes. In the background she heard Chet Baker.

  “Am I disturbing you?”

  “No, I’ve just settled in perfectly. Oh! Is all that for me?”

  Ralph was carrying a tray with two cups of steaming coffee and round glasses of cognac. There was a bowl with candy—white truffle nougat!

  “I can’t believe this! White truffle nougat is my favorite!”

  Ralph laughed. “I have to admit I knew. Lola told me you love white chocolate and you often shop at Eje’s—and once I went there, they knew exactly what to give me. It seems you are a valuable customer.”

  “I must be responsible for fifty percent of their profits. Mmm. Have you tasted these? They are heavenly.”

  “I did have one in the shop. They are hard to resist, just like you. You go together.”

  “Stop it! You embarrass me.”

  “Come on, it’s the twenty-first century. You can’t embarrass people anymore!”

  “Then I will get a swollen head, and I’ll be impossible to deal with. You must have been pretending you didn’t know I was recently widowed. Shame on you!”

  “Guilty as charged!” Ralph held up two hands and smiled.

  They both laughed. Marianne sipped her coffee. The hot coffee and the white chocolate blended so wonderfully.

  “You’re still the same,” Ralph said.

  “The same?”

  “So happy and positive. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen you in a bad mood.”

  “It’s an illusion. All summer I stayed in bed feeling sorry for myself. I enjoyed making myself miserable.”

  “But you’re positive and happy again.”

  “Happy as I can be. Still, I’ve gotten back on my feet. I have other things to do these days.”

  “That’s what I mean. You brush yourself off and get back in there. You must have been born with more than your share of positive energy.”

  “Perhaps,” Marianne said. “But it feels strange hearing you say that. It’s not the picture I have of myself. I often think I’m troublesome and demanding. But you’re right. I don’t let grief and worry get the upper hand. Maybe that’s because of my mother.”

  “Your mother?”

  “She died when I was born. In childbirth. I almost didn’t make it either. Pappa found himself with a small child right after he lost the love of his life, but he didn’t wallow in his grief. He was filled with gratitude that I’d survived.”

  Ralph slowly lifted his glass of cognac. “Skål that you survived. And that you are here with me now, although thirty years have gone by and I am no longer that exciting young man you used to know.”

  Marianne chuckled. “You were never exciting, but you were cute.”

  Ralph smiled over his glass. “Being cute is good enough. Actually, it’s more than good enough.”

  Marianne tried to relax. She closed her eyes, but she was still too tense. Ralph noticed she wasn’t letting go, but they both pretended she was. When he finally came, she simply felt relieved that it was over. They hadn’t gotten into the proper rhythm from the start, although their kisses were full of desire. His mouth had explored her entire body and he seemed to like what he discovered. But she felt awkward and had difficulty remembering how to be with a naked man. His personal odor was different from Hans’s. He was soft in the places where Hans was hard. He had hair where she was used to finding soft skin. Marianne bit her lip and tried to think of something to say. She wanted to apologize for not being able to relax. She didn’t remember herself like this. Sex used to be exciting, but now it made
her uncomfortable.

  Ralph lay next to her, stroking her cheek.

  “You are wonderful. I can’t believe I’m actually lying next to you. It seems unreal. You don’t realize how many years I’ve dreamed about being with you. And here you are, naked beside me.”

  He began to kiss her on the throat, and they started up all over again. She thought at first that he was kissing her to relieve her from embarrassment, but his kisses became more intense and again he wandered all over her body. Her long-forgotten urges came back to life. All her stiffness disappeared. She wanted this now!

  “Please, can you sit on me? I need…to look at you.”

  Ralph’s voice was thickening. He groaned as she sat up and straddled his body. She thought being naked in front of him would feel uncomfortable, but when she saw he was aroused, she felt braver. Ralph lay quietly beneath her, his hands on her hips, groaning more intensely. Marianne moved faster and faster, enjoying the fact he was so still. When she suddenly came, she was surprised. Her orgasm didn’t last long, but Ralph’s image seemed to waver before her eyes and then he shuddered all over. He uttered a long, animal-like moan, and she had to keep herself from laughing. Ralph opened his eyes. For a moment, he stared at Marianne in confusion.

  “My God, Marianne, my God. That’s all I can say.”

  They lay in silence for a long time. After a while, Ralph got up and came back with a pack of cigarettes.

  “Shall we celebrate with a smoke in bed? This is a non-smoking hotel and it’s forbidden. Are you okay with that?”

  Marianne smiled and shook her head. “I haven’t been moral for quite some time. My humble self has completely forgotten everything having to do with morality.”

  Ralph laughed and kissed her cheek gently. “How lucky for me!”

  They shared the cigarette, gazing at the ceiling. Marianne blew out some smoke. “It’s been a long time.”

  “I didn’t notice. You’re good in bed.”

  “I don’t believe you for a second,” she laughed.

  “Well, you are. Just looking at you, like I said, it’s obvious you enjoy all the good things in life.”

  “I guess I should take that as a compliment. But it’s probably a good thing that you remember what I looked like when I was young.”

  “If you think your looks have faded with the years, let me be the first to tell you you’re wrong. I was shocked when I saw you at Lola’s. I was expecting a morose widow. Instead, a sexy goddess appeared.”

  Marianne laughed. She couldn’t help giving Ralph’s arm a pinch.

  “That’s not nice, putting such thoughts into the head of a woman of my age.”

  “I’m not flattering you. I’m amazed that you’re unaware of your own charisma. Don’t you feel sexy?”

  Marianne kept looking at the ceiling. She took a last puff from the cigarette, which was dangerously close to its filter.

  “No, I seldom do. As I said, it’s been a long time.”

  Ralph shook his head. He took the cigarette butt from her hand, extinguishing it in an ashtray on the nightstand. “Perhaps…from what I’ve heard about your marriage, that’s not surprising.”

  “It’s true. Hans’s illness made things difficult, and sex had never been a priority. Or perhaps we hid behind his illness. What about you? What about your life?”

  Ralph shrugged. He seemed troubled for the first time that evening.

  “I don’t know how to answer that. My wife and I never talked about sex. She did it like it was her duty to God and her country. It hardly made me feel appreciated as a man. The sex became less frequent until it finally stopped altogether. At that point, we knew it was time to talk seriously about getting a divorce.”

  “Did you have other women on the side?”

  Ralph was silent for a moment, and Marianne wondered if he would tell the truth. Then he replied, “Yes, it happened. I’m not proud of it. It seemed that we were in silent agreement about it. I was discreet.”

  Her stomach cramped. She could understand Ralph’s decision but still felt sad that he’d chosen to go that way. She’d wanted to keep him on a pedestal a little while longer. Ralph turned his face to her.

  “Have I disappointed you?”

  Marianne blinked. “No, no, I do understand. And did your wife have affairs, too?”

  “I have no idea. I doubt it, but perhaps I was just naive.”

  “What did she look like?”

  “She was tall and thin. Light hair, green eyes. She was attractive, but she was somewhat cool. When she was young, she used to be ashamed of her height. She thought she was a giant. It wasn’t true. She really was quite pretty.”

  “Was?”

  “Yes, well, she still is, but she died for me. She turned chilly. I never saw that spark in her eye anymore. Perhaps it was all my fault. Now, she probably smiles a lot when she’s in the right company.”

  “I know some people whose smiles have stopped entirely. Many acquaintances my age—the ones in bad marriages. It’s sad how we make our lives so complicated. It’s hard enough just living.”

  “Yes, it’s sad, isn’t it? So let’s stop crying and have another cigarette.”

  “Thanks, but I’ve had so many.”

  “Chocolate?”

  Marianne laughed. She was unable to answer before Ralph leapt out of bed and returned with the bowl of chocolates and pack of cigarettes.

  CHAPTER 79

  Something made him jump.

  He realized he must have fallen asleep.

  The rest of the house was still quiet.

  He sat up slowly.

  It was time for him to go home and get to bed. He was needed. Tomorrow. Silently, he stood up from the sofa where he’d fallen asleep listening to her breathing. He walked into the hallway. Tomorrow would be intense. He needed his sleep. He was needed. By her.

  CHAPTER 80

  Marianne rubbed her finger beneath her eyes to get rid of some smudged makeup. She’d have to take off the rest at home. She realized it was awkward, but she wanted to sneak out without waking Ralph. She had tried to convince herself it was because he was sleeping so deeply, but then she admitted she didn’t want to face what had happened that night. At least not here and now. She wanted to take the time to let it all sink in. She was, in all honesty, shocked at what had happened: not really about having sex with him, although it was her first time in thirty years sleeping with someone other than Hans. She just felt unsettled about their conversation afterward. She knew she shouldn’t be upset about Ralph’s unfaithfulness—but something had been shattered when he’d told her. No matter how good his reasons, some of the glow had been lost. She couldn’t ignore her reaction. She didn’t know if she wanted to spend more time with someone who was the unfaithful type. That was harsh, but it was a stumbling block. Was there something about her that drew unfaithful men to her? “The gene of unfaithfulness,” as Lola called it. She would break that pattern right now. Perhaps she could ignore this emotional response; perhaps she could be with Ralph occasionally, just enjoying the moment.

  Still, she wanted to sort it all out, and she didn’t want to have to think too hard before her first cup of coffee this morning. She wanted to go home and ponder things.

  So she dressed and sneaked out to the suite’s living room. Having found a memo pad and a pen, she sat on the sofa and wrote:

  Dear Ralph. Thanks for an absolutely wonderful evening. I’m so glad you pulled me out of my shell. Since I’m an early riser, I’m slipping out quietly so I don’t wake you. You are sleeping so sweetly. Thanks again for last night. Warmest wishes, Mary.

  She folded the sheet of paper and attached it to the bathroom mirror with some tape from the medicine cabinet. Then she walked out the door and shut it as quietly as possible.

  The early September morning was chilly, and Marianne saw that frost had settled overnigh
t. She hugged her shawl around her shoulders and strode as quickly as possible in her high heels. A newspaperman had located his cart at the crossroads between Storgatan and Grevgatan. She greeted the young man, who looked just as awake as the hotel doorman. Once she passed Torstenssonsgatan, she realized her phone was vibrating in her purse. She didn’t want to pick up but did so anyway. She was certain it was Ralph, but she was surprised to see that it was Nina.

  “Hi, Mamma. Did I wake you? Are you home? Did you go out?”

  “No, you didn’t wake me. I was out. What’s wrong?”

  Nina didn’t answer, but Marianne could hear heartbreaking sobs. She felt her own heart crack.

  “Please, Nina, tell me where you are and I’ll come get you.”

  “I’m right outside your apartment! Nobody’s opening it!”

  Marianne’s throat was dry, but she pulled herself together to answer. “I’m right outside the building. I’ll be there in a few seconds.”

  Marianne opened the front door and ran up the stairs to the third floor. She had no patience for the elevator.

  Nina was standing in front of her apartment door wearing just an old sweater and torn jeans. On her feet, she wore flip-flops. Marianne realized Nina had thrown on whatever she had at hand. She held a small plastic bag. Her tear-stained face looked as if she hadn’t slept all night.

  Marianne had braced herself to have to answer where she’d been all night, but instead her daughter rushed into her arms. Nina’s entire body shook with sobs. She must have gotten cold. How long had she been waiting outside the door?

  “Let’s go inside. I’ll make you some tea. Or would you like some hot chocolate?”

  Nina nodded as they went into the apartment. She put down her plastic bag and then stood there, her arms hanging hopelessly at her sides. Marianne threw her shawl on the hat rack and pulled Nina close to her. She stroked her hair.