Love at First Hate

by Muriel Garcia

  Tattooedsoldier81: I’m recently single myself.

  MattTheGod: Their loss, my gain ;)

  Tattooedsoldier81: I could say the same for you ;)

  MattTheGod: I wish I could copy and paste that body into my bed!

  Tattooedsoldier81: You’re going to make me blush!

  MattTheGod: I intend on doing more than that!

  Tattooedsoldier81: Promises, promises.

  MattTheGod: Oh, you’ll see ;)

  We keep chatting online for a while, making small talk and getting to know the basics about each other. It’s quite hard not to let on that I know it’s him, but I want to see what his next move will be. He seems to be able to talk more freely that way, and if that’s how he wants to communicate, then so be it. I do wonder why he didn’t ask for my number so he could call or text me instead of going through an app. I hope I’ll figure it out soon. I have zero patience when it comes to things like this!

  “I can’t believe you did that!” Ellie exclaims, sounding rather happy.

  “Why not?”

  “Because it’s so not like you! You’re the quiet brooding type. You don’t join a gay dating app on just a whim. What made you join? Or rather, who made you join? Come on, spill it!” She seems like she’s going to burst with excitement.

  “Last night, I was out having drinks with Mina. We were at the Cruise Room Bar, and Matt came in. He joined John, and they were ready to fight, so I stepped in. I drove him home, and he told me that he had joined the app under the recommendation of a friend. He started talking to a guy a few months ago, and they met last night. That guy made a fake profile and was in reality John.” I blow out a breath.

  “That’s messed up, on both accounts.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “That John would make a fake profile and that he would meet someone when he has you,” she says the last part in a singsong voice.

  “It’s not like we’re together or anything.” I shrug.

  “True, but he seemed really interested in you.” She sounds disappointed.

  “I honestly don’t know. That’s not it, though.”

  “Ohhhh tell me more.” She grins excitedly.

  “He kissed me last night. It was more of a peck on the lips, but he did. I was stunned. It was like I was back to being a teen and getting my first kiss. I had no idea what to do or how to react, so I just let him go. And then he went back to his place.”

  “You’re a tit for not kissing him back!”

  “Tell me about it.”

  “I’m sure it’ll happen sooner rather than later.” She smirks.

  “Whatever you say, you nutcase.” I chuckle and get back to my drawing.

  “Ah well, you love this nutcase.” She shrugs and walks back to her station across from mine.

  I’m grateful that I have Ellie in my life. It makes moments like these easier. I’ve never had that many friends, but I do miss being able to go for a drink or a meal and just have fun and long talks. You never know how much something meant to you until it’s gone from your life.

  After I had come back from Afghanistan, I cut ties with everybody from my tour. I already had a daily reminder of what happened with my missing leg, and I didn’t need the others’ look of pity on top of that. It was probably a mistake to cut them all out of my life. They knew what happened, and being seriously injured and suffering the consequences of it was a daily occurrence we had to face.

  I guess I wasn’t ready to face my own fears rather than not wanting the others to see me how I was. Truth is, I was a fucking mess. I still am to a certain extent, but I’m trying to get better. The nightmares I get are still messing with my head a lot more than I wish they were. Like last night with Matt. I woke up to my phone ringing and picked up out of habit. I was screaming in my sleep again and woke him up as usual. He stayed up for an hour talking to me on the phone until we were both ready to pass out from exhaustion. He offered to come over many times, but I was too much of a mess to let him see me that way.

  The only one I’ve allowed to be around me at that time is Madeline. She is the only one who wouldn’t judge me or look at me as if she feels sorry for me.

  Despite her being fifteen years younger than me, she is the one who keeps me grounded. When I needed it, she’d put my ass back into gear. She stopped me from killing myself twice and made me see that I could still do something good with my life. That’s when I picked up tattooing. She managed to get me to go to physiotherapy and get better. I got a prosthetic leg, and things got better after that. I felt like I was finally getting back to myself, despite not talking to my family.

  I didn’t want anything to do with them, but I didn’t have much choice. They managed to get me to come around the family with Caroline’s wedding and the big masquerade.

  Lindsey is the only one they tried to marry me off to. I’m surprised they didn’t start before that. I know there’s a specific reason as to why it has to be Lindsey, I just haven’t figured it out yet. And if I’m honest, I’m not sure I want to figure it out. I feel like it’s a big dark secret that’s going to fuck things up even more.

  “Stop brooding, it makes you frown, and you’ll get premature wrinkles.” Mina sits next to me.

  “I’m already old and wrinkly.”

  “You’re not old! You aged like a fine wine, and wrinkles are in.” She giggles.

  “You’re too sweet to me.” I smile at her.

  “I know. I’m perfect!” she exclaims, grinning like a fool.

  “Nutter. What can I do for you?”

  “You sound like Ellie. Do you have time for a walk-in?”

  “Sure, send them in.” I smile and put the design I was working on to the side. Time to work my magic on a flash tattoo someone picked out because it looked cool. I don’t have anything against that kind of tattoo, but since it’s going on your body forever, might as well get something that’ll have a special meaning to you, but that’s just me.

  “You should ask him on a date through the app,” Ellie says out of the blue, bringing me back to reality.

  “We just started talking last night.”

  “I know, but what will be the point of talking to him endlessly? You’ll only get closer to him in your normal life and then too on your virtual life. There’s no point in dragging things out.”

  “Maybe you’re right.”

  “I know I am. You’ll be able to see his reaction straightaway to see you sitting wherever it is that you’ll ask him to meet.” She shrugs. She knows she had a point, and I hate that.

  “Maybe…” I groan, hating to admit it.

  “I’m awesome.” She swaggers to the door and turns around. “May the force be with you.” She grins smugly.

  “Okay?” She confuses me sometimes.

  “It’s the fourth of May today…get it?”

  “Oh god. Get out of my room.” I chuckle and throw an empty roll of kitchen towels at her.

  I pull out my phone and open the chat I have going on with Matt. I have a couple of other messages from random guys, which I don’t even bother opening. I have no interest in meeting other people. Matt is the only one who has my interest.

  Tattooedsoldier81: Hey, how is your day going?

  I don’t have to wait long for him to reply, it’s like he was glued to his phone expecting my message.

  MattTheGod: Hey yourself, not so bad and yours?

  Tattooedsoldier81: Been busy with work, but I’m on a break right now.

  MattTheGod: I just allowed myself to have a break ;)

  Tattooedsoldier81: I know this is totally random, but would you want to have dinner with me tonight or one of these days?

  MattTheGod: I’d love that.

  Tattooedsoldier81: Really?

  MattTheGod: Yes. As long as you aren’t a psycho or my ex stalking me.

  Tattooedsoldier81: Your ex is stalking you?

  MattTheGod: It’s a long story. I might tell you over dinner. It’s quite comical in hindsight.

  Tat
tooedsoldier81: Can’t wait to hear that one. When would you want to go out?

  MattTheGod: I’m free tonight if you’d like?

  Tattooedsoldier81: Tonight is good. Where would you want to meet?

  MattTheGod: Panzano?

  Tattooedsoldier81: Panzano sounds good. Meet there at 8?

  MattTheGod: 8 is perfect ;) I can’t wait.

  Tattooedsoldier81: Nor can I :)

  MattTheGod: See you tonight! I have to attend to something. My coworker is trying to steal my donuts!

  Tattooedsoldier81: See you tonight!

  I didn’t think it’d be that easy to ask him out or that he wouldn’t suspect it was me. I wonder if the coworker who is trying to steal his donuts his Haven. By what he’s been telling me and the little I’ve hung out with them, they have an ongoing battle for donuts.

  There’s still that little voice in the back of my mind that makes me wonder if those two have any underlying feelings for each other or if they are just really close. Having never been close to anyone, it’s hard to know what it feels like or looks like from the outside looking in.

  I’m excited and nervous about tonight. I have no idea how he’ll react to me being his mysterious date. I don’t know if he suspects it’s me and just kept it to himself, or if he’s oblivious to it. Will he be pleased or annoyed that it’s me and that I picked the easy way out to ask him out?

  I’m glad the date is tonight. I don’t think I could have handled waiting until tomorrow. Let’s just hope he’ll be happy to see me in a different light.

  I’m leaning back in my chair, holding a glazed donut in my right hand and keeping the bag of glazed donuts in my left hand, just out of reach of Haven.

  “Spoilsport,” she huffs.

  “I know. I’ll be nice if you help me pick out my outfit for tonight.” I smirk waving the bag closer to her.

  “You are pure evil, and why would you need my help for that? You’re the master of fashion.” She tries to grab the bag but to no avail.

  “I know, I just want company while I get ready.”

  “Tell me more about this date.” She rips the bag out of my hands as I hand it to her.

  “I’ve been talking to Nate on that app Jess signed me up for.”

  “He knows?” She gawks at me.

  “Yeah, he’s the one who messaged me first after I told him which app it was and what my name was. So I reckon he knows.”

  “Care to tell me what exactly happened because I’m confused now.” I proceed to tell her everything about last night’s antics, from our conversation to his offer to go on a date. “That’s so sweet of him actually. I can understand why he’d try to talk to you on there first before getting you to join him for dinner.”

  “Why? It makes no sense to me.”

  “You’re intimidating! That’s why.

  “What?”

  “You’re confident, and you know what you want and who you want. You don’t beat around the bush, and you’re just you. From what you’ve told me and from the little I’ve talked to him, he’s unsure of his sexuality and has never explored that side of him. He’s bound to feel nervous when he probably likes someone who is the polar opposite of how he is in his daily life.”

  “Put that way…”

  “Ha! For once I’m right!”

  “You are. So, will you come over?” I pop the last bite of donut in my mouth.

  “Of course, anything to help you. You two are going to make such a cute couple.” She claps excitedly.

  “Hopefully we’ll get to that point someday.”

  “I know you will. You’re too perfect for each other for it not to happen.”

  Today has been dragging once again. I don’t know why it is that whenever I know I’m seeing Nate that evening, that the day seems to go by way slower. Maybe I’m anticipating things a bit too much and working myself up so much that the days just seem longer, and I’m bored with my days.

  It feels like I’m going on my first date ever. I feel giddy and excited about seeing Nate tonight.

  “You’re bouncing in your chair,” Haven says, bringing me out of my thoughts.

  “I’m not!”

  “You so are. Someone is excited for tonight.”

  “Very much so.” I smile turning my computer off.

  “He’s totally your lobster.” She beams and goes to get our jackets.

  “My lobster?” I question her with a raised eyebrow.

  “Yes, you know your other half, your prince charming, your partner in crime.”

  “You’re a madwoman, but I love you.” I hug her and help her with her jacket.

  “I’m perfectly sane and love you too.”

  “Yeah, right.” I scoff.

  “Whatever. So what are you thinking of wearing tonight?”

  “I’m not sure if I should go casual or a bit dressed up.” We go down to the parking lot.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Panzano.” I open the car door for her then get in on my side.

  “Something casual with a touch of dressiness.”

  “I like that.” I start the car and drive out of the parking lot.

  “How do you feel about the date?”

  “I’m actually excited. I know it’s him, and it makes it all the more exciting. He’s the one who asked me to go out for a meal and is making the first step. I didn’t want to be the one making it in case he wasn’t feeling it or just wasn’t ready.”

  “Well, I take it as a sign that he’s either ready or getting there. I mean he could just be jealous that you are getting dates and doesn’t want to let his chance slip through his fingers and that’s why he joined the app.”

  “That’s a possibility. It’s stroking my ego in the right way. I mean, he’s seeking me out, that’s pretty awesome.” I chuckle.

  “Trust you to feel flattered that he would actually join the app just for you.”

  “Of course, you would too. I’ve really grown fonder of him. I like spending time with him and even though last night’s kiss was just a quick peck, man that felt good.”

  “That’s how I felt and still feel about Spencer. You’ve found your Spencer!” she says in a singsong voice.

  “I hope I have.” I smile and focus on the road.

  “So you’re ready to move on?”

  “I’ve moved on from John. I think I moved on before it was over. I’m ready to settle down and be with someone again.”

  “At long last!”

  “I know, I just feel like it’s the right time you know. Hopefully with the right person. I know I’m always myself, but I know I don’t need to use a filter with him, and he’s starting to lose his own filter around me. He’s joking around more and is wittier than he was in the beginning.”

  “He’s also less grumpy, isn’t he?”

  “Very much so. He seems a lot more relaxed and happier.”

  “That’s the Matt effect. I’m happy that you two are getting along finally and are slowly developing something strong.” She squeezes my thigh.

  “Thanks, babe. I’m glad too.” I squeeze her hand and park at home.

  “Let’s get you all dolled up.”

  “You are not doing my makeup! I’m warning you.” I chuckle and get out of the car.

  “Spoilsport,” she huffs, and I let her in.

  “Always. I’m going to take a shower. Make yourself at home. I’ll be back in a bit.” I take off my jacket and my shoes and grab a bottle of water from the fridge before heading upstairs to shower.

  Usually, I’d stay in there for a lot longer, but I don’t want to make Haven wait for a long time. I’m not sure what damages she would do to my place being left on her own.

  “What are you up to?” I ask, sneaking up behind her as she’s looking through a photo album I had under the TV stand.

  “Oh my fucking god!” she screams, startling me.

  “What?” I grin innocently.

  “Don’t ever do that again!” She holds her hands over her heart.


  “Then don’t snoop around.” I chuckle and see her face turn to stone. She’s staring at me. “Uh, Haven? You alright?” I ask, concerned.

  “Uh huh.” She swallows hard looking at me.

  “What? You’re scaring me!”

  “Muscles…tattoos…wow…” is all she can get out.

  “You’ve lost me, babe.” I chuckle looking down at myself.

  “You’re fucking hot!” she blurts out throwing her hands up in the air.

  “Like you didn’t know!” I smirk.

  “Well, yeah but I didn’t know you were this built and those tattoos and just, wow.” She fans herself.

  “You’re crazy.” I laugh and help her up from her sitting position.

  “I get why Spencer liked you, damn!”

  “Stop looking at me like I’m a piece of meat. I feel violated!” I fake being offended as I cover my chest with my hands. Mind you, I just have a towel wrapped around my waist. I’m not shy or a prude, at all.

  “Like fuck you are. You’re enjoying this way too much!” she scoffs.

  “I am actually.”

  “So uh what are we covering that hotness with? Are you sure you don’t want to go like that?” She giggles.

  “I personally wouldn’t care, but I don’t really want to get arrested. This ass is still virgin, well, hasn’t had any action in years, and I intend to keep it that way.”

  “What?” she screeches.

  “What?” I chuckle.

  “You’re always the one fucking the other guy?” she asks sounding genuinely curious.

  “Yes, I don’t mind it, but it’s something I don’t trust a lot of people with. Only two guys have been there. My first boyfriend and Spencer.”

  “TMI! I can’t believe you never let John fuck you.” She snickers.

  “Never felt it, to be honest.” I shrug as we walk into my walk-in closet.

  “Would you let Nate do it?” She looks at me before looking at my clothes. “Too many choices!”

  “Yes, I would.”

  “That’s love right there, babe.” She grins proudly and pats my chest.

  “Stop it.” I chuckle and start looking through my clothes with her.

  An hour later, we settle on black dress shoes, black jeans, and white dress shirt topped with my leather jacket and my glasses. The perfect mix of casual and dressed up.